


Kids In Love

by panicwith5sos (orphan_account)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Drama, Drama & Romance, F/M, Gen, Imported, Romance, Teen Romance, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-01 01:50:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 62
Words: 123,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15132443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/panicwith5sos
Summary: "Kaitlyn, it's me, Michael Clifford.""No. That can't be. You're not him."They haven't always been strangers, in fact they were the best of friends. But after years of separation, they meet again however things have changed between them. Dark secrets of the past, old resentment and mixed feelings, can they really get back together and maybe rekindle something they never realized they had when they were kids?A Michael Clifford AU fanfiction.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this work was imported from my old wattpad account, which is now deactivated at the time i posted this here. even though i don't stan 5sos anymore, i'm a sentimental person and i'd feel bad if this work were to be deleted completely. so i thought i should archive it here.
> 
> p.s - i reread the whole thing while moving it here and i'm super glad i dont write like this anymore phew!

"I wanna go out for some coffee." I said, lightly shaking the arm of my older brother, the one who was the eldest of the triplets. Adam looked at me from his sunglasses, his amber eyes the same shade as mine glinting with slight irritation.

Why he was wearing sunglasses indoors, I didn't know.

He was sprawled on the couch in our living room basically doing nothing other than look good atop it in just a band t-shirt and a pair of hawaiian print shorts (which few people could manage). Running his long fingers through his mahogany brown hair which was tousled, he hefted himself off, shuffling to the hallway to call out.

"Jake! Liam! Kaitlyn wants to go grab some coffee. You guys game?"

Our residence was just a normal suburban house and there really wasn't any reason for Adam to shout unless my other two older brothers, the remaining of the triplets, were blaring Bring Me The Horizon on full volume, which they were.

A redhead boy appeared at the hallway with an irritated expression. "Two ties lame??" He frowned.

"You guys game?? Not two ties lame, Jake." Adam repeated.

Jacob's red hair was shaved into a tufty mohican and his green eyes flashed at Adam in exasperation. The middle triplet was showy and really cocky and apparently there was an ongoing conflict with Adam and Jacob. "Sorry I'm kinda busy here." He sassed, flicking away imaginary long locks of hair.

"Busy _eating_." Adam snorted, giving an affectionate cuff over Jacob's head.

"Busy being a kitchen assistant." Jacob corrected lightly but all traces of irritation had evaporated.

"What's Liam doing?"

I followed them into the kitchen, finding Liam, the youngest of the three busy chopping up veggies with merciless concentration.

The broccoli didn't stand a chance.

His pale blond hair was always impeccably close-cropped, a neat hairstyle for an apprentice chef. His blue eyes were fixated on the task and he didn't seem to hear or feel both Adam and Jacob breathing down his neck.

Suddenly they both shouted, startling Liam who promptly nicked his finger on the spot with a cry that was a few octaves higher than his usual low voice. The two older triplets were howling with laughter as Liam glared at them indignantly.

18 years olds with this kind of passion was hard to find these days.

"What is it?" Liam snapped, putting a Band-Aid on his hurt finger. "I'm busy here."

Jacob twirled a chopstick between his fingers, expression thoughtful. "Kaitlyn wants a dose of caffeine."

Liam regarded me with a raised eyebrow. "Why don't you ask Perry?" He said, naming my boyfriend.

I forced a laugh, shaking my head. "Liam, Perry can't drive. He's only 16."

Liam blinked. "Ah right." Then he frowned. "But we have coffee here at home."

"I want to get Iced Latte." I said, blushing a little. "Besides, this Australian summer ain't doing me too good." I joked but Liam deadpanned.

"Alright I'll come too." Liam shrugged, putting the veggies in a container.

"Great." Jacob grinned. "I'll be driving."

*

After letting my parents who were at work that we were gonna go out for a bit, we headed right away to grab some drinks.

On our way, we passed by our neighbors when Adam pointed out the window. "Hey look, somebody's moved in into Mr Finley's old house." He observed, pointing at the large moving truck parked at the driveway.

I leaned to get a better look. There was a family of three: a mother, a father and their son with their backs facing us. Since it was no interest of mine, I leaned back against my seat.

"That house used to belong to the Cliffords right?" Liam asked, still looking out the window.

"Why don't you ask our sister?" Jacob teased from the steering wheel, glancing at the mirror to catch my expression. "Your very first boyfriend eh?"

"He's my - _was_ \- my best friend." I rolled my eyes, my tone indicating that I didn't want to talk about it. "Look can you get back to driving instead of being a busybody about who's house that used to belong to?" I snapped.

The atmosphere in the car quieted, I could sense the awkwardness invading my brothers.

I glanced out the window again. There was a boy helping the movers put the furniture in the house. His dark hair tucked under his snapback, the shirt he was wearing appeared to be drenched in sweat and his pale skin stood out with a sort of ruddy color from the heat.

 _Michael would be that boy's age right now_. I thought sadly. _That is_ if _he's still alive._

A pang of nostalgia stabbed my chest, a wistful sadness blooming in my heart but I forced the sensation down, refusing to let it bother me.

Michael was the past.

There was no way he'd come back.

Besides, I had other friends now, like Wendy Fairweather, Cilan Gardner, and my boyfriend, Perry Brooks. I had a whole new life now.

Besides, Michael Clifford's probably forgotten all about me. He must've, after all those years in wherever he was now.

I closed my eyes, inhaling the scent of leather and air freshener that clung to the car's interior and tried to relax.

*

The coffee was great. The muffins were delicious. My brother were distracting, at least for the girls in the cafe.

They stared at me a little too jealously.

Of course they would. All three of brothers, 6 feet tall, had athletic lean bodies and deep voices that would make all the girls scream, and smiles that would send them all to hell.

A perfect view, if it weren't for the 5 feet 5 brunette girl (their less good-looking sister,me) sitting with them near the window, to ruin the picture.

Not that I was that horrible-looking.

The envious stares did ruin my appetite, making it hard to stomach that chocolate-chip muffin.

"Open up for the choo-choo train." Jacob teased when he caught me staring at my muffin with some hesitation and imitated those chugging train sounds as he picked it up and tried to feed me.

The Darth Vader glares intensified.

"Don't tease her." Liam chided, drinking what seemed to be his third round of decaf espresso. That boy could drink it like lagers. "She's probably thinking about tomorrow."

"What's tomorrow?" Jacob asked stupidly, stuffing my muffin into his mouth and ate it almost sloppily. "Is it her birthday?"

There was a kick from under the table. "No you _dummy_." Adam said equably with an undertone. "Her birthday was in November. Liam meant the first day of school."

Jacob blinked. "Oh. Great. School. Ah, ok." He said.

"You're in your sophomore year." Liam smiled at me.

"And then junior year next year." Adam observed into his coffee cup.

"And then senior year." Jacob added.

Liam began "And then --"

"Alright I get it guys." I laughed though it sounded strained. I was too busy in my thoughts to even think about what they were saying next. The flashback came again, like it always did when I wasn't paying much attention to the present.

_"I'm so excited for school tomorrow." Michael said with a huge grin, adjusting the pink hair clip on his blond mop._

_"Why?" I was trying on his snapback which was a bit too large._

_"Because who wouldn't?" He laughed. His green eyes shone with mirth when he looked at his snapback which kept slipping to cover my face._

"Kaitlyn?" I blinked, only aware of Liam saying my name.

"What?" I blushed.

"Earth to Kaitlyn." Jacob said, green eyes wide as reached across the table to squish my face. "This is the Redford Triplets attempting to communicate. Do you copy?"

I laughed, pushing him off.

*

Walking through school hallways on the first day of school was really disorienting. There were so many students, new and old, all crowding the corridors, their voices all chattering at once. I shouldered my backpack, trying to maneuver through the crowd from the front office.

A few hands smacked into me, hair flying into my face and shouts near my ear, I was already starting to feel like shrinking when I caught the sight of a familiar blonde.

"Wendy!" I called out and made my way to her, and we enveloped each other into a hug.

"Oh my gosh Kaitlyn! Have I missed you!" She exclaimed, expression amazed.

I smiled, nudging her. "Hey it's only been two days since we've hung out."

"But that was during summer." Wendy protested when her brown-eyed gaze went to the schedule in my hand. She pointed at it. "What's your homeroom?"

I checked it. "English."

"Same!" She squealed, giving me a high-five. Then her expression turned serious. "I can't believe Cilan's gonna be late today." She fidgeted with her heartbeat pendant on her neck distractedly, thinking of something - or someone.

I shrugged. "Don't worry about it. He'll be here."

"Speaking of being here."

I turned around to find Perry smiling in amusement. My heart immediately started to hammer the way it does when Perry's hazel eyes regarded me like we both shared a secret that only we knew, the faint scent of leather and soap that cling onto his skin that I could smell when we hugged and the way his strawberry-blond hair curled around my fingers when I ruffle it playfully.

"Gosh you guys are _boring_." Wendy teased, rolling her eyes exaggeratedly to emphasize her point. "It's the _21st century_!"

I blushed and Perry shifted uncomfortably. We both knew what she was talking about.

So far, we haven't worked up the nerve to kiss each other properly, like on the lips. I guessed it was partially my fault. I'd tense up with my eyes wide open like I couldn't believe what was happening. At least, that's what Wendy observed.

"Um so anyway," Perry changed the topic with casual shrug. "What's your homeroom lesson?" He kept his eyes on me the whole time, his attention on me but Wendy answered.

"Kat and I have English. What about you?"

Perry forced a laugh. "Funny you asked."

I raised an eyebrow, noticing the perplexed expression he had on. "Maths?"

He nodded with a shrug. "This is gonna be a long year." He sighed, shaking his head.

I patted his back sympathetically just as the warning bell rang, indicating we should be in our classes by 5 minutes. "Don't get into trouble ok?" I said with smile, pressing my lips to his cheek.

He blushed a little. "Aw what's the first day of school without a little prank?"

Wendy and I made it to our homeroom and the class was filled with the din of various conversations exchanged simultaneously. Our teacher, Mr Kane, was busy preparing stuff at the his desk, muttering stuff under his breath that was probably paperwork-related. He checked his watch and got up to exit the class for a bit.

I caught the sight of the skater boys, Perry's homies at one corner and the popular clique at another corner gossiping about people. Their leader, Drew, glanced at me and Wendy with disgust before whispering to her trolls.

I chose the seat at the back, Wendy sat a seat in front of me when Mr Kane returned, trying to quiet down the class with a shush.

It didn't work so he broke out the air horn and pressed the canister, letting out a large honk. Everyone shut up immediately.

"Alright guys." Mr Kane began, taking a breath. "I'm pretty sure I don't have to introduce myself since I'm your homeroom teacher as stated in your schedules."

The silence was broken by what sounded like dramatic cough.

"Anyway, we'll skip the boring talk and bring in a new addition to the class."

I could sense the growing curiosity in the air.

Mr Kane glanced at the door and the boy I saw the other day who moved into Mr Finley's old house walked in.

I sucked in a surprised breath. And stiffened so hard it hurt.

But that wasn't what shocked me.

His face.

It was Michael's.


	2. Chapter 2

"I wanna go out for some coffee." I said, lightly shaking the arm of my older brother, the one who was the eldest of the triplets. Adam looked at me from his sunglasses, his amber eyes the same shade as mine glinting with slight irritation.

Why he was wearing sunglasses indoors, I didn't know.

He was sprawled on the couch in our living room basically doing nothing other than look good atop it in just a band t-shirt and a pair of hawaiian print shorts (which few people could manage). Running his long fingers through his mahogany brown hair which was tousled, he hefted himself off, shuffling to the hallway to call out.

"Jake! Liam! Kaitlyn wants to go grab some coffee. You guys game?"

Our residence was just a normal suburban house and there really wasn't any reason for Adam to shout unless my other two older brothers, the remaining of the triplets, were blaring Bring Me The Horizon on full volume, which they were.

A redhead boy appeared at the hallway with an irritated expression. "Two ties lame??" He frowned.

"You guys game?? Not two ties lame, Jake." Adam repeated.

Jacob's red hair was shaved into a tufty mohican and his green eyes flashed at Adam in exasperation. The middle triplet was showy and really cocky and apparently there was an ongoing conflict with Adam and Jacob. "Sorry I'm kinda busy here." He sassed, flicking away imaginary long locks of hair.

"Busy _eating_." Adam snorted, giving an affectionate cuff over Jacob's head.

"Busy being a kitchen assistant." Jacob corrected lightly but all traces of irritation had evaporated.

"What's Liam doing?"

I followed them into the kitchen, finding Liam, the youngest of the three busy chopping up veggies with merciless concentration.

The broccoli didn't stand a chance.

His pale blond hair was always impeccably close-cropped, a neat hairstyle for an apprentice chef. His blue eyes were fixated on the task and he didn't seem to hear or feel both Adam and Jacob breathing down his neck.

Suddenly they both shouted, startling Liam who promptly nicked his finger on the spot with a cry that was a few octaves higher than his usual low voice. The two older triplets were howling with laughter as Liam glared at them indignantly.

18 years olds with this kind of passion was hard to find these days.

"What is it?" Liam snapped, putting a Band-Aid on his hurt finger. "I'm busy here."

Jacob twirled a chopstick between his fingers, expression thoughtful. "Kaitlyn wants a dose of caffeine."

Liam regarded me with a raised eyebrow. "Why don't you ask Perry?" He said, naming my boyfriend.

I forced a laugh, shaking my head. "Liam, Perry can't drive. He's only 16."

Liam blinked. "Ah right." Then he frowned. "But we have coffee here at home."

"I want to get Iced Latte." I said, blushing a little. "Besides, this Australian summer ain't doing me too good." I joked but Liam deadpanned.

"Alright I'll come too." Liam shrugged, putting the veggies in a container.

"Great." Jacob grinned. "I'll be driving."

*

After letting my parents who were at work that we were gonna go out for a bit, we headed right away to grab some drinks.

On our way, we passed by our neighbors when Adam pointed out the window. "Hey look, somebody's moved in into Mr Finley's old house." He observed, pointing at the large moving truck parked at the driveway.

I leaned to get a better look. There was a family of three: a mother, a father and their son with their backs facing us. Since it was no interest of mine, I leaned back against my seat.

"That house used to belong to the Cliffords right?" Liam asked, still looking out the window.

"Why don't you ask our sister?" Jacob teased from the steering wheel, glancing at the mirror to catch my expression. "Your very first boyfriend eh?"

"He's my - _was_ \- my best friend." I rolled my eyes, my tone indicating that I didn't want to talk about it. "Look can you get back to driving instead of being a busybody about who's house that used to belong to?" I snapped.

The atmosphere in the car quieted, I could sense the awkwardness invading my brothers.

I glanced out the window again. There was a boy helping the movers put the furniture in the house. His dark hair tucked under his snapback, the shirt he was wearing appeared to be drenched in sweat and his pale skin stood out with a sort of ruddy color from the heat.

 _Michael would be that boy's age right now_. I thought sadly. _That is_ if _he's still alive._

A pang of nostalgia stabbed my chest, a wistful sadness blooming in my heart but I forced the sensation down, refusing to let it bother me.

Michael was the past.

There was no way he'd come back.

Besides, I had other friends now, like Wendy Fairweather, Cilan Gardner, and my boyfriend, Perry Brooks. I had a whole new life now.

Besides, Michael Clifford's probably forgotten all about me. He must've, after all those years in wherever he was now.

I closed my eyes, inhaling the scent of leather and air freshener that clung to the car's interior and tried to relax.

*

The coffee was great. The muffins were delicious. My brother were distracting, at least for the girls in the cafe.

They stared at me a little too jealously.

Of course they would. All three of brothers, 6 feet tall, had athletic lean bodies and deep voices that would make all the girls scream, and smiles that would send them all to hell.

A perfect view, if it weren't for the 5 feet 5 brunette girl (their less good-looking sister,me) sitting with them near the window, to ruin the picture.

Not that I was that horrible-looking.

The envious stares did ruin my appetite, making it hard to stomach that chocolate-chip muffin.

"Open up for the choo-choo train." Jacob teased when he caught me staring at my muffin with some hesitation and imitated those chugging train sounds as he picked it up and tried to feed me.

The Darth Vader glares intensified.

"Don't tease her." Liam chided, drinking what seemed to be his third round of decaf espresso. That boy could drink it like lagers. "She's probably thinking about tomorrow."

"What's tomorrow?" Jacob asked stupidly, stuffing my muffin into his mouth and ate it almost sloppily. "Is it her birthday?"

There was a kick from under the table. "No you _dummy_." Adam said equably with an undertone. "Her birthday was in November. Liam meant the first day of school."

Jacob blinked. "Oh. Great. School. Ah, ok." He said.

"You're in your sophomore year." Liam smiled at me.

"And then junior year next year." Adam observed into his coffee cup.

"And then senior year." Jacob added.

Liam began "And then --"

"Alright I get it guys." I laughed though it sounded strained. I was too busy in my thoughts to even think about what they were saying next. The flashback came again, like it always did when I wasn't paying much attention to the present.

_"I'm so excited for school tomorrow." Michael said with a huge grin, adjusting the pink hair clip on his blond mop._

_"Why?" I was trying on his snapback which was a bit too large._

_"Because who wouldn't?" He laughed. His green eyes shone with mirth when he looked at his snapback which kept slipping to cover my face._

"Kaitlyn?" I blinked, only aware of Liam saying my name.

"What?" I blushed.

"Earth to Kaitlyn." Jacob said, green eyes wide as reached across the table to squish my face. "This is the Redford Triplets attempting to communicate. Do you copy?"

I laughed, pushing him off.

*

Walking through school hallways on the first day of school was really disorienting. There were so many students, new and old, all crowding the corridors, their voices all chattering at once. I shouldered my backpack, trying to maneuver through the crowd from the front office.

A few hands smacked into me, hair flying into my face and shouts near my ear, I was already starting to feel like shrinking when I caught the sight of a familiar blonde.

"Wendy!" I called out and made my way to her, and we enveloped each other into a hug.

"Oh my gosh Kaitlyn! Have I missed you!" She exclaimed, expression amazed.

I smiled, nudging her. "Hey it's only been two days since we've hung out."

"But that was during summer." Wendy protested when her brown-eyed gaze went to the schedule in my hand. She pointed at it. "What's your homeroom?"

I checked it. "English."

"Same!" She squealed, giving me a high-five. Then her expression turned serious. "I can't believe Cilan's gonna be late today." She fidgeted with her heartbeat pendant on her neck distractedly, thinking of something - or someone.

I shrugged. "Don't worry about it. He'll be here."

"Speaking of being here."

I turned around to find Perry smiling in amusement. My heart immediately started to hammer the way it does when Perry's hazel eyes regarded me like we both shared a secret that only we knew, the faint scent of leather and soap that cling onto his skin that I could smell when we hugged and the way his strawberry-blond hair curled around my fingers when I ruffle it playfully.

"Gosh you guys are _boring_." Wendy teased, rolling her eyes exaggeratedly to emphasize her point. "It's the _21st century_!"

I blushed and Perry shifted uncomfortably. We both knew what she was talking about.

So far, we haven't worked up the nerve to kiss each other properly, like on the lips. I guessed it was partially my fault. I'd tense up with my eyes wide open like I couldn't believe what was happening. At least, that's what Wendy observed.

"Um so anyway," Perry changed the topic with casual shrug. "What's your homeroom lesson?" He kept his eyes on me the whole time, his attention on me but Wendy answered.

"Kat and I have English. What about you?"

Perry forced a laugh. "Funny you asked."

I raised an eyebrow, noticing the perplexed expression he had on. "Maths?"

He nodded with a shrug. "This is gonna be a long year." He sighed, shaking his head.

I patted his back sympathetically just as the warning bell rang, indicating we should be in our classes by 5 minutes. "Don't get into trouble ok?" I said with smile, pressing my lips to his cheek.

He blushed a little. "Aw what's the first day of school without a little prank?"

Wendy and I made it to our homeroom and the class was filled with the din of various conversations exchanged simultaneously. Our teacher, Mr Kane, was busy preparing stuff at the his desk, muttering stuff under his breath that was probably paperwork-related. He checked his watch and got up to exit the class for a bit.

I caught the sight of the skater boys, Perry's homies at one corner and the popular clique at another corner gossiping about people. Their leader, Drew, glanced at me and Wendy with disgust before whispering to her trolls.

I chose the seat at the back, Wendy sat a seat in front of me when Mr Kane returned, trying to quiet down the class with a shush.

It didn't work so he broke out the air horn and pressed the canister, letting out a large honk. Everyone shut up immediately.

"Alright guys." Mr Kane began, taking a breath. "I'm pretty sure I don't have to introduce myself since I'm your homeroom teacher as stated in your schedules."

The silence was broken by what sounded like dramatic cough.

"Anyway, we'll skip the boring talk and bring in a new addition to the class."

I could sense the growing curiosity in the air.

Mr Kane glanced at the door and the boy I saw the other day who moved into Mr Finley's old house walked in.

I sucked in a surprised breath. And stiffened so hard it hurt.

But that wasn't what shocked me.

His face.

It was Michael's.


	3. Chapter 3

My hands, which were perfectly still on my desk, immediately curled and went to my mouth where I jammed them to stifle a scream.

My heart, which was beating fine a minute ago, was now doing triple its pace and colliding hard against my chest.

All the longing, the sadness, the resentment, those feelings I had harbored during the past few years, all faded away the moment he smiled.

My vision tunneled and one thing screamed loudly in my head.

The wait was over.

He was back.

Michael Clifford was standing right in the front.

And that seemed like the only thing that mattered in my mind, my heart and my soul.

Wendy turned around, presumably to smile and point at him like _wow he's hot_ but when she saw my pale expression, she wore a very worried look only a best friend could muster. She tried to meet my eyes but they were focused on him and him only.

He smiled shyly and said words I couldn't hear. Suddenly I felt dizzy.

He wasn't looking at me. Not yet he wasn't.

It was only a matter of time when he did.

The seat beside me was empty.

I kept my head down, hiding my face behind my hair and biting my lip so hard that the coppery taste of blood sprang in my mouth.

I clenched and unclenched my fists in an attempt to convince myself that this wasn't the boy I knew, the boy who was so outgoing and obnoxious, the boy who teased me relentless about how I wasn't able to make friends other than him, the boy who held me in tears and made me promise to wait for his return.

My heart knew better.

I glanced upwards, just to see if he was real.

He was, unfortunately.

Though apart from the facial features, which was now quite handsome, the similarities ended at the color of his hair. It was wrong.

It wasn't jet black.

My Michael, the boy I knew, had blond hair. The messy tousled mop that I loved to run my fingers through just to annoy him. Or to show my affection.

The boy I saw before me made his way over but didn't look at me, instead at people he caught staring at him. He smiled at them and I was sure I would pass out with shock if he knew I was regarding him with utter disbelief.

As I expected, he took the seat beside me, oblivious to the brunette desperately trying to conceal her features from him.

This hiding, I knew, wouldn't last forever.

But I didn't need forever.

I just needed a little more time.

*

Minutes began to feel like hours, dripping by like sticky honey as Mr Kane droned on about something I couldn't pay attention to. The presence who sat beside me became increasingly hard to ignore and I caught myself sneaking glances just to make sure he wasn't an apparition.

The boy who had Michael's face kept to himself, his head low as he scribbled a few things in his book, sometimes pausing to knit his features into concentration to think, others to bite his lower lip.

He had the same habits as Michael did.

As soon as Mr Kane dismissed us, I stood up from my seat quickly when Wendy turned around.

She was shocked to find me sweeping up my stuff. "What's with --"

"I gotta go." I replied hastily, gathering all my belongings into my arms and turned for the exit. Inexplicably, he was facing me and so when I moved, he caught the sight of my countenance.

What looked like a pensive expression was immediately wiped off by stark surprise.

Time seemed to freeze for a moment as we stared at each other, wide-eyed and mouths slightly parted.

Then he began to talk at once.

"Kaitlyn is that --"

I was already pushing past the students to run into the hallway and melt into the crowd.

As if him knowing my name wasn't more proof that he was Michael Clifford. My stubborn head refused to acknowledge the fact.

I thought Wendy would be following close behind.

"Kaitlyn! Kaitlyn!" The voice that called me, tone imploring for my attention, was masculine. It was not Wendy.

I had a pretty good idea who it was.

He caught up to me as soon as I reached my locker, his hand landing on my shoulder.

I flinched away from him, reacting the way a cornered animal would and stared at him.

Even he looked surprised.

"Kaitlyn, it's me, Michael Clifford." The drawl was there. The accent was there. The green eyes were there. The expression was there. The touch was there.

Everything Michael was, stood right in front of me, screaming in my face.

"No." I shook my head, my voice sounding breathless and flustered to my ears. "You're not him." I said.

He wore a baffled look. "But Kai," His voice cracked a little with a tinge of desperation in his beseeching tone. "Don't you --"

"No." I whipped around, refusing to look at him as I furiously turned the knob on my locker and deposited the stuff I didn't need and books I had to take with me for the next lesson, which was Biology.

"Please." I turned back, avoiding his gaze.

" _Kaitlyn_."

I stopped, closing eyes and drawing a shaky breath before looking up at him.

He was more handsome now, his features perfectly sculpted and his voice deeper and sexier when he spoke in a low breathy tone which he was at the moment. His green eyes shone at the sight of me but the joy was muted by the longing and sadness that was present. His lips were enticing when they moved, begging to be kissed. And his scent, it was still the same smell of cinnamon and pine.

Dressed in a t-shirt advertising a band, black skinny jeans and sneakers, complete with that eyebrow piercing, Michael looked like a rocker-boy. Just the way I liked.

He was so tall, six feet in height and since I was shorter, staring up at him was a bit difficult. Since we were so close.

A small sound escaped from me. "I'm sorry."

Pushing past him, I ran to my next class, looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't following me.

He just stood there in stunned silence.

*

"Whoa Kaitlyn, what's the rush?" Perry laughed when he caught me as I tripped in an attempt to stop myself from running into him. His arms steadied around me, pulling me into his body.

"I --" I hastily pushed myself off him, casting furtive looks over my shoulder.

"What's up? Geez, it's only Ms Lincoln for Biology. Kaitlyn you ok? You look like you've seen a ghost." Perry broke off his mirth once I faced him.

My face felt hot, I was breathless and honestly I wasn't sure of how to answer his worried expression.

 _I have_ seen _a ghost, in fact. A ghost from my past._

Instead I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut and tried to calm myself down. Then, I managed though in a flat tone. "I'm fine Perry. Why'd you ask?"

He gave me a strange look, narrowed eyes and leaned closer.

I flushed.

"Are you sure?" He murmured in concern, pressing the back of his hand to my head. "You're a bit warm though. Do you want me to take you to the nurse's room?"

I nearly sobbed but held back at the last moment, making this hiccup sound. "I'm ok." I nodded with a shrug.

This earned an amused chuckle from Perry. "Cmon." He wrapped an arm around me and led me into class.

Inside was just as noisy as homeroom lesson. Chatters everywhere, you could barely hear what the other person was saying. Perry pointed at his seat beside the window and I took the one behind him.

"Aww you're not gonna sit in front of me? How am I gonna share a private joke with you?" He smirked. I hit him lightly with a rolled-up piece of paper.

"You and your jokes." I rolled my eyes but he saw my smile.

He opened his mouth to say something when the teacher, Ms Lincoln, walked in. "Please settle down." She called out, pushing her black-rimmed glass up her nose when somebody knocked the door.

Michael's head popped in.

He just wouldn't leave me alone!

"Um is this the Maths class?" He asked.

"No." Ms Lincoln frowned slightly. "That would be across the hall."

"Oh whoops." He forced a laugh, glancing at his schedule. "Sorry, I, um, must've --" He paused, before letting his eyes meet mine.

A jolt went up my spine. I quickly turned my face away but our gazes already met. I could still sense his eyes on me.

Michael hovered at the doorway when Ms Lincoln cleared her throat. "You may leave now."

Michael blinked. "Oh sorry." He mumbled and hurried off.

"What was that all about? Is he new here?" Perry inquired from in front of me.

I placed my head on the table, my face burning again. "I believe he is."

*

Wendy was staring, the hard brown-eyed gaze, at me the whole time during lunch when we sat around the cafeteria table which made it hard for me to swallow down my sandwich especially when she was sitting right across me. "What?"

She shook her head, narrowing her eyes at me. "You know him, do you?" Wendy asked through bites of her salad.

"Who?" Cilan piped up, glancing at her. His black hair was now shaved in a military cut, a dare from Wendy so he did look like some intimidating commando dude when he glared with those electric-blue eyes.

"The new guy." Wendy raised her eyebrows in askance at me.

"You mean that Clifford?" Perry frowned slightly. "Kaitlyn _knows_ him?" He sounded incredulous.

I stared at my half-eaten sandwich without much appetite.

"That's absurd." Cilan popped a handful of potato crisps into his mouth, munching. "Damn this new flavor's good."

Wendy gave him an exasperated look. "Cilan you're a basketball player, an athlete. You should look after your health." She chided.

"Aww, that's awfully nice of you to bother of my wellbeing." Cilan smirked at her playfully. "And you care because?"

Wendy blushed bright red. "I'm your ... friend." She squeaked.

Perry and I alternated looks between the both of them. We both knew what was going on. Wendy liked Cilan and Cilan was flirting with her. The way Wendy was handling this was cute.

Under the table, I felt Perry's fingers entwine with mine, sending warm little sparks to fly in my chest. He leaned close to me and I caught a whiff of soap and leather.

"Wanna leave these two to sort out their relationship status together?" Perry whispered, his breath tickling my ear. It was clear what he was implying.

I nodded, watching Wendy and Cilan argue something about rebounds and striped jerseys. "Yea. I guess they wouldn't mind."

Perry excused us both and led me out of the noisy cafeteria area to the quiet hallway.

"So." Perry broke the unearthly silence, smiling at me. "Where to milady?"

I snorted, face warming a little. "Dunno." I glanced at our entwined hands and a small rush of warmth passed through me

"Are you free this Friday afternoon?" He asked.

"I guess so. Are we having another of your weird dates again?"

"Oh come on. You gotta admit, you dressed up as Pinky and me as Pac-Man holding hands and walking downtown was fun, at least the part when we screamed 'wocka wocka' the moment people stared at us."

"Liam tripped and ruined Clyde!" I protested but was laughing anyway at the memory. "Adam wasn't too good at being Blinky and Jacob thought Inky was an octopus."

"Well, your brothers insisted on chaperoning." Perry shrugged.

"And let's not mention the time we pranked the pizza delivery dude by ordering pizza 5 minutes before New Year's."

"Well. his baffled expression deserved a 20 dollar tip when we said we ordered that last year." Perry smirked.

I snorted and bumped him with my shoulder. He bumped me back.

"Kaitlyn." Perry said, voice taking on a low tone. I turned to look at him, his hazel eyes trained on mine through lowered lashes.

My breath caught. "Yes?"

He cupped my cheek gently with his free hand and slowly started leaning on. I found myself doing the same.

The perfect moment was ruined by an abrupt squeak of sneakers on the polished hallway floor. Perry and I sprang apart hastily, cheeks burning.

I turned to look at who it was.

Michael was standing a few feet away from us, eyes trained on Perry. He didn't look too happy about him.


	4. Chapter 4

For a heartbeat, I saw the look in Michael's eyes, the emotions that swirled under the green. I recognized resentment in them and it was intense. His hand were clenched on the sides but he hid it behind him. Jaw set a little and shoulders slightly tensed.

His gaze roamed over to me before he managed to mute the envy. I could still see it. No matter how much he tried, I always could see it, even when we were kids. 

I held my breath, and let go of Perry. Opening my mouth to speak, the voice that came out wasn't mine but my boyfriend's.

"Oh, you're the new kid." Perry said affably in a cheery tone and moved forward before he extended his hand. "You're in my Geography class, right?"

Michael stared at it for a moment, lips pressed into a thin disapproving line before he let the tension go. He shook Perry's hand. "Yea." He replied in a clipped tone.

Perry didn't seem to notice it though. "I'm Perry Brooks by the way. Nice Rolling-Stones shirt. Where'd you get it?"

"On eBay." Michael answered robotically with a slight dip in his eyes. Was he actually rolling them??

Before Perry could say any more, Michael piped up. "Can I talk to her?" He turned to look at me and I flinched.

His green eyes looked a little stormy.

Perry glanced at me and I saw a bit of worry in his gaze.

I nodded instead. "Yea, sure. I'll talk to you." I said, tone betraying familiarity.

Michael's hard look softened a little. Then he noticed Perry still there and his face tightened. "Alone."

Perry shot him a baffled expression before wrapping his arm around me, planting a kiss on my forehead. "Ok sure." 

To be honest, he was making a really big show of our relationship, not that I didn't like it. It was just that Michael got green-eyed easily. Figuratively speaking.

Perry stalked off, glancing over his shoulder before disappearing back into the cafeteria.

I turned to face Michael and saw the look in his face.

"Why do you keep following me?"

"I was coincidentally walking into you on purpose." Michael corrected irritably.

I frowned. "That doesn't make any sense."

He sighed, running fingers through his jet black hair. I noticed the little things I didn't want to notice. The way his dark hair set off his pale complexion, the way his eyes focused on me, the way his lips moved when he spoke and the way he drawled on certain words.

"Is it wrong for me to want to speak with a friend I haven't seen in years?" Michael asked quietly in a whisper, biting his lower lip.

I sighed and rubbed my temples. My nerves were singing on edge, heart hammering so hard in my chest and I felt a little dizzy. "Why are you here?" I demanded instead.

"To study." He snorted.

"No," I rolled my eyes. "I mean, why are you here in Sydney?"

"My parents." He replied with faint surprise. "They wanted to come back."

Him standing here before me, living in my neighborhood, going to the same school as me was tearing down what I had struggled to build up for years. Suddenly, all those wishes I made for him to come back, all the hoping and longing didn't make sense. 

Michael had no idea how long I had spent waiting for him to come back before I realized it was hopeless. He didn't know how hard I tried to get over the fact that he was gone. He didn't realize how much in pain I was at his absence.

"You shouldn't have come back." I said in a tone colder than I thought was possible.

He stared at me with an alarmed expression. "W-What - ?"

I shook my head, glaring at him hard. "I don't want to see you. Ever."

*

Of course he'd follow me. I should've known that words weren't enough to get through Michael's fat head.

"Kaitlyn!" He cajoled behind me, footsteps echoing around the hallway. "Kaitlyn, wait!" Michael nearly tripped over his shoelace but righted himself instantly and kept running. 

"I've done enough waiting around Michael!" I snapped over my shoulder, walking faster. He caught up with me with his long-legged stride, waylaying me by stopping in front. I tried to go around him but he simply moved in the same direction.

"What do you want?" I snarled at him.

The same stubborn light shone in his eyes. "God, Kaitlyn, I just wanna talk! Why do you have to be like that?"

"I have every right to do so, Clifford!"

He flinched but steadied himself. "Kaitlyn." Michael began, this time in a soft imploring tone. "I just want to fix our friendship."

Anger bubbled in my veins but upon seeing the openly desperate look on his face, I felt the roar in my ears ebb away. "Fix the relationship you severed?"

Michael bit his lip, looking at the ground in guilt. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't cut it!" I snapped and felt the thrum return. Then I stopped myself. 

Michael looked rueful about it and had actually owned up to apologize. I didn't have the nerve to yell at him when he looked up at me with those sad green eyes. 

I sighed, letting my hands unclench. "You never wrote to me. You didn't email me. You didn't visit me like you promised."

I realized how spoiled I sounded but I guess I had the right to whine about it.

Michael nodded and bit his lower lip. "I know." He whispered contritely. "I have no excuse for that but I swear I'll make it up to you." He fixated his determined expression on me. "That is, if you'd let me."

"I don't know if I can let you back in." I said wearily. "After all the silence you gave these past few years."

Michael twisted the bracelet on his wrist and accidentally snapped it off. "Shit." He mumbled before stuffing it into his pocket.

"I'll work my way in then." He said stubbornly after a moment.

"You're not exactly the same person as you were back in 4th grade." I murmured.

The slow smirk spread across his features, the impish gleam starting to twinkle in his eyes. The old Michael was returning.

A rush of sudden warmth spread in my chest before blanketed out by a streak of alarm.

"You wouldn't know that, now would you?" He drawled teasingly.

I felt my cheeks warm at his tone and tried to hide the growing blush by turning away. "I gotta go. Perry's probably worried." I said.

The smile evaporated before replaced with a sullen expression. "He's your boyfriend?"

I was spared from answering by the thundering steps echoing throughout the hallway and running up to us were two boys, one with blond hair done in a quiff, the other had dark curly hair that swept across his forehead.

"Michael!!" The dark haired boy cried before he barreled into Michael, a stream of babble coming out from his lips. "Oh my god it's been too long hey how ya been remember that time when we --"

"Hey slow down." The blond boy chided with a frown before flashing me a shy smile.

The faint memory of their faces tugged my mind when it suddenly clicked. "Hey Luke. Hi Calum." I said, waving at them.

"Oh they get hi and hey's???" Michael snapped incredulously.

Calum was busy trying to kiss Michael's face while Michael cringed away and Luke was awkwardly trying to separate Calum from Michael.

"Cal! Quit it, you'll mess up my hair!" Michael said with a short laugh, pushing Calum off before ruffling the boy's hair.

"Hey!" Calum squirmed under Michael's arm, trying to twist free.

"You have no idea how long it's been!" Luke exclaimed at Michael with wide blue eyes. "Hey we saw you move in the other day but you looked busy --"

I stared at them a little jealously, admiring how they still acted like really close friends despite the gap that time and distance had carved between them. Unlike Michael and I, they chatted amicably without any awkward tension, even chest-bumping each other and laughing.

Maybe it was easier for them, since they were boys. Maybe it was because Michael hadn't promised to visit them on their birthdays or during breaks. Hanging my head a little low, I swallowed back my envy and the tiny shred of resentment and marched away, allowing myself to contemplate about life.

*

"So how was school today?" Jacob asked, popping a biscuit into his mouth and regarding me with large green eyes.

Michael had green eyes too, but Jacob's was more like bright emerald whereas Michael's eyes were green-gray.

"Fine." I said with a shrug, placing my bag on my chair beside my study desk. My room was usually neat but now it had photo albums carelessly placed around the room, pictures I took over the course of the summer strewn atop my desk. 

"Ok I guess." I forced down the surfacing image of Michael's smirk.

Jacob lingered at the door hesitantly. "Um, Mom's coming home later." He said slowly.

I sat on my bed, placing Anne, my bunny doll, on top of my pillow. "I thought she's at work." 

My Mom worked as a nurse and my Dad was a doctor at the local hospital so they weren't really at home nowadays, since my brothers and I were old enough to look after ourselves.

Jacob's shoulders moved upwards in a faint shrug. "Y'know what it's like. Maybe it's just one of those days when Mom decides to take the evening off."

"What about Dad?" I asked.

"He'll probably be back by dinner before leaving for his night shift."

I bit my lip and stared at my hands. Longing bubbled up in my chest. I realized I missed the time when my parents were around regularly, even if it was just for the night. Now it seemed that they weren't even here at all.

I exhaled, rubbing my temples. "Jake, can I tell you something?"

Jacob padded over, sitting beside me and cocked his head slightly. "What?"

I bit my lip hesitatingly. Out of the triplets, Jacob would be most likely to tease me about boys but ironically he was best at relationship advice.

Adam wasn't really great at it since he was no love guru himself and Liam was more into cooking than relationships. That left Jacob, the most showy, outgoing, cocky and annoying of the three.

"Remember the house that used to belong to the Cliffords?" I began, looking into his emerald green eyes.

He narrowed them warily. "Yea?"

"Well, I think they moved back in."

His eyes widened, surprise evident in his features along with disbelief in his tone. "Why would you think that?" A playful smirk settled on his face. "Hey, are you getting that condition when you see --"

"No I'm not imagining Michael!" I protested, cheeks flaming. "I mean, I saw Michael today at school."

Jacob's eyebrows shot higher. "Are you serious??" He clapped his hands and jumped in his seat in excitement. "Oh my gosh my home dawg's back!"

I gave him a baffled look. "What?"

He waved his hand dismissively. "And what?" He grabbed my shoulder and shook me slightly. "Did you guys kiss and make up?"

Incredulity and horror passed over me. "What? No!" I said, my voice shooting up a few octaves. "It wasn't - I didn't - !"

Jacob smirked teasingly at me. "Aw cmon. Everyone in the family was shipping you with Michael ever since day one!"

I buried my face in my hand and tried not to scream at my brother in frustration. I should've talked to Wendy instead! Her teasing would be way less embarrassing than Jacob's banter. "W-Whatever." I managed in a muffled voice.

"Even Mom and Dad --"

Whatever he was about to say after was cut off by the ring of the doorbell downstairs.

We stopped, looking at each other in a daze for a few seconds.

Jacob's smirk returned. "Race ya to the door!" He exclaimed enthusiastically like we always did when we were younger.

We scrambled for the door and thundered down the steps with giggles and shoves but at the doorway, Adam and Liam was there.

The front door was open as well and they were talking to someone.

I looked over Adam's shoulder and frowned. "We really have to stop meeting like this." I said abruptly, interrupting their conversation.

He smiled, green eyes twinkling with playfulness. "I know right?" Michael agreed.


	5. Chapter 5

And so an awkward sort of silence ensued upon the living room, at least between Michael and I which was interrupted by abrupt questions and one-word answers. My brothers- well, Jacob mostly - did the talking and exchanging banters.

Liam did slip into the conversations but mostly out of politeness while Adam watched Michael warily, scrutinizing every inch of Michael with those golden eyes. I never thought of them as intimidating but from the way Adam sometimes glared at Michael when the topic of our childhood was brought up. 

I guessed he knew what that conversation would lead to but he hardly needed to stare at Michael with such intensity.

You might as well have a lion sharpening knives in front of you than have Adam regard you with thinly veiled resentment.

"Kaitlyn and I met during school today." Michael's eyes drifted to mine, an affable smile on his face. 

I started momentarily before nodding. "Uh yea." I managed.

Jacob paused to alternate looks between Michael and I. "Yea, Kaitlyn mentioned about that." The way he said that with the hinting grin was infuriating and I wished he would stop because it made me nervous.

Liam blinked. "She did?" He faced me with a surprised expression. "How come she didn't tell Adam and I?"

"Because we were downstairs preparing for tonight's dinner." Adam mumbled under his breath. "And Jake was being no help at all by playing COD upstairs in our room."

"Actually I was playing GTA." Jacob corrected. "I was in this club spending money on booze and making this hot girl strip in front of me." He added brazenly.

My face burned immediately as I tried to hide the scandalized look on my face but Michael saw it and smirked.

"Kaitlyn still gets squeamish about mature topics, doesn't she?" He pointed out and I was embarrassed.

"I-I don't." I lied, making my gaze match Michael's in defiance. "It's just a little hot in here."

Everyone stared at me with bewildered expressions when Jacob coughed delicately.

"Are you talking about the temperature or about the stuff I was saying about the girl stripping?" He forced a laugh and eased the awkwardness.

"Kaitlyn's into boys." Liam sighed in exasperation. "Though I'm not sure if she's interested in --"

"Really?" Michael's expression soured a little. His eyes looked at my direction stormily. "That's ... something."

I glanced down at my hands before deciding not to look up. Michael was making me nervous all over and also a little stupid. I thought of how Luke and Calum laughed with Michael, how he, Jacob and Liam talked amongst themselves easily and wondered why I couldn't do the same.

It was just weird.

How could you face someone, someone who shared a huge chunk of your growing up years, someone who left abruptly, without feeling as distant as a star?

"Well!" Adam interrupted the ghastly silent interlude with a loud clap of his hands. "Anyone wants something to eat?"

At that moment, three people in the room stood up, that being Adam, Michael and I.

"I'll help you." Michael offered, looking at Adam.

Adam narrowed his bright golden eyes, carefully deliberating before making a grunt in assent. Then they looked at me. "Kaitlyn?"

I bit my lip, exhaling. "I'm going out for a bit." I stated and glared at them defiantly, silently challenging prompts from them.

"How long is for a bit?" Jacob asked suspiciously. "'Cause if you're gonna sneak off with Perry --"

The mood of the room darkened further

"I'm not." I snapped, shouldering past Michael to the doorway. He scooted away just in time to catch my arm into his side. 

"I just need fresh air."

*

The sound of his footfall followed me from behind once I was walking down the street.

"Don't follow me." I growled over my shoulder.

It was like banging your head on the wall and telling it to stop. Michael was just as stubborn as that vertical barrier. I slowed my pace a little to let him catch up so that I could tell him off.

The person who caught up with me wasn't Michael though. Bright golden eyes stared back at mine. I flinched, body jerking away just a few inches.

"Adam!" I exhaled once I managed to get over my initial shock. "I thought you were Michael." I said, trying to steady my quick heartbeat. 

My brother simply regarded carefully, like he was trying to assess the situation. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, crossing my arms defensively over my chest. Adam's piercing golden eyes didn't help with my nerves, nor did it assist me in winning the silent stare-off we had. 

I dropped my gaze, staring at the weeds growing in between the cracks of the pavement by my feet. "I didn't think it was that important."

"The news or Michael?" He asked softly.

I sighed, burying my face into my hands and felt how hot my cheeks were. "I don't understand why he's here."

"There's more to your reaction towards him than meets the eye." Adam observed. It was scary how he could detect the slightest shred of hidden emotions just by looking at someone. It was also scary how he could read my mind.

I sniffed, rubbing my nose. "I honestly thought he forgot all about me. I mean, he left me hanging for years and now when I've come out of my shell, he comes back."

Adam whistled, wrapping an arm around me. I hadn't realize I had begun to shake until I had his support. 

"Cmon." He whispered. "Let's go to walk it off."

"I thought Michael would follow me." I said in a small voice.

Adam regarded me sympathetically. "I thought so too."

*

We took a walk around the neighborhood, weaving in and out of the streets and passing by houses. We steered clear of Michael's street though.

Only when we were a few minutes away from our house did Adam pipe up. "Michael's all grown up now." He said.

I nodded, biting down my lower lip as I spied the sprinkler on someone's lawn. "That's pretty obvious."

"I guess so." He mumbled and stuck his hands down his jean pockets, wearing a pensive expression. "He's changed."

I looked up at him in disbelief. A cool breeze blew, ruffling our hair. A few dark strands fell across his face but in my case, the locks went into my eyes.

"Shit." I cursed, impatiently flicking them out of the way. Adam stared at me with a horrified expression.

"Language!" He chided a if he couldn't believe his sister was swearing.

"I'm not 5 anymore." I stuck out a tongue at him.

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt, carefully stepping over the weeds that were growing in the cracks of the sidewalk. "You said something about Michael?"

"Yea?" He glanced at me from the corner of his eyes warily. "What about him?"

"I can't believe he's here." I said quietly. "It doesn't feel real. The Michael I knew would be horribly straightforward and obnoxious --"

"He's still obnoxious." Adam snorted.

I flashed him a glare. "But this - it's different." I told him about what happened in school today, what transpired between Michael and I with detail. "He didn't even tease me or whatever even when I was pissed with him. I mean that isn't normal of him and --"

"Like I said," Adam cut me off in a matter-of-factly tone. "He's changed." The hard set of his mouth indicated he didn't want me to contradict that.

"He's grown up." I corrected. "That doesn't mean he's changed." I said anyway, and the gold became verdigris.

"Other than physically, perhaps." He mumbled under his breath.

"I thought he forgot all about me." I sadly admitted in a quiet tone. "It would've been easier."

"Easier for your mind or for your heart?" He asked aloud.

I kept silent for a while, contemplating briefly.

"You loved him, I know that." Adam observed, saying it in a sympathetic tone. "Don't give me that look, you know it's true. Frankly, I didn't know kids could fall in love but after seeing you --"

"I wasn't in love with him." I snapped indignantly. "I just - I - oh what the  
fuck." I exhaled loudly in exasperation of my inability to describe and crossed my arms in agitation, feeling a pressure behind my eyes. "I just wanted him to come back."

"And your wish just got granted."

"I know but I wished he'd came back sooner. All these years, I've been trying so hard to make new friends and now, he wants us to --" I broke off.

"It would be easier if he just forgot and never came back."

"How can you forget," Adam began, looking at me earnestly with a distant expression. "All those years of friendship and memories?"

My heart sank a little when I pondered over that question. "He didn't say anything when he left. He didn't --" I broke off, covering my mouth with my hand to stifle my sobs. "I thought he was leaving a week after he told me."

But he didn't. He left just three days after.

I licked my dry lips, startled at how cracked they felt and placed my fingers on them. I probed the flaked skin absentminded, running my tips over them when Adam said again.

"You're hurting inside." He stated sympathetically. "You don't want to let him in because you're afraid of the repeat of what happened."

"Yes."

"And I'm afraid of watching you fall into pieces again." Adam confessed with a slight hint of guilt.

In silence, I agreed to that. I didn't want myself to shatter again after years of fixing myself up and moving on from that phase. I closed my eyes and inhaled the warm breeze that was blowing our way. We were nearing our house now, just a turn at the next street and we'd be right there.

The image of his infuriating smirk was imprinted at the back of my eyelids, green eyes that shone with mirth and playfulness, and the curve of his lips indicating he was teasing me. It wasn't the Michael I had met today. It was the Michael I used to love, the boy who brought me out of my shell.

"I promise I'll come back for you." He said, arms around me. The sleeve on my left shoulder was already damp, perhaps from his tears.

And now he has.

That little idiot kept his promise.


	6. Chapter 6

When Adam and I got home, Michael wasn't there, much to my initial relief and a twinge of disappointment. Momentarily shocked by those feelings, I excused myself hastily before my brothers could speak to me and hurried up the stairs to my room.

Ignoring the peremptory calls from my brothers downstairs, I threw my back against my door and locked it for good measure, slumping against it till I was in sitting position.

A small sigh escaped from my lips and the little dull ache in my chest evolved from a minor nuisance to a throb.

I pressed my palm over my heart and wondered why I was feeling this way.

So what?

Michael wasn't in my house anymore.

I shouldn't have felt anything about his leave. I should've been indifferent. And yet, emotions worked its way into me. How was this happening?

Gathering my knees to my chest, I huddled up, unfocused eyes staring at my Bring Me The Horizon poster stuck to the wall beside my bed.

The more I stared at something, thought began clouding my mind, tiny voices that shouted the dangerous what ifs.

What if Michael came back for you?

What if Michael's simply just here for the reason he had mentioned?

What if you happen to like Michael?

What if Michael's just gonna break your heart again?

What if --

"Wake up." I slapped my cheeks lightly to dispel the unwanted thoughts.

"Take my hand and give me a reason to start again." A smug drawl drifted from my right; I started, a very abrupt jerk that nearly tipped me off balance from my curled position. I yelped in surprise, my hands thrown out to break the fall when I grabbed on the doorjamb, nails scraping into the wood which sent a sharp sound and a judder up my arm.

My head whipped wildly to the direction of the voice and saw Michael sprawled carelessly on my bed with a satisfied smirk on his face. I hadn't noticed him when I came in. 

My heart skipped a beat.

Strange how time was like liquid. Sometimes, it was like the rapids, current relentless. Other times, it simply dripped by. This time, it froze like a glacier, just enough for me to take the sight of him in.

His dark hair was gleaming in the light of fading sunlight streaming in from the bare windows. Lips curved into a playful smile, his eyes glittered with a sort of amusement at me. Annoyingly, he looked good in that distressed rocker boy appearance.

I hated the effect he had on my heart. It was thumping so hard.

"What?" He said, eyebrows raised questioningly. "Aren't you familiar with the song Sleepwalking by your favorite band?" Michael waved his hand at my poster as if to emphasize his point.

I flushed, partly in indignation and mostly in mortification that he somehow guessed it correct. That complacent expression didn't help either.

"I-I like other bands too." I managed, meeting his eyes defiantly. "Like Sleeping With Sirens, Mayday Parade, One Direction, 500 Years of Winter, Fall Out Boy, Black Veil Brides etcetera."

"But you like BMTH the most, don't you?" Michael pressed on.

I flashed him an irritated look and he threw his head back in laughter. Suddenly, I found myself stiffly getting up, marching forward and smacking him across his shoulder. "Fuck you, shut up." I said through gritted teeth.

He paused to give me a suggestive wink. "When?"

"Michael!" I admonished and he stopped messing around. We regarded each other for a few heartbeats when Michael spoke up.

"Sheesh, you have a terrible taste in music." He remarked brazenly. I was taken aback by his shamelessness so my reaction was only sensible.

"Excuse you! You are in my room!" I snapped, throwing my arms up in exasperation. "On my bed! You're lucky Adam's in a good mood today, by which I mean, really good mood! Otherwise if he saw you here in one of those days, he'd hang you on the tree and whack you upside the head with a baseball bat!"

Michael opened his mouth to say something but I went on, cutting off all his opportunities to speak.

"And here I am," I ranted angrily. "Letting you criticize my music taste and you haven't had the decency to apologize to me for barging into my privacy and my life!"

I broke off, taking gulps of air as Michael regarded me with faint shock.

"Adam has man periods?" He said stupidly which sent me spiraling into the depths of immense irritation.

"Just go." I exhaled it all in one huff, pointing at the door.

Michael stared at me for a little longer, some glimmer of emotion in those green irises before he heaved himself off, making a big show of dusting off and straightening my covers. "Alright whatever." He mumbled sulkily. "Go be an asswipe, Kai."

My heart stopped momentarily and I sucked in a startled breath. "Don't call me that."

He whipped around, looking at me incredulously. "What? Reminds you too much of what we have?"

My stomach tightened involuntarily. "Just go!" I shouted.

Michael flinched and I saw a brief flash of hurt in his eyes before he schooled it into impassiveness. "Bye Kaitlyn." He greeted without enthusiasm and turned to leave.

Just right before the door, he glanced over his shoulder and said. "I really do hope we can get past that little altercation between us and get our old friendship back up again."

I hadn't realized I'd been holding my breath until I heard my door click shut.

*

"I've noticed a lot of things lately." Wendy announced from her homework, a stray strand of perfect blonde hair falling over her face. She blew it out of her way and twirled her pencil, looking at me expectantly with her big chocolatey brown eyes.

I bit my lower lip, a habit I've struggled to break, and glanced at my unfinished Maths problem. "Yea?" I asked warily.

We were in her bedroom. Her very spacious bedroom. Pale pink with wallpapers decorated the room, an occasional band poster and her beautiful artwork pasted onto it to make it less plain. Her bed was a four-poster one, with a patchwork coverlet and fluffy pillows. Her walk-in wardrobe was just on our left and her own bathroom across us. 

A small vanity table with a mirror sat in one corner, filled with perfumes, makeup kits and whatever Wendy needed to make herself prettier; she didn't need to, Wendy was already the epitome of beauty, at least my idea of beauty. 

See, Wendy came from a rich family of business corporates. Though she was financially loaded, she didn't like the idea that her family's wealth was spent on ridiculously expensive luxury items. She hated the idea of rich people getting richer and poor people getting poorer so she always made it a point to donate to organizations helping out those in poverty as well as volunteer in soup kitchens to help out less fortunate.

Wendy was really humble for someone belonging to a family as rich as Croesus. And she didn't like others doing things for her, she insisted on being independent.

Not that I was friends with Wendy for the dough, in fact, I had no idea she was rich until she invited me to her house one day for a sleepover, since my brothers had some party that night. You could imagine how shocked I was when I showed up in my Pokemon t-shirt, snuggly sweatpants and my pillow under my arm when I reached her house, only to be answered at the door by a handsome butler who looked just as bemused as I was.

"What things?" I asked when Wendy kept the suspense.

A faint smile tugged her lips in a teasing manner and she twirled her pencil between her fingers again. "There are rose bushes in my garden."

I tolled my eyes. "Really, I didn't realize." I said dryly and she laughed.

"Geez, what happened to you?" She shoved my arm lightly. "You used to enjoy it when we have study and homework sessions together." Wendy pouted adorably.

"I did. I mean do." I corrected before chewing on my lower lip again. I stopped immediately.

"Hmm." She narrowed her eyes at me. "It's only the first week of school and we're loaded with piles of homework already." Wendy gestured at the exercise books on her study desk. "Who said high school was a breeze?"

I nodded. "I think High School Musical did."

She wrinkled her nose. "Eugh. I prefer Camp Rock. Though Disney movies don't make good chick flicks."

"I don't think HSM and CR are chick flicks." I pointed out.

"But little girls watch it."

"So did my brothers." I countered.

"Damn they're hot. Your brothers I mean. " She giggled. "Speaking of hot." A slow red blush spread across her features along with a slight bit of embarrassment. "Cilan, um --"

I leaned in interestedly. "Yea?" I heard my voice thin with giddy excitement.

"I think he likes me."

"No way!"

"Yes way!" Wendy nodded eagerly. "We were at Macca's after school today and I was just talking about - I can't remember - and then Cilan just said 'Wendy will you come with me to watch this movie --'" She rattled out the name of the latest romantic-comedy flick. "And he was blushing!" She exclaimed.

I clapped my hands. "Attagirl!"

"I really think I've got him this time! After 2 years!" She giggled again and after a few moments she stopped. gradually. "So what do you think of the new kid?"

The pencil in my hand suddenly bended and snapped loudly, startling my best friend.

My face grew hot when she regarded me worriedly. "U-Um nothing."

"Really?" Wendy narrowed her eyes at me. "Because Perry told me --"

"Perry's probably just pulling your leg." I blurted out, anxiety making my voice shake. "You know how he is."

She pondered on that thoughtfully. "I don't think Cilan was pulling my shoelace off for Perry - wait that's out of topic - no really! Perry told me and he seemed a little worried that the Clifford guy wanted to talk to you. Alone." Wendy said, her tone implying an obscure meaning for the last word.

The mention of my boyfriend getting a little worried about me was supposed to make me a little flattered but instead I felt cold dread snaking its way up into my back. 

"I-I've never met that Clifford kid before." I lied.

She shook her head. "You've always been bad at lying."

I bit my lip absentmindedly until I tasted the metallic taste of blood when a flashback entered my mind unbidden. 

"Cmon admit it. You like John." Michael teased, shoving me a bit too hard when we were walking home from school.

"N-No!" I flustered. "He just helped me with Science; that's all." My face was hot.

"Yea right." He snorted with a roll of his eyes. "Your voice quavers and you blush with that funny expression on your face like your mom caught you stealing from the cookie jar."

"T-That's not true." I defended indignantly.

Michael looked at me from the side of his eyes, the wind ruffling his blond hair. "You've never been good at lying Kai. Or at acting. And I notice the little things very well."

I shook my head to clear it off. "What if I know him?"

"Huh?" Wendy blinked in confusion. "Who? You've been quiet for so long I thought you were busy thinking of how to lie convincingly, not that I don't like blatantly open and honest Kat." She rambled.

"I meant Michael."

She stared at me. "Michael Frederick from Physics class?"

"No. Michael Clifford." I said with exaggerated patience, barely resisting the urge to roll my eyes.

"Ah." She nodded understandingly.

I seized her hand in a desperate gesture, startling her with the suddenness and looked her in her eyes, silently begging her. "I'll tell you about him. Us. But, promise me that you won't tell anyone. Not even Perry."

Wendy's lips were parted with surprise, eyes wide but slowly she managed with a small nod. "Alright." She said firmly, enveloping my hand with hers.

"I don't know where to start." I exhaled shakily, running fingers through my hair. "There's a lot to tell."

She smiled and said gently. "You could start with the beginning. I find that always helps."

Drawing in a nervous breath, I began to recount my friendship with Michael when we were kids.


	7. Chapter 7

"So I believe that the best way to answer a call from somebody you don't like is 'Mario's pizzeria and abortion climic, your loss is our sauce!'" Cilan announced at the cafeteria table we were sitting around on, hands spread out as if to receive an applause.

Wendy choked on her apple juice, I stared at him with wide-eyed shock and Perry simply snorted.

"Dude, you don't think I know where you got that? It was on kickasshumor.com." Perry said.

Cilan pouted, slouching slightly in his seat as his arms crossed themselves over his chest. "Pah, you always shoot me down when I think I've got one joke you don't know. Like you got any better ones, skater boy?" Cilan grumbled but in a lighthearted manner.

Perry smirked, hazel eyes gleaming. "How does the moon cut his hair?"

"I don't think the moon actually has hair." Wendy interrupted and Cilan glanced at her pointedly for a second.

"He clips."

"Nice one Per." I grinned at him but he regarded me with confusion. I glanced over at Wendy who shot me a look that said something that I didn't quite catch when the voice said again.

"That wasn't Perry. It was me, Kaitlyn." My head swiveled back and I nearly got whiplash. Michael was standing right behind me, holding a tray of food.

I gaped before closing my mouth immediately.

Michael's eyebrows shot up, making that metallic black piercing on his right eyebrow more noticeable. He looked especially hot in that sleeveless red button down and skinny jeans with that pair of Vans. Michael had gotten rid of the black dye so his hair now was blond but darker than I remembered.

Heat rushed to my cheeks when Michael let his lips curve upwards slightly. "H-Hi." I mumbled when I sensed a sudden movement under the table.

"Ow! Why'd you kick me Wendy?" Perry yelped indignantly, looking under the table.

I turned back to glare at my best friend who gave me a sheepish expression. I saw the worry on her features when Cilan piped up.

"I don't get the joke." He announced.

"Can I join you guys? The tables are all full." Michael blanked him.

Perry decided over this for a moment before smiling. "Yea. Sure mate. You can sit right over here." He gestured at the empty spot beside him.

Wordlessly, Michael parked his butt beside me on my left and I caught the faint scent of cinnamon. I fought back a shudder and felt myself trying to steady my already quickening heartbeat by sucking in quiet and shallow breaths. Michael's close proximity was not helping me at all. 

"Or you could sit right there next to Kaitlyn." Perry muttered reproachfully under his breath.

"He clips. Eclipse." Michael looked at Cilan across the table.

Cilan flinched, obviously startled that Michael had replied to him after he ignore Cilan. "O-Oh right." He stammered, much too shocked. "That's nice."

An awkward silence settled itself on the table. I tried to ignore how I could sense Michael's movements, even though he was a respectable distance away from me that wouldn't arouse any suspicion from others. Fidgeting my fingers under the table, I snuck a glance from the corner of my eye at Perry.

Even Perry seemed unsettled by Michael's presence.

"Hi I'm Michael Clifford." Michael said abruptly, making all of us flinch.

A chorus of hellos greeted him.

"What are your names?" He looked at each of us, except me, with a curious expression. "I didn't get the chance to get fully acquainted with you guys."

My hand reached up to wipe the sheen of sweat of my brow but Michael mistook that as a sign of attention-seeking.

"I know you." Michael said, regarding me equably. "You don't have to introduce yourself."

I froze, staring at him with some degree of shock at how blatantly direct he was. "Um ok." I mumbled.

On my other side, Perry frowned, leaning in. "You two ... know each other?" He asked and sounded as if he couldn't place those words in one sentence without a hesitant pause; his voice betrayed a slight shed of worry and suspicion.

Michael smiled, still keeping his green eyes on me. I shivered inwardly, startled at how intense his stare was. My heart was hammering so hard, it was difficult to discern whether that roar I was hearing was the din of the cafeteria or pulse hammering in my ears. I turned my face away, fidgeting even more and chewing on my lower lip because of the pressure.

"Of course we do." Michael said finally. "We met just a few days ago." He lied convincingly. "Right Kaitlyn?"

I flinched on the spot. "Y-Yea." Michael smiled at me and caused my nerves to sing on edge and my heartbeat to quicken even more. I felt my face grow hot, I hated the effect he had on me.

Perry exhaled, expression pensive but went on cheerily. "Yea you know me too, right?"

"Perry Brooks." Michael said automatically.

"I'm Wendy." My best friend said, smiling but she glanced at me worriedly.

"And I'm Cilantro but just call me Cilan." Cilan grinned.

"Great." Michael said before looking around and laughing weakly. "The school is huge. I think I got lost a couple of times on my way to class."

"Well there's a certain trick to getting around." Perry explained. "D'you want me to show you?"

At that, I saw Michael's face sour for a microsecond before regaining his composure. "Perhaps." He said cryptically and Perry's smile wavered.

"I think I have to finish up on Chemistry homework." I announced, sitting abruptly that everyone jumped in their seats. I felt dizzy when I saw Michael looking up at me with raised eyebrows, the black piercing winking at me and instantly making him look hotter.

Wendy cleared her throat. "I don't think we --" She shut up when I glared at her.

"I'll be off to the library, in case any of you need me." I said before regretting my words. At that, Michael stood up.

It was scary how tall he was, how I could notice his full height when he was next to me. He was a few inches taller than my brothers and had to incline his head to look me in the eye when he spoke which made me feel smaller.

"I'll go with you. I really have to meet my friends at the library and I still have no idea how to get there."

Perry discreetly rolled his eyes and sighed.

*

"So just ahead's the school swimming pool and on your right leads to the school labs." I gestured at the directions as we walked through the school hallway. "And then if you walk a little further to the left --"

"Sheesh, Kai, you're starting to sound like a tour guide." Michael remarked behind me.

I stopped in my tracks, flashing him an irate expression. "You're the one who insisted on tagging along saying you were still having trouble finding your way!" I snapped irritably, crossing my arms.

He simply looked bored. "Really, do you believe everything I say?? God, Kai, you're so naive."

I flushed and my scowl deepened. "Don't call me that! Kai, I mean. I hate that nickname. It's Kat, or Kaitlyn. Not Kai."

Michael's lips parted slightly. "Why can't I call you Kai?"

"Why not?"

He chuckled but not before I saw the flash of hurt in his eyes. "Whoa watch that sass, girl."

I scoffed, rolling my eyes. "I'm not naive." I bit my lip. "Besides, you're new here. I feel obligated to at least show you around."

"And when did that feeling sprout up?" Michael challenged. "I suppose it wasn't because you're trying to fix our friendship?"

I sighed exasperatedly. "I was just trying to get away and you keep following me around. Plus Perry gets worried about," I gestured at him. "Random guys following me around."

"I wasn't following you around." Michael frowned indignantly. "And I'm not just some random guy. I have a name, you know?"

I ignored the last part. "Yes you were." I snapped.

"No I wasn't." He countered.

"You were!"

"Not!"

"Were!"

"Not!"

I shook my head. "You're wasting my time. Cmon let's go Mikey." I snapped my fingers and marched off.

"Mikey?" He sounded amused and I realized my mistake.

"Michael!" I corrected irritably. "I said Michael."

"Kaitlyn." He placed a hand on my shoulder which forced me to look at him. I flinched.

"I just want us to be friends."

"Why?" I demanded.

"I thought I told you why." Michael said. "To make up for all those years of silence."

"I don't want your amends." I snapped and shrugged off his hand. "I just want you to leave me alone."

"And yet, you're still mad at me. Which means you haven't moved on." He noted.

I opened my mouth to say something but a female high pitched voice interrupted from behind.

"Hi Michael!"

I sighed and rolled my eyes in annoyance before turning around to find Drew Wilkins and her trolls with her, in matching tops and way too much makeup.

Resentment bubbled in my chest like poison, not because I was jealous of her flawless fair hair and luminous hazel eyes nor her tall height or her curvy stature.

I hated that she knew Michael and that Michael knew her. 

See, Drew Wilkins was the girl who could have everything and everyone wrapped around her perfectly manicured finger.

She was unnecessarily rich, way too attractive-looking and had a nasty disposition to boot. I didn't understand why a lot of boys in this school had, at least once in their life, a crush on her. Maybe it was because of her looks, her hourglass figure or wealth.

Whatever the case, she was prolific playgirl that has probably dated at least 97% of the school population.

She hated me, I hated her; the feeling was mutual. My reason to hate her: she tried to hook up with my brother Adam at a party, which was low. Her reason to hate me: How Adam turned her down and warned his brothers off her and the fact that I was his sister. 

I had that feeling that my ex-best friend would be her next victim and I got the compulsive urge to protect him.

Not that Michael needed fending off girls like her.

I just couldn't stand the thought of him with her. Or any of her trolls.

I glanced at Michael and was disgusted to find that he was smiling at her in a flirtatious way. The heart constricted painfully in my chest.

"Hi Drew." He said, voice sounding multiple times sexier. "What's up?"

She giggled, or more like snort-squeak-cackle, and dimpled. Then her gaze landed on me before her face screwed up. "Oh, I didn't realize you were with her." Drew eyed me with disgust.

"Bitch." I snapped and her clique gasped. Michael was staring at me impassively while Drew held her place.

"You bitch." She scoffed. "What the fuck do you think you're doing with my boyfriend here??"

My heart lurched sickeningly and it was my turn to gasp, a horrible sound. I looked at Michael and Drew with wide-eyed shock. "W-Wha?" I staggered dizzily.

Drew looked smug and strode over to Michael, draping her arm over his shoulder. "You didn't know?" She purred with mock sympathy when Michael let his hand around her, staring at me with placidity.

So many emotions were swirling in me like a whirlpool till I couldn't tell whether I wanted to cry, seethe or strangle them both. Maybe all three. I exhaled shakily and tried to regain my composure.

"Whatever." I bluffed, but my voice quavered. "It's not like that's relevant news anyway. Typical." I rolled my eyes but my mind was whirring with all sorts of profanities aimed at the both of them.

Michael narrowed his gaze at me but said nothing; his eyes were unreadable.

Drew snorted, laying her head on the crook of Michael's neck and smiled poisonously at me. "Well, run along now. Don't bother us, cunt, or else."

Like I would let that threat get to me.

But I was too stunned I simply stared at the ground wordlessly for a moment before taking off.

I didn't go to the library.


	8. Chapter 8

Whenever I was upset about something or needed time alone, I always frequented places that had a lovely scenery and were usually devoid of people. There was this hill overlooking the neighborhood in the park, behind the small woods.

You could see the roads crisscrossing the suburbs, the neat row of houses and the cars driving along and the occasional person walking down the street below from up there.

I sat on the slope of the hill, on the soft green grass, replaying what had happened at school earlier just now. I didn't go to class after lunch, I grabbed my bag and left. Nobody really seemed to notice my leaving the school and after dumping my stuff at home, I headed straight up here, to think or rather to mope.

There was something tranquil at this spot, perhaps the view or the quiet, that made my anger ebb away slowly like a receding wave. But the hurt was still in my chest, it always was, just hidden and waiting for the right moment to pounce.

The grass around me danced in the warm gentle breeze, filling my nose with the smell of summer. The shadows on the ground cast by the tree above me rustled and I let myself wander in my thoughts.

"Don't talk to me." I snapped, pushing Michael weakly away with both my hands but he stayed rooted to the spot, tight-lipped and his jaw stubbornly set. "Leave me alone." I whined feebly. My arm was beginning to throb from his tight grip.

"No." He said, the lines on his brow deepened. His green eyes blazed with such determination I was pretty sure there was no way to get it into his fat head that I didn't want to talk to anyone. "I won't."

"You heard what Connor said about me." I sniffled, and wiped my nose with the back of my hand in a childish gesture.

Michael bit his lips and let go of me, only to rummage through his bag for a hanky and handed it to me. "Connor's a dumb-butt. He shouldn't have said what he said to you." Michael frowned as he watched me accept his hanky.

"But you know it's true. I'm stupid. I can't even make the silly diorama of --"

"Don't say that!" Michael half-shouted and I realized it was directed at me. "You're not stupid!" He said a little softer now. "People make mistakes and I don't think making one means you're dumb or whatever."

I stared at him with shock and he stepped forward to wrap his arms around me. I flinched but after a heartbeat, I tentatively hugged back. I could feel his heart hammering under his chest and how warm his cheek was against mine.

"Don't believe him. Don't believe anyone who's mean to you. They just want to make you sad and I hate seeing you cry." Michael whispered, his warm breath stirring my hair.

"Why would you hate seeing me cry?" I asked softly, drawing back a little.

His lips were parted slightly, eyes a little wide and a small blush coloring his cheeks with a high color. Michael bit his lip and glanced away as if he was too embarrassed to hold my gaze.

"I knew I'd find you here."

My eyes fluttered open, the glare of the brightness of day making them hurt a little when it adjusted on the clear blue sky. I angled my face to the side and saw him standing before me, expression placid but I saw the relief in his gaze. Hastily I brushed away drying tears.

"You always like to go to high places with a view to feel upset without worrying anyone else." Michael reminded me and I was annoyed that he remembered that.

"What do you want, Michael?" I frowned at him, watching him sit beside me, shoulder brushing on mine. Our bare skin touched and I felt a little breathless at the electrifying sensation. The breeze blew again and I caught the whiff of cinnamon on him.

I watched from the side of my vision as he drew his legs up and hugged them, looking straight at me with a cocked head and a faint smile. My heart fluttered mutinously at the sight.

"I wanted to make sure you were ok." He said plainly, as if that was the reason why he was here.

I scoffed incredulously, ignoring the flutter in my stomach, and closed my eyes. Counting silently to ten, I told myself this wasn't real. That all that happened this week was all just a dream and I'd wake up soon.

"Kaitlyn, say something." His soft voice was a proof that this was reality.

I sighed and looked at him.

"You've always had beautiful eyes." Michael breathed, his gaze tender and the smile pleasant. "They're so light, a shade of amber like molten gold."

"And you have a girlfriend." I muttered darkly and he smirked at me. 

There's the Michael I knew.

"So?" He said.

"So what?"

"So you think I have a girlfriend." Michael's tone was almost mocking; it cracked a little.

"Drew confirmed it. And it's not like you denied it anyway." I scowled, rolling my eyes to make a point that I wasn't happy about it. "Also I don't think you should be sneaking around behind her back with other girls, especially ex-best friends like me."

He laughed in amused disbelief and I regarded him with surprise. "I'm not sneaking around." Michael's face turned serious. "And you're not my ex-best friend."

"I am your ex-best friend." I snapped and his eyebrows knitted themselves. "We haven't talked in like, what, years! One might say you've forgotten all about me."

"Now you're sounding dramatic." He sighed in mock sympathy and earned a pointed glare from me.

"You never contacted me. You never visited like you promised. And you're telling me you want to fix our friendship without apologizing??" I spat vehemently.

"Now now, Kai --"

"Don't call me that!"

"I did apologize the other day, if you've forgotten."

"It wasn't enough!" I half-yelled at him.

He was scowling indignantly at me now. "Oh it wasn't?? What were you expecting?? A box of chocolates and balloons that read 'I'm sorry Kaitlyn, can we be friends again'??"

"Well no --"

"And what? You want me to say what an asshole I was for leaving when I wasn't the one who wanted to go and have frustrated sex??"

I gaped at him incredulously, very much scandalized by what just popped out from his mouth but he didn't seem fazed by the fact that he said the s-word. 

"I-I don't want to - have sex with you! That's just - wow what do you take me for? A slut??" I tried to sound angry but my voice trembled thinly. 

Michael paled, apparently realizing he shouldn't have said what he said but I went on angrily.

"Besides, I wanted you to apologize and explain why you left without saying goodbye!" This time, I was yelling at him and he was shrinking away.

I stopped, eyes wide and pulse hammering in my ears. I saw the look on his face, and regretted letting my bitter resentment explode on him.

Slowly, he sat up, blinking and inhaling shakily. "Kaitlyn." Michael whispered and a sad faraway look misted his eyes. He had beautiful eyes too. They were just so open and honest, but at the same time, vulnerable and fragile. My breath caught in my throat with guilt.

"You never said goodbye." I said in a weakly voice, exhausted.

Michael pressed his soft lips into a thin line, shifting closer and faced me to look me in the eyes. He appeared so contrite and I wished I had let go of the resentment sooner.

"I apologized for the broken promises, not for the unspoken goodbye." He said softly, and his hand moved to my face to brush away a strand of brown hair. "I told myself to never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away. And going away ... means forgetting."

I knew those lines. He was quoting my favorite Disney movie him and I used to love and watch for hours together when we were younger, huddled close together on the couch. Those were Peter Pan's words.

I held my breath as he leaned closer to me, his eyes half-lidded and veiled by those long blond lashes I could count individually. "I don't ever want to forget you Kaitlyn." He said, his voice sounding thick with some emotion I couldn't recognize. 

Against my volition, I felt myself exhale softly and let the tension escape me, my eyes fluttering closed when he leaned in. Our lips had barely brushed when a warning bell went off in my head and, almost reflexively, I jerked back and found myself shoving him away with strength I didn't know I had.

Michael made a surprised sound, stumbling back a little with wide eyes. My face flamed hotly with embarrassment and I could hear my own ragged breathing, a harsh sounding noise. 

There was a terrible aching in my chest, for something that I wanted but didn't know and couldn't have, and anger at myself for letting my guard down. I was afraid of how I felt for this beautiful boy and of how he'd hurt me in the most exquisite ways. I knew that if I let this go on, it would break down all that I had struggled to build up with just a small but galvanizing action.

Michael goggled at me, disbelief, along with that flush across his features accentuated on his pale skin. "What - ?"

"Stop it Michael." I heard my voice harden into cold tone. "This - this whatever you're doing."

He was still staring at me with utter disbelief. Hastily, I scrambled to my feet, shaking my head and regarding him as if he were a dangerous being, something I should never mess around with. 

Michael blinked and the impassive expression returned on his face. "But I was just trying to --"

"No!" I cried and felt hot tears rolling down my face. "Please don't do this to me." I whimpered. "Don't ... force on me something I can't do."

He let his gaze fall away when I dashed away, running back home.

I was afraid of him. Of falling in love with him all over again.

Because love was like fire; it kept you warm and safe. But no matter what, it was always burned, always the danger of its power hanging by a fragile thread.

And I swore not to play with fire ever again.


	9. Chapter 9

"Kaitlyn where were you yesterday?" was the first thing Wendy said to me when she saw me at school the next day. "I didn't see you at class and after school. Did you get sick or something?" Her hands went to both sides of my face as she examined me worriedly with those brown eyes. "You didn't reply my texts and - gosh you look terrible."

I laughed weakly, pushing her away slightly. "I'm fine. Just had a headache." I lied, wincing inwardly as a stab of guilt buried in my chest. I hated lying though I only did it so that people wouldn't be so worried over me.

What Wendy said was true. I awoke this morning exhausted, as if sleep didn't bring me any rest, and was startled to find a pale oval face looking back at me in the mirror, with dark crescents under her golden eyes which appeared to have lost their gleam. Her lips looked chapped and bitten, her face tight with weariness and streaked with dried tears. The long brown hair that framed her face was messy and tangled in various places.

I had winced away from my reflection and tried to apply makeup to cover up the damage. But since I wasn't very good at it, I abandoned all attempts and just washed my face.

Wendy pursed her lips together and regarded me suspiciously. "Well, if it was that bad ..." She trailed off just as Perry and Cilan walked up to us. "Hey guys!" She said cheerily to them but it sounded forced.

Cilan smiled at her but Perry's hazel eyes honed in on mine at once, shining with worry. "You didn't reply my texts last night." He said, a crease in between his eyebrows forming as he stepped forward towards me, enveloping me into a hug. "I thought something bad happened to you."

I closed my eyes, feeling my tensed body weaken against him as the boyish scent of leather and soap invaded my senses. My heart, I noticed with a start, was aching to tell him what had actually happened. "I'm sorry. I was just exhausted." I replied instead, ignoring the guilty pang in my chest.

Emotionally. I added ruefully to myself. My mind wandered again to the memory of Drew with Michael.

Stop it.

"Well, you could've at least told me." Perry's voice shook a little. "I'm your boyfriend. And I can't stand the thought of you being unwell."

Michael stared at me, those huge worried green eyes fixed on me as he nibbled halfheartedly on his sandwich across the table. "Kai, you sure you're ok?" He voiced out.

I nodded, even though my head throbbed with a dull but barely tolerable, what with the contributing din of the cafeteria of kids shouting at each other with various conversations. I felt his gaze on me like a weight as I laid my head on the table, closing my eyes as if it could shut out the noise.

I knew Michael wouldn't believe me, and I was right when he sat up and moved next to me, wrapping an arm around me. The scent of cinnamon overwhelmed my senses and I felt a lull. "Kai," He prompted gently. "I'm your best friend. Please, just tell me if it hurts. I hate to see you in pain."

I tensed in Perry's arms, knowing it was wrong to think of another boy when I was in my boyfriend's arms. Perry thought I was getting uncomfortable in his embrace so he let go, with a mildly guilty expression. 

I pressed my lips together. "I know. I just didn't want to worry you." I admitted and Perry exhaled softly. "I'm such a terrible girlfriend."

"No don't say that!" Perry's face tightened with apprehension. "You're not a terrible girlfriend or a terrible person!" He protested incredulously. "I guess I was just being a little too pushy."

I liked Perry. I always had, ever since 7th grade though as a person to be admired but never take seriously. Though now I felt like I should be a little more serious with him.

Perry used to be a skinny kid, all lanky limbs and that impish grin paired with endearing hazel eyes. Then puberty had hit him last year right after summer, kicking away those delicate childlike looks and chiseling features into defined jawlines and sexy smirks. There was still that mischievous gleam in his eyes, but it was often taken as a flirtatious glint. Most girls liked him.

I remembered coming home right after he confessed his feelings to me feeling dazed. A pale oval face, with golden eyes stared back at me from the mirror, framed with long brown hair that curled a little in humidity. I had wondered what he saw in me.

I pursed my lips but said nothing, hugging him again. But when I closed my eyes, the memory of soft lips just almost touching mine resurfaced, making my stomach constrict.

*

You and me got a whole lot of history.

I drummed my fingers against the book cover of some horror novel I dragged out from one of the library shelves as One Direction played in my earbuds, ignoring the sporadic warning glances the old librarian sitting hunched over her desktop playing Candy Crush sent in my direction.

I was glad, for today, that I didn't share the same free period with Perry, Cilan or Wendy. Honestly, I could do without them and their questioning looks at the moment. I wanted to be alone.

We could be the greatest thing that the world has ever seen.

As my eyes skimmed the lines of literary scares, not quite reading but just absorbed in words, my mind kept wandering to the moment that had transpired between Michael and I yesterday. The music playing seemed blur into an indistinct harmony as I let myself drift.

The memory of brought hot flushes across my cheeks and that strange intensifying aching sensation in me. I was embarrassed that I was tempted to let him do what he wanted to me, in the heat of the moment.

I remembered the painful constriction in my chest at the sight of Drew draping her arm casually over Michael, and Michael not doing anything about it. He didn't even deny the notion, and even, thought halfheartedly, had laughed at me for believing so. If one didn't deny something, it should be true, shouldn't it?

My head had swum dizzyingly when he leaned forward, with half-lidded eyes and a thick drawl to his voice. I had felt tempted to let him do whatever he wanted to do to me, to just let myself go. I was in pain and what damage could he have done anyway?

Biting my lips, I ran my hands down my arms and felt goosebumps prickling the skin. I shivered, glaring at the air-conditioner that was blasting cold air throughout the library. I've always hated feeling cold.

I rubbed my aching temples, glancing at the open book about cooking recipes on my table before I pulled out my earbuds, interrupting One Direction in mid-song. With a sigh, I stood up and made my way outside to the hallways to soak up a bit of warmth.

My sneakers squeaked against the polished floor, echoing off the walls noisily. The hallways were devoid of students and it felt kinda awkward walking by myself but I was too preoccupied with the thought of grabbing my spare hoodie in my locker.

"Please come with me, Mikey." I pleaded, propping myself up with my elbows. The glow of our flashlights casted shadows across his face which was intently concentrated on reading a Spiderman comic. The only thing in this tent fort we built together that shone its brightest was his green eyes.

"I think I left my jacket downstairs." I said when he frowned at me. "I'm cold."

Michael shook his head, pressing his lips together in a thin line. "Why do girls complain a lot? It's just so annoying. Why can't you get it yourself?" He asked.

A stab of hurt buried itself in my chest. I glanced down at my hands. "I-I'm scared of being alone. And it's dark downstairs in your living room."

His mouth twitched. "What? Afraid the bogeyman will catch you?" With that, he feigned lunge and I shrieked in surprise.

"D-Don't do that Mikey!" I admonished in a squeaky tone, my goosebumps prickling even more. "It's scary!"

His green eyes twinkled with mischief. "What if the bogeyman jumped at you from behind?" He grinned impishly. "And starts poking you?" Michael teased, jabbing a finger in my side.

I flinched, pushing his hand away in part-indignation part-fear. "Don't jinx it!" I tried to avoid his next poke but he tickled my arm instead, chortling at my childish fear of monsters under my bed. "What if the bogeyman really comes and kidnaps us before cooking us for supper with carrot stew like Jacob said? It'll be all your fault!"

Michael chuckled in response. "I can't believe you still think bogeymen exist! Kai, you're 8 already! Not 5!"

I blushed, turning away so he wouldn't catch the high color across my cheeks and the embarrassment in my expression. "But I'm really cold." I whined.

Michael's face softened before his hands went towards the hem of his sweater. Wordlessly, he tugged it off, static crackling and making his tousled blond hair stick up at the ends. He held the sweater out at me. "Here. Wear mine."

I stared at it in surprise. "B-But --"

"If you want to freeze ..." He teased. I glared at him for a second before snatching the sweater from his hand indignantly, wearing it over my head. He watched me with a faint smile as I smoothed down my hair.

It smelled just like him, sweet scent cinnamon. It was also warm and soft. "Thank you --" I stopped short when Michael wrapped his arms around me, laying his head atop of mine. "What?" I tensed up.

"I'm sharing my body warmth." Michael said plainly, with a hint of something in his tone. "Sharing is caring."

"Oh Mikey."

Despite myself, I found a small smile growing on my lips. That was one of the many memories of Michael and I that made me smile. I usually thought about it whenever I was cold.

That was the Michael I liked better, not the notably smoking boy I saw with the most beautiful green eyes, luscious lips and striking features that made me feel breathless and flustered just by looking at me. It was just intimidating how much Michael had grown. 

I closed my eyes, exhaling a little. I missed the times we shared, those happy days when we could talk about basically anything, never get tired of playing with each other and able to make up immediately after a fight. I wanted to get all of that back.

But whenever I see him, it was like cutting myself over again. All the hurt, resentment and anger just tunneled my vision and I just wanted to shout and punch him in the face. I hated that he left me alone without saying goodbye.

Fuck what he quoted from Peter Pan. To hell with that! One does not leave a best friend without saying anything and let them suffer with a promise one did not keep. It was just unfair. And stupid.

My face started to warm, but it wasn't from the air. A familiar pressure could be felt from behind my eyes as I turned a corner, sneakers squeaking noisily.

How dare he tried to kiss me yesterday when he had a girlfriend! I held myself back from spitting out mental insults about Drew because I was in no place to have a say on who Michael dated. Besides, I wasn't his friend anymore! Why was I even caring anyway? He was none of my business. 

I bet he only wanted befriend me as a backup in case Drew was being unfaithful. The thought made me even more angrier.

There was loud thud before me about a few feet away that jarred me out of my reverie.

Startled, I stopped short in surprise when I saw somebody on the floor, his back against the cold school metal lockers. Hair fell to cover his face, and his chest was heaving heavily as if he had trouble breathing. I noticed his hands were clenched over where his heart should be, clawing.

My blood turned to ice, and I stared in stupefaction for a moment; my vehemence was temporarily blocked by the sight. Then I rushed forward in alarm. 

"Oh my god! What the fuck happened??" I blurted in agitation when he turned his face in my direction weakly.

I felt my own strength sap away from me abruptly, like a water faucet turned off. An icy fist of terror gripped my heart agonizingly, squeezing the air out of my lungs.

Finally a ragged voice tore jarringly out of my dried throat, a howl of blind panic, horror and distress.

"MIKEY!"

Tears found their way out my eyes at last.


	10. Chapter 10

The moment I saw the pain in his green eyes, it was as if somebody had severed me loose of my body. It felt like I had died, seeing him that way. I was barely aware of the blood rushing away from me abruptly like a tsunami, my damp cheeks and the pain that lanced through my knees when I dashed forward and landed with a thump beside him.

"Oh my god Mikey say something." My voice cracked audibly, clammy hands grabbing his with a startling amount of urgency. "What the - !!" A sob ripped its way out, a horrible sound. 

Michael simply stared at me with desperation. I started when I saw his eyes. The green was swallowed up by the pupils, dilated to the point where it looked like the green was an insignificant ring around the black. My heart was palpitating in my chest that would've probably caused a cardiac arrest but all of my worry was focused on him.

Michael's shirt, which was a white The 1975 t-shirt, was drenched with sweat. His fingers tightened on my hand like a reflex, gripping so hard I almost cried out in pain had it not for the desperation that glittered in his eyes that stopped me from doing so.

I was way past the point of speaking. "Mikey don't - don't die on me." I whimpered shakily, burying my face in his neck. His harsh heavy breathing slowed slightly and his free arm wrapped around me.

"Get help ..." He wheezed against me. "Please ... Kai --"

"What the hell is happening here?!?!?" Somebody demanded from behind me before I was wrenched away from Mikey. His fingers gripped mine before suddenly releasing and I cried out in surprise.

A jolt lanced up my spine the moment I stumbled onto the floor, too shocked by what was happening. Vaguely, I realized a group of students gathered around Michael, murmuring worriedly amongst themselves. A teacher was trying to help Michael up but it looked like he was in so much pain. Suddenly through my eyes by my muddled mind, it appeared as if they were trying to hurt him.

As if in a dream, I found myself stumbling to my feet, snarling at those people to shove off when a strong hand grabbed my arm, gripping tightly. 

I cried in pain. "OW WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM??" I snapped wildly, whipping around.

Steady blue eyes blazing with bright intensity stared back at me. "Kaitlyn, no." He said in an admonishing tone. "Just leave him be."

My voice died down in my throat as I regarded him with utter incredulity. I glanced over my shoulder, seeing Calum helping Michael up as the teacher barked out instructions at the students. A wave of anger erupted from me. 

"How could you say that Luke?" I demanded irately, trying to jerk my arm away but it only made my shoulder smart from the effort. "And let go of me!" I yelled and almost resolved to bringing my foot down on his.

Struggling against his ironlike grip and knowing I couldn't break free, I began to drag him, my mind bent on going to wherever Michael was being brought to. "I can't let them hurt Michael!" My voice rose hysterically, cracking. "I-I have to make sure he's ok --"

"Kaitlyn Redford." The teacher stopped in front of me, glaring me down. With a start, I just remembered he, Mr O'Neil, was my Geography teacher, the subject I was unfailingly horrible at.

I ceased struggling immediately just as Luke released, a hot blush spreading across my cheeks like a bushfire. "S-Sir I - Is Michael - I have to --" I stammered in fright, stumbling ungracefully over words.

I rubbed my sore arm ruefully and regarded Mr O'Neil timidly. "Sir, I'll just be on my way to follow --"

"No." The teacher's authoritative voice froze me in my tracks. "Ms Redford, please return to your respective lesson. Mr Clifford is in good hands."

No! He's not! He needs me! I wanted to shout but bit it back, thinking about how stupid it sounded. "Alright." I said instead, and swallowed down the bubbling disappointment.

*

"Whoa what's with the long face?" Jacob asked, looking at me from the frames of his Ray-Bans. His well tanned arms gleamed in the sun with a coppery glow when crossed his arms to smile in amusement.

I rolled my eyes at him, plopping down on the shotgun seat. 

The interior of the car had a faint scent of smoke to it, even though my brothers never smoked, mixed with the smell of old leather. R&B was playing over the stereo.

"Jake drive me to the hospital now." I said and Jacob started, staring at me with astonishment.

"Why?" He asked in a flabbergasted manner. "Is something wrong?" He began worriedly, emerald green eyes scanning me like lasers.

I bit my lip, the repressed urge of wanting to cry bubbling back to the surface. "Michael." My throat dried up at the memory of him whispering pleadingly into my ear, Michael's voice tight with pain. After a heartbeat's worth of hesitation, I told Jacob about what had happened and why I needed to get to the hospital right away.

"Alright then." Jacob nodded, focused on the road with a serious face on, which he rarely assumes. "But first, I just gotta let you know hospital food tastes like crap."

*

I hated hospitals. The walls always came in arctic white, pale icy blue or light gray. It had the strong sterile scent of lemony antiseptic that covered the stench of sickness and death. It was always cold and everyone had way too serious faces on.

I shivered involuntarily, ducking my head as I passed by a patient walking along with crutches muttering the names of his medications under his breath. "Are you coming Jacob?" I turned to look at my brother but he was busy striking up a conversation with the young lady nurses.

Making a disgusted sound, I walked up to the counter. 

"Excuse me." I cleared my throat, shifting the paper bag I was holding in my free hand uncomfortably.

The receptionist looked up at me from her Candy Crush game irritably. "Yes?"

"I'm here to see Michael Clifford." I said but it sounded more like a question.

The receptionist took off her glasses and regarded me critically. "Are you his relative?"

"Um, well." I trailed off, glancing furtively over my shoulder. "Listen, this is a really urgent matter --"

"Look." She interrupted. "I'm sorry. But if you aren't his relative, I'm afraid I can't tell you his ward number."

I bit back a scream of frustration and the urge to punch her in the face. "Well, ok then." I said with mock patience and stalked off, cursing aloud in my mind.

I was so pissed I hadn't realized I nearly walked into a middle-aged couple. I stopped short with a start in confusion before apologizing profusely. "I'm sorry I didn't --"

"Kaitlyn?" The woman goggled at me, her blue eyes widening. She had straight fair hair and a pleasant open sort of expression. Her husband was this stout and balding man with familiar laughing green eyes.

I blinked for a second. "Mr and Mrs Clifford?" I ventured shyly and they laughed at once, making a small blush spread across my cheeks. Instantly my mood lifted seeing them here and noticing they were still as affable since the last time I saw them.

"Oh Kaitlyn dear, you can call us Karen and Daryl even if it's been years since we've seen each other!" Mrs Clifford, Karen, exclaimed. "Oh my, look at how you've grown!"

I chuckled nervously in reply, unable to say anything. My heart ached a little seeing Michael's parents, regretting because I had always blamed them for taking Michael away from me. They were just so nice to me, it was hard to hold a grudge against them now.

Mr Clifford, Daryl, grinned, his lips curving the same way Michael's did. "I guess little Mikey wasn't joking when he said you were quite --"

"Honey!" Karen chided disapprovingly but turned to smile at me. "It's Mikey's secret between us only! He made us promise not to tell anyone, remember?"

"Oh right." Daryl said sheepishly. "Sorry. Ah I'm getting old and I keep forgetting things. Did you know that only yesterday I remembered Mikey's 16?"

Did Michael also tell you that he's dating the sluttiest girl in school? Did he tell you that he left without saying anything to me years ago? Did he?

I bit my lip and smiled shyly. "How have you two been?"

"Oh we've been quite alright." Karen said, reaching out to hold my free hand which wasn't holding the paper bag and patted it. "Are you here to see Mikey?"

I nodded. "I heard he had some sort of ... episode earlier today at school." I tried to ignore the stab of guilt at that tiny lie. "Is he ok?" I asked, which felt, in a way, stupid.

Of course Michael's not alright, he's in the darn hospital for God's sake Kaitlyn! I chided inwardly. 

Luckily they didn't find it a silly question. "Oh he's holding up fine in the ward." Daryl reassured and I felt the knot of tension that had been building up in my chest unwind. "Better than the last time, actually."

I frowned. There was a history of Michael having those ... problems?

"At any rate." Karen began. "He's been doing much better with his anxiety attacks, don't you worry." She affirmed.

"Oh. Alright then." I exhaled, before realizing I was actually relieved.

"Would you like to see him?" Karen asked, cocking her head slightly to the side.

My heart leapt with incredulity for a moment, lips parting a little. I closed my mouth, pressing them into a thin line before nodding. "Yes please."

*

As we walked down the corridors, I craned my head around, trying to catch the sight of my parents here. Their shift was still on, but I wasn't sure if they were here. My dad was a pediatrist and my mom's the head nurse but they were probably too busy to be walking in the same place as I was.

With a start, I nearly turned the wrong corner and stopped before hurrying the other way. Luckily Karen and Daryl weren't out of sight so I managed to catch up with them. They were no longer wearing the cheery attitude earlier and I could sense the parental worry lingering on their postures and the set of their shoulders.

"Michael's not in the private ward so I hope you're ok with that." Karen said over her shoulder, startling me.

"Um yea I'm alright." I responded absentmindedly before glancing down at the paper bag I was carrying.

We stopped just right before one of those rooms and Daryl opened the door for me. "Here you go. Last bed on the left." He provided just before I entered.

I nodded gratefully, giving them hugs before I steeled my nerves and walked in, trying to ignore the patients in the room.

It wasn't really filled but they were a couple of male patients, boys about my age, eyeing me up and down, with a sort of twinkle in their eyes, as I passed. Under normal circumstances, I would've flushed, kept my gaze downwards and hurried but my mind was focused on one person only.

Clenching the paper bag harder until it crinkled audibly, I walked faster towards the last bed on the right which was next to a window.

Michael was sitting on the bed, the arctic white sheets, walls and lights washing out the color in his fair hair. Sunlight streamed in through the large windows but it only made his skin look even paler.

I hesitated momentarily at the sight, cheeks flaring with warmth and lips parted slightly. 

He was shirtless, staring intently at his phone, his shaggy hair in an endearing blond tousled mess. Michael was hooked up to a heart monitor, which was beeping constantly.

Get a hold of yourself. I admonished inwardly when he looked up in my direction. It was like all noise had faded into a blur and all I heard was my blood roaring in my eras and my heart thumping palpably. 

I was vaguely aware of the jump in the machine beeps and without thinking, I rushed forward before throwing my arms around him.

He made a startled noise, reflexively wrapping his arms around me in surprise as I buried my face into his crook between his shoulder and neck, sobbing with relief. The scent of cinnamon filled my senses, lulling the aching tension that had been building up earlier. He was so warm, his heartbeat hammering fast against my fingertips on his chest.

"K-Kaitlyn." He sounded bewildered, patting me awkwardly.

I drew away to look at him, taking in his appearance. "I-I thought you were going to die." I sobbed, feeling my cheeks moisten from tears. "You made me so worried --"

"Shh." Michael urged with a small smile in his expression. "What matters here is that we're both ok."

I bit my lip and hugged him one more time, relishing this golden moment before it faded away.


	11. Chapter 11

I didn't know which one of us drew away first but I remembered Michael biting his lip hesitantly, looking up at me with faint disbelief. His hands were on my waist, and when he moved them away, I could still feel the pressure on them, like a ghost.

I decided to ignore that I was in between his legs when I hugged him, telling myself some stuff were better off unnoticed. With warmed cheeks, I held out the now crumpled paper bag shyly. 

"I-I got this for you." I said, flushing even more at how absurd the statement sounded. "It's blueberry muffin and mocha coffee. I heard hospital food's like ... well crap and the coffee tastes like ashy feet." I rambled uncertainly, frowning a bit at his placid and distant features. 

Shouldn't girlfriends be doing this stuff for him? Like why was I suddenly feeling worried for him? Wasn't it only yesterday I had pushed him away in bitterness and vowed never to let him in? 

However the thought of Drew bringing food for him made my stomach roll mutinously so I resolved not to dwell on it.

"Oh, thank you." He mumbled, not looking at me as he set the paper bag on the stand beside him.

My heart shrank. I wiped away my drying tears and began, "I was so worried about you." I said, my voice cracking. "What happened Michael?"

For a millisecond, I saw a vulnerable expression in his distant eyes before it evaporated like mist. My heart skipped a beat with alarm when his face tightened.

"Kai, I think you should go." His drawl sounded purposely clipped. "Please."

I regarded him with pure astonishment and utter incredulity. Wasn't it only just now that he had held me, smiling with apparent relief? Wasn't it just now that he had said that all that mattered was that we're both ok.

It was as if Michael had slapped me with a fish.

"Why?" I squeaked before realized it sounded more like a whine. "B-But aren't you ..." My voice failed me as I tried to speak the words.

... glad to see me? That I'm actually here for you on my own volition?

Michael bit his lower lip, averting his gaze. "You'll only make it worse."

I sucked in a startled breath as my heart shrank painfully in my chest upon hearing that. Backing away with momentarily, I regarded him indignantly. 

"What do you mean by that?" I demanded, a little too sharply than I intended, and Michael flinched.

He shook his head. "I'm sorry, it's just --" Michael drew a shaky breath. "I don't know how to explain --"

Whatever he wanted to say was lost when he broke off abruptly. Michael's body stiffened upwards, green eyes now flickering with focus, and I saw his expression change.

"Michael!" A high-pitched nasal voice called out from behind me, followed by the noise of heels clacking against the floor.

Oh for the love of God ...! I groaned and cursed silently, squeezing my eyes shut before backing away from Michael as the steps got louder and louder. A swell of hurt arose in my chest when my heart constricted.

"Alright then." I said, swallowing past the pain and dropping my gaze to my black Converse shoes. "Well, it was nice talking to you." There was a familiar pressure against the backs of my eyes and I knew I was about to cry.

I didn't stick around to see his reaction or hear what he wanted to say. Turning on my heel, I walked away from Michael as Drew stopped before me, glaring vehemently.

"You." She growled.

I kept my eyes down. "Hey." I mumbled.

I heard Drew sigh with disgust when her finger flicked my chin upwards, forcing me to look into her perfectly dolled-up hazel eyes. Her strong-smelling rose perfume was so nauseating I had to resist the urge to gag in her face.

Drew was pretty, no doubt, but I knew when people looked at her, they mistaken beauty for innocence.

I didn't even know why boys liked her. Why couldn't they see that behind her masked a nasty personality? What was Michael even thinking when he decided to date her. The idea of him being with this witch before me simply because of her appearance sickened me to my toes.

I swallowed back my tears, staring at her vehemence with my blazing defiance. She wavered for a moment before resuming spiteful hard look.

"I told you to stay away from him, bitch." Drew hissed angrily.

I simply kept my mouth shut.

"Drew, I didn't expect you to arrive so quickly." Michael called out from behind, his raspy voice now smoothed with amusement. Somehow he spared me from Drew's potential bitchy remarks but I wasn't grateful. Anger was still pounding in my veins.

Drew's eyes looked past me, her features shaping into that cheerful expression that boys always fell for. "Of course I'd be here!" Glancing at me with displeasure, she walked past, purposely stepping on my toes with her platform heels.

I bit my lip from crying out, my foot throbbing achingly. 

"I'm your girlfriend!" Drew added. 

I turned to glare at her indignantly but saw Michael standing up and wrapping his arms around him.

Flinching away was too little too late because the sight of Drew kissing him had already flashed before me like lightning. Starbursts of pain had exploded in my chest, knocking the breath out of my lungs.

I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood and turned on my heels, running for the doors as tears rolled down my face.

*

Running down the hospital corridors was not a good idea and a couple of the staff shouted at me to stop but I kept my pace, wanting to get away from what had happened just now.

Finally I slowed to a stop, my energy had exhausted so much quicker than I expected. Wiping my tears away in frustration, I felt outraged. 

What was the point of coming here anyway, to a place I hated, only to be sent away?

What the hell was up with Michael? He was happy enough seeing me but his face had changed so quickly that he didn't give me a chance to react. How was I in any way making his health worse?

I was seething so angrily that I hadn't realized I nearly walked into someone. "Sorry!" I squeaked, half-glaring at whoever in was indignantly when the person replied.

"Kaitlyn?"

My lips parted with surprise as curious hazel eyes ringed by a circle of green stared back at me.

The person before me was about 6 feet at least, his sandy longish tousled hair held back by a bright red bandana. He had arms like a drummer's, muscle-y and ripped. There was a faint trace of stubble across his face, which sported a strong jawline.

"Ashton?" I tried and he smiled, showing off the cutest dimples.

"Kaitlyn!" Ashton exclaimed cheerfully. "I was afraid you wouldn't recognize me!" 

Dressed in a blue t-shirt that read Pugs not Drugs, I noticed the sleeves were straining against his biceps, and regular jeans with a pair of sneakers and that bandana on his head, Ashton appeared like the type dude who just liked to chill in the sun and have carefree fun.

Despite myself, I found a smile curving the corners of my mouth upwards. "Yea how have you been?"

"Oh I'm great." Ashton giggled before he spread his arms. Grinning, he said "Hugs? Y'know, since handshakes are boring."

I hesitated for a moment before relenting. He smelled strongly of aftershave. "What are you doing here?" I asked once I drew back. 

He opened his mouth to speak but a voice called out indignantly. "ASHTON IRWIN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR US!"

I looked past his shoulder as Ashton turned, catching the sight of Luke and Calum running up towards him.

Calum was frowning and Luke seemed to be busy working through a granola bar as they jogged. Ashton laughed nervously and shrugged in reply. 

Calum began to speak in his usual animated babble. "Do you even know where's --" He broke off and beamed at me. "Oh hi there Kaitlyn!" His thick mop of dark hair looked as messy as always but for some reason, it worked for him. He was wearing a Simple Plan tank top.

Beside Calum, Luke waved his hand at me. "Sup Kaitlyn." He grinned, lip ring flashing in the light. His blond hair was styled up in a quiff, bright blue eyes regarding me affably. Luke was fidgeting with the hem of his black t-shirt with a minimalist design of a threadbare teddy.

I nodded at both of them. "Hey." I said weakly, now knowing why they were here at the hospital without even having to ask. A small pang of wistful sadness and envy bubbled in my chest.

They were here to see Michael.

And Michael probably wouldn't push them away, act all distant, or say that they were making his situation worse, whatever that shit meant.

Calum's brows knitted themselves together when he leaned closer to me. I felt myself blush. "What?" I mumbled defensively, backing slightly.

"Have you been crying?" Calum asked abruptly. "Coz your eyes are red."

Luke and Ashton smacked his shoulder at once in admonishment. "Cal!" Luke patronized. 

I bit my lip. "I'm - I wasn't crying."

"Then?" Calum asked worriedly, sticking his lower lip. "Did something happen just now?"

"Calum, don't be nosy." Ashton sighed and rolled his eyes.

"No." I lied, ignoring the stab of guilt. Calum's round dark eyes made it hard for me to resist the urge to spill. "I've just been really tired lately."

"Oh. Ok." Calum nodded. "Just get some rest, ok?"

Luke regarded me equably. "Um are you here to see Michael too?" He asked before flushing. I felt myself do so too, since we both knew that I had tried to follow Michael.

"Nope." I lied again.

"Are you sure?" Ashton blurted in surprise. "Coz I think Mikey would be happy to see you."

I squeezed my eyes shut in silent protest, the pain in my chest once again flaring up. "Ashton, please don't --"

My phone began to ring and vibrate in my pocket against my thigh as if on cue. "Oh I think my brother's calling me. Sorry I have to go." I said and walked away quickly.

Honestly, part of the reason I didn't want to stick around and talk to them a little longer was because they reminded me too much of my past. My childhood. Swallowing back the hurt, I answered the call.

"Hello?"

"Kaitlyn, are you finished ogling Michael?" Jacob's voice replied irritably. "I've been waiting for half an hour. I'm gonna be late for the season finale of Game of Thrones!" He complained.

I sighed in slight exasperation. Despite everything, Jacob still had that obsessive fanboy disposition that demanded geeky shows to be put first before others.

"C'mon just let me watch Spiderman." Michael shoved me in irritation when I threw a popcorn in his direction. It was just cute how he could get so absorbed in his tv show so easily, the way those wide green eyes focused on the screen.

I giggled, laying my head on his shoulder. "I think Harry Osborne's cute." I remarked, earning a flabbergasted splutter from him.

"But Harry's a bad guy!" Michael protested. "He's not cute!"

"Yes he is." I smirked at him upon seeing the small indignant blush on his features. "I like his curly brown hair."

Michael, who had blonde hair, scowled, possibly envious. "Kai, you're only 8! You shouldn't be noticing boys! And Harry's an adult. He's off-limits!"

"Hmph." I rolled my eyes. "I only said he's cute. I didn't say anything about noticing him."

"Spiderman's cooler and probably cuter. And he's gonna whip Harry's butt and save Mary Jane." Michael grunted.

I shook my head to dispel the memory. Thinking about it made my temples throb and I had enough of thinking about what Michael and I used to have. "Yea. Ok. I'll meet you at the parking lot." I answered before hanging up the call.


	12. Chapter 12

I've had a shitty week, and I wasn't gonna deny that anytime soon. Well ok, a horribly shitty start to a week that would've went amazing had it not been that Michael pushed me away after I tried to do what a real friend would do (was I trying too hard?) and let Drew kiss him with her gloss-slathered lips (how could Michael - or anyone really - get turned on at the loud slurping sounds she made when she kissed?).

The whole memory was playing over and over again in my head, making it awfully hard for me forget the whole thing.

It had hurt, a lot, seeing both Michael and Drew together, like an actual couple, making out and stuff without a care.

Not that I resented the relationship I had with Perry or felt that it wasn't really complete. I liked the pace we were taking, slow and steady, not doing anything we weren't comfortable with or forcing the other person on something they wouldn't want to do.

The incident at the hospital had caused a bubble of jealousy to percolate in my chest. I also kept thinking that I should've said Don't you know better than to date Drew? to Michael when the news broke out.

I decided to focus on the good things this morning.

My brothers, no matter what time of the day or year, they simply looked perfect. They didn't even have to try. Liam had his hands on the steering wheel, clear blue eyes the color of twilight on the road, the lean muscles in his perfectly tanned arms at ease and his long slender fingers tapping to the beat of Pillowtalk by Zayn Malik.

R&B really wasn't my thing but Zayn's ethereal notes and the beat of the music made the song catchy in a way.

I've seen the pain, seen the pleasure. 

I glanced at the side mirror, caught myself and winced away from reflection. I hadn't always done that but today, I looked extra horrible. There were dark crescents under my golden eyes, a haggard look to my features and my lips appeared chapped and bitten. My hair even seemed dull today. 

My heart shrank ruefully.

My enemy.  
My ally.

All thoughts proceeded towards Michael when I shook my head at once before I could start seething in silence or cry quietly to myself.

"So Mom's gonna be home in the afternoon." Liam informed.

"Yes I think you've mentioned that earlier." I replied, fighting past the twinge of annoyance. "Like about 2 minutes ago."

"I did?" Liam frowned in bafflement. Apparently he was a little forgetful at times and there had been one time when we, Adam, Liam and I, were supposed to pull a prank on Jacob as payback when he accidentally spilled it out. 

"Oh I guess I did." He shrugged.

"How would you feel if someone you really care about pushed you away simply because they say that you'll only make it worse?" I asked distantly.

Liam blinked once. "Um is this about Michael?"

I started violently, knees banging against the glove compartment. Rubbing my knees ruefully, I blushed. "What? No!" My voice shot embarrassingly up a few octaves. "Not at all."

"Because I remembered you told me about this last night." Liam added as an afterthought.

I sighed and stared out the window. "I'm just asking it from a general perspective."

"Well," His brows furrowed. "I dunno. I guess it'd hurt a it first but I'm sure they have their reasons behind it. I'd give them some space. Not only because they need time to be alone but also for your own sake. So, y'know, you don't get hurt in their healing process. Get what I mean?"

That made sense. I bit my lip in contemplation as Liam's car neared my school compound. 

No Liam. I don't. I replied inwardly because the fact that Michael wanted us so badly to be friends and yet still pushed me away was a terrible conundrum.

*

I hurried down the school hallways once the period before lunch was over, keeping near the walls as I made my way to the cafeteria. The flow of students here wasn't as stifling as being in the middle of the corridor and the chances of accidental, and possibly, awkward chance bump-ins with Michael was considerably low.

Relieved that I hadn't met the said person, I walked up to the corner table where my friends sat around before noticing there were 2 new people, whose backs were facing me, joining them. 

Frowning in confusion a little, I slid in beside Perry. "Hey guys, sorry I'm late. You would not believe the traffic." I mumbled when one of the new people at the table spoke up.

"Hi Kaitlyn!" It was a dark curly-haired boy with twinkling coffee brown eyes who spoke, his grin crinkling the corners of his eyes. "Remember me? I'm Calum Hood, from Geography class with you. And we met at the hospital the other day."

I laughed in recognition, nodding. "Of course I'd remember you."

Calum was one of Michael's childhood friends so it wasn't as if I didn't know him or whatever.

The blond hair boy with bright blue eyes beside Calum elbowed him chidingly. His lip ring gleamed in the light as he spoke "Calum that was a silly question."

"This here's Luke." Perry gestured at him. "Luke Hemmings."

"I know." I said and Perry's brows came together, his lips puckered.

"Wow so how do you know each other?" Perry asked, hazel eyes swirling dark and his tone taking on an irritable note. I winced inwardly and caught Wendy and Cilan tense in anticipation.

From my boyfriend's expression, he was suspicious.

"Mutual friends." I replied after a moment. "We met through my cousin, Ashton Irwin." It wasn't really true since Ashton really was my cousin, few times removed, but at the same time not technically a lie. 

Perry's eyebrows shot up in askance.

"Great hair, terrible perfectionist." Luke added to placate Perry, throwing in a shudder. "You would not believe how OCD he is when he's cutting up his t-shirts in an effort to be punk rock."

"Yea he actually draws the holes in chalk before snipping them off with Garfield safety scissors." Calum chimed in enthusiastically.

Cilan spluttered incredulously. "How can anyone cut up clothes with those??"

"Ashton has an unnatural fear for sharp metal objects." Luke explained. "And ducks."

"Nice." Perry said and I risked a glance at him but his dark expression was gone, leaving behind a sunny smile. "So if I wave a butter knife near him ..."

"You might wanna try needles." Calum suggested.

"Why are you guys here?" I asked and realized it sounded bluntly rude. "Don't you guys usually hang out with Michael or something?"

Calum and Luke shrugged, both their eyebrows furrowed and pouts forming on their faces. "Ah well." Luke mumbled, fidgeting with his long fingers.

"Funny you should ask." Calum chewed the insides of his mouth. The jokey mood at the table plummeted towards an awkward silence.

On cue, Michael and Drew passed by us. Drew, laughing, had her arm snaked around his waist and Michael was smirking at her as they headed towards the cafeteria exit.

Oh great. I stared despondently in their direction. They're going off somewhere to have sex.

The idea of people doing the dirty made my cheeks flame with embarrassment but the notion of both Drew and Michael doing it sickened me. One look at my food, a serving of spaghetti and meatballs with a slice of chocolate cake beside it and an orange juice box, and I lost my appetite immediately. 

I pushed my tray towards the center of the table and stood up, feeling sick and spiteful. "I'm not hungry."

My friends, and Luke and Calum, frowned incredulously at me. "But you haven't even touched your lunch." Cilan protested, who was an avid food evangelist. "You need a bit more calories to last till din-din."

"I'll finish it off." Perry suggested, shooting me a glance that had concern and wariness painted in them. My heart constricted. I never meant to make him suspicious.

Wordlessly, I left the cafeteria and trudged down the school hallway, trying to forget the way Perry looked at me as if I was a different person and awful it felt to have seen Drew and Michael necking each other and know what would happen next.

*

It wasn't difficult to find an empty classroom during lunch. Nobody stayed inside; they were either having lunch at the cafeteria or sleeping it off at the library. However it wasn't just any empty classroom I entered to mope: it was the music room.

It was roughly the same size as a regular classroom, perhaps slightly larger. There was a closet stuffed in one corner of the room, seemingly dwarfed surrounded by percussion instruments, brass trumpets, keyboards, guitar stands and a couple of amplifiers.

Posters of musical notes and famous composers were stuck on the walls, looking both tacky but interesting at the same time. There was a round table in the center of the room and chairs lying around when I entered.

It was endearingly messy but familiar. I had spent time here with my brothers before they graduated. They didn't play but they loved that there were instruments they could try practicing on (horribly, if I might add) and sing in off-key tunes without anyone caring. 

I noticed somebody had left their guitar here on the table as it did not have the school emblem sticker on it but I decided to ignore it anyway. 

I smiled as I pushed the chairs in one by one when my ears caught a noise floating down the hallways through the open door. Whipping up, I strained my ears again. My heart began to hammer as I realized who it was.

"Shit." I cursed under my breath, stumbling back as the footsteps and voices neared when a sudden thought seized me.

Hide in the closet.

It was a stupid idea, one I'd come to regret later but at the moment, I was too busy panicking. Throwing the closet door opened, I pushed the box of old microphones and wires onto the floor and clambered in, pulling it shut and trying not to sneeze aloud. 

I held my breath once I heard the music room door clicked and locked shut, followed by voices I recognized.

"Oh please Michael?" A high-pitched female nasal voice pleaded.

"Alright Drew I'll do it then." Another voice, male, replied. "For you babe."

My gut twisted itself in disgust and I resisted the urge to gag aloud.

Of all the places! 

Great now I have to spend the whole lunch listening to these two do Marvin Gaye and get it on. I cringed, skin prickling with an unpleasant tingly sensation. How convenient, Wilkins and Clifford!

I was glad I didn't have lunch or it would've said goodbye here and now. 

"Sorry if I'm not really good." I heard Michael say, followed by a thump.

"Oh I won't mind." Drew purred in reply.

I braced myself against the back of the closet and shut my palms over my ears. But whatever sound I had expected to drift past into the thin walls of the closet door didn't come and instead I heard strumming followed by a melodious voice singing.

I froze, stunned by wonderment as I listened to the passionate voice harmonizing words I didn't quite catch when it rose into a crescendo.

"She's imperfect but she tries  
She is good but she lies  
She is hard on herself  
She is broken and won't ask for help  
She is messy but she's kind  
She is lonely most of the time  
She is all of this mixed up  
And baked in a beautiful pie  
She is gone but she used to be mine ..."

The rest of the words were a blur but only that part actually made something within me stir; and I wasn't sure if it was good or bad. When the song was over and the passionate voice stopped singing, my hands went to my face and came away wet.

There was a silence when Drew spoke up. "But I'm not imperfect nor do I have to try." 

What an airhead.

I deduced her position and glared at it.

"Er you see," Michael began with a hint of anxiety. "I'm not really good and that's the only song I could play. Actually." Something about his tone hinted a lie.

"Oh."

An awkward silence. My body was starting to cramp up and it was getting really uncomfortable. I wished they'd hurry up but I was stuck here.

"Michael, can we do something?"

"Yea?"

"I think we've waited enough for this."

Horror jarred its way through my limbs and I found myself cringing abruptly. And this of course, made a loud sound. My breath caught and I heard Drew whimper.

Footsteps approached and somebody threw the door open. Light blinded me momentarily when my eyes focused on the silhouette before me.

Michael was staring at me, his green eyes flashing with irritation, recognition, shock before cool indifference. "And what ... do you think you're doing here?" He was stonily furious.


	13. Chapter 13

I stared up at Michael, cheeks flaming in embarrassment and lips parted. I tried to speak but the words only got caught in my throat.

Michael was glaring at me, his mouth pressed into a thin disapproving line and his eyes blazing with green fury. "I'm only going to ask this one last time." His voice clipped off at every word.

My heart was striking against my ribcage with such intensity and speed that it could be felt all the way to my toes. I could feel myself breaking under his weight of Michael's gaze, how it set me on fire. "I --" My voice failed me once again.

Behind him Drew was staring at me, pale-faced with abject horror and revulsion. Slowly, she raised her finger at me and snarled "You!"

I winced back against the closet as Drew stomped her way across the room, her features tight with fury. "I told you to stay away from him you fucking slut --"

My face whipped away and I shook with fear, throwing my hands over my face to protect myself from her rage. Part of me knew this was futile and I was sure Michael wasn't gonna do anything about it since I basically ruined their intimate like the bitch I was.

"Drew!" A booming voice exclaimed admonishingly and I heard Drew's string of unprintable nastiness splutter to a stop. I opened my eyes a little, taking in the scene through narrowed slits.

Michael had his arms around Drew who was still glaring at me ferociously in outrage over his shoulder. "Drew don't. I'll take it from here, babe."

His pale arms were rigid as he held her from hurling herself at me, his heels firmly planted on the floor as Drew struggled before pushing him off. "Stupid ugly bitch. You deserve to rot in hell!" Drew spat at me.

I bit my lip and averted my gaze to the ground. 

With one last vehement evil-eye she stalked off, slamming the door behind her. The silence began to deafen me.

Michael, with his back facing me, let the tension go from his posture as he sighed, running fingers through his fair hair in agitation. Vaguely, I wondered why he wore so many bracelets on his hand.

He swore under his breath with great intensity, placing his hands on his hips. "Kaitlyn, what the hell were you doing?" Michael asked in a deadly quiet tone, still mot facing me.

Timidly, I stepped out of the closet, my face burning with shame. "I-I dunno." I flinched at how stupid that sounded and guessed it was way worse to Michael's ears.

Then he whipped around, a great scowl twisting his handsome features that suddenly made me afraid of him. His expression wasn't familiar, he never wore that back when we were kids, and suddenly it was as if I was looking at a malevolent face of a stranger. "What were you thinking?" He demanded with asperity. "Were you spying on us??"

My lips parted with shock when a wave of annoyance forced the words out of me. "No I just happened to magically teleported myself so that I could see the both of you fuck!" I snapped.

His eyes widened fractionally and he staggered for a bit. "W-We weren't gonna fuck." Michael muttered, cheeks turning a high shade of red.

I glared at him angrily. "Oh sure!" I mimicked the tone he took earlier, packing as much sarcasm in them. "Of course you weren't gonna fuck. That's too bad because I've heard she's really good at it!"

His eyes flitted back towards mine, this time fury making them blaze. "Don't you dare - ! You take that back!" He snarled, his whole body shaking uncontrollably.

I shook my head with disgust. I wasn't gonna take it back because it was true. Besides, Michael should've considered that before he hopped onto that boat with Drew! 

"I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time." I said sharply. "Next time give me a heads-up before you plan to have any secret rendezvous with your girlfriend!" I spat vehemently.

Michael's face was tight with bottled rage that I was sure he might explode on me all at once but at that moment, I couldn't care. I wanted to hurt him where it hurt most and that was by insulting him and his bitchy slut girlfriend. 

"You - You have no business in my relationships!" He shouted irately at me, veins bulging at the temples.

I crossed my arms and scowled disbelievingly at him. "Don't you know better?? She's just gonna use you and hurt you in the end. She's just dating you because you have the looks, the charm and probably just for sex! She won't love you!"

"This isn't about love!" Michael shot back. "Who the fuck would love me anyway if they knew what I did?" He growled bitterly. "Besides, I don't see why I shouldn't date her, even if she just wants me for the sex!"

I stared at him in incredulity. What did he mean?

"So you admit it." I said quietly and his gaze widened. "You're both just literally fucking around and not being serious."

"So?" He scowled. "What's it to you?"

I closed my eyes and contemplated to myself. What's it to me? So what if people didn't actually have feelings for each other and dated anyway? The image of Perry's jubilant features flashed before my eyes.

No. I thought to myself. I love Perry. But my heart constricted.

"That's wrong." I whispered.

"What?"

"That's wrong." I said louder. "You get into a relationship because you love the other person."

Michael scoffed. "Since when were you a dating expert?" He sneered at me, a truly contemptuous expression highlighted by green eyes that was bright with poison. "Who told you that in a relationship, both parties should love each other?"

My chest ached with a wistful sadness, the kind you'd feel when you remembered someone dearly you've lost. And I've lost Michael, a long time ago. But I was never ready to accept that till now. 

"You did." I replied quietly and he blanched.

"N-No I didn't." Michael stammered with wide eyes. I knew he was lying. I could see it in his actions; he was biting his lip, averting his gaze and fidgeting with his bracelets. Deep down, I knew he still remembered that conversation we had a lifetime ago.

"I think Danny likes Anne." Michael remarked, his expression alight with excitement as he leaned in to whisper in a conspiratorial manner. He glanced once at his lion doll and my bunny doll. "He told me last night."

I rolled my eyes at him, frowning. "Are you sure? Because last time you said that Danny --"

"Shh!" He closed a hand over my mouth. "Danny has a surprise for Anne. Don't ruin it!" He hissed under his breath.

"What's he gonna do?" I inquired quietly, my soft tone belying the excited curiosity I felt.

"He's gonna ask her to be his girlfriend." He replied with a gleam to his green eyes.

"Why?" I frowned, and he deadpanned.

"You kidding?" Michael sighed with disbelief. "When someone loves someone, they would ask the person to be with them."

"But Danny and Anne spend time with each other everyday just like you and me." I said in bafflement.

Michael's ears went bright red. "Well, I-I dunno." He stammered, averting his gaze. "It's called relationship. You love the other person and they love you so you both decide to make it official and let the whole world know."

At my stupefied expression, Michael made an impatient noise and threw his hands up in exasperation. 

"That's what I think!" He protested. "Don't look at me like that, I don't know how to explain it but I think you should have feelings for the other person before actually asking."

"I get it." I laughed at his annoyance. "Well, Danny shouldn't worry about Anne saying no because Anne loves him too."

Michael's lips curled upwards but he said nothing, save for his eyes which danced with a happy light when he looked at me.

"I know what you're thinking." I said, trying to catch his gaze. "And there's no use in saying that you're not lying or you can't remember."

Michael bit his lip but said nothing. After a brief silence, he ran fingers through his hair again and looked up at me.

I felt a jolt of alarm.

His green eyes were empty, devoid of emotion. "You're an idiot if you still believe that." He said, uninflected.

My lips parted with surprise.

"How could kids know anything of love anyway?" He said and this time his smooth tone cracked. "All they think that love's about playing silly dolls together and making them kiss and live happily ever after."

"Don't say that." I shook my head, walking towards him. He didn't move but his eyes followed mine as I approached him. Tentatively, I raised my hands to his face and cupped his cheeks, feeling the scratch of his stubble against my palms.

His body stiffened, eyes wide with astonishment before fluttering half-closed.

"You know that isn't true." I murmured breathily, losing myself to the greens of his irises.

Michael's eyes shone with a strange light and I realized he was about to cry. I never thought that I'd be able to touch him again, without feeling a sense of anger and resentment or the urge to slap him. All I felt now was a strange stirring in the pit of my stomach, an odd sensation that pooled over my senses.

"You know what I believe?" Michael said softly, enveloping my hands with his. They were warm and callused and I saw his fingers ended broad and spatulate against my long slender ones. The sensation of our bare skin touching each other stope my breath away, sending little sparks to jump down my skin.

I glanced at him and saw a dark gaze surround his irises, reflecting me in his pupils. My heart hammered fast. "What?" I said breathily.

"That I've wanted to do this for the longest time." He responded in a thick tone that made shivers run down my spine.

I didn't have a moment to ponder what he meant because he had already leaned forwards and pressed his lips to mine.

My eyes widened, heart leaping up to my throat and my breath whisked away.

My first kiss. Stolen by the first boy who I had loved a lifetime ago.


	14. Chapter 14

As soon as Michael's lips touched mine, I heard myself gasp audibly and my whole body ignited at his touch. I should've pushed him away and yelled at him but in a moment of weakness, and something else, I felt my own strength leave my body and go limp against him.

My arms went around his neck, wrapping them for support as his hands traveled downwards, smoothing over the small of my back and pushing me towards him. The scent of cinnamon engulfed my senses, a strong heady musk.

His kisses were incredibly gentle, though I could feel how much he was holding himself back from the tremble of his chest on mine. My heart pulsed wildly against my ribcage and I found myself pulling him closer to deepen it, lips parting wider.

There was a hot feeling of desire percolating in my veins that made me want more than I should have, and holding it back was driving me to insanity. A strange tingly sensation developed at the pit of my stomach when he teased his tongue into me and a sweet taste exploded in my mouth, kissing me without holding himself back now that I've given him permission.

I moaned as he brought his teeth down on my lips and felt his smile. "Mikey." I protested softly against him and he released a low raspy groan.

I sensed him tense against me when I let my fingers curl in his blond hair, tugging in gently.

"Fuck. Kai." He murmured and drew his mouth away from mine. I nearly cried out in response, afraid that I had done something to break whatever was happening between us only to be relieved when his lips met the skin just below my ear on my neck.

The sensation was electrifying and the throbbing increased as I let out a small sound. Encouraged, Michael smiled and sucked it, licking while he was at it in slow circles.

I gasped, burying my face in his shoulder, wanting more of this sensual experience that made my head spin. "Please Mikey." I begged and he went lower and lower, past my collarbones and to my neckline. 

His green eyes fluttered upwards to mine, dark and half-lidded by those long blond lashes. "Please what?" A small smirk played across his lips, and that tingling in my stomach intensified. 

I was barely breathing, only in short desperate wanting pants. "Kiss me." I blurted out, my face burning the moment I said it.

I knew, in my mind, I shouldn't have said that, for I had a boyfriend. But looking at Michael, at that moment, my heart wanted nobody else but him and him only. I didn't know what caused me to be this way; was it a bad thing? Or a good thing? Was it the type of emotion that could raze everything to the ground or could raise everything up in glory?

The look in his beautiful gaze was dangerously enticing, enough to send me over the edge. His hands slipped under the hem of my t-shirt, fingers brushing my skin where goosebumps immediately prickled in response. Wordlessly, he slanted his mouth across mine, kissing me with intense passion that made me whimper against him, tugging his soft blond hair and causing him to release groans of pleasure of his own.

Suddenly a piercing noise erupted, presumably the school bell, startling the two. We sprang away abruptly from each other, wide-eyed and flushed.

I stared at Michael with a mix of shock, embarrassment and incredulity once the realization fully hit me in the face. My throat dried up and I couldn't speak. I kissed Michael. I made out with Michael. My fingers reached incredulously to touch my mouth, feeling my rapid warm breaths on the tips. 

Meanwhile, Michael's green eyes were huge and dark, his pink lips swollen a bit from earlier and he was breathing hard. Slowly, he took in my expression and said "Kaitlyn." Heavy guilt washed over my senses the moment I heard how husky his voice was, the trace of desire still lingering in his tone. 

Three words forced their way out of my lungs. "Please don't, Michael."

He stared in muted bewilderment at me with his lips parted slightly. "I --" he began, suddenly stumbling to for words.

Whatever he wanted to say was lost when I hurriedly shouldered past him, face burning with shame as I ran out of the room.

A thousand questions flashed past my mind but a few stuck, gleaming bold. What happened just now? What the heck was that feeling?? And what is going on with you?

I nearly ran into Perry as I tried to push past the crowd of students returning to their respective classes.

"Whoa what's the rush Kaitlyn?" Perry broke into a smile, holding my arm. I flinched violently, staring at him like a deer caught in headlights.

Perry's expression changed. "Kaitlyn?" He began uncertainly and I was sure he was about to ask a question next from the raised eyebrow and thin white line he was pressing his mouth into.

Michael's face flashed before my eyes. 

I winced away from him, my cheeks scarlet. "N-Nothing." I lied, shaking my head as I pushed past the heavy guilt. "I-I have Maths class and I don't want to be late."

I dashed away before I could catch the questioning look in Perry's eyes.

My lips still tingled from the kiss, like an aftertaste that refused to go away.

*

I spent the rest of the day locked up in the bathroom, staring numbly at the door of the stall I was in. There were little scribblings of pairs of initials ringed by hearts scrawled in marker on the door but they played odd patterns in my eyes.

I was hugging my knees, sitting atop of the toilet bowl cover, my eyes too dry to cry. A hollow feeling had settled itself on my chest, and never before had I felt so empty inside.

My heart had already went back to its usual pace but something, I could tell was, lacking.

The sound of the school bell, the very same noise that had saved and cursed me from that moment, echoed throughout the bathroom followed later by the din of various conversations exchanged at once. I checked the time on my phone, relieved and disappointed to find it was dismissal period.

I shut my eyes for a moment and a flash of dark green irises passed across my lids.

Now that it was over, I was thoroughly scandalized of how I felt when Michael's kisses set me on fire like never before and knew how much I had secretly wanted to be kissed that way. I groaned, burying my warm face into my hands as I tried to rub away those memories.

The sound of people walking in startled me, followed by a high pitched nasally voice complaining irritably. I recognized it at once.

"That bitch Kaitlyn Redford ruined it for Michael and I." Drew grumbled as somebody turned on the taps.

"What did she do?" Another voice asked with disgust in her tone.

"l Michael and I would've fucked but that sneaky little slut was hiding in that little closet at the corner of the music room." Drew said. "Ugh why does she have to ruin everything?"

"I know right! God it's as if it wasn't enough she stole Perry from me." 

A jolt went up my spine. I recognized this other voice. It was none other than Drew's personal assistant, Adeline.

"She thinks she's so perfect and all, big gold eyes and brown hair with that innocent expression." Drew agreed in a derisive tone. "I bet she's slept with half the boys in this school."

Anger boiled my veins upon hearing Drew's impression of me. I was nothing like that!!

Even the idea of sex made me blush hard and cringe away.

How dare she spread false things about me!

Adeline made an contemptuous sound. "What did you do about it though in the music room?"

"I would've killed that fucking slut where she stood!" Drew scoffed angrily and I heard tissues being yanked unkindly from the dispenser, echoing a harsh sound that made me flinch.

"But?"

Drew was silent for an awkward moment. "Look it doesn't matter what happened. Besides, I have Michael now. He came all the way here to Sydney for me."

My blood turned to ice and my heart constricted painfully.

Michael's voice came back to me in a split second, awfully loud in my head.

"I promise I'll come back. For you."

At that moment, I didn't know what to believe. Who did Michael actually come back for?? Me, the best friend he left, or Drew, the girl who could shatter him like glass?

Which brought me to the question as to how they met. Then again, did I really need to know?

My chest began to ache at the possibility that Michael had lied to me, though he was always so candid to the point that he could shatter your feelings if he wanted to. 

Who did you choose, Mikey? Me or her?

"Ugh let's get out of here." Drew said when Adeline didn't reply. "I can't stand the thought of being in the same room with Kaitlyn."

I stared numbly at the floor, long after they were gone. 

*

"Ah shit." I cursed under my breath, frowning at my batch of burned brownies on the counter, trying very hard to remember what went wrong. Usually my baking was alright but this week it was getting worse and worse.

My mother looked up from chopping the vegetable, pursing her lips. She had dark hair, just like mine but where my eyes were amber, hers was a brilliant shade of violet. "Dear." She gave me a pointed look. "Language."

I sighed a little and smiled apologetically. "Sorry." I bit my lower lip and scraped off the burnt brownies into the trash. 

My mother resumed preparing for tonight's dinner and I could hear the sounds of this afternoon's rugby match floating into the kitchen from the living room down the hall. My brothers and father were watching tv.

"Mom?" I turned to look at her after dumping the baking tray into the dishwasher. "What was your first kiss like?"

My mother's eyebrows shot upwards as a surprised expression settled over her features. "What?" She stared at me with her jaw agape.

I shrugged, ignoring the flush across my cheeks. "What was your first kiss like?"

Her eyebrows came together. "Unexpected."

I laughed in reply. "Is it?"

"Oh alright." She sighed, a smile curling the edges of her mouth upwards. "It was ... not quite what I had imagined. I used to picture myself holding hands with the person I loved."

"And?" I found myself leaning forward, holding my breath. 

"It didn't happen." She summed up. "Things never quite go the way you imagine which sucks. It often takes you by surprise, and it's up to you on how to accept it. Whether to go against it or roll over."

"Mom, you're scaring me." I deadpanned as I clambered onto the seat at the counter so I could face my mother. "You sound like Wendy." I grinned and tried to ignore the pang in my chest.

My first kiss, like my mother said, was nothing I expected and I hadn't thought it would be Michael who would steal it.

My mother shrugged. "I guess that's what happens when you work at the pediatrician. You gotta give those kids advice that they can relate to and understand." She said with a laugh. "Why? Did you have your first kiss?"

My jaw dropped before I snapped it shut hastily but she had seen my stunned expression.

"Kaitlyn." She smirked and I flushed.

"I was just curious." I blurted out in a fit of panic. "And no. I-I didn't kiss anyone. Just for the record." I stammered and mentally smacked myself for sounding so obvious.

My mother raised her eyebrows but said nothing, only the smile grew wider. "It's something you won't ever forget."

I closed my eyes, seeing the dark desire written all over mesmerizing green eyes looking up at me through a half-lidded gaze, and almost wished it never happened for the sweet taste of Michael's lips seemed to linger on mine.


	15. Chapter 15

"No no." Perry shook his head but his eyes were shining mirthfully. "You look so funny doing that." He remarked as I flashed him a sharp look.

We were at the park where he was trying to teach me to skateboard. The sounds of wheels grinding against concrete were loud to my ears as I hopped off Perry's board, sighing animatedly.

"Let's face it. I'm shit at this." I admitted sheepishly at Perry who wore a stubborn look upon his features. His strawberry blond hair looked almost ginger in the sun as he took off his snapback to run fingers through them.

Perry seemed as if he was attempting not to laugh at my strange pose when I balanced myself on his board. "You're doing better than the last time." He said finally.

Wendy and Cilan were off at the benches to the side near the basketball court, having an animated debate over something. They looked really cute together, arguing a bit but laughing all the same. A pang of jealousy stabbed my chest.

Perry was nice enough as a boyfriend, my first if I might add, sweet and caring for a skater boy whose looks often shouted trouble when he passed by. But sometimes it felt more like he was treating me like best friend instead of a girlfriend. I guess part of that was my fault and we've dated for maybe 2 or 3 months and we haven't worked the nerve to kiss.

Whereas Michael and I only knew each other for barely less than 4 weeks and we've kissed ... in a way couples would do intimately.

A hollow feeling settled itself on the dull throb of my heart that ached.

No. Stop. I told myself firmly. You will not think of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. I forbid you. 

Of course my mind was a mutinous little creature and flickered thousands of little images of Michael, from back in kindergarten till the recent incident.

I haven't had a flashback in awhile and I knew I should be relieved but I really wanted to enjoy the memory of when everything was perfect. I stared out at the scenery around me with unseeing eyes.

"Earth to Kaitlyn." Perry's voice jarred me out of reverie and I started, looking at my boyfriend in surprise.

His eyebrows were raised, a funny expression to his features and his mouth pressed into a line.

"Um yea?" I made as if I was listening the whole time.

Perry blinked uncertainly. "I was just wondering if you'd like to come to the party at one of my friend's house this Saturday night." He explained.

"Oh." I stared at him for a moment too long. "Uh yea sure." I shrugged casually, remembering my parents would be burning the midnight oil that day. "What's the occasion?"

Perry answered without a hitch, his lips curving upwards. "I dunno. I think it was his skateboard's birthday or something. Kirk celebrates the weirdest things." He laughed as he named one of his friends, someone I didn't know.

"Oh ok." I nodded and hopped onto his skateboard, pushing my foot off the ground to move it. "Yea I think I'll be able to make it."

Perry jogged up to me. "And I'll be joining a skateboard contest real soon. There's a national tryout two weeks from now."

I turned to look at him in astonishment, putting my foot to the ground to stop. "Really?" I exclaimed enthusiastically. "That's great!"

Perry had always wanted to participate in the X-Games and I figured this would be one step closer to his dream. My boyfriend nodded eagerly. "Yea so I need to practice my moves."

I took a moment to process that before glancing at my feet and hopped off his skateboard, much to his protests. "You skate. I'm bad at it anyway." I said, handing him his board and being secretly relieved that I didn't have to further embarrass myself in front of my boyfriend.

Perry held his board awkwardly, mouth open as if to say something but closed it immediately. "Um Kaitlyn." He began tentatively, clearing his throat. "That Clifford guy ..."

My heart skipped a beat sickeningly and fear began to pulse through my veins. I felt my throat dry up as the thought of Perry knowing what I had done the other day came floating back into my head like a cloud.

"He used to live here, didn't he?" Perry's tone was carefully neutral and almost uninflected as he spoke, his clear hazel eyes looking straight at mine.

I bit my lip, briefly considering my answer. "What gave you that idea?"

He dropped his gaze, ear reddening. "Never mind." Perry mumbled under his breath and I frowned in bewilderment at him. Perry was never one to keep things from me. He was always so open with his thoughts and opinions, never hesitating to share his ideas and jokes.

Something struck me as funny as I stared at Perry for awhile, trying to figure out what was wrong. 

"Anyway, he's dating Drew right?" Perry asked, his voice indicating he didn't want to go back to the previous topic. "Who would've thought."

My heart constricted in my chest as soon as he said it and I found myself saying in a empty tone, "Yes."

"Honestly I knew she was ruthless but the new kid?" Perry and I began to walk back to the benches. "Seriously she didn't even give him time to settle down."

"Nobody in the right mind would turn her down." I grumbled ungraciously under my breath, mentally spitting out suggestions about who Drew should bother. "She has everything. Flawless platinum blonde hair, tall and curvy body. Pretty hazel eyes and full lips. Just a play with her long lashes and any boy would be wrapped around her finger."

"But I think you're way prettier than her." Perry said plainly and I goggled at him, cheeks burning up and his honest compliment.

My eyes widened and my voice shot a few octaves, rambling. "What? Pfft. No! I mean I can't even see myself as ..." I broke off, blinking many times in confusion. "Pretty. I'm not pretty. I'm normal, I guess. Just plain and --"

Perry chuckled, lacing his fingers through mine and smiled at me, his eyes shining. "You're not plain." He said gently, reaching to hold my other hand after he put his skateboard down. 

I stared up at him mutely, the words that were spewing out earlier seemed to have shut off. My heart hammered as he leaned closer. My eyes widened with surprise, lips parted slightly. I could see the individual flecks of brown in his hazel irises and my own reflection in his pupils. I held my breath, unable to flick my gaze away.

"Here's a secret: I think you're beautiful." And his lips were on mine before I could react.

Kissing Perry was different, in a way. It was platonic, simply showing me how much of his affection he felt towards me as his lips moved across mine, an unhurried and patient pace.

I felt my knees turn to jelly, and my own heart was pounding hard against my ribcage. The noise around us faded into a blur, and the only thing I heard was the blood pulsing in my ears. Slowly, I let my arms go around him, wrapping around his shoulders.

He exhaled softly, cupping my cheeks as he angled himself to deepen the kiss. I obliged and sensed his smile against me when I tugged his lower lip, earning a groan from him. A warm feeling bubbled inside me and I was tempted to do it again, to see where we could go.

All of a sudden, a face with haunting green eyes and fair hair flashed behind my eyelids and I gasped at the abrupt image, drawing away from Perry. My skin tingled but it wasn't from my boyfriend's touch. It was just a different sense, like a secret betrayal.

Perry's eyebrows were arched with surprise, his gaze wide and worried. "K-Kaitlyn?" He stammered and a look of hurt flashed across his flushed expression.

I winced, guilty that I had pushed him away like that for his features appeared wounded. My cheeks warmed. "Sorry." I sounded breathless. "I-I was just surprised, that's all. It just happened to soon." I lied and felt a stab in my chest.

Perry's face fell momentarily before he resumed his stunned expression. "Yea. I'm sorry." He said in a flat tone and a waves of guilt washed over me.

"No I should be sorry." I broke in, mumbling. "You must think I'm part nun or something, for all the reaction I gave you when we kissed."

Perry's face changed from shocked to confused then disbelief. "What? No! I'd never --"

Whatever he wanted to say was lost when voices whooped a few feet away from us. We turned to look and saw Wendy and Cilan with exuberant looks upon their countenances, with a skip in their steps.

They were also regarding us weirdly too, almost teasingly, and I had to resist the urge to scowl at them for doing so.

"Hey what did we miss?" Cilan began laughingly, alternating glances between Perry and I. "Sorry, I got held up by Fairweather here giving me the latest commentary about the Houston Rockets."

"I was talking about LeBron James." Wendy sounded miffed but flashed him a smile before staring at me. "So, anyway, how was skateboarding lessons?"

I shook my head forcing a laugh. "Well, I looked like a shocked goose with its wings outstretched." I shrugged nonchalantly and Perry snorted.

"Nah. You were great. Pretty as a butterfly in mid-flight." Perry protested lightheartedly and draped his arm over Cilan, giving a rub in his dark hair. "And as for you two ..." Perry snickered as Cilan squeaked in surprise.

Wendy pulled me to one side, giving me that lopsided grin. I frowned at her irritably once we were out of earshot from the boys. "What?"

"I saw what you did there!" She squealed, smacking me playfully on the arm a little to roughly. I flinched, rubbing the sore area ruefully as she went on. "Nice! It was like a scene out of a perfect romance movie."

Except, in a cheesy romance movies, the girl doesn't feel conflicted and she wouldn't have cheated on her boyfriend by kissing someone she knew way back. Pressing my mouth into a thin line, I said instead "I think you and I have different definitions of the word perfect in our vocabulary." I remarked and she pouted her lower lip out.

"Please, both of you were cute! Just a little slow with the kiss." She commented and my guts twisted with a feeling of wrongness.

"I guess so." I replied, uninflected, fighting past the weird taste in my throat. "But it was nice, I guess."

"I'm looking forward to the next level already!" She beamed cheerfully at me and giggled. "I'm so happy for you now that you've had your first kiss."

I stared at her wordlessly, watching the way Wendy was all beamingly cheerful and happy for me. I allowed her to believe what she wanted and wished I could do the same.

But I couldn't for I knew that deep down, telling myself Perry was my first kiss was a huge lie, no matter how pleasant and sweet it was, because nothing could ever make me see past the memory of the way those hands trembled against mine, how fragile that body felt against me, the pressure of those lips when they kissed me desperately as if pleading me to fix him.

I squeezed my eyes shut, not seeing Perry's face but Michael's, the way his walls broke down the moment those soft pink lips came crashing down on mine.


	16. Chapter 16

One month. That was exactly the time since the first day of school when I saw Michael in my homeroom lesson. The Kaitlyn I was before was different from the Kaitlyn I was now.

Before, I wouldn't have let those dirty looks Drew shot in my direction bother me. I wouldn't have felt so alone in my group of friends nor would I find myself staring off into space and basically zoning out on the conversations my friends were having.

"So yea I told him," Luke gestured as he went on with his story. "I told him I was allergic to bullshit like him and he shut up!"

Everyone at the cafeteria table, except me, laughed in unison at the story. Fortunately they were too busy to notice I was nibbling on the brownies I made the other day, which didn't taste as good as the ones I usually made, without much appetite. I snuck a glance at the table where Drew sat amongst her other trolls, with Michael beside her.

From where I sat, I could see their entwined hands under the table and my stomach did an uneasy flip at the sight. I bit into my brownie, chewing dejectedly as I watched Calum talk about some prank he pulled on his sister, Mali, and how it ended up with his hand stuck in a vending machine. 

If the Kaitlyn I was last year hadn't changed, she'd laugh along with her friends.

This time when my friends chortled, they were aware that I wasn't joining in. "What?" Cilan regarded me worriedly, his eyebrows raised and his electric blue eyes wide. "Is something up?"

Beside me, Perry turned to look at me, chewing the insides of his mouth. "Yea is everything ok?"

I could feel the weight of everyone's gaze on me. Halfheartedly, I nodded. "I'm alright. I'm just tired."

Frankly, that was a horrible excuse and it was the very same excuse I've been using this week now. Obviously, it was very sketchy so everyone narrowed their gazes at me, making my cheeks burn.

"But you said that yesterday." Calum frowned.

"And the day before yesterday." Wendy noted.

"And the day before the day before yesterday." Luke chimed in.

Perry added. "And --"

"If anyone dares continues that, I will personally slap you so hard till the next week." I glared at everyone but Perry was staring at something behind me. Or someone.

His eyes were wide and worried. "Kat, I think Michael's coming over." He had only confirmed my suspicions. 

My heart did a little flip as I whipped around wildly, scanning the cafeteria before my gaze settled on the tall blond boy making his way towards me with a grimly determined face. My chest tightened apprehensively and a million thoughts swam my head; I whipped back and prayed he wasn't looking for me.

"Kaitlyn." Just the sound of my name on his lips, almost in a breathless drawl, was enough to make my own heart triple its pace, my nerves to sing and my breath to whisk away.

I tensed up for a moment when my body swiveled to the side to face him on its own volition. My eyes traveled upwards his body, past the ripped black skinny jeans, red plaid sleeveless button-down top, his face before flitting to his soft pink lips. Vaguely I wondered how he felt about the kiss we shared and I flushed, telling myself that it was best if I didn't know.

Luke and Calum fell silent, for some reason, and my friends were respectfully quiet. Only Perry was regarding Michael stoically.

I swallowed past the hard lump in my parched throat. "Yes?" My voice was a few octaves higher when I spoke.

Michael's eyes weren't gleaming with the same darkness like the last time but looked empty, and transparent like green glass. I sensed Perry tense up when Michael asked "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

My breath caught in my throat as I did a double take. "W-What?" I squeaked.

"Please." He begged, expression molding into an imploring one. One look at him and I knew inside that no matter how much I told myself no, I'd do the opposite.

Wordlessly, I stood up and nodded. "Alright." I glanced at my friends who had all developed a new interest in staring at their food before moving my gaze to Perry who avoided my eyes. I sighed, bending down to kiss him on the cheek.

"I'll be back Per." I promised and straightened up, but not before I saw Michael turn away as if the sight of me kissing Perry bothered him greatly.

The corner's of Perry's mouth curled upwards. "I'll see you at Biology then."

I nodded and followed Michael out the cafeteria. We passed by Drew's table and I could feel hatred for me burning in that vehement gaze.

*

Contrary to what he said, Michael didn't speak to me as we went down familiar hallways, turning right at one corner before heading straight down. A few steps and I recognized where we were walking towards and I stopped.

Michael halted and turned around to look at me, with immense impatience. "C'mon." He snapped and flicked his finger in a beckoning gesture. "We don't have much time."

"You're not taking me to the music room." I said stubbornly, crossing my arms over my chest. "You won't make me. Especially not after --" I broke off, cheeks flaming at the memory of hot, tangled kisses and raspy moans.

Michael rolled his eyes at me and grabbed my hand, hard enough to make me cry out. The touch of our bare skin together numbed me with electricity shooting up my wrist but I was stunned speechless, staring at him with my mouth hanging open.

Lambent green gaze regarded mine steadily. "I'm not taking you there." He said firmly.

My mouth glued shut, and I was still staring at him with a mix of bewilderment and curiosity. With a sigh, Michael let go of me before gesturing me to follow him once again.

"You can either come with me or you can stay with your friends." Michael set his shoulders stubbornly, perhaps waiting for me to choose the latter option.

I looked down at my hands, then at his. My wrist was bare, save for the fading red marks from his grip while his was covered with bracelets, God knew why. The answer was on my lips and I didn't even have to hesitate to answer. "Alright."

We went down the hallway, surprisingly yet expectably passing by the music room. Michael didn't cast so much as a glance but I found my eyes flitting towards the open door that showed me the insides of the room. 

Nobody was in there, of course, hardly anyone was. But in my mind-eye, I saw a tall fair-haired boy and an amber-eyed brunette girl looking at each other, a few inches of distance of air separating each other when the boy's tears slid down his face as he leaned down to kiss her lips. 

I forced myself to look away, my heart shrinking in my chest with an odd sort of longing and shame, and hurried up to Michael in front of me. It was then when we paced down a few more steps on the polished school hallway floor with loud squeaks of our sneakers did I realize where we were heading to.

*

The school had a garden. It wasn't a place for anyone to relax at, as we only used it to grow peas for Biology or ordinary household veggies for Home Economics. It was a regular greenhouse, glass walls and the smell of fresh earth in the air mixed with humidity.

Michael went in first, striding towards a spot somewhere in the place as I entered and closed the door behind me, eyeing the meticulous rows of plants. There was even classical music playing, coming from a battered-looking speaker to my right.

"Kai." 

I hurried towards the general direction of Michael's voice upon hearing my name, ignoring the kicking in my head as questions battled their way out to be asked. Michael was staring intently at a rectangular box of tiny looking flowers with white petals. He didn't look up but said when I approached "Daisies."

"What?" I frowned at him, edging closer a little.

He turned his face upwards to meet my eyes, and I was startled; his gaze was distant. "Daisies." Michael repeated, pointing at the flowers.

"Oh yes." I nodded, feeling more and more awkward by the second; I briefly wondered what would happen if a teacher or the caretaker would walk in and find us both standing suspiciously by the daisy box with the boy beside me muttering about daisies.

The scene almost appeared ridiculous in my head but when I looked at Michael, there was a light in his green eyes. And he was staring at me.

My own cheeks warmed immediately and the flutter in my chest increased to what felt like constant collisions against my ribcage.

"You used to drag me all the way to the park when we were little." Michael began to say, a small reminiscent smile curling his lips upwards. "And you would search the whole field for these flowers and make chains out of them."

I felt myself flush with embarrassment. "Well, that was a long time ago." I mumbled under my breath, unable to meet his gaze. "I'm glad you still remember that." I added awkwardly.

"You'd make me wear one of them." He chuckled. "And say that, no matter how tiny they were, they had their own beauty to their simplicity and that they were your favorites."

I stared at him with faint bafflement. I couldn't believe that he still remembered that or that he brought me all the way here just to talk about daisy chains or whatever. "So you just wanted to maunder about the past." I said, my voice cold to my ears.

Michael pressed his lips together as a flash of hurt passed his features. My stomach tightened at the sight but I kept quiet.

He ran fingers through his hair, shaking his head. "No. Not really." He answered at last.

I scowled. "Then why did you bring me here? For the ambience?" I scoffed disbelievingly and was about to turn on my heel to leave when he grabbed my hand, forcing me to look at him.

A wave of anger forced out of me and I was about to shout at him to let me go but the words died when I saw the same vulnerable expression in his eyes that haunted me. It was the same look from back at the hospital when I had asked him what was wrong and had pushed me away. My lips parted with surprise.

"Please don't go." Michael pleaded desperately and bit his lower lip. I found myself staring at them, remembering the pressure of his lips on mine and the taste of it behind the desire.

My cheeks flamed.

"At least ... not until you let me say what I wanna say." Michael added in a whisper as he released me.

My heart was hammering but with each beat, it was like shards were digging into them, seeing the conflicted emotions on Michael's face. I swallowed past the hard lump in my throat with difficulty and felt my own resolve to leave him crumble away. "Then what is it you want to say Mikey?"

This time, I didn't correct the slip I made. I allowed myself to say the name endearment I had used back when we were kids.

Michael nodded, hesitantly, and fiddled with his bracelets, meeting my eyes as words flowed from his mouth. "I know that there's no way we can be friends again, at least not in the same context as the friendship we had when we were kids."

He took a shaky breath and continued in a wistful voice. "You probably don't want to see me around for what I have done to you in the past. I can see it in your eyes whenever you watch me from across the room, and I guess it's my fault for making you feel this way."

My lips parted as my eyes rounded with shock. Every word was like a blow to my chest and I wanted him to stop yet obscurely still wanting to hear what him blame himself.

"I want to take this opportunity to apologize to you for whatever you feel that I have wronged against you and to also never --" He broke off, squeezing his eyes shut as if the next words that would come out would hurt him.

"Ever speak of wanting to fix what we had. Because I can see that there's no way of getting back what was lost to time and distance." He said finally and opened his eyes but kept them carefully averted. "I guess this means that I'm finally saying goodbye to you, and willing to let you move on, even if it means that this time I'll be the one that's left behind and watch you go."

I started forward, shaking my head mutely but he backed away, his mouth a thin line. I froze, the pang in my chest flaring into outright pain that made my throat close up and caused oxygen to seep out of my lungs. I heard the desperation seizing my tone."No, please Mikey. Don't --"

"I mean it." He said firmly and exhaled, defeatedly. "Goodbye Kaitlyn." Michael whispered and left me, staring at the spot where he stood rambling about how I used to make daisy chains for him to wear.


	17. Chapter 17

"Kat, could you stop frowning for a moment?" Wendy's voice broke into my reverie as she applied makeup to my features, her own a knit of concentration. "It's kinda difficult for me to - ah there we go."

"Sorry." I mumbled, feeling a twinge of guilt for making her do all the work. "Wendy, you know you don't have to do this for me."

She gave me an incredulous look, the eyeliner which she had grabbed earlier in hand nearly dropping from her disbelief. "It's a party, Kaitlyn. You're supposed to look good for it. I mean, Perry's gonna be there too and you could at least look pretty for him."

And get lucky. I could almost hear her say that but at the last second she pressed her mouth into a line.

But that's the problem. I thought to myself as I closed my eyes to allow her to apply eye shadow. How could I bring myself to do that with Perry, not because I was lacking what teenagers these days called guts, but because I had someone else on my mind.

Initially, after that incident, I didn't want to go to the party at all. But after an amount of pestering from both Wendy, Cilan, and Perry, I gave in, reluctantly. Perhaps I needed something to take my mind off of Michael. But I couldn't. Even now, I wondered why I agreed to go to the party. 

His words, the promise to leave me alone had replayed over and over in my head, haunting me ever since.

I couldn't imagine what drove Michael to say that. He did say it was because of my actions but I refused to believe it as a whole. There should've been more to him voluntarily cutting us off. I doubted Drew was the reason behind this for she didn't appear to have known the past we shared.

Besides, that wasn't the kind of mindset I wanted to bring when I would do it with Perry. Heck I shouldn't even be bringing it at all.

It's unhealthy, obsessive and childish. I thought to myself firmly. Grow up; if Michael says he doesn't want you to be his friend anymore, suck it up. I made a face at my own reflection, just as Wendy stepped back to admire her work.

She mistook it as disgust and I saw her pretty features wilt into disappointment. "You don't like it?"

I stopped short, shaking my head rapidly. "No no, it's great --" My voice died away when I really looked at myself. Or my reflection, because I could never see myself that way.

The girl in the mirror was someone else entirely. She was really stunning, perfectly dolled-up in a way that took your breath away. The smoky eyed appearance accentuated her golden irises, veiled by long brown lashes. Her full lips just made you want to kiss them. And her cheeks --

Once again, Wendy's voice broke into my thoughts, sounding uncertain and diffident. "I can redo it again if --"

"What did you do to me?" My tone was high with excitement and giddy disbelief.

I saw her face light up with relief and pride. "You like it?" She asked, grinning.

I turned around, got up and hugged her. "I love it!"

She laughed before eyeing me up and down, sizing up the white blouse and pair of blue denim shorts I had picked for the party for a moment. "Girl, you look amazing." Wendy winked.

I felt myself blush in appreciation.

"As for the shoes?" Her haze slipped to my bare feet.

I smirked knowingly before setting off to grab my pair of Vans. "All set."

Wendy pursed her lips, probably about to say something about how skater shoes were entirely out of question for parties before deciding better of it. "Ok."

*

The whole time on the ride to Kirk's house, I developed an unhealthy obsession of checking my phone every 5 seconds. Wendy and I were hitching a ride on my brothers' car, awkwardly listening to them arguing over football.

"Kaitlyn, relax. Perry's gonna be there." Wendy assured me, glancing from the corner of her eyes at my hands. "Besides, it's his friend's party. You'll be able to find him." She assured, patting my thigh.

I offered her a small smile, ignoring the nervous twinges tugging my stomach. I've never attended many parties, except Michael's when we were kids, in my life, always finding the excuse to avoid them as I was rubbish at socializing. 

Biting down on my lip, I fiddled with a loose thread on my denim shorts just as my brother, Adam, who was driving, pulled up on the Kirk's street, a few houses from his. Surprisingly, the dude lived on the better part of town, where most of the rich families resided. Kirk didn't exude that rich kid vibe (neither did Wendy but she was on an entirely different level) and was always dressed in raggedy jeans, faded t-shirts and dusty looking sneakers.

Just as the car stopped, Adam turned round to look at Wendy and I. "So if you need anything --"

"Yes Mom." I rolled my eyes in exasperation at him, sighing. "I'll call you if we need anything."

Adam pressed his mouth into a thin line as Jacob messed around with the radio stations in the shotgun seat. "So you're staying at Wendy's after the party?"

"I thought I said that just now." Wendy frowned at him.

He turned around to flash a smirk. "Just checking babe."

I made a face at him. "Jacob, do stop flirting with my best friend." I chided as I got out of the car, Wendy following behind me.

"Enjoy the party!" Liam called out, waving at us just as they drove off. We watched the car speed off before making a turn, disappearing round the corner of the street.

I turned to Wendy, grabbing her wrist. "I think I'm gonna puke." I said honestly and she laughed, nudging me.

"You'll be fine."

*

The floor vibrated with the heavy bass lines of electronic dance music emanating from the living room of the house as we entered. People were lingering in the hallways, drinking out of red cups probably filled with spirits and laughing as they staggered around. 

The smell of alcohol, sweat, weed and mingling perfumes clouded over the place, making me wrinkle my nose involuntarily.

A group of guys in varsity jackets checked us out in the most inappropriate manner, smirking amongst themselves when one of them caught my gaze. I turned my face away which was burning, wondering where on Earth Perry was at a place like this. Feeling very uneasy, I grabbed Wendy's arm, sticking close to her.

"What?" She glanced back at me.

"Where's Perry?" I asked, before realizing how annoying that sounded.

Luckily Wendy didn't seem to find it so. She simply shrugged and led us down the hallway, pushing past a couple of girls who all wore matching outfits. They looked kinda familiar but in the dim illumination, I couldn't quite place a finger on them.

It wasn't long till Wendy decided we'd be able to find the host of the party, Kirk, in the rec room. Sure enough, he was there, playing a sort of game involving throwing a ping pong ball into cups that were arranged on the table.

"Kirk." Wendy began and he turned around. There was a sort of careless way he moved around, the way his eyes stared at us in an unfocused manner and a flush to his cheeks.

"Welcome to the ladies, party." He grinned before frowning. "Party, ladies. Whatever." He eyed both of us up and down.

Wendy simply rolled her eyes and held me closer to her. "Where's Perry and Cilan?"

"Upstairs." He slurred, taking a swig from one of the cups. "Playing that silly game."

My nerves were on edge when I heard that and instantly my mind registered a few inappropriate games he might have involved himself in. "What game?" I demanded, much to all of our surprise. Everybody knew I didn't talk much to strangers and to hear me speak out ...

Kirk widened his bloodshot eyes. "Go ask your boyfriend." He sneered derisively. I stepped back in temporary surprise, unable to respond with anything particularly witty.

A wave of anger blocked the music thrumming throughout the house temporarily; I was about to take action when Wendy snapped, "Shut the fuck up Kirk." Then she pulled me away from the room, leading up the stairs.

"Stupid bastard." She muttered under her breath. I nearly tripped on the stairs over something. When I looked down, I paled.

"Why is there a bra?" I asked aloud, horrified by the sight of the pink undergarment laying out in the open. 

"Gah." Wendy wrinkled her nose in disgust and kicked it away. "The boys better not be canoodling with sluts." She grumbled.

A sick feeling passed over me for a moment and I let go of Wendy's arm, only realizing I had been holding it the whole time. My best friend turned around, brown gaze glinting with concern. "Wha --"

"I think I need to use the bathroom." I said.

"Why?" Wendy appeared alarmed, her lips parted and eyes round.

"I-I'll catch up with you later." I hurried downstairs, not hearing her cries of protests as I pushed past people. I didn't stop till I reached the backyard, inhaling deep gasps of air that wasn't tainted by cigarette smoke, mingling perfumes and alcohol.

The backyard wasn't devoid of people. There were just a few pranksters, draping toilet paper over the shrubberies in mischief. They didn't particularly look like they were trouble so I made my way over to the grass and sat down, soaking in the cool night air.

Who was I kidding? I didn't belong here. I didn't belong to places where I would have to socialize with strangers around my age. A hot feeling of frustration welled up my chest, creating an ache as I bit my lip admonishingly, hating how insecure I was.

I didn't like the way people looked at me in there, I felt uncomfortable when they addressed me and I knew I was hardly interesting at all. I wasn't at all like Wendy who was so comfortable in her own skin or like Cilan who was cheesy and amusing or cool and laid-back like Perry.

Sometimes, it felt like I didn't belong to my current circle of friends. Now, I felt like I was just too different from them. It was a surprise how I even befriended them in the first place. 

I remembered, back in 7th grade, I was always alone, hanging around in the library like I always did ever since Michael had left when Wendy had came up to me, all smiles, and asked for help with her homework because she felt like I was approachable. Cilan was with her too, at that time, he was all dangly limbs and huge eyes. We had only discussed a few questions when Wendy invited me to hang out with them.

That was basically how it started.

And out of me being tired of loneliness, I went with the flow. They were super nice and slowly I opened up to them.

It wasn't until a few months after I met them did they introduce me to Perry, who coincidentally was Cilan's distant cousin. It was great, hanging out with them but secretly, I felt like something was missing.

And I only knew that Michael could fill that void, which made me more hesitant in believing I could move on in his absence. I didn't want to depend on him, and I guess it was stupid of me to want to hang on.

Sighing, I hugged my legs, wanting to be someone else for tonight. Or perhaps I should just go back home. Absentmindedly, I reached for my phone, clicking it to check the time. A thought occurred to me, softly insistent and tugging the edge of my mind. Scrolling through my contacts, I stared at the name before I clicked off, deciding not to.

Besides, that person could hardly be bothered by me. 

Getting up and dusting off the grass from my clothes, I went back inside, making my way towards the kitchen.

I'm tired of being me. I maneuvered around a couple who were passionately making out at the counter.

I wish to be someone else, just for the night. My eyes scanned the kitchen for a bit, before finding what I was searching for.

Just for tonight. I began to move forward, reaching out before my fingers curled around the red cup. Staring thoughtfully at it for a moment, my hesitation was lost when a brief image flashed in my mind.

Green eyes and fair hair. A face that had haunted my dreams for awhile now. The broken voice. The painful memories.

I want to forget it, even if it's just temporary. 

"Bottoms up." I said quietly to myself before downing the cup's contents. It burned on its downwards my throat, like liquid fire. It burned in the same conflagration I felt in my chest when I was around him.

But now, I didn't think I would've minded at all.


	18. Chapter 18

"And what do you think you're doing?" A curious voice from behind me asked, laced with a faint accent I could register in my fogging mind as Hispanic and as a male one. I turned around, staggering slightly to find a boy with dark hair curling around his temples, tanned skin and enigmatic eyes. He was about my height just a few inches taller and had a slight built, almost delicate looking.

"What?" I frowned, in confusion and at how slurred my vowels were becoming. "You talking to ... me?"

The boy nodded, his forehead creased. "Sí amiga."

"Um."

"Yes."

"Oh." Glancing at what I believed was my 3rd drink, I felt a twinge of guilt. I bit my lip, tasting the remains of spirits on my tastebuds for a moment before taking another sip. The smell of alcohol stabbed my nose briefly before I downed it, flaming its way down my throat. "Nothing."

He cocked his head to the side before shrugging. "I'm Raphael. Raphael Cabrera."

"Oh." I said, staring at his outstretched hand for a moment in awkward silence before shaking it. "I'm Kai Redford. I mean, Kaitlyn." Suddenly a giggle escaped from my lips as something changed in me.

He had pleasant features, a nice inviting smile, dark eyes, a heart shaped face and his hair ... -- "I believe that drink is tequila."

"Turkey?" I wasn't sure if I had heard him right.

Raphael plucked my drink from my fingers, clicking his tongue in a patronizing manner. "You might not wanna drink this, amiga. It's not good for you." He said.

"But --" I protested, whining. "I need it."

"For what?"

My cheeks warmed. "I want to forget someone."

Giving me a hesitant look, Raphael shook his head once and beckoned me to follow him. "Come along. Do tell me who you want to forget. It is better than putting toxic in your body."

Without knowing what else to do, I walked after him with a shrug, watching the way he moved with a strange fascination. We made a few turns, left and right before we came to a lesser crowded area. "So, pray tell." Raphael turned around to face me, leaning against the wall.

I bit my lip, shaking my head. Was it weird that I wanted to confide what was going on in my head to a complete stranger I barely knew for less than 10 minutes? A small laugh bubbled from my throat.

What the hell.

"There's this guy." I began jarringly. "His name is ..." I paused uncertainly, trying very hard to pull his name out from my inebriated mind. "Michael."

Against the wall, Raphael shifted uneasily. My eyes landed on his averted ones, detachedly wondering if what I was about to tell him a bit too personal. But then his gaze met mine and they softened. "I used to know a guy named Michael too. He had a face of an angelo and tongue like a diablo."

"Oh?" My eyebrows arched curiously.

He nodded and made a go on gesture, indicating that he wasn't gonna further elaborate. Besides, what were the chances that the Michael we knew were the same person?

"Anyway." I cleared my throat, licking my lips. The alcohol was still in my veins, throbbing in my ears and in my chest and I wanted to drink but from Raphael's earnest warning, I guessed maybe I had enough. "We used to be very close when we were kids but he moved away and ... I dunno he came back this year and it wasn't exactly a happy reunion."

Raphael's eyes were fixated on mine, clinging onto every word but there was something in his expression that showed he was more caught up in his thoughts that listening to mine.

But I didn't let it bother me because the more I talked, the more the weight that had settled on my shoulders this past week since Michael pushed me away began to lift a little. 

"I don't know how I feel around him. Sometimes I'n so pissed at him but then I get so nervous around him. Like I get butterflies in stomach when I'm near him. I know I shouldn't feel this way because I have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend. But the other day ... we fought and then we kissed. I know that sounds crazy but I guess it's even crazier that I liked it. And maybe he knew I did because he decided to cut me out of his life." 

I knew I was maundering but it felt good to talk about it.

"Savage." Raphael agreed, fiddling with a chain around his neck. "So the reason you're drinking is to drown your pain?"

I stared at him in wide-mouthed surprise. "How did you know, Raph?"

He shrugged, pressing his lips together. "I can see it in your eyes. Everybody suffering from the worst of all pain, heartaches, wear the same look when they drink." He stated equably when he reached forward to touch my shoulder. I glanced at his hand then back at his face, at a loss for words. "You should speak with him. Maybe it isn't as complicated as you think."

I blinked. "Y-You mean Michael?"

A ghost of a smile passed across his handsome Hispanic features. "Of course." And then he left, leaving me staring at the space where he stood, hovering in my indecision to call Michael or not.

I had his number. His mother, Karen, gave it to me the day I visited him at the hospital. My heart thudded in my chest as I fished my phone out of my pocket, shakily scrolling through my contact list until I found his name. With my finger hovering over the dial button, I made a last minute list of things I wanted to say. But all that was lost to the trepidation swallowing me up, and before I could think my thumb tapped the button.

The call screen popped up and I held it to my hear, listening to the dial tone. After a few rings, he picked it up. "Hey?" He sounded awfully groggy, his voice thick and raspy; my skin prickled with goosebumps upon hearing it and I felt my own heartbeat all the way till my toes. My throat was awfully dry.

"Do you have any idea what it was like for me, Mikey?" Suddenly a wave of anger shut off my reasoning and I found myself yelling into my phone. "Do you know what it's like??"

"Kai?" Surprise snapped his tone awake. "Kai, why are you -- Oh god, have you been --"

"I can't believe you! After everything!" I shouted, pacing back and forth in agitation.

A few people passing by glanced curiously in my direction before looking away uncomfortably when I glared at them.

"Kai, you're not making any --"

"SHUT UP MIKEY!" The hard lump that had been stuck in my chest exploded its hot tidal wave over me. "Why did you do that to me??"

"Do what??" He even had the audacity to sound bewildered. There was also something in his tone that made me want to lash out at him even more, liking the way his voice rose an octave in his confusion. "Kaitlyn, whatever you've been drinking --"

"Shots." I replied immediately. A sick laugh tore its way out from me at his stunned silence. "Don't like that huh?"

My hot satisfaction cooled down to disappointment when he spoke in a steely calm manner. "Where are you?"

"What do you care?! You've cut me out of your life! Do you think I want that?? That's why I drank! Because I want to forget what happened! Because I've been hurting so much! Because of you, MICHAEL GORDON CLIFFORD!" I sank to the ground, sobbing. "I never wanted you to leave. But you always seem to."

I sniffled, wiping my face with the back of my hand. "I'm at a party." I said before rattling the address.

He didn't respond, or perhaps I didn't hear the angry buzzing tone in my ear. Shoving my phone into my pocket, I let out the tears, all of the bottled emotions.

*

"Hey look at this chick."

My ears pricked up at the proximity of the shuffling sounds of shoes on the hardwood floor, the rasp of masculine voices jarring me back to reality. In the dim light of the hallway I was in, I could only catch the shadows of the boys before me. Blinking back my drying tears, I risked a glance upwards.

The people before me were the same boys in varsity jackets earlier who had all eyed Wendy and I. A small flower of apprehension bloomed in my chest when I noticed the way they were looking at me. "Leave me alone." I said weakly in a tremulous tone.

The boy directly in front of me chuckled, squatting to be at eye-level with me. His hair was the color of ditch water and he had irises the color of mud. "Now you don't want that, do you babe?"

I recoiled in disgust, jumping to my feet unsteadily. "G-Go away." Fear was battling intoxication in my foggy mind, making it hard for me to think straight.

The boys chuckled, moving a step forward. I had no choice but back against the wall, heart creeping into my throat. "Please." I whispered, turning my face away. "Leave me alone." My voice shook with fear.

The boy in front gave a smirk before something happened.

He was yanked backwards by another figure, quick as lightning, and punched in the face. He didn't even stand a chance, crumpling to the floor with a pained cry. His cronies whipped around in surprise, all lunging to retaliate but the figure took them down, kneeing in them in their stomachs, bringing his elbow to their faces and kicking them savagely as they fell.

I could only watch with morbid fascination at how fast he moved, attacking with a single minded purpose. All too soon, the boys were groaning in pain, staggering to their feet and running away whilst shouting ugly curses at the figure.

His blond hair was a mess, the set of his shoulders heaving upwards and downwards as he panted, body still as tense as a coiled spring. His t-shirt was rumpled and shorts coming just below his knees.

Frozen in my spot, my eyes slowly met his, finding that his green eyed gaze created a wave of relief to flood my system. "Mikey." I cried, running into him.

He froze a heartbeat before I crashed into him, a collision of bodies when I realized my own was trembling uncontrollably against him, my arms wrapped around his neck and my face sobbing into his chest. 

Michael hesitated, momentarily, before putting his arms around me, one hand cradling the back of my head and the other on the small of my back. I felt the tension leave him as he exhaled, murmuring words of reassurance near my ear as he smoothed my hair down rhythmically.

I couldn't catch his words, but I could hear the relief cracking his drawl, the sound of his voice lulling me into a sense of safety the way his sweet cinnamon scent relaxed me.

"Kai."

Slowly, my eyes slid upwards from the damp spots my tears had formed on his t-shirt and met his green ones; they were filled with concern and something else I couldn't recognize. "Let's get you back home." He said softly.

I bit my lip, nodding obediently as Michael bent down, and lifted me, bridal style. My breath caught in my throat at the odd sensation of being carried, surprised at how weightless I felt in his arms. My head swam dizzily as I clung towards him, making a small sound at the back of my throat.

"You're gonna be ok." He whispered.

I closed my eyes, pressing my cheek to his body mutely. During the whole time when he brought me outside, impassively ignoring the curious stares directed in our direction on the way, I kept thinking of the words he said to me earlier.

Shh, Kaitlyn, don't cry; I'm here now.

A huge part of me felt like it was handed a last-minute reprieve. Maybe it was crazy, perhaps it was madness. But in his arms, I felt safe, safer than I had ever felt before. The warmth in my chest percolated, igniting me with gratefulness and hope.

And I knew I was fucked.


	19. Chapter 19

As soon as Michael deposited me in the back seat of Ashton's battered-looking Toyota, I had made a small protesting sound at the feeling of his touch leaving me.

Michael had ignored me and closed the door before walking round to the shotgun seat and throwing himself in with a scary sort of stoic silence. I could tell from the set of his shoulders he was holding something in and I had a sneaking suspicion it will probably blow up later.

Even Ashton appeared to have sensed Michael's mood because he didn't say anything, instead pausing to lower the volume on his stereo and shifting uneasily in his seat.

"Text your family." Michael said over his shoulder, his voice eerily calm and steely that made me think of a deceptively thin sheen of ice; one wouldn't know it was dangerous until it was too late.

I stared at him in confusion for a moment, lips parting. "But what should I say?" I asked.

A muscle in his face twitched. "Just give me your phone." He said, in the same scary tone, and I could only obey. Fishing out my phone, I handed it over to him, wishing he would turn around and look at me to show he wasn't as angry as I thought. No such luck.

Wordlessly, Michael unlocked my phone with ease, due to the fact that I didn't bother to put a passcode, and scrolled through my contacts as Ashton drove, the whole atmosphere as silent as a grave.

I bit my lip, watching as Michael's fingers flew over my phone keyboard, deftly and nimbly, when he finished and handed it back to me over his shoulder. "I replied the texts from Wendy, Cilan and your boyfriend saying you're alright and that you decided to leave the party."

I winced, almost imperceptibly at the way he referred to Perry, with a sort of bitter hint that wasn't immediately noticeable until I processed it thoroughly in my inebriated mind. 

"Also, I told your brothers you'll be staying at a friend's."

I blinked. "But I'm not with Wendy like I promised --"

"I can't send you back in this ..." He paused to turn around, and I was startled to find his eyes glasslike with a fire burning behind them, which belied his coolly impassive tone. "State of mind." Michael finished.

I sank back against the seat's fabric upholstery, ignoring the scent of smoke that clung to it and crossed my arms petulantly, suddenly annoyed that he was dictating me. "So what am I gonna do then?" I snapped irritably, in that moment, forgetting the favor Michael had done for me.

The fire in his gaze blazed brightly as he opened his mouth, to retort something I would never forget when Ashton interjected. "We're bringing you back to Michael's. Which will, coincidentally, also disrupt our all-bros night while your parents are conveniently away in Tasmania." Ashton informed, though his words would've hinted resentment, his voice was at odds with them, sounding very cheerful.

Vaguely I wondered how he managed it, always being sunny and jubilant. He must have had a lot of practice or he was just born with it.

Michael, swiveling his sharp glare to his friend, scowled even more. 

Apparently, like me, Michael had a temper that could flare like a spark on tinder.

"Whose side are you on?" He snapped irritably.

Ashton simply smiled his signature sunny smile. "The driver's side of the car." He stated in a duh tone. "Which is on the right side. Note the pun."

Michael made a strangled sound at the back of his throat in exasperation and rolled his eyes, huffing audibly. "Ash, I hate you."

"I love you too." Ashton responded immediately just as we pulled up in the Cliffords' driveway. 

I craned my head towards the window to catch a better look and was startled by the sight of two figures perched on the steps of the front door. As soon as the car engine rumbled to a stop when Ashton turned off the ignition, both figures stood up.

Belatedly I realized it was both Luke and Calum, dressed in their pjs, with agitated expressions upon their features. I heard the car door open before slamming shut and whirled my gaze towards the sound.

Catching the sight of Michael walking towards them, I hurriedly undid the straps of my seatbelt, only to be chided by Ashton. "Hold on Kat, I'll help you out."

I didn't listen, throwing the car door open myself. Ashton made a noise of protest as I got out and made my way towards Michael, Luke and Calum. My ears were ringing incessantly and I had a bit of trouble walking straight when an arm wrapped around me for support.

I started violently, head jerking to the side when I saw Ashton's hazel eyes frowning disapprovingly at mine. "I told you to wait." He chided and a flush spread across my cheeks. 

I was startled for a moment when a flash of movement to my side caught my attention.

Michael appeared to be in a heated conversation with his friends as we watched a little further away; he was gesticulating, eyes wide with disbelief as Luke and Calum explained themselves, looking frantic as they did. I couldn't quite catch their words because I stumbled, tasting something nasty at the back of my throat.

"Ash." I pleaded, tugging his t-shirt urgently. "I think I'm gonna puke."

His gaze went wide for a moment before he called to the others. I could barely hear their words over the dizzying nausea and incessant ringing in my head.

I only saw Michael shaking his head, blanching visibly, saying words. My breaths became labored to short pants as a sheen of sweat formed on my temple.

Everything became a blur of movement, shoving, stumbling, and enraged shouts until I was inside of the house before I threw up in the toilet.

*

If drinking liquor burned on its way down, it definitely did the same on the way out. The sensation was awful, not just the smell but how raw my throat felt. Honestly it was like somebody had scraped it.

The shouts I heard on the way inside were definitely female though somewhat familiar, I couldn't quite place a finger on it.

Flushing it down the drain, I began to splash cool water on my face which had begun to burn like I had fever and rinsed the aftertaste of tonight's party until I was sure it was completely gone. Washing off the makeup with just the water from the tap, I ran the back of my hand across my face before looking up and getting startled in the process.

Bloodshot eyes, intensely flushed cheeks and a wild sort of look in the reflection's gaze, I staggered momentarily away before realizing it was myself.

How did I get myself into this? I wondered in bewilderment before running fingers through my hair. I look so awful, so much unlike the girl I had seen earlier tonight.

Ignoring the stab of guilt, I unlocked the bathroom door and stepped out, only for the shouts to pierce my ear. I frowned; it sounded like an argument was going on.

Wandering down the hallway in confusion towards the source of the noise, I froze, wide-eyed when I saw what was happening in the kitchen.

Or rather, who were in the kitchen. Together. 

Michael and Drew.

They appeared to be having a serious argument; Drew was red-faced with anger, gesturing in my general direction though she didn't seem to know I was watching them as Michael snapped a retort, crossing his arms and leaning back on the counter with a stubborn look in his features.

It only took me a moment to register their words.

"Mike, why did you even bring that bitch here??" Drew yelled angrily. 

I winced, remembering Michael wasn't fond of being called that nickname. The memory of one summer afternoon at the park flashed in my head.

"How come nobody ever calls you Mike?" I asked him with a wide and curious gaze as we laid on the grass in search of cloud monsters in the sky above us.

He simply frowned in reply, nose scrunched. "I hate it." He grumbled, staring skyward. "It sounds stupid."

"It doesn't sound stupid." I protested, rolling to my side to look at him. "It sounds normal."

"That won't make me like it." Michael said, biting his lower lip. He appeared to be in petulant sort of mood today so I decided to lighten it up. 

"Well, at least nobody calls you Gordon." I giggled, nudging him. The slight curve in his lips indicated I was successful.

"Who names their kid Gordon?" He snorted, turning his head to grin at me. A small fluttering feeling began in my chest when I saw the gleam in his eyes.

"Your parents." I shot back teasingly and quickly scrambled away in a fit of squealing laughter as his face reddened when he sat up.

"Kai!" He whined indignantly. "Hey! Come back here!"

Drew's voice brought me back to the present, sickly sweet and so persuasive it made me feel like throwing up again. "She doesn't deserve to be anywhere near you." She protested, approaching Michael and regarding him beseechingly. "Send her away."

Michael's expression was tight, his lips pressed into a thin white line as he turned his face away like having Drew closer displeased him. "I can't." He said, tone clipped.

Drew's face fell in disappointment before another look came in her eyes. My stomach grew that sick twisting feeling when I saw her reach for his hand and said suggestively, "I'll do anything you want, Mike."

He didn't respond, but a million thoughts flickered in his distant green gaze, all conflicting inside.

My heart endured a sharp stab of pain at the realization I might be sent away, followed by the mental pleading messages, Don't, Mikey. Don't listen to her.

"As tempting as that sounds ..." He glanced up at her and I saw how the emotions were battling one another in his glasslike eyes. "I'm afraid I'll have to turn you down."

When her jaw dropped incredulously to the ground, a feeling of immense triumph filled me.

"You see, I can't send her away. I won't allow myself. I don't think I could even bring myself to do that." He said, slowly and placatingly. "Kaitlyn doesn't deserve that."

Drew's pretty features contorted into anger. "Why??" She demanded, countenance breaking angry splotches of rage. "Mike, she's nothing! She's just a fucking whore who's just out to steal you from me!"

"No she isn't!" Michael snarled back, suddenly he wasn't the little boy I knew or the guy who had wanted so badly for us to be friends or the person who had held me and kissed me like nothing else mattered or even the individual who could look so empty inside but someone else entirely.

"Don't go around acting like you're so much better than every other girl! Stop being such a bitch! Kaitlyn needs me and I owe her so much! Unlike you, I have a heart! A fucking heart! So don't you ever talk shit about her, Drew!"

Drew was white-faced, her ire evaporating once Michael began to shout at her, punching her verbally like nobody's business. Her hand had traveled towards her mouth to cover it the moment he lashed out and once he stopped I could see her shakily moving it away.

Michael drew a breath, squeezing his eyes shut. "Having her over doesn't change anything between us." He assured, but to my ears it sounded halfhearted.

"But it changes things between you and her." She said quietly.

He shook his head, looking as if he was trying to convince himself. "She's drunk. I'm sure she won't remember in the morning. Besides ..." he inhaled shakily and his tone cracked, "She hates me anyway."

"You'd lie to her?" Drew had the guts to sound hopeful. "For me, please?"

He was silent. "Go home Drew."

Her face fell and I almost felt sorry for her, had it not been the gloating sense of glee coursing in my veins.

Drew sighed, nodding hesitantly. "Bye Mike." She said and leaned to kiss him but Michael had already turned away, grabbing a glass of water.

I witnessed the flash of hurt across her features and dashed upstairs, not wanting to be in the way of her wrath.


	20. Chapter 20

The color of his bedroom walls were exactly the same shade as I remembered, baby blue. I recalled the day I had first came over here and pointed at those very walls in disbelief.

"It's the same as mine!" I had squealed.

He had only offered me a bashful smile with flushed cheeks.

But now, I didn't get a smile for remembering. All I got was to witness Drew and Michael arguing because of me.

Because of me.

I curled into a fetal position as I lay on my right, hoping by doing so I could shrink away from the overwhelming guilt. The soft fabric of the coverlet soaked up my choked up tears, smelling of fresh laundry and his sweet cinnamon scent.

I didn't know why I ended up coming here to cry, or why I was lying in his bed. My mind flashed back to the time he was in my room, smirking at me from my bed and mouthing off my favorite band, Bring Me The Horizon. That felt like a lifetime ago, a memory of a distant dream.

With my back facing the door as I lay with my heavy thoughts, I couldn't have heard anything nor seen anything. And yet, it was as if something had snapped me back to the present. Perhaps it had been a shift in the air but I sensed his presence in the room, hovering uncertainly behind me.

I turned and was relieved, yet disappointed, that I was correct. Michael was standing a few feet away from his bed. In the dim light provided by the lamp on the nightstand, shadows played across his features, black and white, washing out the colors save for his eyes which were bright.

He was regarding me, carefully, with an admixture of emotions behind the glasslike gaze. My heart began to hammer, my throat closing up at the memory of us in the garden. I felt the pressure behind my eyelids become stronger, a sensation I had become all too familiar these past few days following the incident.

We didn't say anything, instead soaking in each other's presence as if it would be the last time we'd ever feel this. Then he cleared his throat, holding up a glass of water. "Drink." He said and sidled over, leaving the glass on the nightstand. Wordlessly, I watched as he turned around and apprehension at the possibility he was leaving me alone in his room made my heart throb painfully.

Instead he was approaching his closet, and rummaging through clothes. With a frown, he tossed a few t-shirts aside before he made his mind on a black one and tossed it over to me. "Here. You might as well change your clothes into something more comfortable if you plan to sleep here."

I caught it, my forehead creased in bafflement and my cheeks flaming at the thought of wearing his clothes. There was something to the action that suggested an intimate relationship between us, which was basically nonexistent. 

Michael searched for a pair of shorts. They were too big for me, even I could tell from where I was before two bright spots appeared on his cheeks. Then, he reached into his drawers once more, grabbing a box and ripped it open. 

"Um, my shorts are too big so I guess you'll have to wear this." He turned around and handed me what he was holding, without looking into my eyes as if he were embarrassed.

When I looked down, my jaw dropped incredulously. It was a pair of boxers, red plaid, with the brand label American Apparel Underwear on the waistband. My face began to burn as well, and my voice came out an octave higher than usual. "Don't you have any other ... " I trailed off uncertainly, too ashamed to even speak of it.

Michael's eyes grew wide for a nanosecond, his lips parting slightly before he wiped away the expression quickly. "What, you prefer Calvin Klein?"

I stared at him in shock and he snickered at my dumbfounded look. "If you wanna sleep in those tight denim shorts, be my guest. I'm pretty sure they're comfy." His sweet voice dripped with heavy sarcasm.

I scowled and rolled my eyes. "I'll take the underwear."

He smirked in mockery and amusement - which infuriated me obscurely - and began to hum what my ears registered as She Looks So Perfect by 500 Years of Winter as he left the room. I could only stare numbly after him, the words he had exchanged with Drew earlier echoing in my head.

*

A few minutes passed by before I made up my mind to change out of my clothes, dragging inebriated self from the comfort of his bed. My head swam the moment I uneasily stood up but the sensation disappeared when I took deep breaths.

The t-shirt he asked me to wear advertised the white outline of an umbrella with four raindrops in its shades falling. When I had spread it out on his bed before taking off my clothes, my heart stopped at the recognition of the logo. I had been utterly shocked that he had chosen this, out of all the shirts he could've given.

Briefly I considered swapping it with another of his but decided against it. Besides, it was Bring Me The Horizon anyway. One of my favorite bands. It would be a crime to deny myself. 

Slipping into it, the shirt came just halfway down my thighs and the fabric smelled just like him.

A dull ached formed in my chest as I placed his boxers on and drank the water he brought me as I thought of how to thank him. How I could make it up to him. Then the unwelcome memory of him severing ties between us returned to my head, as if a nagging reminder that he would not care what would happen to me next.

"Besides, she hates me anyway." Those words rang in my head, which clicked appropriately with the unpleasant memory.

I bit my lip, wondering if he saw it that way. I resented him, yes, but I didn't think it extended towards hatred. The ache began to throb painfully and I had to stop.

Suddenly, an idea came to me, an epiphany, and I found myself hastily finishing off my drink and hurrying out of the room.

*

I was so caught up in my head when I dashed down the stairs, flushed and wild, that I didn't hear the anxious conversations exchanged until I reached the hallway between the living room and the kitchen.

I froze, momentarily startled by the noise. My heart began to hammer quickly as I crept forward, craning my head to glance around. 

The living room, where Luke, Calum and Ashton had all congregated when Michael was talking to Drew, was empty. The light from the tv screen showing off the screen of some video game flickered, washing the room with a multitude of colors.

Then the sound came, like crockery smashing against a surface, to my right. Jerking my gaze in its direction, I saw them.

Luke, Calum and Ashton were hovering around a small table, possibly where the Cliffords had their meals, with genuinely shocked expressions. They didn't see me, for their attention had been arrested by Michael.

Michael seemed very agitated, his blond hair sticking up in random places, green eyes stormy and wild, had thrown plates against the wall. Bits and pieces of his destruction lay shattered on the floor, mingling with few scattered drops of scarlet. 

I realized with a start that some of the shards had cut his feet as he limped over to the boys, defeated and exhausted from his red-faced anger. "What have I done wrong?" He asked, so quietly I barely heard it over the loud roar in my ears.

Michael was trembling, breathing hard, and looked on the verge of tears. "Tell me." He said when the boys quickly made him sit down, tending to his wounds.

They weren't angry, more like stunned but they possessed a startling presence of mind. Or perhaps they were forced to, given Michael's situation.

"You've done nothing wrong." Luke assured, gently removing the shards from Michael. His friend winced in pain as Luke disinfected the area and put ointment on it. "It isn't your fault that she went to the party."

Michael bit his lip, squeezing his eyes shut. Moisture gleamed on the sides of his face as he managed to regulate his erratic breathing. "Then why did she do it? What drove her to drink?"

Calum shrugged, even though Michael couldn't see him and spoke. "Maybe someone dared her to take shots."

"She was alone." Michael's voice was lifeless and uninflected, which was startling. "Her friends weren't with her. I saw as much when I was with her and from the texts they sent her."

Ashton uncrossed his arms uneasily, passing Luke the Band-Aids. "Michael, stop blaming yourself. Things happen."

"Ashton, things happen for a reason!" Michael's green eyes flew open into a glare as sharp as daggers and his voice rose to a shout. "I could've been the reason! I've seen how upset she has been following the day I broke it off with her! And yet I couldn't do anything to relieve the pain because it wouldn't be fair to her!"

"So what do you think is fair for her?" Luke's eyes blazed for a moment.

Michael's lips folded upon themselves into a line, like a slash of chalk over his mouth and thinly veiled rage flared in his expression before it died away into helplessness. "That I didn't come here at all. Because she doesn't want me here, not anymore."

I could only stare at him in stunned silence. I knew I had said nasty things to him but I didn't expect him to take the full blow of it. Immense regret shrouded over my shoulders as its companion, guilt rose in my chest, forcing tears to mist over my vision.

He stood up, biting his lip. "I'm sure it's because of me. Who could hurt her in the way I can?"

His best friends were silent, unmoving as Michael sniffled, wiping the back of his hand over his red nose. "After everything that happened with --" He choked up and the boys, with heartbroken expressions, surrounded him into a supporting embrace. "I can't believe I'm seeing this fucking shit happen again."

Catching Michael this way, I felt like every breath I took was like inhaling powdered glass, cutting my from the inside out. I bit my lip, wondering how I could be capable of causing this much pain and backed away silently.

But I stepped on a loose floorboard, the creak giving away my presence mutinously in response. My heart flew and I glanced back in astonishment, gasping softly. And when I quickly turned my gaze back to the kitchen, four pairs of wide eyes were on mine.

It was the green one that stopped me from pretending I had happened to spontaneously wander along and catch them all sandwiching in a hug without a single clue to the destruction that had happened. 

I held my breath, my heart colliding violently in my ribcage as I stiffened, trying to hold back my tears.

Michael, wriggling out of their hold, approached me carefully; he hadn't bothered to wipe away any traces of his previous outburst, which was unusual considering he was very good at doing so. His lips shaped questioning words. "Kaitlyn, what are you --"

"If I'm not welcome here, why make me stay?" I asked, all my emotions cracking my voice raw; interrupting him in mid-sentence before pushing the empty glass to his hands and turning away so he wouldn't see me cry.


	21. Chapter 21

By the time I had entered the room, tears running down my face as I stood in the middle of his room trying to calm myself down in deep but rapid breaths, Michael was right behind me.

Without turning around, I heard myself say, as if in a dream, in a lifeless tone. "If that's how you feel, you should send me back home."

I could feel his presence, both reassuring and stifling. There was a soft click and I swiveled round, catching him in the action of pushing the door closed and locking it. My heart leapt at the thousands of possible reasons why he did that, and was ashamed to admit that a majority of them were in, the very least, inappropriate.

I felt my cheeks warm significantly when he turned around to face me. His green eyes shone at its brightest in this dimly lit room. His expression was carefully neutral, though there was a certain spark in them when he eyed me up and down before meeting my gaze. 

"Why do you think I'd send you home?" Michael asked, in a tone as smooth as velvet but as distant as a star.

I swallowed nervously, glancing around the room. Behind me was his bed and Michael was directly in front of me. What were the chances anyway if that were to happen? I was still a little drunk, alcohol coursing in my veins and my logical thinking at the moment wasn't at its best.

Besides, even he did want it, I was sure, that when I looked at him and remembered the way his touch ignited me, all the little warnings I had drilled in my head and all the walls I put up between us - would be for nothing.

My voice sounded bitter and poisonous. "Because Drew told you to." I said before flitting my gaze away, not wanting to see his reaction. "And she's your girlfriend."

Michael was silent, unmoving before he sighed in resignation. "It's not up to her to make my decisions for me." He countered but in a gentle tone.

I began to feel the tremble traveling up my body, the bitter feeling consuming my thoughts and creating the pressure I had become all too familiar with on the backs of my eyes to become stronger. "She's right, you know." I said quietly. "I'm nothing. And I don't deserve to be near you."

Under normal circumstances in a sober state of mind, I would never have easily revealed how I felt but the alcohol prompted the truth out of me, the way his beautiful green gaze could set me on fire. I couldn't fight against it. It was impossible.

Michael shook his head and started towards me with a purposeful long-legged stride. 

I shrank away, regarding him pleadingly to stop. "You know it's true." Tears slid down my face. "I don't mean anything to you. After everything I've done --"

He was a feet away from me now, a concerned and urgent look crossing his features. "Kai, this isn't you talking, it's the --"

"Shut up, Mikey!" I pushed him away, shaking uncontrollably. "Don't you get it?? Drew's right! I don't deserve to be around you! After everything I've said to spite you, how I've treated you lately and how I've been a bitch to you! I simply CAN'T be around you!" I was shouting at him, my fists clenched at my sides as I released all the pent-up emotions I had been storing all these years.

His lips were parted, his face pale, and his eyes wide with incredulity as if he couldn't believe what words were spouting out from me. I hated that he was looking at me that way as if I were lying about how I felt.

"I want to be near you, Mikey! But I just can't!" I was sobbing, pouring out all of it. "You made it clear yourself and I have only myself to blame! I'm sorry for being so selfish, for pushing you away in my anger when I had only meant for you to understand what it's like for me all these years. How many birthday wishes I used to hope you'd come back till I realized you might never not return. How many nights I've cried at the realization of the possibility you've forgotten about me. I know it's silly and childish but I really wanted you to know how frustrated I feel to be the one staying behind and being the one who's lied to."

Michael blanched visibly, his shoulders stiffening. "Kaitlyn." He began placatingly. "I know I said we were leaving in a week but then Dad's boss had a change of plans and put us in the flight three days ahead of the original departure."

I bit my lip, taking small and shallow breaths. "You didn't even tell me. You should have." I glanced upwards at him through tear-misted eyes. 

"I didn't want to." He said softly. "I saw how you felt about it when I told you and I didn't want to cause any more pain."

"What difference would it make anyway?" I snapped and regretted it when a wounded look flashed across his already contrite features. "Did you even stop to think about how I'd feel?"

"I did!" He shot back, a sudden wave of anger that reddened his face and rose his voice. "I still do! Why do you think I decided to cut it off with you?"

I opened my mouth to answer but nothing came out and besides, it was a rhetorical question, one that was never meant to be answered by me.

"Because I cared!" He shouted, and now I felt what he was feeling when I used him as a verbal punching bag. 

Involuntarily, I shrank back, afraid of the wild look that had overtook his eyes.

"I care about you! If there was anything I could do that would mean the best for you, I'd do it in a heartbeat! That's why I did what I did that day at the greenhouse. Because I couldn't stand being the one to cause you pain."

"And look how well that went!" I volleyed back into his face, wanting very much to hurt him again. "I wouldn't have taken those shots if it weren't for you!"

There was a sharp intake of breath; Michael paled again and was looking at me as if I'd confirmed his worst suspicions. 

And I had.

"M-Me?" He stammered.

As quickly as it had come, the anger dissolved again. Funny how it worked though; one second you could be tearing everything apart and the next you felt raw, numb and desolate. That was how it was like for me at that moment. Like I'd been stripped to the bone. 

"Yes." I replied, wiping my face with the back of my hand. It was no surprise it came away wet with tears. "I wanted to forget you and the things you've done, even if it was just temporary."

"So I was right." He mumbled, thinking I wouldn't hear.

It hit me hard; I had to bite down, hard, on my lower lip not to sob aloud from the pain flaring in my chest. 

Michael lowered his gaze and I caught the strange light shining in them before a streak ran down his face. "I'm sorry." He said, voice cracking. "I thought that putting as much distance away from each other would be best for you."

"But it wasn't."

"You didn't think I regret it?" He asked softly, meeting his wet gaze with mine. My heart contracted painfully in my chest. The look he wore was the sort of expression that could break you in the most exquisite ways without even trying.

I considered my reply. "I don't know."

He sighed, running fingers through his messy hair and wiping away his tears before nearing me, as if his proximity could console the fact that both of us had been dead wrong about each other. 

"Still." I protested, wanting to lean against him, to feel my cheek on his chest and to have the safe and warm sensation to bubble in my in his arms, but held onto my resolve not to. "It would've hurt less if you told me the truth. Maybe I wouldn't be so mad at you now." I whispered, striking a sore spot.

He winced, bringing his lower lip in between his teeth and inhaled sharply. "I know." He replied, and that was all there is.

There were only a few inches of space between us, enough distance that I could wrap my arms around him without reaching out too far and close enough that he could lean forward and kiss me if he wanted to.

But I didn't touch him and neither did he. We simply stared into each other's eyes, watching emotions roil in conflict under those glasslike expressions. I could see the reflection, a tiny image of myself in his dilated pupils and I was sure he could see himself too.

It was then when the tension between us had snapped, breaking our fraying resolve and electrifying our nerves. It was then when we finally did it.

When I had stood on my tiptoes and reached out to wrap my arms around his neck and when he had fluttered his eyes shut, leaned forward and brought his mouth to mine, easing away all our fractured beings into a whole.


	22. Chapter 22

Those feelings - the quick fluttering in my chest, the warmth engulfing my body, the breathless sensation - that always came when he was around intensified as he pressed his mouth to mine gently. My knees gave way and I could only hold myself up with sheer willpower and my arms around his neck.

Michael's hand wound through my hair while the other slid down to the small of my back where it rested, the pressure of it trailing goosebumps in its wake. 

"Mikey." I heard myself sigh softly against him as he parted my lips with his, the taste of him spreading on my tongue as he entered. Immediately, like a reflex, I pulled him closer to me, wanting more.

Michael gasped, but only briefly, smirking that crooked smirk of his as a small amused yet appreciative sound emanated from the back of his throat. His hands slid downwards until it rested above my bum.

I felt my cheeks burn and the hot blooming feeling of desire bubbling in my chest as he licked my lower lip teasingly, bringing his teeth down into a playful nibble.

Two can play that game.

My fingers curled in his soft hair; I tugged gently, knowing the effect it had on Michael. 

"Fuck." He released a soft moan in his deliciously raspy voice, accent thick with desire. "Kaitlyn."

Our kisses became deeper and tangled, the air around us becoming hot with passion. I barely noticed that we were on his bed now, the sweet scent of cinnamon engulfing my senses. Michael was hovering above me, his hands snaking under the hem of my t-shirt - his BMTH t-shirt I was wearing - cold fingers touching my warm skin.

I shivered against him, partly from his touch and partly from the excitement and made a small whimper as he traced patterns, light as butterfly wings. The aching in the pit of my stomach intensified as he lowered his lips to my neck, right on my sweet spot and nibbled it, grinning as I moaned his name and tugged his hair in response.

Only Michael could make me feel this way, sparking the conflagration of desire in my veins where his touch lingered. My heart told me this was right, to feel this way.

I wound my fingers through his fair hair, whimpering softly as he continued his slow, exquisite torture, loving the effect he had on me when suddenly, I felt his body stiffen against mine.

In a split second, words echoed in my mind. How can you feel this way when you have someone else?

It was that very moment when Michael sprung away from me to the end of the bed. My eyes flew open as I sucked in a breath, staring at him in shock.

His pupils had swallowed most of the green in his eyes. His cheeks were painted with a hectic high color, flushed. He was staring at me, with a mixture of hurt, sorrow and horror.

My lips parted, still tingling from the kiss earlier. "What --"

"Kaitlyn." Michael sounded pained, his expression wearing guilt all over. "I'm so sorry; I shouldn't have pushed this in you at a time like this."

I frowned but I knew what he meant. "You weren't pushing me." My voice sounded tinny and breathless.

He raked fingers through his already wildly tousled hair anxiously. "Kai, I think you're still drunk." He said, as if that summed everything up. And it did.

A stab of hurt shot through my chest. "I'm fine." I lied, crawling towards him. "Mikey."

He flinched away from me, and the hurt in my chest flared, cutting off my breath. His gaze was wide, shining with tears, as he shook his head. "I can't do this to you."

"Why?" I demanded, barely realizing his spoiled and bratty I sounded. Hot frustration began to bubble, searing my nerves.

"You know why." He said quietly. Somehow, in that tone, it angered me even more.

Struggling to keep my cool, I tried to meet his eyes but they were averted from mine. I bit my lip, ignoring the urge to scream. "I want you, Mikey."

There was a sharp intake of breath as he started at my words, his gaze finally meeting mine. His lips, pink and swollen earlier, were parted as he paled.

I regarded him silently and pleadingly. At the part of my untouched, sober mind, a voice scoffed derisively at me.

Do you have any idea how pathetic and desperate you are giving him that look?

I broke off my gaze, feeling tears splash down my cheeks. I sensed Michael shift uncomfortably as I quickly wiped the them away, sniffing. "I'm sorry Mikey." I said, biting hard on my lip till the coppery taste of blood sprung in my mouth.

"Kai --"

"I guess Drew was right when she said I'm a slut." The words rolled off my tongue, cutting me on the way out. I swallowed, squeezing my eyes shut. I didn't want to look at him now, knowing it would just reopen my wounds again.

His arms enveloped around me, his face burying in my hair. "Kaitlyn, you're not a slut --"

"Stop it Mikey!" I squirmed out of his hold, feeling as if it was choking me, both physically and emotionally. "Just stop defending me already!" I was shouting at him, pushing him away from me as tears ran down my face in warm streaks.

He simply stared at me, with that pained yet surprised look of his, as if he were incredulously hurt by my outburst.

"Please." I shook my head, shifting towards a contrite tone. "Just leave it."

Michael hesitated, lower lip trembling. He looked as if he wanted to say something but couldn't bring himself to. With a sigh, he slid off his bed, seeming defeated.

"Is there something wrong with me?" I asked, wiping away my tears furiously.

"No." He said, glancing at me. The expression he wore tore my heart into pieces. "Nothing's wrong with you. Everything else is."

I stared at him, understanding yet confused at the same time as I watched him walk away from me, exiting the room quietly. The tears came again and I began to hate myself for bringing all these disasters upon myself.

Lying back on his bed as I stared up at the ceiling, I let sleep overtake me, somehow wishing I didn't have to wake up to cause the same pain over and over again.

*

I awoke from fitful dreams, feeling even more exhausted than I was before falling asleep. The bed was too warm so I kicked the covers away, relieved to feel cool air on my legs. Slowly, I sat up, running fingers through my tangled hair.

I had half-hoped that I'd forgotten what had transpired between Michael and I but no such luck. However, I couldn't really remember how I got here, or what I had happened to me after drinking shots. There were fuzzy details as to how I got here and how I ended up wearing Michael's clothes.

Sighing with defeat after trying to wrack my brains to retrieve the lost memories, I got a throbbing ache in my head instead and made my way out of the room downstairs to grab a glass of water.

In the hallway, I glanced in the living room, wondering if I could see Michael anywhere. Soft music was floating down but it didn't come from here. A faint blue illumination from the tv screen left on casted a weird light on the room. The coffee table was littered with soda bottles and crisp packets amongst magazines. I tiptoed inside, looking at the long lanky bodies sprawled on the sofa.

Luke was sleeping on the armchair to my right, hugging a penguin plushie, features peaceful and angelic while his blond hair stuck up in odd places. 

Calum was curled up in the couch in front of me, a blanket drawn over his body and his arm half covering his face. "History homework ... this Wednesday." He muttered in his sleep, his left foot sticking out of the blanket twitched once. 

Ashton was swaddled in his sleeping bag on the floor, snoring his head off. Biting back a smile, I placed my hand under his chin and closed his open mouth. They looked awfully cute asleep, like puppies.

But I had someone else in mind. Wandering further down the hallway, I stopped short before the kitchen, peeking inside. My heart contracted in my chest.

On the counter was Michael, looking drawn as he sat on the counter strumming away on his guitar. In this light, I could see the shadows encircling his eyes, the way his blond hair hung limply from his head over his eyes in messy mop. His posture was slumped in his seat.

But his voice?

It was at odds with his appearance. He didn't seem to notice me as he sang - his eyes were closed - and yet, I felt like he knew I was there.

"She's got a boyfriend anyway."

I took a small step backwards, my breath catching in my throat from shock. Partly because of the truth in those lyrics but also because it was, somehow, one of my favorite songs (and this was a guilty confession).

"Now we're on the bed in my room  
And I'm about to fill his shoes  
But you say no   
you say no  
Does he take care of you?  
Or could I easily fill his shoes?  
But you say no  
You say no."

It wasn't that I said no, but I guess circumstances had forced its way between us.

And all too soon, he stopped singing, still not looking in my direction. I was barely surprised at all when he spoke. "Kai, you can stop staring at me now."

I swallowed, and was nearly tempted to pretend I hadn't heard him sing before dropping the idea. I made my way to the sink, trying to ignore his burning presence and grabbed a glass, filling it with water.

"Hey." My voice sounded croaky and horrible; I winced almost imperceptibly. Sensing something, I turned around, finding his gaze on mine.

"Hi." He said carefully, though in an uninflected tone.

I bit my lip, taking a sip of water. My stomach fluttered with nerves. "Why aren't you sleeping?"

Michael shrugged in what was supposed to be a careless gesture had it not been for the tightness in the action that made it otherwise. "Can't." He replied flatly.

I nodded, ignoring the three stabs in my chest: disappointment, guilt and hurt. "Ok."

Michael fell silent, his finger hovering over the guitar strings and frets uncertainly. His expression seemed conflicted, as if there was a question aching to escape but he couldn't bring himself to free it. My gaze drifted to his wrists and surprise jolted through me.

"No bracelets." I pointed out. 

He glanced at me; there was a look of warning there. "Yes."

"Why do you always wear them?" I asked, walking towards the counter to sit beside me. I saw his body tense as he watched me from the corner of his eyes, features molding into impassiveness.

"Why do you want to know?" He shot back, but softly, which was worse than him yelling at me.

I shrugged, setting my glass on the counter. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

Suddenly, his hand closed on my wrist. I gasped, my gaze widening with surprise as his touch sent little sparks of electricity down me body. I glanced at him hurriedly before being locked in alarm at the sight of his green glasslike eyes. 

There was something trapped behind them, like a flicker of flame behind a wall of ice.

"W-What is it?" I stammered, a flush spreading across my cheeks.

He regarded his hands for a heartbeat before holding his wrist out to me, turning his face away from me as he did. I frowned before I looked down and my breath was cut off.

His skin was pale, with blue traceries of veins under the surface but that wasn't what that had alarmed me: it was the silvery ragged ridges of neat lines on his wrist.

My heart constricted painfully in my chest as I ran my finger over the marks, fascinated yet horrified. "What are these?" I asked, even though I knew the answer.

"The scars of my past." Michael answered in the same uninflected voice but there was an undertone to it, as if a hidden emotion struggling to break free. Then his eyes met mine, and I felt pieces of me shatter away into insignificance.

"These marks are the parts of me you don't know."


	23. Chapter 23

"Kai, get some sleep." Michael said, the drawl in his raspy voice thickening his accent. He was sitting on his computer chair which was pulled up so that he was sitting across the bed.

I made no attempt to reply, instead stare at him for a little longer. I could tell he was doing his best to keep his eyes open, not because he didn't want to lose the staring contest (which he was unaware of) but because sleep was taking him over. I didn't know why he didn't to fall asleep in my presence.

So I asked him.

"Why don't you turn in?"

He gave me the evil eye. "I would, if you weren't in bed." He said, rolling his eyes.

I bit my lip, somehow offended. Pulling myself up into a sitting position I gestured. "I'll sleep on the floor." I offered without a second thought.

His eyes practically bugged out, jaw dropping in surprise. "Absolutely not." He protested, his volume rising a little due to shock.

"Then where are you going to sleep?" I asked, curiously. "Because I doubt there's much room in the living room and you seem to be particularly fond of that chair."

He scoffed incredulously, as if he couldn't believe we were having this conversation or the fact that I was working myself this late over him. "Don't worry about me."

I didn't know why I even bothered. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he seemed desperately in need of sleep or something else entirely that prompted me to care. Either way, I remained stubborn. "Mikey." I said, looking straight into his eyes.

His resolve wavered; I could tell from the hesitant way he met my gaze and the nervous biting of his lower lip. "I don't need to sleep."

After a few heartbeats of the tenuous exchange, I shifted to make space. "I won't sleep unless you do." I said firmly, throwing an ultimatum. There was no way I was going to let Michael exhaust himself for nothing; it wouldn't do him any good.

Michael's annoyed expression changed into bafflement for a nanosecond before he wiped it away. "If you insist." He mumbled in an indifferent tone that would had convinced me had it not been for the slight quaver in his voice.

I laid back against the bed, closing my eyes as I tried to steady my rapid heartbeat. After much shuffling around, I felt the mattress sag slightly with a new weight and my left side became warmer. My heart immediately decided to pound hard against my chest for no apparent logical reason. 

"Good night." I attempted.

I heard Michael snort softly in reply; other than that, he didn't say anything. Not knowing what to do, I opened my eyes, and found everything pitch-dark. I sucked in a small breath, biting down hard on my lip. 

Immediately I was beginning to feel as if the shadows in the room might leap out at me. I knew it was ridiculous, at the age of 15, to still have the childish nyctophobia. I didn't want to bother Michael, nor could I fall asleep.

Letting out a small sigh, I decided to think of happy thoughts, but most of them were shared with the boy who was sleeping beside me. But when I tried to grasp onto the writhing emotions, all I could hold was that wistful longing that made me hurt inside.

"Kaitlyn?" It was soft, barely above a whisper but it spoke volumes to my ears. Suddenly alert, I faced to my left, which was where Michael was laying.

"Yea?" I replied, sounding almost breathless.

"Are you still afraid of the dark?" Michael asked with a hint of concern.

A small emotion, one I did not quite know, bloomed in my chest. "Um ... I guess." I said, after an awkward pause.

I felt the covers shift and was obscurely aware of his eyes on mine. I swallowed back my rising nerves, inwardly telling myself to calm down.

The thing was, I couldn't. I never could around him. It was as if my mind's control over myself had switched off and was replaced by my heart, which wasn't always reliable in situations like this. Not that I had ever been in this situation before.

"Do you want me to switch my lamp --"

"No." I declined. "I'm great."

"Kai." He prompted sternly.

I sighed defeatedly, wringing my fingers under the covers. "Yes. Ok? I still have nyctophobia. Are you gonna tease me now or what?" I snapped, feeling indignant, even though Michael hadn't done anything wrong. "Look, don't worry about me. I try not to think of it."

But the truth was I was thinking about it. That and the fact that Michael had came closer to me.

My body temperature was rising like wildfire. "Um, Mikey?"

"You never really call me that." He hummed and something brushed my hand, pressure light as butterfly wings. Instinctively I knew Michael had done that. Perhaps intentionally, perhaps not. Either way, I had to bite down on my lip, hard, not to scream out for whatever reason.

"I know." I said.

"Why?"

"I honestly don't know. Maybe it's because I feel like it's too personal a name to be calling you that."

"Are you implying that you feel --"

"Yes." I admitted, interrupting him in the process. "I feel like there's so much I don't know about you. I mean, for someone I've spent about half of my life with you're a big puzzle. I'm missing a few pieces so I can't figure you out. Sometimes, you're so friendly and usually at inappropriate times, and the next you're cold and aloof. You're a really complex person, and that intimidates me."

"I intimidate you?" Surprise and incredulity was evident in his tone. "Is that how you feel when you're with me?"

"Well." I hesitated. "It's not you. It's me. I just feel so conflicted around you. Like I don't know which way my emotions are going. I keep trying to rein them in, for my sake but they always find a way to break free."

Michael chuckled softly. "I noticed something."

"What?" I turned to my side so that I was facing him.

"You're afraid of the dark, and yet, you're more open in it. How ironic." Amusement could be heard in his voice.

I made a stifled sound, embarrassed. "There's that."

Silence followed before I broke it again. "Mikey?"

"Yea?"

"You haven't told me about yourself."

Michael sighed, almost irritably. "What's there to say about myself?"

Remembering the light brush against my hand, I reached out, using my instincts to guide me, and my skin met his. Sparks seemed to fly under the sheets at our contact as my fingers touched his scars.

I barely heard him suck in a startled breath. "About these, maybe? Or why you had an anxiety attack that day - yes I know the symptoms, my Dad's a doctor. Or you could tell me what it was like in Perth? Or the neighborhood you lived. Or the kids at school in Perth. Or your first kiss. Or --" I broke off, feeling as if I was pushing it. I was probably scaring the poor guy off and was guilty about it.

"I'll tell you about my scars some other time. And my ... condition." He hedged around my suggestions. "Sadly, I didn't like Perth as much as my parents had thought, because I felt like it was lacking something. The neighborhood where I lived in was a little rough and there was this spot in the park where stoners hung out and smoked weed and whatever. The kids in school were fine but I didn't like them. And my first kiss sucked because the girl - I don't even remember her name - was sloppy and had too much lipstick on."

"Geez what's with the negativity?" I muttered under my breath, discouraged.

"I heard that." He said warningly. Then there was an abrupt pause like he was carefully choosing his next words.

And that scared me. 

"So, how's Perry treating you?"

I scoffed at how mercurial Michael could be sometimes; it was immensely annoying and kinda rude. "Now you're asking me about my boyfriend? I should be asking about your girlfriend." I shot back.

He ignored my comment, and it was probably for the best too. "I mean I honestly would like to know. After all, he is replacing me." It was hard not to notice the undercurrent of something bitter under the indifferent tone he was using.

"He's not replacing you." I protested, wounded that he would think of such.

"Is he treating you right?" Michael asked seriously.

I bit my lip, closing my eyes to contemplate about it. Yes, Perry was, in every manner, a gentleman to me. Sweet, kind and nice though we did argue at times but it was never as intense as the fights Michael and I had. 

But it was missing something.

Something only the boy beside me had.

It was wrong, at least in a logical sense, and I was ashamed of myself. Honestly it made me feel like a wanton person.

"He's everything I want." I forced myself to say, trying my best to convince myself. However, it hurt, badly, instead, like I was choking down on poison that was dissolving me inside out.

Beside me, I felt Michael stiffen. He was silent, so silent, that I felt like punching myself for offending him, even though he shouldn't be offended by such. I guess I had only succeeded in making him believe that Perry was indeed his replacement when, in fact, Michael was irreplaceable. 

"So, he's like your first boyfriend?" Michael broke the silence. It was an effort, I noticed, to act like he didn't care. But he did. It was obvious in the way his voice shook at the end.

"Yes." I said but somehow, I didn't believe myself.

He exhaled, wearily. "So I guess I don't have to ask whether he's your first kiss."

I was taken by surprise, unable to decide whether to voice the truth or keep up the facade. I didn't want to lie to him but at the same time I wanted to spare him from any more stuff that might hurt his feelings. Speechless, I let out a breath. My insides began to burn, my throat closed up and my blood pounded in my ears.

The truth would set me free, right? I mean, nobody could ever keep a lie a secret so why bother? Just tell him. A tiny voice reasoned.

As if in a dream, words found their way out against my volition. "No." I tried to stop myself but the wave was unstoppable.

I felt the covers shift and I knew he was looking at me, albeit questioningly.

"Perry wasn't my first kiss. You were."


	24. Chapter 24

"Are you shitting me?" Wendy asked with wide brown eyes, managing to sound horrified and awed at the same time. "You spent the night at Michael's place?"

My heartbeat kicked itself to a pace about three times faster than usual at the mention of his name. "Shh!" I hissed, thwacking her with my History worksheet. "Even the walls have ears."

"I don't care if the walls have ears." She whispered sharply before glancing around furtively about the library, the action belying her words; nobody appeared to be listening in to our conversation. They were either engrossed with their own affairs or sleeping. She turned back to face me with a worried expression upon her pretty features.

"Why would you do that?"

I bit my lip, shaking my head. "I was drunk, ok? And my emotions had been way off last week."

"Why so?" Wendy frowned in bafflement and I forgot I hadn't told her about Michael declaring our friendship unsalvageable that had left me worse.

So I told her, in a very brief sentence. "He decided that we couldn't be friends."

Her jaw dropped. "Why?"

"I don't know." I said in frustration, running fingers through my hair even though I knew the answer to that. I just didn't feel like voicing it out. Besides, it would make me feel even more wounded. 

After I had told Michael he was my first kiss, it was like we were in two separate rooms and the door between us had slammed shut and locked itself, unable to be opened. I thought that maybe he had fallen silent after the truth bomb because he wanted to think about it but fell asleep while he was at it; it was pretty late at that time.

However, Michael had became closed off in the morning, not looking at me the whole time at breakfast, not talking to me as we walked me home and left without a word. It was as if my confession had angered him even more though the reason for that I didn't know.

Even though it had been a day since then, I still felt utterly bothered and frustrated. I didn't understand him at all! One moment he was opening up to me and the next he's gone.

"As your best friend." Wendy broke into my thoughts with a solemn voice. "I am deeply offended you chose him to look after you."

"It wasn't a logical decision!" I protested, a bit too loudly - interrupting the peaceful silence of the library and the librarian shot me an accusing glare. "I wasn't in the right state of mind."

"Mhm." Wendy deadpanned.

"And he was my best friend too."

"Emphasis on was." Wendy expressed seriously. I paused to ponder whether she was jealous or not but her expression denied all notions of that possibility. 

"Kaitlyn, both you and Michael have been separated for years without contact." Wendy reasoned. "Who knows what kind of person he is now?"

She was right.

"And how could you trust him? I mean, he could've been the asshole who takes advantage of weak-willed - not that you're that kind of girl -- Ow!" She flinched when I shoved her, hard enough to make her lose her balance on the chair.

"He's not that kind of boy." I protested, quietly, as the memory of Michael holding himself back that night flashed in my mind.

"He might as well be, since he's dating Drew. I mean, all guys who date Drew are jerks." She said, not kindly.

That was it. My patience had frayed at that insult, my anger boiling my blood when freed and I swiveled a white hot glare at her. She flinched away from me in shock.

"Mikey isn't a that kind of jerk. Just because he's with Drew doesn't mean he's a fuckboy." I snapped. "You just don't know him."

"And do you?" She replied in a calm tone. "Do you know who he really is? Do you know what he really wants? What's to say if he isn't just using you?"

I stared at her in utter shock, lips parted in absolute disbelief at how she could pierce me where it hurt the most. I opened my mouth to answer in anger, ready to shoot bullets but stopped when I realized I was about to blow up on my best friend. 

Wendy wore that look about her, a genuine worry etched onto her features and her tiny frown that often showed when she was apprehensive. The hot wave receded as quickly as it had come and I felt the sudden burst draining my energy as it left.

"You're right." I whispered, looking down at my hands in shame. My eyes began to sting from pressure of oncoming tears of frustration. "Shit, Perry's so gonna kill me if he finds out --"

"If he finds out." Wendy echoed. "Kaitlyn, what is this Michael kid to you?" She asked, this time quietly and with more patience. "I know the both of you had some kind of history back when you were kids but what do you see in him now?"

I couldn't reply to her for nothing occurred to my mind. 

At least not there.

My heart pulsed with the answers, its own rhythm the solution to the riddle. But I could not voice them for they had the tendency to conflict with one another. I wanted Michael around but it was like putting myself near an open flame.

Sure it would keep me warm but if I got too close, it would burn me.

"I honestly don't care." I said instead. And those tiny pinpricks of the dull ache flared into a heavy stab. Burdensome guilt lay itself across my shoulders.

Wendy, who was an expert at reading people, folded her lips into a thin white line but said nothing. "What is he like when he's around you?"

The answer popped up in my head. I let out a nervous chuckle, shaking my head as thoughts of him filled my head, those little things that made me smile.

How was I even able to do this?

But before I could say anything, Wendy straightened abruptly, her gaze locking on something behind me like a hound on its target, her posture erecting like a soldier in the presence of his senior. 

I was about to ask her what was wrong when she whispered through the side of her mouth. "He's here."

"Who's here?" I echoed and turned around in my chair, waving off Wendy who had hit my arm in warning.

My heart leapt to my throat at the sight of him and my eyes seized his appearance a little too greedily. 

Today he was putting away his bad boy look, for the first time which surprised me, in favor of a gamer boy look. He had tucked his unruly tousled hair into a League Of Legends beanie, leaving his blond fringe out to sweep over his forehead. Wrapped up in a comfy hoodie, a plain gray t-shirt without any band motifs and regular dark-washed skinny jeans paired with sneakers, he appeared more laid-back and more like a regular guy. 

Except regular guys didn't get my heart racing like I had just ran a marathon.

Michael ignored me completely, perhaps because of the fact that Luke was going on animatedly about Geometry or something as they picked a table few feet away from ours. Either that, or his opinion of me had changed.

Biting my lip as I pushed past the tiny stab of hurt, I glanced at Wendy who was staring at me. I was caught off-guard. "What?"

Wendy hesitated, her brown eyes shifting from mine to Michael as a million thoughts flitted past her expression. "There's something going on the both of you, isn't it?" She began.

I was about to protest but she held up a hand to stop me. Slowly, she shook her head. Her features were an unreadable mask and it frightened me so for I had seen this sort of look before in someone else's face. 

"Whatever it is you're doing, I hope you understand what the it might bring upon you." Then she gathered her belongings, without looking at me, and left.

As if on cue, Luke patted Michael's shoulder before he got up and disappeared into the rows of shelves in the library.

It was hard not to think about the distance between Michael and I. The space was beginning to burn into my thoughts, turning my urge to stay away to become the desire to sit beside him. There was just so many things I wanted to say to him but he didn't appear as if he was in any mood to talk to me.

I stole a sidelong glance at him and caught him scribbling away in a black notebook, occasionally pausing to think and scratching away the page with his pen. His face was a mask of deep thought and concentration, though there was some sort of emotion beneath the expression.

He didn't even so much as glance at me, though I was sure the evidence of the weight of my gaze on him was palpably obvious.

Then I realized.

If I wanted to make this work, I had to do my part as well.

He had done his part, reaching out to me but I had spurned his hand away many times. But at what cost?

I was angry and now that I regretted it, perhaps it was time I did the reaching out.

If I failed, at least I could bear the thought that I had tried.

My mind was whirring, with flashes of warning but those were drowned out by the determination pushing me forward step by step. And finally I found myself before him.

Slowly, his head raised up and his beautiful gray-green eyes, empty and glasslike, ensnared me in place.


	25. Chapter 25

In that moment, the reality of the world faded away to a blur as we regarded each other in silence. The roar of my blood in my ears were deafening and as my heart pounded hard all the things I had meant to say evaporated.

Michael didn't utter a word either, remaining stoic. His hand was covering the page he had been scribbling on before he exhaled, closing it. Then he looked me up and down.

"Hi." I found my voice at last, though it sounded breathless and a few octaves higher. I snapped my mouth shut before shifting on my feet uncomfortably. I was unable to keep my eyes on him and even if I wasn't looking at him, his eyes were smothering me with all my anxiety.

"Hey." He said without inflection.

"Do you mind if I --" I broke off, glancing at the seat across his for permission.

Michael shrugged, his expression impassive. His behavior wasn't at all assuring, confirming that he was indeed avoiding me. It hurt even more.

Suppressing my screaming nerves, I sat down across him and tried to meet his eyes.

It was just so awkward.

I bit my lip and leaned forward a little. Out of options, I did what I thought could get his attention.

"Mikey?"

Michael looked at me once again. His impassive expression crumbled into confusion then uncertainty. "What ... is it?" 

His reaction, for some reason, fueled me forward to voice my thoughts to him and get the burdensome weight that had settled on my shoulders off. "I want to get things straight." I said.

Michael didn't so much as bat an eyelid, instead continued to stare at me with the same baffled expression.

I inhaled, steeling my nerves. "I haven't thanked you properly for looking after me that night and I'd like to apologize for my behavior. I didn't mean to act like a silly impulsive kid and get you into trouble with Drew --"

"Drew?" Michael appeared to have regained the ability to speak. There was a faint trace of amusement beneath the volume of surprise. "What does she have anything to do?"

It was my turn to be bewildered. "But." I began then stopped before glancing around for any signs of her trolls. I noticed, detachedly, Luke wasn't back yet and wondered what he was doing. Turning my attention back to him, I cleared my dry throat and realized with a start that he was regarding me with an unreadable amount of emotions flickering past his green eyes.

"Isn't she your girlfriend?" My tone diminished to barely above a whisper as a bitter feeling sank in my chest.

Michael pressed his lips together into a thin white line and let his gaze fall onto his open notebook. With a decisive sigh, he tore the page he had been scribbling on off without any hesitation.

The sudden noise made me cringe in my seat. I watched as he crumpled it into a ball and placed it beside the notebook before resuming the conversation. "It's complicated." He admitted ruefully.

I was about to ask him to elaborate but then I reminded myself it was better not to pry. Besides, officially we weren't friends anymore and nor would we continue this friendship unless one of us spurred the idea forward - obviously it couldn't be him since he had done enough.

"I'm sorry for being a total bitch to you ever since day one." I said, swallowing painfully past the hard lump in my throat. "I'm sorry I projected all my negative emotions --"

"Kaitlyn." He interrupted me with a weak chuckle as he took his beanie off, his soft blond hair fluffing out and ran his fingers through them. He was biting his lip in the oddest manner. "You told me all this that night after the party."

I stared at him. "I did?" My recollection of what had happened was dim, and when I tried to grasp onto them, only vivid yet irrelevant details were caught such as the loud trenchant voices, the crying, the smell of his bedsheets and the warmth of another body beside mine. I focused harder and felt myself blush when the memory of tangled kisses came forth.

Michael nodded and clasped his hands before him on the table. "You told me a lot."

"I --" My cheeks began to burn even more. "How much did I say?"

He shrugged. "A lot."

At this rate, I was sure I was going to spontaneously combust. "W-Well, I meant everything I said, even if I can't remember what I did say." 

A small smirk of amusement played across his lips, sending a warmth rushing in my chest and easing back my singing nerves.

"What's with that smile?" I demanded, temporarily exasperated he had the audacity to be laughing at me at a serious time like this.

"What smile?" He asked, wearing innocent expression. "I have no idea what you're talking about." Michael said, with a playful tone, casually twirling his pen with his spatulate fingers.

And just like that, it clicked. Like somebody had flipped the reset button and I was back to where I should've been in the first place.

"Mikey." I blushed hard, averting my face from his view so he wouldn't see that my face was splitting into a grin from the tone he had used.

And right at that moment, I saw a glimpse of a smirk I hadn't seen in years curling his soft lips upwards and making his green glasslike eyes light up.

It was a long time since I had last saw that.

It was the same smirk he wore just a week before he left for Perth.

"I've been thinking." Michael said aloud as we did homework together in my living room, putting his pencil down with an earnest expression on his face.

Not pausing to glance at him, I continued to write on my worksheet. "Mm?" I made a distracted noise.

I heard him snort in annoyance and felt him tap my shoulder. "Kai, I'm talking here." He stated in a peremptory tone.

"Sure."

"I'm being serious here."

"Yea I know, Mikey."

"Kai."

"I'm listening." I looked up long enough to glare at him. "What is it?"

"Stop writing." He complained, pouting petulantly. "I don't like it if you're not looking at me while I'm talking. It's like you're not listening to me."

Despite his whining, I felt my mouth curve upwards in amusement. "You sound like a baby."

"I'm not." Michael protested though high color flooded his cheeks. "I'm 10. That's older than a baby. By 10 years if I'm not mistaken."

"So what is it that's so important to say?" I sighed.

Finally having my attention, he grinned with a boyish sort of glee, straightening himself up and puffing his chest. "I'm in love."

I stared at him in utter incredulity, slack-jawed and wide-eyed. "You're only 10 Mikey!" I exclaimed, voice shooting up a few octaves.

Michael rolled his eyes irritably as if I were dumb. "I know, that's what I said earlier. And if I remember correctly you were at my birthday party when --"

"No no!" I shook my head so fast that I was seeing multiple Michaels. "You're so still so young!"

At that, he smirked, the sort that made me feel embarrassed all over. "Who says I can't be in love?" 

It was in the way he spoke that convinced me what he had just admitted was true.

With some effort, I pulled myself out of my reverie, shaking my head. "Stop it." I said, blushing indignantly. "I had a whole apology speech planned and you made me forget it." I scowled.

Michael leaned back in his seat, biting hard on his lip in an attempt not to laugh in my face. "You didn't make any sense with that 'I don't remember everything I said but I mean everything I said' --" He broke off, snickering with his eyes shut. 

I crossed my arms and rolled my eyes, pushing back my urge to smile along because I was supposed to be mad at him for interrupting me.

"Kai, what the fuck." He stopped himself short but was still grinning like an idiot.

I snorted and nudged his foot hard under the table. "Don't laugh at me. I really meant it." I said, pressing my lips together so that I wouldn't catch his smiley bug. 

Michael shook his head in amusement at me, nudging my foot back. "Ok sure."

He wasn't supposed to be laughing. I wasn't supposed to feel embarrassed. We were supposed to be having a heart-to-heart. Not some conversation wherein he laughed at me for being so wound up.

"I came here to ask if we could start again." I stated, finally gathering the courage to look at him. "If we could be friends again."

His expression flickered uneasily as he shifted in his seat. Michael appeared disbelieved by what was coming our from me; he was blinking and frowning, eyes passing over my face to search for any signs that belied my words. 

"You -- What? Are you being serious here?" He asked, quiet drawl loud with surprise.

I nodded. My heart was pounding hard against my ribcage, anticipation and fear creeping up my spine. I was holding my breath, waiting for that moment where his answer would define what would happen next.

Michael drew a shaky inhalation, fiddling with the bracelets on his wrist nervously. "Kaitlyn, it's not that I want to say no."

"You mean it's not that you want to say yes." I said past the hard lump of crushing disappointment in my throat. My eyes began to sting and I had to fight back the sensation for I didn't want to lose my composure and look like I was desperate or anything.

I averted my eyes from his and resolved to stare hard at a random bookshelf in an attempt to stem the oncoming flow. While I was at it, I caught the sight of Luke walking towards our table, engrossed in a book before he glanced up, widened his blue gaze, and made a stiff and abrupt U-turn, much to the confusion of the librarian who was regarding him. 

"Kai." Michael tried to reach forward to touch me but I shrank back.

Dozens of pinpricks impaled themselves into my chest as I moved to get up. "No, it's ok. I understand." I heard myself say in a distant voice, cold and devoid of any emotion. "Sorry for bother you. Thank you for everything." 

Ignoring the bewildered look on Michael's face, I stormed out of the library, feeling crushed that despite my efforts and all, it wasn't enough. Failure hit me hard in my chest as I let tears roll down my face, wounded, as ran down the school hallway with my footsteps echoing in my wake.

I hadn't expected him to turn me down. Then again, I shouldn't have taken him and our friendship for granted. It was stupid and selfish of me to think he'd always extend his hand to me.

I found myself in the bathroom, shaking my head and placing my hands on my hips as words of self-recriminations shouted loudly in my mind. Hot wet streaks rolled down my cheeks, staining my shirt damp.

"What the fuck was that Kaitlyn." I murmured to myself, staring at the ground. "What the fuck." I continued swearing under my breath as frustration and disappointment continued welling up in my chest.

I hadn't heard anything other than my loud thoughts. However, through my tear-misted vision, I caught a flicker of movement at the corner of my sight. Startled, I quickly glanced up, finding someone else regarding me.

Green eyes stared back at mine, full of concern and uncertainty. His lower lip was caught in between his teeth. His fair hair appeared messier than usual, sticking up in more places.

My heart was fluttering like a crazed butterfly but all I could do was stay frozen on the spot, stuck in between lashing out at him and hearing what he wanted to say. The latter won over.

Michael straightened up, took a few long-legged strides until we were inches apart.

I looked up at him, lips pressed tightly together as I fought to stop my tears with sheer willpower; it didn't work.

But when I wanted to wipe them away, Michael's hands were on my face, wiping them for me with his thumbs. The sensation of his skin on mine was electrifying, lighting me up in the way a spark could to tinder. Only his touch could make me feel this way.

Slowly, I curled my fingers around his wrist, gazing into those gray-flecked green irises.

A small smile played on his pink lips, wistful. He spoke softly, in a gentle tone I had never heard him use before. "Like I'd say no to the chance of redemption."


	26. Chapter 26

"You look like you're in an awfully good mood today." My father observed, smiling at me as I fastened my seatbelt at the back of the car beside Liam who was studiously playing Cooking Mama on his Nintendo with killer concentration.

Usually, my brothers would either pick me up from school or I'd walk home but since my father had taken a day off work, he was planning to stay at home and catch up with us.

I shrugged, feeling a little giddy from earlier events that happened, glancing from my father and Jacob who was in the shotgun. "Um, really? I didn't notice." I mumbled, fibbing.

My father looked at me through the mirror, raising one eyebrow skeptically with a knowing grin on his face. His pale gray eyes danced with amusement, laughter lines upon his features deepening, as if he knew a secret that I didn't.

He had his salt-and-pepper hair trimmed a few days ago so now he sported a close-cropped hairstyle. And it was hard not to stare at his _Best Dad In The World_ t-shirt my brothers and I had gotten him on his birthday years ago he was wearing from where I sat.

I stared back, not knowing what to say, either about the shirt or the way my father was smirking at me. "Ok." I said and leaned back in my seat.

There was an awkward silence inflating in the atmosphere. Only the soft music of The 1975 leaked from the car stereo and the sounds of Liam's video game filled the air.

"Why are we still here?" I asked, looking out the car window at the school compound. Students were rushing about to get home or to catch up with friends. I caught the glance of skater boys and my heart leaped in my chest before sinking when I realized Perry wasn't there.

 _Oh God, Perry_. I thought. _Shit, I can't believe I forgot about him_.

I had a lot of explaining to do but we hadn't texted since last Saturday. And what made me even more ashamed was that I hadn't replied his texts.

It was bad enough that I hadn't seen my boyfriend all day when I was busy fretting over a guy whom I had a rocky friendship with.

 _I'm such a bad girlfriend._ I bit my lip and briefly considered getting out of the car for a bit to look for Perry since we weren't going anywhere when I saw Michael.

It was as if he broke out of the sea of students, visible ray of light in darkness. He had his backpack slung over one shoulder, his gamer beanie now slightly askew as he pushed through the crowd, glancing around as if he were looking for something. And then he seemed to have spotted it because he was striding purposefully. Towards the car.

I started, swearing multiple profanities aloud in mind, and whipped my gaze away. I didn't know why but there was a rush taking over me, making my heart pulse like crazy under my ribcage and my blood to burn my cheeks.

"Oh, yea I forgot to tell you Kaitlyn." My father said, engrossed in typing away on his phone for a moment. "Daryl, Mr Clifford, asked me to pick Michael up from school today since he and Karen are busy at work today."

I scowled pointedly at my father, who did not notice, with my cheeks aflame. Out of the corner of my eyes, I caught my brothers shifting in their seats. I did the math and realized Michael would have to sit beside me, shoulder-to-shoulder. Darn my brothers for tagging along.

Then the car door opened, the glare of the sun spilling into the car when Michael's silhouette blocked it. "Hey. Sorry I'm late Mr Redford." He said, before looking at me.

For a microsecond, he wore a purely surprised expression when he noticed I was regarding him too and wiped away traces of it.

"Just call me Matthew." My father stated, turning round to glance at Michael with a smile on his face.

With a slight flush forming on Michael's pale cheeks, he clambered in, sitting beside me and mumbling apologies under his breath. His bare skin brushed against mine as he closed the car door and I felt my heart jump its pace at the brief contact.

As soon as Michael had settled himself, my father began to drive, humming an off-key tune that sounded suspiciously like American Idiot.

"So Michael." Jacob said, turning round in his seat to regard Michael's cool gray-green eyes with his own lambent emerald gaze. "Sup?"

"Couldn't you have picked a better way to say hi to him?" Liam mused aloud though there was no exasperation to his tone.

Jacob, on the other hand, took the offense that hadn't been intended. "Excuse _you_." He scoffed before turning back to the front, possibly to pout petulantly and throw a hissy fit. "Like _you_ can do better." He mumbled.

"Boys." My father said warningly.

Beside me, Michael appeared amused. "Um, I'm great thanks." He said to no one in particular.

"That's good to hear." My father nodded, eyes trained on the road ahead. "So how have things been for you ever since you moved back?" I knew he was being polite and all the question felt obscurely intrusive.

I began to wonder if this was how my father was going to make Michael talk about me. Ever since I was little, my father was fond of Michael ...

Michael chuckled, the hint of nervousness cracking his voice a little. "I honestly have no idea. I guess you could say it was a bit hectic, unpacking and settling in. I can't believe how much this place and the people here I know have changed." He replied smoothly but it was the last comment that drove the arrow home.

I cringed almost imperceptibly, facing away from the boy beside me so he wouldn't see the expression that was an admixture of shame and hurt forming on my features.

Michael's muscles tensed as if sensing something was wrong. His gaze flickered over to mine but I was studiously staring out the window and biting hard on my lower lip. It was brief.

Brief contact.

His knuckles brushed against mine on my thighs, almost in apology but I didn't look at him, instead subtly moving my hand away.

From the corner of my eye, I saw him slouch a little and avert his gaze to his shoes.

My father continued the conversation affably as if there were nothing wrong, to which Michael reciprocated without a hitch. I didn't listen, instead zoned out towards earlier Michael's comment.

I couldn't help but feel hurt but it was true. Unsure and undecided, I closed my eyes and paid attention to Michael's voice, not to his words but the way he spoke; the slight increase in volume and enthusiasm when talking about his hobby which happened to be playing the guitar and video games, the way his drawl was noticeable on certain words and his nervous chuckles.

Though I would have never admitted this aloud, I liked the sound of his voice.

Warmth flooded my cheeks when I heard the mention of my name. I blinked, half in confusion and half in apprehension that somebody had heard my thoughts. "Huh?"

My father sighed, shaking his head. "I asked you if you wanted to talk to Michael for a bit."

"What?" I frowned, glancing to my side. "But he's right --" I broke off when I realized we were already at Michael's driveway and that Michael was making his way towards the front door.

"Took you long enough." Liam commented, and earned a good elbow in the side. "Ow!"

"Um." I replied to my father, ignoring the indignant nudge on the foot from Liam. "I mean, if it's ok." I hummed, feeling my nerves bubble their way upwards to my logical thinking.

My mind recalled the particular detail about my father mentioning that Michael would be home alone for the afternoon. I flushed at the mere thought of being alone with Michael. Who knew what could happen?

Besides, I didn't exactly trust myself around him. I would either hurt his feelings or end up kissing him, both of which would ruin whatever ground between Michael and I.

Or I could end up getting to know him better and patch up our friendship.

Momentarily teetering in indecisiveness, I considered my answer. "Ok fine." I said, undoing my seatbelt.

My father wore the faintest of smiles. "Alright dear but don't take too long and behave yourself, young lady."

A hot flush gathered up my cheeks and painted a lovely high color. "Yes Dad." I mumbled, before getting out of the car. As I glanced back, I caught Jacob and Liam giving me the thumbs-up gesture. I simply glared at them before hurrying towards Michael.

"Hey." I said once I was standing beside him.

He glanced to his side at me whilst he was in the midst of attempting to get the rusty lock open. "Oh, hi." He paused, bringing his lower lip in between his teeth in a momentary for of uncertainty. "Did I leave something in the car?"

I was so close to saying something embarrassing like _Yes, you left me_ but held back at the last moment, thinking it was thoroughly inappropriate, and said instead, "Dad said I could hang out with you for a bit, if you don't mind."

Michael managed to get the stubborn old lock to open, a triumphant smile passing over his features and lighting up his eyes. "Um, sure." He said and held the door open for me. "Ladies first."

I felt myself blush in response before I obliged, entering his house before him. As soon as the front door clicked shut, I couldn't help but look over my shoulder to Michael.

And my heart leapt to my throat in shock when I realized Michael was regarding me.

We flushed at the same time and flitted our gazes away.

Geez why was this starting to feel like the beginning of some cheesy, overused cliched plot?

"Make yourself home." Michael gestured around the house and pointed up. "I'll just put my bag in my room."

"Sure." I said and watched after him as he disappeared up the stairs, the sound of his footsteps receding in volume. After a few quick heartbeats, I headed to the living room and decided to check my phone.

Wendy hadn't bothered to contact me so I suspected she was either very busy today or she was somewhat mad at me.

Cilan didn't leave any texts either, since he never bothered to use his phone.

There were a couple of messages from Perry who wasn't at school today, all of which I hadn't replied since Saturday. Biting down my guilt, I forced myself to read through them, idly wondering if Wendy told him about Michael and whilst hoping she didn't, and typed in a couple of words.

"So Kaitlyn --"

"Fuck!" I jumped, startled, my phone nearly slipping out of my grasp. Whipping around, I squeaked in surprise when I saw Michael, standing a few feet away and looking confused. "Are you half-ninja or something?"

Cocking his head, he shrugged. "I dunno. Mom and Dad always said I have English, German, Scottish and Irish roots besides Australian blood."

I blinked, frowning for a moment. "You used to tell me that when we were kids." I remembered.

He chuckled, running fingers through his fair hair. "I guess so." He grinned. "Speaking of what we used to do, there's some of my old stuff upstairs in the attic I brought from Perth. Haven't cleared through them since my family and I moved here." He regarded me with those green eyes.

It took me a moment to process what he just said. "Oh. You want me to help you out?" I asked, nerves trembling my voice. "Yea, sure."


	27. Chapter 27

"Wow, your mom had this place renovated?" I asked in wonderment, looking around the attic.

It wasn't old, musty-smelling, littered with cobwebs or dark. In fact, it looked like the sort of place you could gather your friends around to hang out. There were windows, a couple of them to allow natural light to spill in but what illuminated the place were those fluorescent lights.

At one corner sat a tv screen with a video game console hooked to it. There was also a small shelf where game titles were arranged neatly. A couple of bean bags lay around the gaming area.

To my right, I saw what I assumed was where Michael mostly spent his free time. A few candy wrappers littered the spot where he had left his guitar, paper balls wadded around and pencils laying about everywhere. There was a cardboard box beside the area, unopened and it appeared as if it had been gathering dust.

"I'm assuming it's that one." I glanced at Michael who was just coming up.

He nodded. "Yea; I brought my cutter since I had that thing sealed before I brought it here." From his pocket, he produced the small stationery.

I stared at it apprehensively as Michael approached the box, long enough for him to notice I wasn't beside him.

"Kaitlyn are you going to --" he realized my eyes were trained on the small metallic blade. Michael paled for a moment before he raised his green eyes to my questioning ones. "I don't do that anymore."

Pressing my lips together, I sat beside him, taking the cutter from his hand. Our fingers brushed, and small sparks flew from the contact, quickening my heartbeat. However, I couldn't afford to show it. "Here, let me do it." I said gently.

Michael watched in silence as I sliced through the tape and opened the box, setting the sharp stationery on the floor after making sure to sheath the blade. When I glanced up to look at him, he was running his broad-ended fingers over his bare wrists where the silvery marks were located.

My heart squeezed apprehensively. "You ok?"

He nodded, folding his lips into a thin white line. "Yea, I'm alright."

There were so many things I wanted to say to him, words coalescing into questions my head but I forced them down; Michael already appeared uncomfortable and I didn't want to add to his insecurity of his scars. Instead, my gaze turned to the contents of the box. "Oh."

Inside, I saw some of his childhood belongings: Danny the stuffed lion, a green colored Gameboy with _Power Rangers_ stickers decorating its surface, his old threadbare, black snapback, his deck of Pokemon cards -

"Remember this?" Michael asked, nerves cracking his casual tone as he leaned over and reached inside before he brought what he was looking for. He placed it in my hands, pressing his lips together.

I glanced up at him from the ibject in my hand - a black notebook -through my lashes, trying to get a read on him. "You kept this?" I could hear the audible surprise in my voice.

He nodded. "Why wouldn't I?" He said softly, regarding me with those beautiful green eyes of his.

I sucked in a small breath as I lifted the cover of the notebook, staring at first page which had crayon stick drawings of a boy - bright yellow tendrils sticking out from his head, green dots for eyes an a lopsided smile - and the girl - long brown lines as hair, orange eyes and a wide grin.

Below those figures were words scrawled in children's' handwriting. _Mikey and Kai's Book of Things To Do_.

I blinked, only realizing my cheeks were wet. I wiped away traces of my tears hastily and flipped the page as memories of many afternoons, a few odd nights, Michael and I had spent together adding our wishes to this book flooded into my head.

_Michael was complaining about how he hated the way his handwriting looked on paper as I watched him push pencils around the table._

_"It's not that bad." I protested._

_His head was ducked as he scribbled away. "I still don't like the way it looks." Michael glanced upwards, frowning. "Even Calum's looks better than this. I hate writing."_

_I rolled my eyes, resting my head on the table as my eyes roamed about my living room in boredom. A thought occurred to me. "Why?" I asked, a crooked grin curving my lips upwards._

_"It's boring." He replied without looking up, filling the air with the sound of pencil scraping against paper._

_"How about we do something fun?" I suggested, sitting up excitedly._

_"I tell you what's fun." He said. "Eating your Mom's brownies as we watch Pokemon." He mumbled and broke off when saw me dash upstairs._

_He was still in the same spot where I had left him with a questioning look upon his features, raised eyebrow and curious green eyes. "What --"_

_"We'll make a book together!" I grinned, handing him a new notebook I had gotten a week earlier. "We can write all the stuff we want to do when we grow up."_

_Michael's face lit up. "Yea that sounds good! But we should put pictures or draw on it so it wouldn't look boring."_

_It took me a moment to process what he said for my attention was arrested by the way the smile curled his lips upwards at the corners._

The wishes we made took a page each, with carefully written words and drawings to represent what we'd do together.

_Become superheroes._

_Get a dog and name it Beanie._

_Run away to Neverland together and meet Peter Pan_.

I was aware of his gaze on me, the warmth seeping from his body onto my skin from his proximity and his sweet cinnamon scent invading my senses. There was a breathless sort of sensation, one that brought thrills to my beating heart and caused it to pulse wildly.

It was a good sort of feeling.

It wasn't long till I reached the last page. Every entry ticked some sort of image in my head, a memory of a smile, laughter or a touch however, the illustration I was staring at did not in any way cause any recollection of us doing this together.

The words etched themselves into my mind.

Live happily together.

There was a drawing of stick representation of Michael and I holding hands with wide smiles on our faces. Out of the corner of my eye, I cut a glance at the boy beside me but his gaze was veiled by his fair lashes, features turned slightly away so that I couldn't see his expression.

The questions were bubbling hotly in my chest, awaiting to be released but hesitation soon whispered in my mind. Maybe it was best if I didn't know. Lifting my hand, I shut the book and set it carefully on the floor before turning to look at him.

"What's wrong Mikey?" I winced at how shrill my voice sounded and cleared my throat.

His gaze flickered for a moment when he pressed his lips together and shook his head. "Nothing." Michael said hoarsely.

I frowned and shifted closer to him. I didn't like it when he kept secrets, not because I was nosy or whatever but because I knew it would eat him up inside. If there was anything I could do to ease his burden, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

And maybe that was why I was so impulsive around him. Maybe it was that feeling inside me that spurred me to act without thinking it through.

But at that moment, I couldn't care whether what I did would leave any consequences.

Reaching out, I wrapped my arms around him, resting my head on his shoulder. The sweet inviting scent of cinnamon from his skin invaded my senses, making blood roar in my ears. I felt his body tense against me before it relaxed immediately.

Michael let out a small breathless exhalation, slightly incredulous, before he placed his hands on my waist and pulled me close to him, burying his face in my neck.

"I'm your best friend, Mikey." I said softly, detachedly surprised by the words that had passed my lips. "I don't like it to see you suffer alone."

"It's my own burden to bear." He replied, lips brushing softly against my skin and created small sparks to fly in my veins.

We didn't speak for a few heartbeats, the quiet soothing yet deafening. I released a small sigh, fluttering my eyes shut.

" _Still_." I prompted, in a gentle manner. "I'd rather we share the load than --"

The sound of someone calling his name from downstairs snapped us out from the moment. We started, hastily untangling ourselves from the warm embrace. Every nerve in my body cried out in protest for being abruptly separated from him. I forced the feeling down, determined not to let it bother me.

Michael was already standing on his feet, green eyes wide and tense. "Stay here." He said, without looking at me.

"Why?" I asked and he flashed me a glare.

"Just stay." He said before exiting through the attic trapdoor using the extendable ladder.

He had only gone for a few moments when curiosity began to choke me with burning impatience. I bit my lip, staring at the square opening with unseeing eyes before my limbs acted before I could think.

On the first floor, I could hear the voice that had called Michael's name earlier and felt my heart constrict painfully in my chest. There was a bitter feeling in my veins as I peered around, trying to catch the sight of Drew and Michael.

The bedroom door that had been left ajar, with sounds of their conversation leaking out got to me and I found myself going down the stairs to get away from it all. My leaving hadn't gone unnoticed for when I had just stepped on the sidewalk to go back home, his hand touched my shoulder from behind.

I jumped away in shock, and perhaps a bit of anger, whipping round to find an anxious expression blooming across Michael's features.

"I forgot she was coming over today." He mumbled apologetically, barely able to meet my burning gaze.

"Yea, sure." I had meant for it to sound indifferent but my tone got it wrong, replying in a cold voice. "It's fine." I lied, trying to push past the spiderwebbing fractures within me.

Michael shifted uncomfortably on his feet. "Kai, I'm really sorry. I totally forgot."

"I'll see you tomorrow." I interrupted curtly and his gaze shot towards mind, wide, disbelieving and wounded. I pressed my lips together and gave a tight nod, not inclined at all to say anything for I didn't trust what I might say and turned on my heel, stalking off.

"Kaitlyn --" He began, his voice pronouncing my name with a desperate sort of peremptoriness.

It was enough to make me stop in my tracks, long enough to hear the wind blow its breath that brought news of an oncoming season.

But it wasn't enough to make me stay, turn around and return to his arms.


	28. Chapter 28

By the time I had reached home after wandering around the neighborhood whilst wallowing how much it had hurt, I was feeling empty, completely devoid of emotion. It was as if all my emotions were put away, leaving the vessel that contained all of them without content.

I had barely heard Liam approaching me down the hallway, looking flustered and worried.

"Kaitlyn."

My eyes snapped upwards from the floor to his concerned blue ones. Because of his expression, my heart constricted apprehensively, earlier heartaches momentarily thrown away. "What?"

Liam pressed his lips together, gathering the courage to speak. "Perry's here." He said in a voice barely above a whisper.

When he spoke that way, it would always mean something was wrong. And I could think of a couple of reasons why my boyfriend was here.

I stared at him, trying to make sense past the twisting feeling in my gut.

He nodded quickly in reply to my questioning gaze, gesturing behind him. "He's talking to Dad."

I grabbed my brother's toned arm, earning a muffled yelp from him as he half-led me to the living room. Peering round the doorjamb, I felt my breath get stuck in my throat at the sight of the strawberry-blond haired boy conversing with my father.

My father seemed to at ease, speaking in a casual tone reserved for my friends. This was, somehow, different from the way he talked with Michael.

My eyebrows creased slightly in curiosity and worry as I moved into view. "Dad?" I tried to form my boyfriend's name but it got stuck in my throat. Instead I stared silently at where he was perched on the couch, my gaze subtly questioning.

My father glanced between Perry and I before he cleared his throat awkwardly and stood up. "Well, I have to prepare dinner today so I'll be in the kitchen if you kids need anything." He informed.

Perry and I regarded each other for a few heartbeats after my father had left. Liam was notably absent as well; probably he had left before I noticed.

Wordlessly, I sat beside Perry, facing him. "Hey." I said, sounding awfully strained. "I didn't see you at school today."

"Skateboarding practice for the nationals." Perry said in a stiff and curt manner. His hazel eyes bore right into me. I had always seen them as soft and warm. This time, it was hard and clear.

My heart hammered hard in my chest and caused my blood to roar aloud in my ears; my throat dried up and it was hard to breath with that gaze of his on me. "Um, is something the matter, Per?" I didn't know why I even bothered; I could tell from the look in his gaze I was in trouble.

He clasped his hands together, sighing. "Perhaps it would be better if we talked in private."

"Y-Yea sure." I stammered, anxiety percolating rapidly in my chest as I led him to the backyard.

My mother's little herb garden sat in the corner of the area, half-shaded by some flowering shrub I didn't know the name of. I glanced over my shoulder to see if my boyfriend was still following.

Perry leaned against the wall, arms crossed. Sunlight was sparking off his strawberry blonde hair, lighting it to the shade of light ginger.

"So, what is it you wanted to talk about?" I asked, my voice unsteady with anxiety.

"About the party last Saturday night." He said softly.

My heart constricted apprehensively in my chest. _Uh-oh_.

"I'm sorry for not being there with you." He said.

Ok -- wait what?

"But that isn't an excuse to run off with that Clifford boy." He delivered, clipping off Michael's surname with bitterness in his tone.

I stared at him mutely, incredulous. "How did you --" My throat closed up in fear as I felt myself tremble.

Perry's lips folded upon themselves, the crease between his eyebrows deepening. "The new kid told me."

"But _Michael's_ the new kid." I frowned in confusion; I was beginning to feel a stirring of so many emotions I was becoming light-headed.

"He's not the only new guy in town." Perry replied. "In fact, he's familiar with Michael."

My mind whirred dizzily. "Who --"

"It doesn't matter _who_." Perry cut me off with resignation. "What matters is here is why you went off with Clifford - while you were drunk, if I might add - instead of me?" His voice caught audibly at the end, and his distraught feelings were palpable.

I drew a deep breath, shaking my head as I shifted on my feet. I didn't know how it was Perry knew and I could very well guess by now what he suspected of me. "But _nothing_ happened between us." I protested weakly, unable to look at him.

"It's not that Kaitlyn." Perry said without inflection.

I glanced at him, biting on my lip.

Belatedly, I saw how heartbroken he looked. Perry was tight-lipped, hazel gaze misty and his posture appeared weary and emotionally exhausted. I noticed how disheveled his hair was and the dark shadows rimming his eyes. He looked terrible; and it was my fault.

 _How could I not realize? How dare I think that my actions wouldn't bring me the consequences_. I reached out though I didn't know why - perhaps to touch him in consolation - but he pushed my hand away, backing a step.

A stab of pain, guilt and shame found their blades into my chest. "Perry."

"As your boyfriend, I should be the one who's there for you at times like those. I don't care if I sound selfish or whatever but that's how I think relationships should be."

"But I don't feel anything for Michael." I said and the pain worsened at the lie.

"Please, don't." Perry shook his head. "It's better if we take some time off each other.'

" _What_?" I spluttered with disbelief. "You can't be serious -- You're breaking up with me?"

He turned his face away, a mask of unreadable expression. "Bye Kaitlyn." He dodged my question and walked back inside, leaving me staring after him, open-mouthed with bewilderment.

I didn't cry, instead I felt empty.

*

Sitting with my back against the door, I let my music wash over me, dulling the pain and shock that had sunk in not long after Perry had broken up with me. Evidence of dried tears were still on my face but I hadn't yet made a move to clear it away.

It was probably midnight - I wasn't paying too much attention to time - but my body refused to succumb to sleep. It was sad when that happened.

I hadn't felt that sort of restlessness in awhile. And it was the emotional exhaustion that was driving me nuts.

" _Don't call it a party coz it never stops. Now one is too many but it's never enough. Don't tell you're happy coz this isn't love so be careful what you wish for_." Bring Me The Horizon played in my earbuds, at a volume that was enough to block out my heartache and all noises.

Including the soft thunks against my windows.

I had been staring at the patch of moonlight on my floor that had passed from my window when a shadow loomed, its figure humanlike.

I nearly jumped out of my skin, back colliding noisily against the door as I jerked my gaze towards the figure in terror. My teeth were brought down, hard, on my lower lip as my heart rammed itself against my ribcage repeatedly.

It took me a moment to realize that it wasn't a monster or bogeyman.

In fact, it was quite the opposite.

Hurriedly scrambling to my feet as quietly as I could after I yanked out my earbuds and interrupted Ollie Sykes in mid-chorus, I approached the window and opened it.

"Hey." Michael offered a small smile, his green eyes unusually bright at this ungodly hour. Moonlight was turning his hair to silver and gave his pale skin the appearance resembling cold marble.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed, moving hastily aside.

My eyes raked over in one quick heartbeat.

He wore a dark snapback tucked backwards on his head, black Metallica sleeveless top and gray sweatpants. I wondered if this was his pajamas; if so, I couldn't explain why I was suddenly developing a liking for this look.

Michael closed the window before turning around to meet my questioning gaze. "What? Can't a guy visit his friend?"

"Sure he can." I said, sarcasm laced on my words. "But _not_ in the middle of the night." I sighed incredulously.

Michael shrugged and pressed his lips together, lowering his lashes. "I thought I'd come to see you."

My heart leapt in response as heat flooded my cheeks. "For all you know, I could've been asleep." I muttered under my breath, miffed.

"Except you _weren't_." He countered, leaning back against my study desk. Taking off his snapback, he set it down. "You were staring off into space." He stated.

My eyes met his and a silent exchange passed between us. And his earlier casual expression changed. "What happened?" Michael asked softly, voice tinged with concern.

I bit my lip, willing myself not to lose my composure. "It's nothing." I mumbled, shaking my head as I fought down the expanding urge to spill everything to him; I crossed my arms and stared at the space between my feet defiantly. "I'm fine."

"Kai, look at me." He pleaded, in the same soft tone.

And then I obliged, losing it. My eyes began to sting from oncoming tears, my posture rigid. " _Mikey_." The small sound passed my lips.

Michael regarded me for a moment, then spread his arms, standing. Released a small sob, I barreled into him, burying my face in his chest as his scent invaded my senses. He staggered for a moment from the abruptness but soon he held me back, tightly, and whispered into my ear. "Kaitlyn, shh. I'm here now."

His shirt was becoming damp from me and I was vaguely aware of myself shaking in his arms, the emotions that were supposed to come earlier finally hitting me square in the chest.

His lips brushed against temple with a pressure as light as butterfly wings as he spoke, "Baby, I'm here for you now."


	29. Chapter 29

My swirling emotions had made me process the words he said a few heartbeats late. My eyes flew open as I jerked back in surprise, regarding him with disbelief. Heat flamed across my cheeks.

"W-Wha -- I -- Huh?" My ability to speak seemed to reduced to saying only monosyllabic words.

If anything, even Michael appeared just as flustered as I was, a high hectic flush spreading across his whole face. His soft lips were parted and his gaze wide. Then he exhaled, running fingers through his fair hair before speaking hurriedly in an anxious manner. "I-It just ... rolled right off my tongue. I'm sorry, you must be having a hard time and I wasn't thinking rationally --"

He was cut off when I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his, effectively shutting up.

Michael's body stiffened against mine in surprise before he obliged, letting out a soft breath as he placed his hands on my waist. His fingertips brushed against a small strip of exposed skin just below the hem of my shirt; at the contact I felt my heart jump.

He was always so gentle, kissing me at an unhurried pace at first. The pressure of his mouth on mine would be light before he gained the courage to deepen it.

But tonight it was different.

Tonight he drew back from me, his features flushed and dark gray green gaze half-slitted. "Kai." He began huskily, face just a few inches away. "I'm sorry for being a dick."

"It's fine, Mikey." I whispered, laying my cheek on his and fluttered my eyes closed, soaking in the warmth from his skin as I held him tighter.

The sensation of being this close to him was enough to blow me up. My heart was beating so hard in my chest, but I never felt safer than being in his arms. Maybe these signs were pointing me to where I was supposed to be.

Michael let out a small breath. "I thought I'd come to apologize." He paused awkwardly. "You know, for not remembering that Drew --"

"It's ok."

Michael tensed then really drew back from me, letting his arms fall to his side. "But --" His lower lip stuck out in a confused sort of pout. "You seemed pretty pissed about it."

I shrugged, feeling my cheeks burn. "It really doesn't matter."

He nodded and let his gaze fall to the floor. Deafening silence filled the space between us, lulling the pause into an awkward moment.

"Well, I'll just go then." Michael informed, touching his shoulder. Then I realized he was fiddling with the straps of his drawstring backpack.

A sudden idea occurred to me that I voiced it aloud without thinking it through . "Why don't you stay for the night? It's pretty late."

His gaze snapped upwards to mine, wide with incredulity. He reddened at once. "I'll be fine."

Biting my lip, I reached out and held his wrist, regarding him pleadingly. I had felt so lonely earlier; I couldn't bear the thought of going to asleep alone.

Michael stared at me. "You ... sure?"

I nodded. "There's stuff we gotta talk about."

He unslung his bag off his shoulders, setting it on the floor"Alright then. I'll stay."

*

Soft music played in the background on my iPod dock as we laid next to each other on my bed in silence.

I could feel the warmth radiating off his skin under the covers, the proximity of our bodies urging me to reach out and touch his hand.

"Something's bothering you." Michael said. He was lying on his back, eyes staring up the ceiling where glow in dark stars formed constellations. "You haven't told me about it yet." I could hear the concern in his soft voice.

The guitar riff of Somewhere in Neverland by All Time Low filled the pause in the conversation.

I sighed and shifted to my side to face at him. "I don't know where to start." I admitted, biting my lower lip hesitantly.

He exhaled slowly, running fingers through his hair before turning to me. Shadows played across his features but they would never dull his lambent eyes, flickering like soft candlelight. "Is it because of Drew?" He asked mildly. "I know you don't like her much."

"She's a bitch." I said.

The most surprising thing happened: Michael actually chuckled in agreement. "Yea."

I stared at him in bafflement. "I can't believe you."

"What?" He smirked at me as a few strands of hair fell across his face.

"You think so too?"

"Of course." He snorted.

"I am _so_ confused right now."

"I broke up with her." Michael stated plainly, as if reciting a widely-known and widely-accepted fact. "About half an hour after you left."

"Why?" I tried to keep my voice neutral but surprise, and perhaps a bit of triumph, broke through my facade.

Michael stayed silent for a moment. "Drew knew you were over at my place. She saw you leaving and obviously she thought I was cheating on her. I mean - c'mon - it's not like I'd do that. Even if I did, it's not like she didn't cheat on me before. We fought and I guess I just snapped on her and she didn't handle it well."

"She was insulting you, calling you all sorts of names. In fact, she did it every day. I tolerated her but it was getting to my head. She kept saying stuff that you were a slut and all but that isn't true. I decided I had enough of her and it feels great now that I'm not one of her playthings anymore."

My head was whirling like I had vertigo but I wasn't even moving. I closed my eyes, counting from one to ten to calm my hammering heart before looking at him again. "Are you _sure_ you don't have a fever?" I touched his forehead lightly.

He grinned and rested his hand atop of mine. "I'm fine." He assured gently. "Why'd you ask?"

"It was just so sudden." I frowned. The contact of both our skins wasn't helping with my brain or my heart functions. In fact, the rush was exhilarating. "I thought you and Drew ..." My throat closed up at the thought.

Michael regarded me for a few seconds before replying. "It wasn't anything like that. She didn't have feelings for me."

"What about you?" I asked.

"I haven't gotten over someone from my past." Michael answered in a soft wistful tone which made my heart tighten in my chest. "I thought Drew would help me move on but ..." He trailed off. "She was just using me."

"How did the both of you meet?"

"Through the internet, a few months before I moved. I know, that sucks but yea, she was super nice online. But the relationship was never a serious thing between us."

"Oh." Slowly, I moved my hand away from his head and tucked it under my pillow, averting my eyes from his. The initial triumph I had felt was now fading, giving way to an even more surprising emotion: disappointment. I exhaled, nodding.

I could sense that he was looking at me now but I couldn't bear to meet his gaze; I didn't want him to know what I was feeling at that moment.

"Perry and I broke up today too." I admitted, shame painting hot flushes on my cheeks. And then the words that I had suppressed within me came gushing out. "He heard about last Saturday night from some other dude."

"Heard about what, exactly?" Michael echoed as creases formed on his forehead.

I bit my lip, exhaling as my heart pounded hard against my ribcage. "About us."

He was quiet, for so long it was actually killing me. I didn't know what his reaction was; it was too dark to see and I had a sneaking suspicion he had wiped away all emotions from his features.

"He didn't hear you out?"

I was wordless, for I couldn't bring myself to say anything against him.

"Kaitlyn, c'mere." The mattress shifted and I felt him move. Instinctively, I inched closer into him, resting my head over his chest where his heart was beating at a fluttering pace and enveloped myself into his body.

Michael stroked my hair gently, his cheek resting on the top of my head and his arms around me protectively.

I felt the sting in my eyes and willed myself not to lose it but tears still found their way down my face. "I'm sorry." I whispered, sniffling.

The soft caressing motions ceased. "For what?" Worry was evident in his tone as he asked.

"I keep crying on your shirt."

He chuckled, a laugh I heard past the sound of his heart.

It was enough to make my mouth curl upwards at the sides. I tilted my head to look at him and saw that he was smiling, an expression that lit up the night. "It's alright. I'll always be your shoulder to cry on. ... Or chest, since you know."

His voice had cracked with mirth but it wasn't just that; there was a certain breathless undertone to it.

We stared at each other for a moment, letting it sink in.

Ed Sheeran's vocals filled the silence. " _If your salted tears won't dry I'll wipe my shirtsleeves under your eyes_."

"Perfect timing." Michael muttered under his breath though I could hear a hint of relief.

"Yea, lemme get that."

"You sure?"

"Mhm." I sat up to switch my dock off before settling back to my spot on his body. "Mikey?"

"Yea?"

"Sing me to sleep?"

Michael shifted under me. "I'm terrible at singing."

"No you're not." I protested. "Remember that time you joined the singing contest back in --"

"Ok fine." He cut me off with a defeated sigh. "What do you want me to sing to you?"

I paused to consider my choices. "Maybe a song by 500 Years of Winter?" I suggested.

"Alright." Michael cleared his throat. "Excuse my terrible voice."

" _Throwing rocks at your window at midnight._ " He began, singing one of my favorites as his hand stroked my hair. " _You met me in your backyard that night. In the moonlight you looked just like an angel in disguise. My whole life seemed like a postcard_."

In his arms, I never felt safer. I snuggled into him, burying my face into his chest. The scent of cinnamon invaded my senses, calming my nerves and allowing sleep to enter.

" _You had me wrapped around your finger. I'm wrapped your finger_." His voice sounded further and further away as my eyelids grew heavier.

At the last moment of consciousness, I believed I felt him press a lingering kiss on my forehead.

"Sweet dreams."


	30. Chapter 30

"Mm, Kaitlyn." My eyes fluttered open at the sound of a groggy and husky voice. I was only aware of how warm the bed was and the scent of cinnamon on my sheets.

A sharp ringing noise pierced the air.

"Kai." The low, throaty voice spoke again and I felt something shift beside me.

I started in surprise, only realizing someone else was in my bed as well. Heat flamed across my cheeks as I sat up.

"Michael?"

A sleepy, disheveled-looking Michael squinted at me through his narrow green slits. "The bloody alarm." He drawled, a frown creasing his forehead.

I stared at him for a moment in disbelief and then hit the button to silence the clock on my nightstand. I didn't move, instead tried hard to recall what happened when memories came slamming back into my brain.

The passionate kisses. The hushed tones. The warm cuddles.

I became even more flustered, whipping round only to find Michael wasn't facing me anymore, instead snuggling deeper into the covers, leaving his fair hair visible just above the sheets.

"Mikey." I shook him, panic making my voice quaver.

"Good morning. 5 more minutes please." He groaned in annoyance.

"Michael!" I hissed, tugging the sheets off of him. "Oh my god, we overslept!"

"So?" He mumbled in the same sleepy tone. It was sexy but I didn't have time to dwell on that as I had to formulate a plan to sneak Michael out of the house.

"You have to get up!" I said urgently, shaking him.

"Mm. Gimme 5 minutes." Michael turned around and frowned at me with half-closed eyes. "I swear."

"You have to, Mikey." I protested, raking fingers through my hair. "Otherwise --"

"Yo little sis! Wakey wakey!" Jacob's voice called from outside my room and Michael and I snapped our attention to the door when it opened.

"C'mon Kait --" Jacob was just walking in, wearing a Pokemon t-shirt and shorts when, stopped short in mid-sentence as he peered into the room. His emerald eyes widened, jaw dropping to the floor. "What the --"

Michael waved at him with a nervous smile. "Hey Jakey."

*

Sitting across the dining table with both my parents staring at me this early in the morning didn't help with the fact that my anxiety was bubbling at the sign of the trouble I'd be in written all over their faces.

"Kaitlyn." My mother began with a concerned, her hands clasped together before her. "We understand that you've come to the age --"

"Mom. Dad." I interrupted, cheeks flaming at the thought. "Michael and I didn't ... like ... _y'know_." I said, for what felt like the thousandth time.

"Kaitlyn, this is for your own good." My father sighed, regarding me calmly. "We know kids these days are ... er _active_ but that doesn't mean you have to be like that."

I placed my hand on my head, embarrassment flooding my senses. "I know. God, but Michael's _just_ a friend."

I could sense the awkwardness hanging over the three of us as my parents deliberated on how to approach the topic of sex to me. Honestly I knew some lines should never be crossed but my parents hardly needed to tell me about it. After all, the thought of it made my skin burn.

Frankly Michael and I didn't do anything _close_ to that. We just cuddled, talked and fell asleep. The end.

It was totally _platonic_.

Looking back on it, I wondered what had possessed me to let him in and land myself into this trouble but I knew I had no regrets sleeping in his arms. It was the best I had ever felt in awhile and I decided to hold onto that warm fluttery feeling in my chest.

"Just be _careful_ , if you plan to do it." My mother said awkwardly.

"And use protection. It saves lives." My father added.

" _Mom. Dad_." I groaned, burying my burning face in my hands.

Not wanting to drag this conversation further, my parents let me go to get ready for school. I didn't get to see Michael on the way out of the kitchen as his parents had arrived earlier to pick him up.

However, I catch my brothers in the act of eavesdropping.

The three of them scrambled hastily into position, trying hard to look as if they had happened to be spontaneously standing there in the hallway and hadn't heard about the _talk_.

My eyes narrowed at them, adding to their discomfort; they were sweating visibly and the flush upon their cheeks were obvious. "What are you guys doing here?" I asked.

Adam spoke up, sounding flustered. "Oh good morning."

"We were just --" Jacob continued hastily.

" _Standing_ here." Liam finished suspiciously. They proceeded to elbow each other in the abdomens, which confirmed my suspicions.

"Whatever." I sighed, rolling my eyes as I made for the stairs.

*

Shouldering my backpack as I squeezed through the crowded school hallway, my eyes flickered past faces in attempts to catch Perry, Cilan or Wendy.

It was frustrating enough that Wendy and Cilan hadn't replied my texts I had sent last night and in Perry's case it was completely understandable and neither did I send him any messages.

A small sting of hurt stabbed my chest. Wendy was my best friend and I felt betrayed somehow by the thought that she would ditch me just because I was with Michael that night. I had told her the truth but the possibility of her not being convinced of my words was killing me inside.

Pulling my gaze away from the polished school floors, I glanced upwards and stopped. Across the hallway within the clique of Queen Drew's minions stood Wendy.

My heart squeezed with even more betrayal as my lips parted with shock. I stared in disbelief as I watched them converse with one another. The cliques were laughing along with the both of them like the sycophants they were and a bitter feeling squeezed my throat.

I bit my lip, trying to force that sensation down and turned on my heel to take the long way to my locker. I wanted to avoid Wendy.

And I couldn't believe she just gave up on me like that.

I scrubbed the back of my hand across my face, sniffing hard when two voices called out in unison.

"Kaitlyn."

I turned around to find who did that and saw two guys grinning at me. I frowned. "Um, hey there Luke and Calum. What's up?"

"Oh nothing." Calum grinned, a bit too unnervingly wide. "Just wanted to say hi, so hi!" He waved, eyes crinkling at the sides into a smile. His dark hair curled wildly at the ends, giving him a cuddly and endearing look.

Luke smirked at Calum. "Nah, he's just being weird. Ignore him." Luke said and earned a nudge in his side from a mildly aggrieved Calum. Luke fixed his beanie, biting his pierced lip. "How's it going?"

"Um alright, I guess." I replied awkwardly, very much bemused as to why these boys were being so friendly today. Usually we talked out of politeness when we hung out with Perry, Wendy and Cilan but only exchanged nods and smiles when we passed by each other. "Why?"

"Oh no, just checking." Calum said. "You never know when you might need to talk to someone."

I stared at the both of them.

"Oh lighten up will you?" Luke giggled. "Oh yea, where's Michael?" he asked.

They were _definitely_ on to something. I shrugged. "Wasn't he supposed to be with you guys?"

Calum and Luke wore funny expression on their faces and it was hard for me to decide whether or not they were messing around. Or that they knew what had happened last night.

Flushes broke out on my cheeks at the possibility of that and I found myself running through a list of excuses before I could embarrass myself when someone said behind me. "Oi, cut it out guys."

I turned to look at who it was and my heart nearly broke out of my chest in surprise.

Michael stood a few feet away from us, scowling in irritation and bewilderment. His messy fair hair was tucked under the same snapback he wore last night. The only thing different today was that he was wearing a black sweater that had long sleeves which gave him paws. That, and he decided to wear jeans with rips in the knees and a pair of boots.

Calum and Luke snickered. "We were just asking Kaitlyn about you." Luke stated matter-of-factly, not bothering to hide the lopsided grin on his face.

Michael narrowed his eyes into green slits. "Don't you two have classes to get to?"

"C'mon we're 15 minutes early. We have all time in the world!" Calum exclaimed, spreading his arms.

He hit Luke in the face by accident.

"Holy shit!"

Luke's features scrunched up in pain. " _Calum_!" He yelped in pain. "What did my face ever do to you!"

"OhmygoshI'msosorry!" Calum squeaked as Michael shook his head, hiding a quick smile of amusement.

"Well, we have Physics lab next so we'll catch you later." Michael informed.

" _We_?" Calum and Luke echoed.

Michael pointed at himself and at me with a slight frown on his features. " _Duh_."

My cheeks warmed at him calling us a _we_. I bit my lip, dispelling my thoughts.

 _Of course he'd say that; just because he called us a_ we _doesn't mean that there's something going on between us_. I told myself mentally.


	31. Chapter 31

Wandering down the deserted hallways, I counted my steps in my mind as I made turns round corners. The first half of the school day had been spent alone; Wendy hadn't spoken to me during the lessons we shared.

I exhaled, resting my hand on the doorknob of the room I planned to enter to dissipate the thrumming anxiety in head. It would do me no good if I planned to walk inside.

The sounds of guitar chords being struck deftly leaked outside where I stood confirming he was inside.

I pushed the door open and entered.

The music room was the same as the last time I visited. The only difference was the boy seated in the middle of the room, his head ducked as his fingers played skillfully on the electric guitar strings.

I observed him in silence, not daring to interrupt him.

Michael's eyes was closed, showing how focused he was in his music and my heart swelled. It was beautiful, the way he played it.

Once he was done, he smiled to himself then started when he looked up. "Shit Kai you scared me." He breathed, a hand on his chest.

I pressed my lips together and closed the door behind me before approaching to sit across him. "Disconnected by 500 Years of Winter." I said.

Michael let out an amazed chuckle. "You know your chords."

"It's a beautiful song." I replied, looking thoughtfully at his fingers. They were spatulate at the tips, not slender and slim. It was cute.

"Hm." A smile curved his lips upwards, causing his gray-green eyes to gleam. "Wanna play guess the song?"

I narrowed my gaze at him. "I know my songs really well so unless you're betting --"

He laughed. "It's just for fun but I like your spirit. So challenge accepted." He summed up before strumming a few times to warm up. "Don't think I'll go easy on you." Michael smirked.

I laughed. "Like you'd do _that_."

"Ok fine the first one is super easy to guess.." He said, beginning to play a familiar riff. "I won't forgive you if you don't know this." He joked.

I frowned with concentration, letting the music wash over me. "Drown by BMTH."

He smiled then began another tune. It went on like that, we didn't speak unless I wanted to answer.

Heart Out by The 1975, I Miss You by Blink-182, Runaways by All Time Low, Where The Lines Overlap by Paramore and then Kids In Love by Mayday Parade were played before I spoke up. "Nice sweater paws by the way." I wasn't sure why but I felt like saying something about it.

Michael grinned and shook his hands, making them flap. The playful expression upon his features reminded me vaguely of a kitten. "Though I'd try a new look. Rawr."

A giggle escaped my lips in amusement. "Oh yea, where's Calum and Luke? I thought they'd be hanging out with you."

"Detention I think." He replied. "They were caught passing notes and giggling." He brushed back a stray strand of blond hair from his face, features pensive. "Mm where's Cilan?"

"I honestly don't know. Haven't seen him today actually."

"Wendy?"

I bit my lip and averted my gaze, forcing down the hurt that had began to bubble its way back up in my chest. "I don't know." I mumbled.

Michael shook his head and then put the guitar away, making sure to unplug it from the amplifier before he got up to sit beside me.

I could feel his warmth radiating from his body and smell the faint scent of cinnamon that clung to his skin. I was tempted to lean against him and hold him but I was afraid to do so.

I didn't want to seem so wanton. After all, I had initiated the kiss last night, asked him to stay and then got us into trouble but if I hugged him now, what would that make of me? Surely he saw me as a friend. Not someone I could just touch and kiss when I needed to.

There was just something in the way I felt around him, like a hush over the din of the world around us. There would always be a rush I had become all too familiar with in my veins, that urge to be closer to him and know him better. I guess the last one was normal to feel of with someone whom you haven't seen for some time but I wasn't so sure with the first two.

"You're keeping something from me." Michael observed in a soft whisper. He tried to catch my eyes with his thoughtful gray-green ones. "Kai, I can tell from the way you're staring at me."

I blinked hastily and shook my head. "What? N-No I was just thinking." I lied hastily.

"I've known you since we were kids. Habits don't die."

I was all too aware of what he was implying; the sign that I was chewing on my lower lip right after I made my statement was a clear indicator of the untruth I had spoken. Sighing in defeat, I hugged my arms and rocked back and forth on my seat slowly. "Alright then." I said weakly.

Michael shifted, as if there was something he wanted to reach for, but appeared to change his mind about it after.

"Wendy and I talked about _that_ Saturday night. The one where I got --"

"Oh. _That night_." He mumbled nervously. "Well, uh, what did you guys say?"

"I told her about staying over at your place and then she - I dunno - she said 'I hope you know what you're doing.' and then left me. I tried to text her but she hasn't been responding ..." I admitted, feeling lost.

He sighed. "Maybe she doesn't think much of me."

I looked at him. "Why would she not like you?"

"Maybe she heard about --" He broke off abruptly, exhaling as if he was close to spilling something.

I frowned in bafflement. "Heard about what?" I echoed.

Michael regarded me and I started; he looked scared and anxious. I opened my mouth to ask him what was wrong but he stood up. "Kai, um, I remembered I had something to do."

"What?" I said incredulously. "But --"

"I'll see you later." He cut me off, mumbling his excuses before he left and left me stare after him in utter bemusement.

*

"So I saw this big ass dog earlier today." Ashton began as he stacked the albums on the shelves. "It was so big I swear I would've brought it home with me if I wasn't late for work this morning at KFC."

I smiled to myself, shaking my head as I remembered how direct Ashton could be. One moment he would sit by himself and if you approached him, he'd launch into a story of one of his funny experiences. He used to do that back when we were kids and that had been annoying but hearing him blab about the details of the dog, it was quite amusing.

"Did you name the dog?" I asked, selecting a copy of Sheppard's _Bombs Away_.

I was at the music store right across the cafe where Adam was working. Since there was still some time till my brother's shift ended and I had arrived early, I had decided to browse through the albums available.

"Yep." Ashton nodded and arranged the new arrival of Against The Current's CDs. "I called it Ketchup. But it was more of a cream color ..." He added thoughtfully as he pushed back strands of his unruly gold-blond curls out of his face that had strayed from his bandana.

His hazel eyes slitted as he read the price labels. "Cheryl, is it alright if I put one of these on hold?" He called out, glancing over at the cashier. "I'd like this one."

"Um sure." The bubblegum-pink haired girl shrugged.

"Oh yea, could you also put Fall Out Boy's _American Beauty_ \--"

"Write it down in a list, Irwin." She laughed, shaking her head in amusement before returning back to reading the latest issue of Rolling Stone magazine.

He turned back to me and continued. "Oh yea, by the way how's things between you and Michael? S'okay if you don't wanna talk about it; I understand you both haven't been exactly on solid ground." He added.

I bit my lip and felt my cheeks burn. "Oh, um, alright I guess." I mumbled and thought about how Michael had left abruptly earlier today. I hadn't seen him after school too. "Have you heard anything from Mikey today?" I asked, glancing at Ashton.

He paused to remember, cocking his head. "Mm. No. Why?" He sounded worried. "Did you two get into an argument again"

My lips parted in shock. "What? No we didn't. I-I was just wondering." Blood rushed to my face.

"Oh phew." He sighed in relief. "That's good to hear. Y'know, Mikey _really_ hates it when you two fight."

I squeezed my eyes shit, dragging out a breath. "I _swear_ I'm trying. But sometimes it just explodes out of me." I admitted guiltily.

Ashton flashed me a funny stare before his expression molded into a look of sympathy. "A couple of times he's come to Luke, Calum and I to talk." He informed.

My gaze widened fractionally with realization and an epiphany occurred to me. This might be an opportunity to ask Michael's best friend what was up with him.

Curiosity just burned me and I wanted to know.

"Talk ... about what, _exactly_?" I began.

Ashton's mouth folded into a thin white line. "He's had ... problems."

My heart flipped at the last word and I noticed how worried I was for Michael. Why didn't he tell me about what he was going through?

 _Oh god if it's as terrible as I think_. I regarded Ashton, fiddling absentmindedly with the hem of my shirt.

From his expression, Ashton looked as if he wanted to tell me but was holding himself back. His hazel eyes were hesitant and a little wide.

What secrets was he hiding?

Our gazes met and I saw it in his eyes. My heart constricted in my chest. "Ashton." I pleaded.

"I'm sorry." He said final, dropping his head. "It's not my place to tell you. If you want to know, it's better if you hear it from him."

I stared at him with disbelief and bafflement. Slowly, I nodded and bit my lip. "Alright then." I breathed. "I'll talk to Mikey about it."

Ashton patted my back, possibly in apology. "But if you wanted to know about something _other_ than his problems, all I can say is it's a green light."

My forehead creased in bafflement. "What?" I voiced in confusion.

The corners of his mouth lifted into a huge grin. "You'll see." He replied cheerfully, appearing as if he loved to give cryptic answers and enjoy the bewildered reactions that followed.

Before I could answer, a bell rang, indicating someone had entered the store. Ashton's head perked up. "Gotta go. I'll talk to you sometime?" He paused to offer me a smile and left to attend to the customer.

My mind was whirring. Something was amiss. Why would Michael look so afraid when I brought the topic of Wendy's opinion of him up? Why was Ashton so hesitant to tell me about Michael's problem? What did _green light_ even mean?

Shaking my head, I made up my mind and picked up a copy of 500 Years of Winter's latest album, _Sounds Good Feels Better_ , and headed for the cashier.


	32. Chapter 32

"You want me to _what_ , exactly?" I asked, not bothering to hide the shock that had exploded out of me after my mom suggested that outrageous idea to me.

My mother regarded me calmly from across the table while my father cleared his throat.

Both of my parents were off their shifts for the night so that my family could spend quality time together. This was a good thing as they were rarely home. My brothers and I had spent nearly the whole afternoon preparing dinner for us all.

Unfortunately, both my parents had brought up the topic of inviting Michael and his family over for dinner this weekend.

Beside me, Jacob glanced over with disbelief and exasperation. "Dude, didn't you hear?"

I elbowed him, earning an indignant yelp and a shove in return. "But - I - er --" I spluttered, my features breaking out in high color across the cheeks.

"I'm sure he won't mind." Liam said, offering me an assuring smile.

Adam rolled his eyes and glared at his food. From where I sat, I could tell he wasn't at all pleased by the notion that the Cliffords, _particularly_ Michael, was coming over for dinner.

I bit my lip, telling myself not to make any comment about Adam's sudden change of mood at all. "Alright then, I'll ask Michael." I mumbled, glancing at my parents and ignoring the waves of negativity leaking out of Adam.

"Great." My father and mother grinned enthusiastically. I suspected there was some reason why my parents wanted to meet Michael and I was not sure if I liked my assumption at all.

*

Twirling my pen between my fingers, I frowned in concentration and thought about the answer to the Biology theory question. Though it wasn't necessarily a difficult one to answer, my mind was split into two so it was distracted.

One part was focused on how to explain, the other was preoccupied with plucking the courage to talk to Michael after the test.

I sighed before scribbling furiously onto the blank space provided. It wasn't long till I had went through every of the questions when the time was up and recess begun. After gathering my belongings, I hurried out of the room, not casting so much as a glance towards Perry and Cilan who were on their way out.

Frankly, it wasn't fair for Cilan since he had basically reached out and called my name, possibly to ask what were my answers to some of the questions, but faltered visibly when I walked past him. I was preoccupied other things on my mind and I still couldn't bear to bring myself to look at Perry.

Hurrying down the crowded hallway, I managed to push past bodies right to where the History class was located. The lesson had just been dismissed so there was a steady stream of students flowing out, some of which looked like they had just woken up from a nap when my eyes caught on a particular tall, fair-haired boy.

My heart skipped involuntarily at the sight of him like it always did, as if just by looking at him jumpstarted something inside me. A familiar rush began to pound in my head when he lifted his eyes and met mine.

Michael was with Calum and Luke. The three of them appeared as though they had been discussing things but Calum and Luke stopped when the realized Michael had zoned out and was making his way towards me. The looks on their faces consisted of folded lips, wide eyes and stifled expressions.

"Hey." Michael breathed. He looked good but then again, he always did.

His blond hair was the same as always, though it did look shorter; perhaps he had a haircut? He had chosen to wear a gray t-shirt with the _Harley-Davidson_ logo printed on it, the usual skinny jeans and a pair of sneakers. His piercing glinted from his eyebrow as he raised it questioningly.

"Hi." I offered a small smile and was near to combusting into flames. Past Michael, I spied Luke and Calum suspiciously exchanging money. I focused my attention back to those green eyes. "Can we talk? Like in private?"

He casted a sideways glance at his best friends who were both wearing overly enthusiastic grins on their countenances. Michael made a face at them before turning back to me.

"Yea sure." He nodded, a bit to tensely before we walked.

We didn't speak as we made our way through the crowd. It was oddly familiar, feeling his shoulder pressed up to mine and his left hand brushing my right. Familiar and comforting.

A small smile formed on my lips against my volition when I realized we arrived at the less crowded part of the hallway.

I looked at Michael and caught him grinning in amusement. Immediately the smile on my face dropped as I frowned at him. "What?"

His green eyes gleamed. "Oh nothing. You seem like you're in a good mood today."

"I am?" I replied without thinking and then flushed. "I mean, uh --" I trailed off, slightly embarrassed.

He chuckled, running fingers through his tousled hair absentmindedly. "So, what was it you wanted to talk about?"

My mouth dried up immediately as I realized I had to ask the question. I tried to speak but it was hard to get the words past my throbbing chest.

"I-I was wondering - I mean - my parents were wondering if you and your family would like to come over for --" I broke off, my attention ensnared by a group of girls passing by, with their leader the most familiar of all.

Drew.

Michael, sensing something was wrong, threw a glance over his shoulder as his ex-girlfriend cast a disparaging look at the both of us with a disgusted curl of her lips.

She paced over and I noticed just past her, amongst her clique, stood Wendy with her eyes averted from mine. My heart constricted painfully with betrayal.

And I decided to look at the ground.

"Oh so now you're going out with this whore?" Drew snapped at Michael bitterly. Her features were knitted into a scowl with an admixture of contempt and anger.

"She's my friend." Michael answered in a familiar impassive voice.

"Friend, my _ass_." Drew glared at me, making feel like shrinking into a ball.

I didn't like the expression on her face. It was furiously blazing. But at the same time, I was tired of the shit I had to put up because of her. "What? Jealous?" I scoffed, using the same poison in my derisive tone.

Her hazel eyes widened with shock as if she couldn't believe I had the guts to talk back before they narrowed again.

If I knew what would come next, I wouldn't have had prodded her.

"Guess Perry wasn't enough for you huh?" She sneered. "That's so sad, considering he's heads-over-heels for you. But I guess you don't want that, right? You're just after the no-strings-attached. No wonder you're so desperate for someone else, especially Michael. It just shows what a slut you are."

My lips parted with shock at how ugly her words were, at how they cut me down and at how she saw me.

Before I could say anything, Michael leaped in. His eyes were more gray than green when he was angry. There was also a shift in the air when something pissed him off. Or maybe it was because I knew him too well to sense the slightest shift in his moods. Either way, an irate Michael was someone you _didn't_ want to deal with.

"Drew, back the fuck _off_. You don't know her so stop making shit up that doesn't exist! You're _such_ a bitch, y'know; I hate the fact that I actually believed those lies of yours. So if you're not happy that I'm spending time with Kaitlyn now that we're done, I'll have you know it's yourself to blame for flopping!" He snapped, voice trembling to suppress the white-hot anger threatening to blow up.

Drew regarded him with wordless incredulity. Her eyes were wide and gleaming. Then she pressed her lips together, shaking her head. "Whatever." She huffed and flounced away. "All I can say is this: you can put on that facade all you want but someday it's gonna bite you in the ass." She called over her shoulder.

Michael didn't move but I thought I saw something flash behind his gaze. We stared after the clique, watching them disappear round the corner.

"What did she mean?" I asked, looking up at Michael as I tried to make sense of the whole situation past my confusion.

He shook his head, snorting softly. "You know how she is. She gives and feeds off drama. I wouldn't let what she said bother me." He assured.

I bit my lip and sighed. "I guess you're right, Mikey."

We stood there awkwardly, trying to process everything. In that moment, Michael laced his fingers through mine, causing my face to flush, and squeezed my hand.

I glanced up at him, eyebrows raised as my heart fluttered wildly in my ribcage. "What is it?" My voice had shot up a few octaves. I felt like I should've pulled my hand away but there was something comforting, and right, about letting him hold my hand that way.

He offered me a small smile which set off the roar in my ears. "So what was it you wanted to talk about?"

"Oh right." I mumbled in embarrassment. "My parents were wondering if you and your family would like to come over for dinner this weekend."

A smirk played across his lips. "They really must _like_ me." He mused aloud with a smug hint.

It was hot how he seemed pleased with himself. But it was also tad irritating, reminding of times back when we were kids where he used to brag a lot about himself just to get a reaction out of me.

I frowned and smacked his arm, rolling my eyes. "Don't flatter yourself, Clifford."

*

There wasn't much to do other than re-listening to some of the albums on my iPod that afternoon. Nobody was home except for me and I didn't feel like going out to do anything in particular.

I couldn't exactly pop right over to Michael's. Even if I wanted to, I felt like I'd be bothering him, especially so since that morning we woke up next to to each other. It reminded me too much of what Drew had said and I could 't help but wonder if somehow that was true. Besides, I wasn't exactly sure of Karen's and Daryl's opinion of me after that incident

My headphones had been broken by Adam, who accidentally sat on it a few weeks ago and didn't get me a new one like he promised. My earbuds were nowhere to be found either so I had to play my music using the iPod's speakers which were sorta crap.

But that was a good thing since it didn't block the sound of the doorbell ringing.

My heart leapt asI sat up from the couch and my thought immediately registered _Michael?_

Lately I realized I had been getting a bit too eager to see that boy and I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. I didn't have anyone to talk to about my uncertainty, not even my brothers - _especially_ Jacob since I was sure he'd tease me.

I couldn't confide to Wendy either, since she basically dropped me to join Queen Drew's troll camp too. That sucked, since I would usually talk to her regarding my feelings.

Or Cilan for that matter, as he was close to Perry and would most likely spill to my ex-boyfriend by accident.

So my uncertainties over how I felt towards Michael sat in my chest like a bird in a cage, only beating its wings whenever he was around.

Though the doorbell wasn't ringing in an incessant manner, it was still a bit exasperating since it had interrupted Fall Out Boy's Take This To Your Grave.

"Coming." I called out, making my way towards the front door.

Somewhere within me, I kept thinking that when I opened the door I'd see Michael, with that small smile playing across his soft pink lips, his green eyes gleaming playfully and an amused expression on his features. He'd be in his usual dressing scheme, the one I liked best on him: band t-shirts, skinny jeans, boots and maybe a snapback.

When I opened the door, it wasn't him.

It was a girl about my age. Her cheeks were flushed and she was panting slightly as if she had run all the way to my house. Strands of her blonde hair that had strayed from her ponytail stuck on her forehead. Her brown eyes gleamed and an anxious smile was plastered on her countenance.

" _Wendy??_ "


	33. Chapter 33

I stared open-mouthed with shock at the breathless girl in the doorway, unable to believe she was actually here.

"I ... can explain." Wendy held up a finger, catching her breath.

I stood where I was, unmoving and unblinking. Perhaps it wasn't fair for her, or me for that matter, to give her the silent treatment. Inside, I wanted to know how much it had hurt me to see her practically waltz into Drew's open arms right when I needed her. I wanted her to know that her betrayal wasn't to be taken lightly nor that it wouldn't go unnoticed, even with Michael to distract me.

She regarded me with a pleading brown gaze, her lips folding upon themselves into a thin line as she straightened up. "Please, Kaitlyn?"

Part of me wanted to get mad at her, shoot my bullets at her and hurt her the way she had hurt me.

For a moment, it struck me with a jolt.

That was _exactly_ what I had done to Michael.

And look where that got us.

I sighed and moved aside to let her in. "Come on." I said and headed for the kitchen to grab her a glass of water. The sounds of her footfall followed me, assuring me in a way.

Turning around, I found her hovering near the doorway with a sort of guilty expression upon her features.

Wendy was almost the same height as I was, perhaps an inch taller. We had a similar build, slender but too slim. But appearance-wise, she always managed to look good in anything girly. Whereas I still had trouble getting myself to buy dresses, skirts and such.

With a slight shake of my head, I handed her the glass of water. "Here."

She smiled at me gratefully and took sips. Her brown eyes regarded me with caution before she spoke. "I heard about you and Perry. I'm sorry."

"No need to be."

"So, you and Michael, huh?"

What a complete 180. It didn't sit well in me. "You and Drew too." I said, not too kindly and wished I hadn't let it out so impulsively for a flash of hurt crossed Wendy's features.

She let her gaze drop to the ground as she set the glass on the counter beside her. "I know." She sighed. "You're pissed at me."

"Darn right you are."

She held up a hand. "But, I sucked it up to Drew for two reasons. Reason numero uno, I did it for you."

The anger I had felt crumbled away to bemusement, shock and disbelief. I stared at her, at a loss for words. But before I could reply, she continued.

"Numero dos, Mr Kane wanted her for a role in some end-of-year play or whatever and me being the head of the Drama and Theatrical Arts Club, I had to find a way to negotiate terms with her because God knows how --"

"Wait what?" I frowned at her. "What was _what_?"

"And like the little indecisive bitch she was, Drew couldn't even give me a straight answer and Mr Kane was adamant about her being in the play, I had to be in her clique. But it's all good now 'cause I finally got her in."

I waved my hands in objection. "No, not _that._ I meant what did you mean by the first reason?" I asked, feeling as if somebody had pulled a rug right beneath me.

A bright red blush crept up Wendy's cheeks as a sheepish look overcame her. "Er, well ..."

"Are you gonna tell me or not?" I sighed irritably, running fingers through my hair. Detachedly, I realized it was a habit I had picked up from Michael and I stopped immediately, feeling slightly embarrassed.

"I will." Wendy squeaked defiantly. "Ok, it's time for me to fess up. Sit yo ass. Let, Mama Wendy tell you a little story."

I did as I was told, suppressing a small grin of amusement. The girl I knew was still there, untainted by Drew's influence. I was proud of her.

And she began after clearing her throat. "Ok, remember that time you told me about the Clifford boy? The first time you confided with me. Yea, that one. So I noticed a lot of changes in you lately."

"Don't say puberty." I smirked.

She laughed. "No, wasn't planning to. Ever since Michael moved back here, you've been acting _different_. Not necessarily bad and not necessarily good _either_. Anyway, you do seem a bit lost, conflicted even and I can see as much whenever Clifford is around. I thought maybe he had done something to upset you a lot or maybe you were just bothered by how much he's changed."

 _Dear God, it's like she's been in my head_. I stared at her, dumbfounded.

"Perry really liked you - he still does by the way but let's save that for another day - and when you told me about what happened that night at Kirk's I couldn't help but feel mad at you. I mean, it's like cheating."

"You think I don't _know_ that?" I could hear the indignation in my tone " _Jeez_ , it's been driving me half-mad after all those --" I broke off with wide eyes, only too aware that I nearly spilled out everything to Wendy.

She narrowed her eyes but said nothing. Maybe she didn't want to know, and I was glad she didn't ask. I wasn't sure if I could explain anyway.

"But I kept thinking. Not about you, though. About him" She murmured.

" _Who_?" I asked in bewilderment.

"Michael." This was the first time I heard her address him by his first name. "It's ... I dunno _how_ to explain it. Even Drew's noticed it in him. There's something in the way his --"

Before she could finish her sentence, Wendy was cut short by the sound of the doorbell ringing again.

We exchanged frowns and got up at the same time. I made my way down the hallway withWendy trailing a few feet behind me.

When I opened the door, I wondered if the universe had been so crafty with its plans for today.

Michael regarded me with a smile on his face, one that lit up his features brighter than the sun. That expression of his set off the thunder in my ears and the strange but familiar floating sensation in my knees.

He was holding something in his hand but I was much too preoccupied by how ... excited he looked.

I blinked. "Um, hi Mikey."

"Kai." He returned and raised the item he was holding: a food container. "I told Mom about the dinner on Saturday and she said yes though I gotta ask Dad later."

"You could've just texted me." I deadpanned.

He ignored me and went on. "Also, she wanted me to give you these cookies she --" He broke off abruptly, doing a double take past me.

His features darkened, the corners of his mouth turned disapprovingly downwards and the gray flecks overtaking the green in his irises. "Oh. It's _you_." He said.

I turned around and caught Wendy regarding us both with the oddest look. A crooked smirk and narrowed eyes. It was creepy.

I shot her a glare but she ignored it.

"Heyy." She grinned, waving at Michael. "How's it going?"

He didn't even miss a beat to glower menacingly at her. "Great. Although I was about to ask you the same thing." He replied stiffly.

Wendy didn't take the bait. Instead, she smirked even more. "Well! I was just leaving." She started forward, patting me on the should. "Nice chatting with you Kaitlyn, I'll see tomorrow. And you too, Michael."

"Sure." He rolled his eyes.

"Great, high ten before I go?" She held up both hands, smiling at Michael and I.

"Deadpool." Michael mused, but still kept that smoldering expression . "No thanks, I'm good."

"Ok, sure. See ya!" With one last smirk thrown over her shoulder at me, Wendy left.

Once she disappeared down the streets, Michael spoke up. "Was she bothering you?" He asked with a sort of protective layer over his drawl.

I shook my head, biting back a smile. "Nah, she just came to explain things to me. She wasn't really one of Drew's trolls anyway."

"Hmph." He made an unconvinced noise, still staring off where she left. "I hope she wasn't causing any trouble."

"Oh, stop worrying will you?" I smiled up at him just as he turned around. The hard look in his green eyes softened into something gentler. He held up the food container. "Mom baked some cookies, actually. She thought you might like to try, seeing as you used to have an interest in baking."

My heart fluttered warmly in my chest; I couldn't help but feel flattered and I wondered if it was her or Michael who remembered.

The sides of my mouth curled upwards. "Thank you." I accepted it from him, and in the process, our fingers brushed. It was fleeting but enough to spark a conflagration in my veins.

I bit my lip to hide the hitch in my breath and raised my eyes to glance at him through my lashes.

He was running finger through his fair hair, gaze carefully averted. "Yea." He said awkwardly.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" I asked, just for the sake of something to say. Belatedly I was aware of how dreadfully eager I sounded and tried to backpedal. "I mean, if --"

Michael nodded and hesitated. Then he spread his arms slightly. "Not to seem pushy or whatever but since we're friends now --"

He didn't have to finish for I had gladly accepted the hug.

Michael tensed for a moment before wrapping his arms around me as if he didn't want to let me go.

With the scent of cinnamon filling my lungs, the warmth of his body seeping from the thin fabric of his t-shirt intermingling with mine and his cheek resting on the top of my head, this was what I loved feeling around him. The sense of safety and security

It was in that kind of moment that I forget what he was keeping from me.


	34. Chapter 34

"This song _is_ kinda catchy." I said, glancing to my right at my brother, Adam, who was driving.

Adam nodded, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel to the music. His mahogany brown hair had grown longer than he usually wore it so some of it fell across his face in a rumpled mess. He pushed back his hair. "Jake suggested I listen to the album but I guess it's ok."

"Mm Jake and his Justin Bieber fetish." I laughed, remember when my older brother had dragged me along to see his idol's concert.

Adam's lips curled upwards into an amused grin, his eyes sparking mirthfully. "The other day I caught him reading JB fanfiction online. On some site called Wattpad. I think it was smut."

My cheeks flamed as I whirled around to cast him and disbelieving look. "What the heck?"

"Yea it was a boy and boy thing." He smirked.

"I didn't know Jacob was ..." I began but he cut me off.

"He's working on coming out. He told he was pansexual." He said coolly. "Anyway, what did Mom say we have to get?" He reached inside jean pocket, digging around before handing me a crumpled note.

I smoothed it against the dashboard and read the spidery handwriting. "Just groceries for tonight." I bit my lip when I remembered the Cliffords were coming over.

Cutting a look to Adam, I saw how tense he had become, shifting from the lighthearted mood he was in earlier. He still didn't think much of Michael and neither did we talk about it. Besides, Adam was very protective of me, which was both endearing _and_ annoying.

His knuckles whitened against the steering wheel. "What happened that night?"

My heart did a flip in my chest. "Which night?"

His voice was smooth and calm but beneath it lay the dangerous undertone. "When he slept over."

I felt my face burn. "We didn't have sex, if that's what you want to know." I said, uncharacteristically irritated. "Michael _isn't_ a douchebag." I crossed my arms.

Adam was silent, his gold eyes burning like embers against the stark darkness of night. "That doesn't make me any less worried for you."

I stared at him, incredulous and indignant. Opening my mouth, I thought of all the nasty things I wanted to say but bit back. I couldn't risk snapping this tension between us. It was bad enough that we disagreed on Michael; it would be worse if I gave him more reasons to hate my friend.

"You don't know him." I breathed, steadying my pounding heart. "If you took the chance to know him ... then maybe --"

"Look, I don't expect you to see it the way I do." Adam cut me off, the impatience in his tone loud and clear. "But the both of you --" He broke off with an irritated noise.

I stared hard at the car ahead of us, not allowing the stinging pressure in my eyes to relieve itself in moist steaks.

" _Am I in love with you? Or am I in love with the feeling? I'm trying to find the truth. But sometimes the heart is deceiving_."

The Justin Bieber song was nearly over and the chorus got to me the most.

I closed my eyes and rested back against my seat, letting childhood memories of Michael and I wash over me.

*

Adam had basically ditched me in his quest for groceries. He had told me he was fine and that he could do all of it himself _without_ my help. It had hurt as I watched him walk away, his posture rigid and his eyes burning.

Without anything else to do, I made my way to the music store, wanting to lose myself to browsing some of the albums they had on sale.

Ashton wasn't there. His shift was either over or it hadn't started but the bubblegum-pink haired girl, Cheryl, sat at the counter, reading a copy of the _Kerrang!_ magazine. She looked up just as I entered and shot me a friendly smile, indicating she remembered me.

I returned her sweet expression with my own and made my way to the alternative section. There was a particular band I was not familiar with and Michael had played me one of their tunes at school. He said the song was called I Write Sins Not Tragedies and that the band was called Panic! At The Disco.

My eyes scanned over the labels and landed on what I was looking for. It was a newer album by the same band called Death of A Bachelor. I was about to have a look at it when a voice, bearing a Hispanic accent, spoke up.

" _Hola_. We meet again."

I swiveled my gaze to the direction of the voice and saw a familiar looking boy regarding me. I frowned when recognition hit me. "Hey." I said tentatively. "You're ... that guy from Kirk's party, right?"

He chuckled, enigmatic eyes flashing mirthfully. "Raphael." He said, inclining his head.

"Ah." I nodded awkwardly, not knowing what else to say. My face was warm with embarrassment for this stranger had basically seen me when I as inebriated. "So, what are you doing here?"

Raphael's lips quirked upwards. "My younger sister collects vinyls so I decided to get one for her birthday." He explained, the roll of his Hispanic accent was hot. "What about you?"

"Just having a look." I replied airily.

Raphael pushed back a strand of his dark, curling hair from his face as a pensive expression overcame his features. "I hope you don't mind if I ask but how is it going with you and that ... Michael fellow?" He inquired with a hint of concern mingling with curiosity in his tone.

I smiled as happy thoughts of Michael came into my mind. "Oh we managed to make it up to each other so I'd say everything is going well."

"That's good."

"Yea. It is." Then I hesitated. I didn't want to develop a habit of spilling stuff about me that strangers couldn't care about but Raphael seemed like an understanding guy so I decided try. "But recently Michael's been acting ... _strange_."

He raised an eyebrow quizzically. "Strange?" He echoed in a small voice.

"Mhm. I don't know it's like he's keeping something from me. And it's not helping that one of his friends told me he had problems before he moved back to here in Sydney."

Raphael frowned, cocking his head to the side. "Where did this Michael guy live before moving here?"

"We grew up here, actually but he moved to Perth when I was 9 so --"

"Kai?"

The voice was melodic to my ears, despite being tinged with concern. It was as familiar as the back of my hands. I glanced at where the voice came from.

Michael stood a few feet away from Raphael and I. His fair hair was tousled as it always was and he was dressed in a pullover hoodie and jeans with boots. But that wasn't what stopped me. It was Michael's expression.

He had gone as white as a sheet when his eyes landed on Raphael before something sparked behind those green eyes of his. It was brief and not long enough for me to have read what it meant. I assumed perhaps it was jealousy but then again why would Michael be jealous?

My nerves tingled as I glanced between Raphael and him. "Oh, hi Mikey." I said a little shakily as my heart pounded at the sight of him.

Raphael stared at Michael for a moment as long as Michael stared at him with an impassive look. Then he smiled.

"Sorry, Kaitlyn. I must go now." Raphael said to me. "I just thought I'd say hi to you. Anyway, I'll see you around."

"Wait --"

But the Hispanic boy had turned on his heel and strode away from me, exiting the store without a word.

Biting my lip, I turned slowly back to Michael who had closed the distance between us, leaving only inches of space.

He was looking down at me, lower lip in between his teeth. "Hi." He said softly and my veins hummed with warmth.

"Hey." I replied, pushing the strange feeling I had gotten earlier to the back of my mind. "What's up?"

"Nothing much." Michael said and turned his attention to the album in my hand. A smile curled the corners of his mouth upwards. "You actually went to look for a copy, didn't you?"

I placed the CD back where it belonged as heat flamed my face. "Eh, I was just having a look."

Michael scoffed, shaking his head as a smirk formed. "Sure you were." Then a serious expression settled his features as he regarded me carefully. "Um that guy wasn't bothering you, was he?"

"Why would _he_ be bothering me?" I asked in bemusement.

"Oh."

I touched his arm lightly, trying to catch his gaze. "Why?"

"Who is he?"

"Some guy I met at Kirk's party. I said and felt Michael stiffen. "We _just_ met, Mikey. We didn't _do_ anything." I assured.

"Oh."

"Can you something other than giving me monosyllabic replies?" I teased, poking him.

A small smile on his lips cracked the tension but I still saw a trace of it behind his eyes. I decided not to say anything about it and told myself that he was just worried for me, like any friend should be.

Or had his worry arose due to something else?

I shook my head to dispel those thoughts. _That's crazy. Stop it, Kaitlyn._

"I'm actually nervous for tonight." Michael's voice jarred me out of my reverie, sounding anxious.

"Me too." I agreed, laughing a little. I regarded him through my lashes in a shy manner. "What are you gonna wear tonight?" I asked quietly.

He chewed the insides of his mouth thoughtfully before answering. "Something decent." He replied cryptically.

I gave him a look.

"It's a surprise, ok?" He winked, smirking. The gesture made my heart flutter wildly in my chest and my cheeks to warm in response.

It was so cheeky and flirtatious that I felt stupid when I gave him a monosyllabic reply. "Oh."

"What's the matter?" Michael teased, smirking at my lack of words to respond properly.

I bit back a grin and smacked him on his arm. "Stop making fun of me. Don't be a dumb-butt." I shot back, using a word we used to say when one of us was being mean.

Michael laughed, a clear harmonious and joyful sound. "Dumb-butt." He snorted. He was smiling at me in a way that made me want to wrap my arms around him and rest my head against his forehead. Perhaps that was crazy of me to feel that way but I really wanted to close the distance between us.

But how could I not feel that way?

His was a tender expression, his green eyes filled with warmth. The smile playing on his lips was the sort of smile people gave when they really enjoyed doing something or being with someone.

We stared at each other, unmoving. His eyes flickered downwards on my face where they lingered before pulling back to meet my gaze. I began to lean forward. Michael did the same, feeling the same gravity I felt.

Our noses brushed when my phone interrupted the moment by releasing the marimba ringtone, a harsh sound that broke the spell between us.

Michael's eyes widened fractionally as he pulled away, pale cheek flushed with a high color. "U-Um, you should --"

I fished my phone, checking the caller ID and bit back a groan of annoyance. It was Adam.

"I'll see you tonight." I said, looking back at Michael who had his eyes averted.

"Yea." He nodded, suddenly falling quiet.

I bit my lip, hesitating for a moment before standing on my tiptoes and pressing a kiss to his cheek. It was supposed to be a platonic gesture. After all, we had done this sometimes when we were kids.

But this one felt different somehow in my heart.

When I drew back, Michael was regarding me with astonishment, his lips parted and green eyes wide.

I offered him a smile, squeezing his hand before I left. "See ya."

As I passed the counter, I heard Cheryl mutter something under her breath that sounded suspiciously a lot like "Just _date_ already."


	35. Chapter 35

"Kaitlyn dear, you look fine. Don't worry about it." My mom gave me an amused smile when she saw me checking my reflection in the mirror located at the hallway.

I turned around, feeling a frown coming up. "I'm so nervous." I admitted quietly, looking up at her as I bit my lip. The word didn't quite describe what I was feeling. It was a hurricane of emotions in my chest, intermingling into a storm that left me feeling dazed.

I was excited to see Michael, of course, but at the same time I was worried that I was underdressed.

I glanced down at my choice of clothing.

I wore a simple white frock, with floral designs, that came just right above my knees. There was a ribbon on my back that I was worried would come undone.

Sensing that, my mother moved behind me and checked before tying it up. "Don't worry; it's just the Cliffords dear." She said kindly and touched my shoulder gently once she was done.

"I know." I sighed, looking at her over my shoulder. "But it's Michael. I mean, what if something were to happen?"

My mother laughed in motherly amusement. "May I ask where all these anxiety is coming from?"

I opened my mouth to speak then closed it. My cheeks warmed up at the possibility all this was coming from some deeply kept secret in my heart. "I --" I pushed back a stray strand of hair absentmindedly. "Well ..."

She gave me a knowing grin when my father appeared at the foot of the stairs, grinning at the both of us.

"My, you look pretty." He winked at my mother, to which I got the meaning, and smiled at me. "Dressing up for anyone in particular?" That question was directed at me otherwise there wouldn't be the trace of a teasing tone in his voice.

" _Dad_." I groaned.

"Oh alright." He chuckled and entered the living area with a smirk. I could hear my brothers bickering over utensils in there and my parents chiding them but other than that, I could hear my heart pounding hard against my chest.

This was a new urge, one I hadn't previously felt so strongly before.

I didn't know what had possessed me this morning to wear a dress for Michael.

Initially, I had reasoned with myself that this was a dinner and of course I'd have to wear something nice but then some part of my head convinced me that since Michael had never seen me in anything other than t-shirts, jeans or skirts, wearing a dress would be a pleasant surprise for him.

Not that a surprise like this would go noticed anyway.

Michael was just a friend. Besides, even if he did notice, it wasn't like anything extraordinary would happen.

I was jarred out of my thoughts when the sound of the doorbell echoed throughout my house. I started, staring wide-eyed at the front door with surprise. My throat began to close up with worry and I did one last check before hurrying to answer.

Fortunately, my parents were already there greeting the Cliffords.

Polite talk was exchanged between our families and I didn't quite notice him, as I was that distracted, until he stood before me.

My breath caught.

Though he had done away the band t-shirts and ripped jeans, Michael still looked handsome in a red flannel with its sleeves rolled up, a black t-shirt and regular jeans that didn't have holes in them. Though I realized he was wearing his bracelets again.

"Hey." He grinned at me, green eyes twinkling.

I felt my cheeks warm. "Hi." My lips curved upwards. "Sup."

Michael chuckled. "Sup? Is that what you're gonna say to me?"

I shrugged, trying to think past that warm, fuzzy feeling in my being. There was a buzz in my veins just by standing in his proximity, a pull I couldn't explain and it was heady.

"Well, I don't know how else to start a conversation at this moment." I admitted, laughing a little awkwardly.

Michael snorted, rolling his eyes in amusement. "We could always talk about bands." He suggested.

"The Only Reason is awesome." I said automatically, naming a tune that had gotten stuck in my head.

"Shut up!" He exclaimed in disbelief. "Me too! Mitch Caldwell was on point." He said excitedly, saying the lead guitarist's name.

"Nah, I think Caleb Holden was better." I opined pensively. "Though, Lewis Hildegarde wasn't too bad himself."

"Ew."

My gaze swiveled to his in utter incredulity, not believing he had just said that when I saw the twinkle in his gray-green eyes. "Oh, very funny Mikey." I scowled and smacked him on his arm.

He laughed, giving me a hug.

I was sure it was meant to be a good-natured one but I couldn't help but feel slightly flustered, the heady sensation of giddiness overtaking my senses the way his scent of cinnamon entered my system.

"I'm just joking. I didn't mean to offend you." He assured but it was hard to hear that past the loud pounding of my heart.

"Um ok."

*

There was a slight change in Michael's composure later. Perhaps it was in the waver of his smile or the way the blood drained from his face. Whatever the case, I knew something was up.

Everyone was seated at the table. Right across me sat Michael, so it wasn't any difficulty to notice his expression change.

"Would you like some wine?" My father held up a bottle of the alcoholic beverage, looking at both Daryl and Karen. I didn't know what was with adults and wine. I remembered once when I was about 12 years old, I had snuck into the wine cabinet and tried a sip.

I hated the taste. I hated alcohol even more ever since Kirk's party.

I pressed my lips together and said nothing when I saw how Daryl and Karen exchanged glances.

There were traces of unease in their expressions and hesitance. At first I thought maybe it was because they were on some sort of diet that didn't include wine of any sort and didn't want to look impolite.

And I turned to look at Michael.

His eyes were carefully averted away from the adults, the set of his shoulders stiff and his features pale. He was frozen in his spot, unmoving until his parents politely declined.

I frowned, wondering what was with his reaction. Ashton's words came echoing in my head.

 _He's had ... problems_.

Could it be that alcohol was one of those problems? Was that why he had acted up?

My mind flashed back to the night when I stayed at his place, memories returning with vivid detail. If I remembered correctly, he had been throwing dishes at the wall. He mentioned something ... something that went like 'after everything that happened with --"

My heart did a slow flip in my chest as I raised my eyes to him.

Michael's posture bore signs of his initial discomfort but his expression was unreadably impassive.

It was that look in his face that I knew something was wrong. I hadn't seem it in awhile and the fact that Michael wore that mask worried me a lot.

As if aware of the weight of my gaze on him, Michael glanced at me and flashed a smile. But it never quite reached his eyes and it didn't convince me that what I had seen was just a figment of my imagination.

*

Once dinner was finished, the adults and my brothers retreated to the living area to have small talk.

I had went to my room to retrieve a hairband before going downstairs only to find Michael nowhere to be seen. The bathroom down the hallways was unoccupied and I didn't see him in the kitchen either. Passing by the living room, I didn't catch the sight of him.

I sighed, trying to figure out where Michael could've went and leaned against the wall as I thought.

"Kat, what are you doing here?" Liam asked, looking at me curiously. I hadn't heard him approach me so I started when I heard his voice.

"Oh, uh." I mumbled, biting my lip as I fought back against the heat fanning my cheeks.

It took only a heartbeat for him to know the answer. His blue gaze flickered. "I saw him go outside to the backyard for a bit earlier. Said he needed fresh air."

"Thank you." I responded in relief, patting my brother's arm before setting towards the back door. Sure enough when I opened it, Michael was outside, leaning against the wall.

The faint light of the moon made the ends of his fair hair turn silver and his green eyes flicker brightly. His hair was messier than before and the sleeves of his shirt were rolled down.

His expression was distant and thoughtful so I wasn't sure if he was aware that I was just an arm's length away from him. He appeared so deep in contemplation that I hesitated to pull him out of his reverie.

I was spared from the trouble of disturbing him.

"Hey Kai." He said as a small smile turned the corners of his lips upwards. It lacked the usual enthusiasm in it, I noticed.

I exhaled my nerves and closed the distance between us, leaning beside him. I could smell the warm, comforting scent of cinnamon on him, which gave me the boost I needed.

"What are you doing out here?" I questioned softly, not daring to speak above a whisper.

"Nothing, I guess." He replied cryptically.

My heart was fluttering hard against my ribcage like a trapped bird and a breathless sensation overtook my lungs when, against my volition, my slender fingers laced themselves with his spatulate ones.

He stiffened, for a millisecond, before the tension left his body. Then his hand enclosed mine, squeezing it.

The buzz in my veins created a heady rush in my head, making it feel as if I was floating. It was addictive.

"You look pretty."

It was a simply comment but its effect was beyond that

My cheeks warmed considerably as my heart fluttered hard against my ribcage. A giddy sort of high seized me into lightheadedness. "Thank you." I squeaked. "You too." I added without thinking.

He chuckled, looking at me with amusement. "I'm pretty too?"

My lips parted with shock, face burning even more. Shit, why was I messing this up?

"What? Oh I meant to say --"

He nudged me with his elbow with a playful smirk on his handsome features. The initial pensive expression had faded, giving way to the smiley Michael I felt more comfortable with. "I know. I was just messing around."

I rolled my eyes. After a moment's hesitation, I rested my head on his shoulder.

In response, he laid his cheek atop my head, fingers playing with mine.

It was a perfect moment, except that sort of intimacy wasn't the sort of thing that was supposed to exist between us at the moment.

And my chest actually hurt at that thought.

I bit my lip. "Is there something bothering you Mikey?" I asked.

I felt him stiffen against me and knew something was off.

"Kai, nothing's wrong." He spoke without inflection. There was a deadly quiet way to which he was speaking and it scared me.

But there was no way I was letting him shoulder his burdens himself.

"Don't lie to me, Mikey." I heard the harshness in my soft whisper. From the corner of my eye, I caught Michael turn his head to look at me. "If you're worried about anything between us changing --"

"As a matter of fact, I am." Michael cut me off, voice cracking. "I'm worried and afraid and that's why I've been keeping it away from you."

My fingers separated from his at once. In my mind, I had anticipated this would happen and told myself to leave it be but my heart was pounding with refusal to accept the fact and was defying every order.

"Keeping _what_ away from me?" I demanded, prying my hand from his as I stepped in front of him so that we were face-to-face.

He met my gaze with his own that burned bright behind that impassive expression.

"You're my _friend_ , Mikey. And --"

"And I'd prefer it if we kept it that way." He snapped.

I stared at him, shocked that his affectionate mood had shifted so quickly.

"Just because we're friends doesn't entitle you to be so _nosy_ about me!"

Pain skewered its spears into my chest the moment I heard the savagery in his tone. My mouth parted in shock as I stared at him in utter incredulity.

The flames behind his lambent eyes that had blazed earlier died a little. He drew a shaky breath, assessing the bombshell that blew up as if he couldn't believe he caused the explosion.

I bit my lip, shaking my head. My eyes were stinging, my vision misting at the sides. I only wanted to help him out and this happened. I took a step back from him. " _Fine_ then."

"Kaitlyn --" He began, reaching out but I spurned his hand away before he could touch me and stormed back inside.


	36. Chapter 36

I sighed, burying my face into hands as I wracked my brain to solve the critical-response question from my History homework. But no matter how much I tried, my mind was blocked by last night's events.

The images of Michael's expressions flooded me as his words echoed in my head, making the stillness of the library become more and more unbearable. With an impatient noise, I increased the volume of my iPod, trying to block it out with Fall Out Boy.

Disappointingly, _Sugar, We're Going Down_ did nothing to drown those images out.

Even though I had seen Michael earlier, the tension in the air between us as I passed by his spot in homeroom was palpable. For the whole lesson, I barely managed to pay attention to Mr Kane in the front because I was more focused on not looking at Michael.

And that was hard because whenever I was around him there was always a compulsive urge to let my gaze settle on him.

Wendy couldn't hang out with me during Study Hall so I was by myself in a corner of the school library where no one really visited.

I made an irritated noise, annoyed how empty it felt to be all alone and selected Andy Black instead and hummed along to _Love Was Made To Break_.

I barely heard him speak over Andy's husky vocals. Glancing up, I started. "O-Oh, hi there." I yanked out my earbuds, forcing down my surprise and nervousness. "Perry."

My ex-boyfriend nodded and took a brief look at the seat across me. "Is that seat taken? The rest of the library is either taken by kids who decided to take a nap or copy their friends' homework."

I stared at him for a moment too long, unintentionally letting the awkwardness balloon up as I processed what Perry just said. Realization dawned on me.

"Oh, right. Sure. Go ahead." Since I didn't have a clear view of the rest of the library as rows of shelves were in the way from my corner, I simply let it slide.

Watching him carefully, I attempted not to let the memory of our breakup affect me. I decided to test the waters. "So, how's it going Per?"

He glanced up from his Math worksheet and shrugged. His hazel eyes were held a hesitant expression. "I ... don't know how to answer that." He admitted sheepishly, high color flushing his freckled cheeks.

"You know what? Just forget what I asked." I felt myself burn in embarrassment as well, wanting to kick myself for asking such a stupid question.

"How about you?"

I froze momentarily before I cleared my throat, shaking my head. "I guess I'm doing ok ..."

A small smile played on his lips. "That's good."

"Mm."

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. From the way he was staring off into space, I could tell there was something he wanted to say.

Perry waited for a heartbeat or two then spoke. "I ... hope everything's alright between you and --"

I felt myself stiffen up, heartbeat skipping at the anticipation of the next thing he was going to say.

"-- Wendy."

The tension left my body, cool relief escaping from the tight know in my chest. "Oh, yea. It's cool between us." I answered, noticing the breathlessness in my tone.

He raised an eyebrow. "Really? I see her hanging around Drew a lot and I thought ..." He trailed off uncomfortably.

I released a small laugh of assurance. "No, everything's alright between us. Wendy's just with Drew for the Drama and Theater club."

He nodded, twirling a pen in his left hand absentmindedly. But that wasn't what he wanted to say. I knew that when he piped up again. "How about you and Clifford?"

My chest tightened involuntarily at the mention of Michael, remembering the way he snapped at me. The smile on my face faltered and my gaze dropped to my assignment at hand. "Um, I have no idea." I replied cryptically, hearing my own voice crack.

Perry drew in a slow breath, tapping his fingers lightly on the table surface. "Something happened, didn't it?"

I remained silent and tight-lipped. I didn't trust myself to speak.

"Listen, Kaitlyn, I'm sorry about the way I reacted the day we broke up."

My eyes snapped upwards at him, wide with surprise. I stared at him incredulously, wondering if I had imagined.

His contrite hazel gaze met mine. "I-I really am." He admitted guiltily. "I didn't know he basically grew up with you before he moved away and you probably see him as a brother figure so I guess it makes sense that you chose him over me. And I realized I've been such an idiot for thinking otherwise and acting impulsively on that biased notion of mine."

I blinked in confusion, my forehead creasing. Shakily taking in a breath, I leaned back in my seat to process it all.

Perry and I regarded each other in silence, his gaze was filled with worry and mine was bewilderment. The conversation had already lulled itself into awkwardness so it made it difficult to come up with a reply that didn't sound hurtful or indifferent.

I should've said something. Anything.

But it wasn't me who broke the quiet.

Perry began, his tone taking on a nervous tinge. "If you're willing to give me another chance ..."

"Perry." I began but before I could finish there was a loud thud that came from my left side.

We jumped and I swiveled to look at the source of the noise. My heart flipped sickeningly in my chest.

A few feet away was Michael, picking up a heavy looking book he had ostensibly dropped.

The fair-haired boy straightened up.

It was when I knew Michael heard it all.

He was avoiding my gaze, his expression impassive but tight-lipped as though he were holding it inside himself. He refused to say anything, instead turned on his heel and marched away.

I opened my mouth to call his name but bit back. No, Michael didn't want to see me.

I had been a busybody last night, wanting to know what was up with him when he wasn't ready to share. And being here with Perry when I knew Michael, though I knew he wouldn't admit this, was jealous of my ex.

I looked back at Perry but found him with an uncomfortable expression on his features.

"Um, I just remembered I had something to do with Cilan and Pete." He excused himself, gathering his homework. "I'll see you around Kaitlyn."

I had never felt so trapped.

*

I made a noise of frustration as my last call went straight to voicemail. Glaring at the screen that displayed Michael's name, I set it down on the table with a clatter and rested my head on my hands, staring out my bedroom window where I could see the twilit sky.

Had it really been almost a week since Michael last slept here?

I exhaled and sighed, scrubbing the back of my hand across my face. I wasn't surprised when it came away wet.

Spending a day without uttering a single word to Michael hurt a lot more than I thought. Then again, what could I do? He basically pushed me away before he realized he had gone too far and instead of acting rationally, I stormed away from him.

I didn't blame him for not talking to me today since it would come as no surprise if he thought I was mad at him.

My parents were working the night shift and only my brothers and I were at home. I briefly considered talking to one of them about my situation. Knowing I couldn't ask Adam because he'd just get exasperated that I was still close with Michael, or Jacob because he'd only tease me and get us nowhere.

I wasn't particularly wild about the idea of asking Liam to help me out. Besides, I wasn't sure if relationships were his thing. For the past 15 years of my life, I have never heard him talk about anyone special.

"Don't be a chicken." I muttered to myself and set off towards the triplets' room.

The three boys shared the same room, despite their age (18 years old) which most people would find that weird since youths their age would prefer to have a room of their own but the triplets would rather be together or not at all.

I knocked on their bedroom door, staring at the posters of Sleeping With Sirens, Zayn and Little Mix as I waited for it to open. Noises of shuffling as well as an exasperated grunt of 'you get it' followed before a fair-haired head popped round the door.

"Yea?" Liam asked.

"Just who I was looking for." I said.

"Me?" Jacob squeezed himself through, grinning smugly. "Well, I'm very flattered that my little --"

"I was talking to Liam.

"You _were_?" Both Jacob and Liam sounded baffled. The two of them exchanged stares that lasted no longer than 3 seconds before Jacob backed off, muttering incoherently under his breath.

Liam frowned and smacked his arm when I caught the trace of a small grin. He turned back to me with arched eyebrows. "So is there something you wanted?" He questioned, closing the door behind him as he stepped out of the room.

I nodded, biting my lip. "I wanted to talk about Michael."

His lips curled upwards in amusement. "Why am I not surprised?"

*

"He hasn't been answering my calls and I'm guessing that it has something to do with the conversation I had with Perry today." I expressed my worry, frustration and guilt, watching as Liam mixed batter in a bowl. "Are we having pancakes?" I asked abruptly.

He shook his head. "Nope. Just wanted some waffles. Thought I'd use the mix. Anyway, you were saying?"

"Oh right." I said, searching through the cabinets for the waffle maker. "So as I was saying that I think I've upset Michael in some way." Finding the machine, I passed it to Liam.

"I can't imagine." My brother responded though there was a slight curl in his tone. "Why'd you think he was upset?"

I sighed, running fingers through my hair. "Because he basically dropped a heavy book on the floor before I could answer Perry. And that he didn't even look at me. Besides, Michael did refer to Perry as his _replacement_." The word was difficult for me to say.

I remembered the bitterness in Michael's tone when he spoke of Perry that way. My chest tightened in my chest. No one could ever replace Michael in my heart and it saddened me a lot that he thought that way.

"Hasn't it occurred to you that he might _actually_ be jealous of Perry?" Liam inquired mildly.

I stared at him, at a loss of words. It wasn't that I was surprised by what he said. It was just that I had considered this possibility but dismissed it because the notion felt ridiculous.

"I have." I admitted, slowly. "But why would Michael even be _jealous_? I mean, he's my friend and well - why are you looking at me like that?" My cheeks warmed when I noticed the way my brother was regarding me.

I could only describe the gaze as an admixture of disbelief, exasperation and pity.

"What?" I demanded defensively, crossing my arms.

Liam deadpanned. "Kaitlyn. Are you sure he's _just_ a friend?"

I averted my eyes, feeling myself burn up. Sure Michael and I did _some_ things that friends wouldn't normally do but he _did_ confirm himself that he wanted us to be friends.

But did I really want him to be a friend?

I felt like there was something more that I wanted but my mind argued it wouldn't be right or would it?

Oh geez I was really working myself up a cliff, wasn't I?

"Maybe you should think about it." My brother broke into my reverie, patting my shoulder and nodding sympathetically. "Then maybe you could talk about it to Michael but don't make it too direct. You might scare the poor boy off."

"Ha ha." I made a face at him and thwacked him with his favorite pink apron I grabbed from the counter.


	37. Chapter 37

Unnecessary worry was spiking my anxiety levels. I hadn't seen Michael during homeroom and in the classes we shared before lunch so I figured something must've happened to him.

My mind kept flashing back to the panic attack he had the other day and I found myself pacing down the school hallways towards the haunt where I could find both Calum and Luke.

It wasn't really that difficult since Michael once told me that they frequented that place on a daily basis -unless they were in detention - managing to sneak food in without getting caught or anything.

And that place was the music room.

It was hard not to think of Michael when I placed my hand on the door, all the memories of what happened here flooding my mind.

Guitar and bass chords were leaking out, sounding familiar to my ears. I still held onto the hope that he was inside, playing.

When I pushed the door, I didn't find the green-eyed boy I was looking for.

Instead, a curly dark-haired boy and a blue eyed boy glanced up at me.

They froze, thinking I was a teacher come to shout at them but relaxed when they recognized me.

Calum waved at me, patting on the seat beside him. "Hey Kaitlyn. Wanna join our little band?"

"We'd make an awesome trio." Luke added lightheartedly, grinning as he strummed a chord that belonged to one of Paramore's songs. "We can call ourselves _Bromance_!"

"I'm actually cringing really hard but you can't see it." Calum poked his best friend's shoulder with the bass guitar. "This is why Ashton and Michael can never take our musical dreams seriously."

I couldn't help but smile at their sunny moods as I took a seat beside Calum. "You're making a band?"

"I think Pretentious Streetlights would make a good name." Luke pitched in.

"Streetlights aren't pretentious." Calum argued.

"Band names don't have to make sense as long as they are catchy."

"It's quite a mouthful." I opined and watched as Luke's smile falter. I shrugged apologetically. "5 Seconds of Summer sounds good."

Luke and Calum laughed at once.

"That's a cute one." Calum nodded, scratching his chin with a contemplative expression on his features.

"But nah, we're just messing around." Luke waved his hand dismissively. "Anyway, if you're looking for Michael he isn't here."

" _Obviously_." I chimed in sarcasm then shook my head. "But where _is_ Michael?" I asked, hearing the worry in my tone.

Calum bit his lip and exchanged glances with Luke. That wasn't good. To me, it meant that they knew something but weren't inclined to share with me at all.

"You don't have to hide it from me." I sighed with resignation. "I'm worried about Michael too."

 _A lot_. I added silently.

A few moments passed, spent in silence before Luke cleared his throat. He deliberately took the time to adjust the strings on his guitar before speaking up in a quiet voice. "Michael said he's sick."

"Sick." I echoed disbelievingly, narrowing my eyes at him. "Of what? Me?"

"Oh no that's not what I meant!" Luke backpedaled, squeaking as he shook his head rapidly. "I just --"

"We actually don't know." Calum interjected, exhaling as he propped the bass guitar on the side of his chair. He scrubbed his hand on his face. "He just sounded really stuffy so we just let him be. Besides, Michael's a stubborn dude so there's not much we can do to convince him a cold isn't a really good excuse to skip school."

"Oh Mikey." I muttered under my breath, feeling worry well up in my chest at the thought of him being unwell. I briefly considered visiting him later. "D'you think he'd want me to visit him?"

Luke's eyebrows shot upwards. "I don't see why not. Unless the both of you fought --" He broke off abruptly, mouth hanging open when he saw my expression.

"No way! You guys actually _did_??" I could hear the sheer incredulity in his voice.

"Sweet mother of pearls." Calum added, sounding vexed.

I flushed in embarrassment. "No, we didn't fight! Well, maybe just a little. But that's not the point!" I protested before they could say anything. "I thought maybe it was because Perry asked me whether I'd give him another shot and Michael overheard so I think be must be upset."

Calum snorted, rolling his eyes. I couldn't tell if it was me or Michael he was exasperated with. "Just go and see him after school. I'm sure he won't mind."

"Who knows he might feel better." Luke chimed in agreement.

*

"Has he seen the doctor?" My mother asked as she drove me to Michael's.

I shrugged, staring out the car window. My heart was pounding hard in my chest, apprehension putting a damper on my intention to see Michael. "I hope so. I heard from Calum and Luke that he might have a cold since they said he sounded stuffy."

My mother nodded, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel. Apparently I noticed with detachment that my brothers had the same habit of doing so while waiting for the traffic light to turn green.

"What's in the container?" She asked, glancing at what I was holding.

I felt my cheeks warm considerably. At that time when I prepared it for Michael, somehow doing so felt right but I wondered if this was a tad bit too much. "Chicken soup." I replied in a small voice.

From the corner of my peripheral, I caught her lips lift upwards. "Alright." She responded with a teasing hint in her tone.

"Mom."

"I said _alright_." She laughed, looking at me. "Oh honey, you don't have to look so uncomfortable. I'm sure the soup tastes delicious. Besides, how can Michael say no?"

" _Mom_." I groaned, squeezing my eyes shut. Past my embarrassment, I was worried if Michael would find the taste to his liking. Detachedly I wondered if this was how most girls felt when they prepared something for their significant others to eat.

Not that Michael equated to _that_ but I was already feeling the pressure on my anxiety level, causing it to shoot through the roof.

As soon as we pulled up on the Clifford's driveway my mother touched my hand. "You'll be fine, dear." She assured. "You do look a bit queasy."

"I'm fine." I said dismissively, trying to steady my fast heartbeat. "I'll see you later." After pressing a quick kiss on her cheek, I made my way towards the front door and rang the doorbell.

After the second ring, the door opened, revealing a middle-aged man behind it with Michael's green eyes. A smile spread across his features upon recognition. "Kaitlyn!" He exclaimed by way of greeting.

"G'day Mr Clifford - I mean, Daryl." I corrected myself, flushing.

Daryl simply moved aside to let me in. "You must be here to see Mikey."

I nodded and held up the container O was holding. Feeling myself choke up for a moment, I cleared my throat to dispel the nervousness. "I-I brought him some soup." My voice was squeaky.

Daryl smiled understandingly. "Oh that's awfully nice of you. Here, I'll just put this in the kitchen for him. Mikey's upstairs in his room." He informed.

*

The familiar sensation of breathlessness and lightheadedness had seized me when I found myself outside of Michael's room, staring at the door.

I raised my hand to knock but faltered, feeling as if I didn't have the strength to do so.

 _Does he even want to see me?_ I thought to myself. _What if he doesn't want to?_

I sighed in defeat, running my fingers through my hair. This was harder than I thought it would be.

 _Maybe if I left quietly_ \--

No.

Before I could think twice about it, his name escaped my lips. "Mikey?"

I held my breath. I wasn't expecting anything, particularly, but when there was no response, disappointment bubbled in my chest. Perhaps he was asleep.

Sighing, I made to turn but froze when I heard shuffling from inside.

There was a soft creak.

"Kai?"

His voice, though raspy and dry, still sounded melodic to my ears. Slowly, I turned around.

Michael's hair was disheveled and his eyes were bleary with shadows under them. He looked awful.

My heart tightened in my chest as we stared at each other for a heartbeat of two.

"Mikey." I whispered and bit my lip. "I heard you were unwell and --"

"I'm tired." He said.

I frowned, noticing that he didn't sound stuffy _at all_.

He must've dangled his head over the edge of his bed when Calum called him just to make it sound as if he had a cold. At least, that was what my Dad had said as a joke however I didn't know whether it worked or not.

"You sound fine to me." I mumbled.

Michael shook his head, running fingers through his rumpled blond hair. "I'm tired of people." He muttered wearily with a sigh.

For some unknown reason, it struck a chord in me. Indignation squeezed my chest. "I don't suppose it had something to do with Perry." My tone turned frigid.

Michael leaned against the doorjamb, narrowing his gaze into irritable green slits. "I'd rather you not talk about him. I've had enough of --"

"Was that why you left without saying anything?" I interrupted, looking at him straight in the eyes. "That Perry wanted to another chance. Were you upset by it?"

He was silent for a moment. "Would it make a difference if I was?" Michael was expressionless, without a single trace of emotion in his drawl. His eyes appeared empty.

Only he could manage to look this way.

Only he could make my heart hurt this much.

The familiar pressure behind the backs of my eyes was difficult to ignore. I bit my lip, swallowing hard. "Maybe it would. Maybe it wouldn't." I began, quavering. "I wouldn't know unless you tell me."

I knew I shouldn't have gone so far by poking him that way but I wanted to get it off my chest.

He didn't reply.

Neither did I make a sound.

The silence hanging between us was choking me and I stared at him, wishing desperately for him to say something for I had no words to break the quiet.

"Sometimes, it's better off not knowing." Michael muttered, crossing his arms as he dropped his gaze to the floor. Strands from his disheveled fair hair fell across his face.

"I know I used to share everything with you but you have to know I'm not the same person as I used to be. I ... I don't like talking about myself because there are some things I don't want people to know; they don't have to know either. Even my closest friend."

My chest constricted tightly in response, at both what he was implying and how he referred to me that way. I drew out a slow painful exhalation, feeling all my energy sap out. "Then I'm not the same person either."

His head snapped up, forehead creasing in bewilderment.

"Because I'm sure the Kaitlyn I used to be wouldn't feel this way around you." I bit my lip, taking one last look at Michael before turning to leave.

Perhaps I went too far because I felt his hand seize my wrist, halting me from moving. The sudden contact sent tingles of electricity up my spine, stealing the breath from my lips. I froze on the spot, unmoving ad I let his warmth soak into my cold skin.

"Are you leaving?" He asked, softly.

Slowly, I turned around, meeting his gaze.

They burned with emotions, no longer bleakly empty like before. His gray green eyes ensnared me in place, making it hard for me to pull away from him and go.

I regarded him wordlessly, not knowing what to do in this situation. It was probably a bad idea to refer to romance movie scenes because those were unrealistic. So I just stood there, trapped.

He bit his pink lower lip, releasing me hesitantly. "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked. He flitted those eyes of his away but it wasn't easy to shake off its effect on me.

"Well, I was going to the hill to sulk before returning home." I admitted, feeling my face burn up.

Michael straightened up and arched his eyebrows. "Is it ... alright if I come with you? I know, it's probably a horrible idea --"

"Sure." The answer was blurted against my volition. "You're welcome to sulk there anytime you want."

Then again, it wasn't like I minded whether he tagged along or not. In fact, my heart fluttered with warmth when he emerged from his room again, wearing his usual pair of dark jeans, a pair of sneakers and the shirt I loved.

The t-shirt that had the design of Bring Me The Horizon's album _That's The Spirit_ on it.

And I knew I should keep my face impassive. But I couldn't help but break a small smile on my face.


	38. Chapter 38

The tranquilness of my spot on the hill was almost enough to take away the aftermath of the misunderstanding between Michael and I.

The view overlooked the suburbs that sprawled below us and the clouds above us were forming patterns in the calm blue sky. As I sat down on the grass, I watched from the corner of my eye as Michael inhaled, staring off into space before sitting beside me, leaving a feet of space between us.

It was probably for our own good but I felt the urge to close the distance, to lean against him, to rest my head on his shoulder and intertwine my fingers with his.

However I stayed put, hugging my knees to my body. My unspoken words hung in the air, fighting to be voiced even though there was a possibility of starting another altercation.

I was afraid of ruining this again. I didn't want to lose him again. No matter how hard I tried, the thought of us never speaking choked me up really bad.

But I wanted to let it all out. How could I without hurting each other in some way?

Maybe this was why people wrote songs or poetry to vent out their feelings. Or expressed themselves with paintings. Or --

"This is a really nice view." Michael broke into my thoughts, saying it in a casual manner that almost belied the undertone of awkwardness.

I nodded and, in a fit of nerves, answered. "It helps to clear your mind."

"I can see that."

"Yea."

We lapsed into silence when I exhaled, giving in to the urge.

Shifting my way beside him, I glanced at him to make sure he was alright with me being this close to him.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when he closed the distance, making us shoulder-to-shoulder. My breath caught audibly and I tried to conceal it with a cough.

Michael turned his head to face me, his pierced eyebrow raised in bemusement. "Yes?"

"Nothing." I said quickly and, in a fit of nerves, fished my iPod out of my pocket. I still felt the weight of his gaze on me as I scrolled through my library, the words _Sheesh, you have a terrible taste in music_ said by none other than Michael echoed loudly in my head.

He was leaning close to me, his curious gaze fixated on my iPod screen. He was near enough for me to smell the warm scent of cinnamon on him, the scent I had grown addicted to.

"So you come up here to think and listen to music too?" He asked, glancing at me.

I bit my lip, feeling my cheeks burn a little as I nodded and shrugged. "Sometimes."

Michael's mouth folded into a thin contemplative line, his green eyes clouding with thoughts.

After a few heartbeats, I plucked the courage to lend him one of my earbuds. "Wanna listen with me? I know I have a crap taste in music."

He regarded me for a moment before accepting it, putting the earbud in. "I know." A ghost of a smile played on his features. "But I like your taste too." He said and ducked his face away quickly, veiling his eyes with his long blond lashes.

My heart skipped a beat and went triple its pace. It wasn't a surprise since his music taste was evident from the type of t-shirts he wore but somehow the reason for the rush of giddy happiness I felt was difficult to explain. My cheeks warmed as I let the iPod play on shuffle and, tentatively, rested my head on his shoulder.

He tensed briefly against me before relaxing, brushing his hand against mine.

The moment was perfect. But was it even meant for the both of us to share and enjoy? We weren't on that level, nor did that type of intimacy existed solidly between us.

There _were_ brief flashes of passion but what did those _really_ mean?

I drew out a breath, letting _Sleeping With Sirens_ wash over me.

" _I've been thinking lately about you and me._  
_And all the questions left unanswered, how it all could be._  
_And I hope you know you never left my head._  
_And if I've ever let you down, I'm sorry_."

"This song is nice." Michael remarked.

"Mhm." I agreed. "It's called Sorry."

"I gathered that." He replied with a small laugh that my heart flutter in response. Carefully, his pinky curled around mine.

My pulse was audible over the music but I fought to keep my calm.

"I'm not a big fan of the lead singer's vocals." He admitted. "So I don't really know a lot of their songs."

"You mean Kellin Quinn? Well, he _does_ sound a bit like a kid." I opined. "You should give Sleeping With Sirens another shot. Their music is awesome."

He smirked at me. "I didn't think I'd meet girls who would actually listen to Post Hardcore music."

"You'd be surprised." I mused aloud, smiling mirthfully as I faced him.

"But SWS ain't as awesome as BMTH?" He teased.

"C'mon Mikey. I don't compare bands. They all have their own sounds for their music so I can't actually put them on the same level." I said in mock exasperation.

"Fair point. But I think Ollie Sykes has the best eyelashes." He chuckled.

"Seriously?" I grinned, amused by his opinion. "You stare at his eyelashes?"

"His aren't the only eyes I stare at." His voice dropped to a soft, caressing whisper.

I felt my breath hitch as we locked gazes. And we stared at each other for a few moments, unmoving, before the gravity between us began to act, a pull we couldn't resist.

There was a spark, and it was catching fire fast.

Michael's hand brushed over and cupped my cheek as he pressed his mouth gently to mine.

I rested my hands on his chest, kissing him back, before gathering the courage to slid them around his neck, pulling him closer to me.

Our lips molded into each other, moving with perfect synchrony. He parted me with ease, gaining entrance. The taste of him exploded all over me and it was hard to resist wanting more of Michael.

My fingers tangled in his hair, tugging in encouragement and earning a soft groan from him. The conflagration in my veins, fueled by his touch was intoxicating.

"Kai." He mumbled as he drew back. His gaze was a dark with all the gray green swallowed by the black of his pupils, his pale cheeks flushed with high color giving him a glow. Curving his lips upwards, he rested his forehead on mine, fluttering his eyes shut.

I felt myself smile as I traced his features lightly, over the side of his face, down his jawline where his stubble grew then on his lips. "Yea?"

"I needed to do that."

"For what?"

"Because I'm about to tell you what's bothering me. And if that's gonna be the last time you'll ever look at me like that ..." He trailed off.

My heart skipped a beat but I didn't move. In fact, I was as still as a statue. I stared at him, watching as he drew back from me, an apprehensive mask overtaking his features.

Michael raked his fingers through his hair and bit his lip. "I've had problems."

"I know." I admitted breathlessly, feeling guilt bubble my chest. "I kinda asked Ashton about it but he didn't tell me much."

"Oh." He mumbled, fiddling with his fingers absentmindedly. He was hesitating, beginning to sweat a little.

I frowned. "You don't have to --"

Michael shook his head. "I'm fine." He reassured but the quaver in his voice indicated otherwise.

My chest tightened. I didn't know whether I should stop him or not. Instead, I reached out and squeezed his hand.

"Back in Perth right after my family and I moved, I wasn't really liked at school. I don't know why but somehow it just got to me to the point that I would avoid school completely and have anxiety attacks. I became an antisocial kid and it made me really sad." He paused, biting his lower lip and shutting his eyes. "I started cutting myself when I was 11 and Mom and Dad found out so they sent me to therapy."

"It wasn't long until the kids at school found out about it. They made fun of me, calling me an emo, a freak, all sorts of ugly names. So, I got this stupid idea one day when I was doing homework: if they didn't like me, so be it. I became super rebellious and got myself into a lot of trouble which landed me in a tons of counseling sessions. Even social workers threatened to take me away from my parents."

At a loss of doing something to show my consolation, I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. He was shaking, his neck damp with sweat.

"Mikey." I whispered against him, only realizing how much my heart was throbbing with hurt for this boy. I hadn't expected his problems to be _this_ bad.

"Then how did you ... get yourself back together?" I asked, brushing away the hair that had fell across his face. I wanted to kiss him again but I had to restrain myself.

It would be selfish of me to do that, to take advantage of the situation.

"During the week I turned 17, my parents thought I should take some time off from the people I hung out in Perth and maybe talk to Ash, Cal and Luke."

"Oh." I nodded. "That's good. So they helped you out of your problem?"

"Kinda." His cheeks turned pink. "We were just chilling, I guess. I was mostly being antisocial and nodded to everything they said. I found them a bit annoying but I guess they were just trying to help me out by telling me all the stuff that's happened."

"And somehow the topic about ..." He broke off as his pale cheeks flushed with high color. "... you came up."

I stared at him incredulously when curiosity kicked in. "What did they say?"

"Just that you were doing fine and that you have new friends." He replied with a hint of sadness in his soft tone, looking down at his hands.

"And I thought about the shit I've done and - as a cheesy _and_ lame as it sounds - it hit me and I was ashamed of myself. I thought about how you'd react if _you_ saw what I've done and I knew you'd be disappointed in _me_."

He groaned and covered his face, backing away from me. "Kaitlyn, I'm such a mess. Please don't run away from me."

" _Everybody_ make mistakes too." I protested. "And I'm not going to run away from you."

"Are you saying that because you pity me?" He questioned in a weak and tremulous tone with wide scared green eyes, giving me the irresistible urge to hug him again.

" _What?_ " I stared at him incredulously. "No, Mikey. I won't _leave_ you just because of what you done in the past. I mean, that would hardly be fair for you. Or for me either." I rambled, nerves making me blubber without thinking twice.

Michael's forehead creased in bafflement as he cocked his was slightly to the side. "What do you mean it wouldn't be fair for you _either_?"

I inhaled, only aware that I slipped. I was both embarrassed but relieved that this gave me the opportunity to tell him the truth.

"Actually, Mikey." I began, my voice shaking audibly. My heart was pounding hard and my throat had drying up. In that moment, I freaked out.

_Do I really want him to know?_

_Would this affect our friendship in a bad way?_

_How would we act towards each other after this?_

I was terrified of losing him. I was afraid to watch him distance himself from me. But if I didn't take a leap, I might never get this chance again. Maybe by the next time, things will have changed and then the regrets would pile up, crushing me under.

Michael was staring at me, wide gray green eyes and parted lips.

He took the risk and told me what would have pushed me away.

So why shouldn't I take the dive?

I bit my lip, closing my hands into fists to stop them from shaking. "I have feelings for you, Mikey."


	39. Chapter 39

"NO WAY!" Wendy exclaimed aloud, not bothering to hide her immense surprise. She kept her wide demanding brown-eyed gaze on me while she nibbled on a slice of cheesecake I had made earlier that day. "Are you _kidding_ me??"

I buried my face in my hands, feeling the heat on my palms. Even the memory of confessing to him made my head swim and my heart pound. Leftover anxiety still lingered in my veins so I was a little more jittery than usual.

We were at my house to finish up on homework before the weekend ended. Right after we were done with our work, Wendy kinda brought up the topic of Michael and, with a certain amount of pestering and teasing, I gave in.

"No, I'm being _serious_." I said through my hands, muffling my voice. "Shit I don't know what to do from here." I admitted, swirling a glass of orange juice without much appetite.

"Date him, _duh_?" Wendy scoffed, waving her hand dismissively as though it were that easy to pop right over to Michael's and start a relationship just like _that_.

I stared at her, wide-eyed with disbelief and cheeks burning. "What? No! I mean, what if Michael didn't get the hint??"

Wendy regarded me incredulously, shaking her head. "Kaitlyn dear, I'm sure he doesn't have an IQ of a potato."

"But potatoes don't _have_ IQs."

" _Exactly!_ " She exclaimed, bringing her palm down on the kitchen counter. She gestured at me. "I'm sure he got the hint when you said - what did you say again?"

I felt my lips lift upwards into an amused grin. "' _I have feelings for yo_ u.' Yea, but I didn't get the chance to actually _specify_ \--"

" _Fuck_ that!" She snorted, waving her hand dismissively. "At any rate, why didn't he say anything after that? I thought he really liked you. Not that I can actually confirm that, but you know, it's just my observation." She added, mumbling as her voice grew smaller and smaller.

My chest throbbed with a dull ache as I looked to the floor. "I dunno. Maybe I was too sudden." I sighed defeatedly, raking fingers through my hair.

With detachment, I realized it was a habit I picked up from Michael. I stopped immediately, feeling my face heat up.

"Besides, he never said whether or not he feels the same way." I added uncertainly. "I probably scared him off."

Wendy gave me a sharp stare, sticking her lower lip outwards. "Do you want a big neon sign to come with it?" She made an impatient noise, geticulating. "Kaitlyn, he _likes_ you too! Sheesh do you want me to call him to ask about it??"

I started in my seat, regarding her with incredulity. "No! It's fine, really --"

"Honey, I'm home!" A new voice called from the hallway, followed by the sound of the front door closing.

Wendy whipped around in confusion, a frown creasing her forehead. " _Who_ in the world --"

"Jake." I replied, hearing the relief in my tone as I got up from the counter.

The redhead triplet walked into the kitchen, carrying some shopping bags with a huge goofy grin on his face. He winked at Wendy and nudged me with his elbow in greeting. "Hola everybody! You _wouldn't_ believe me if I told you I brought a kitten home."

At the word kitten, I felt my excitement levels spike higher. "Really?" I exclaimed, wide-eyed. "Where?"

Ever since I was little, I really liked cats. I remembered there were a few times Michael and I stumbled upon a friendly stray cat in the neighborhood park and we would often clamor to stroke its fur. Those were good times.

I began to imagine what the kitten would look like when another familiar voice drawled irritably. "Dude, I'm not a kitten."

We turned to see who it was and I was grateful I wasn't sitting for I would have fallen out of my chair.

"Hi Michael." Wendy waved at him, earning a small nod and a smile from him.

My heart fluttered hard against my chest as he focused his green gaze on mine, a shy expression overcoming his features as he did. High color flooded his cheeks.

I wanted to say something. Anything, really. But no words came for they were all choked up in my throat. Instead, I bit my lip and tore my gaze away, my face burning.

Why couldn't I at least greet him?

Jacob and Wendy exchanged looks with each other for a moment before glancing at us.

"Um, well, I'd like to ask Wendy something." Jacob announced, clearing his throat conspiratorially.

"Ask her what?" Michael narrowed his eyes at him.

"About how many toenail clippings kept in a box is considered a healthy hobby." Wendy responded sarcastically, snorting.

Jacob laughed in reply and gave my best friend a high-five, despite the fact that both Michael and I were glaring suspiciously at them.

"Anyway!" Wendy clasped her hands, patting my shoulder a little too hard and grinning widely. "We'll just be in the living room if you kids need anything."

I rolled my eyes, watching them set off. A few heartbeats after they disappeared, I swiveled round to look at Michael.

He was leaning against the counter with a contemplative expression upon his features. His blond hair was rumpled as always but somehow it looked slightly different today.

Or perhaps that was just me.

Fiddling with the bracelets on his left wrist absentmindedly, Michael raised his gray-green gaze to mind, biting his lower lip. "Hi."

"Hey."

He drew a nervous breath and made his way towards me, stopping a feet before me.

I stiffened though not on purpose.

"Um, about yesterday when you told me ..." Michael trailed off, tone rising in anxiety.

My heart was thumping hard against my ribcage, swelling trepidation shaking my nerves as I stared back at him. My cheeks heated. "Was it that shocking a declaration?" I asked, softly

There was a dull ache within me and the fear of him responding with the answer I was anticipating.

He rubbed the back of his neck, shrugging. "I ... I was just shocked, that's all."

I made an unconvinced noise and crossed my arms, looking down at my feet. Disappointment bubbled as the ache tightened in my chest, making it a little hard to breathe. My body was tensed, waiting for him to cut me down.

"Why would you _like_ me?"

I snapped my head upwards to meet his gaze with my own dumbfounded one. My lips parted with surprise.

He was regarding me with a conflicted look, lambent eyes flickering. His shoulders were tight and his posture suggested he was wary.

I exhaled tremulously. "I can't explain it, alright?" I sighed resignedly.

"If you're just saying this because you pity me --"

"I don't pity you, _alright_?" I snapped indignantly, offended that he thought of my intention in that light. Exhaling, I shook my head. "It's not something I can put in words."

Michael's hand was on my face, gently lifting it so I was looking at him in the eyes. My breath caught at the contact, his touch setting me aflame.

"You deserve someone better." He said softly, stroking his thumb across my cheek. "I mean, I've done things ... things I'm not proud of and I can't even --"

I shook my head. "I don't care what you did in the past. What matters is now and the future."

He gave me a small wistful smile. "You're just as stubborn as I am." He observed. "Someday, it will matter. And I'm afraid that you won't see me the same way."

I removed his hand before squeezing it assuringly in mine. There was something comforting about feeling his callused fingertips on my palm.

"Maybe it's time to let go of your fears and dive into the dark."

"And that's coming from someone who's still nyctophobic." His features lit up in amusement, making his gaze gleam brightly. It was the expression I loved on him, a flash of the little boy I met at the kindergarten playground years ago.

"At least just tell me, _Mikey_." My voice cracked as I pleaded, looking up at him. "Whether this feeling is mutual and not as one-sided as I think."

Michael pressed his mouth into a thin line, his eyes flickering tentatively. "Kai, I -- Oh _what the fuck_." He expressed in frustration before pulling me against him, pressing his lips against mine.

I gasped, stiffening for a moment before relaxing as I realized what he wanted. With my eyes fluttering shut, I kissed him back, feeling the conflagration blaze in my veins.

This time, he didn't spare being gentle. It was full of passion, of his unspoken thoughts and hidden desires.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, standing on my tiptoes as he rested his hands on my waist, pulling me closer to him.

It was then when I felt how scared he was of how it felt, how it consumed him to the point that he wanted to hide it so badly. Though his lips was moving in sync with mine, he was trembling hard, careful not to overdo it.

"Mikey." I drew back, trying to catch his gaze.

He made a small noise, inclining his head forward to reconnect but I placed my hands on his chest, halting his progress.

Michael stared at me, small and shallow breaths escaping from him. His cheeks were painted with a high color as a funny expression overcame his features. It took me a second to be aware he was actually grinning.

A small giggle emanated from me. "What's the matter?"

Michael chuckled with a nervous tinge, shaking his head. "It's just that ... I've had feelings for you since forever and to hear you admit that you like me back shocks me a _lot_. I'm sorry if my reaction wasn't what you expected or anything and I thought maybe you were messing around or something --"

"But I _wasn't_." I protested.

"I know, I just _thought_." He mumbled sheepishly. "I wouldn't say it was too sudden since I've been basically dreaming about the day you'd finally admit it - as cheesy as it sounds - but it was that surprising and I can't even --"

"Whoa, slow down Mikey." I said. My head was still spinning from the kiss and this new revelation, plus the rate at which Michael was speaking, didn't particularly make me feel less like I falling in a spiraling motion. "I think I need to sit."

Michael didn't even hesitate to drag a chair over and sit me down.

I rubbed my temples, trying to process it all as effectively as I could without giving myself a headache. Or a heartache.

I was aware of my feelings for him a few days ago. I found out that Michael has liked me since a long time earlier. It was just two simple facts yet it was very profound. I didn't even know if I could handle it. No wonder Michael had distanced himself after I confessed. It was just a lot to take in.

I glanced up, finding Michael in the process of pulling a chair up and sitting beside me with a pensive expression.

I knew that look on him.

Biting his lower lip, tugging at the bracelets on his left wrist and gray-green eyes cloudy.

He was worried.

"Mikey." I began.

He lifted his head, arching his eyebrows curiously. "Yea?" He asked, tone holding the tinge of nervousness.

"What are we?" I questioned, feeling very much puzzled as to what to call our current relationship. It couldn't _exactly_ be described as a friendship any longer nor did I know what else to call it.

"What do you want us to be?"

Looking back on things, I noticed the changes in what I wanted us to be.

At first, I wanted nothing to do with him. Then, slowly I began to grow the desire to fix our friendship. But there was something else I didn't realize until recently. And the fact that he reciprocated my feelings ... What did I _want_?

"Kai, we can always take it slow, if you'd like." Michael suggested tentatively as he raked fingers through his blond hair. "I wouldn't mind at all." He promised solemnly.

I bit my lip, clasping my fingers together as I considered my reply. "That sounds good, actually." I replied breathlessly, nodding. "But maybe we could take the first step?"

He raised the pierced eyebrow in question but a small smirk played across his mouth, making his green eyes gleam playfully.

It made my heart flutter, in a way only he could manage to do.

Reaching forward, he enveloped his hands around mine, letting his voice drop to whisper that only I could hear. "Kaitlyn Elisabeth Redford, will you be my girlfriend?"

Warmth was bursting within me, racing through my veins like lightning. I felt myself smile. "Michael Gordon Clifford, of course I'll be your girlfriend."


	40. Chapter 40

"This is the part that gets me the most." Michael commented, eyes fixated on the rectangular screen of his tablet that was showing a black and white video of two guys wrestling each other to the ground as he tapped my arm to get my attention.

I leaned over to have a good look at what he was watching and felt an amused grin curl my lips upwards. "Seriously, Mikey? We should be finishing our homework not watching --"

"Can you believe Patrick would do that?!" He said, sounding incredulous. "I mean after all the love Pete has given him. Peterick is _dead_ in this video." He didn't appear as though he had heard what I said earlier. Perhaps that was because he had his headphones on.

Whatever the case, we hadn't actually on what we were planning to do today.

As the library provided free wifi services besides the reference books we could use, I thought this would be a good place for Michael and I to study and revise for our upcoming exams.

Despite that, we had already spent the last 15 minutes procrastinating.

Which was bad because I really had to help Michael with Math.

"Mikey." I lifted one side of his headphone and earned a sharp sideways glare. "We have work to do."

"Weren't you listening to the feels of this song?" He asked, exasperated.

"Um you were wearing headphones, so no." I deadpanned.

He stared at me for a moment before he became aware of his mistake. A red flush crept up his cheeks as he released an apologetic laugh. "Ok Kai, I'm sorry! I didn't realize." He replied sheepishly.

I rolled my eyes and twirled my pen. "Whatever you say."

Michael set his distractions away before pulling up his chair and took one glance at his homework and revision papers. A frown tugged his features as he reached for his pen and attempted to read one of the questions.

After a few heartbeats, his eyes flitted to mine pleadingly. "I have no idea how to solve this problem." He admitted softly.

I bit my lip and took a look at the question, trying not to pay too much attention to the fact that Michael was inching closer to me to the point I could actually catch a whiff of his cinnamon scent and the warmth radiating off his skin. It wasn't that he wanted to tease me or anything but my heart fluttered in my chest.

Clearing my throat, I circled the key points of the question and explained. "Well, you see, you're supposed to find the value of _x_ from this equation. Since it is indirectly proportional to _y_ , you should use find the value of _k_ , or the constant --"

My breath stuck in my throat when from the corner of my eye, Michael reached towards my face and pushed back a stray strand of hair. "Yea?" He said, noticing how quiet I had become. "I'm listening."

There was something in his voice that hinted a smug tone. I turned to look at him and saw him resting his cheek on his hand, a small smirk playing across his features.

My lips parted and my face warmed when he wriggled his eyebrows teasingly. "What?" He asked.

"Stop flirting with me." I sighed exasperatedly, ignoring the spike in body temperature I was experiencing. "We have more pressing matters at hand." I gestured at the revision worksheets that were scattered messily around the table where we sat

He made a face at those papers before straightening up, pushing back his fringe that got into his eyes. "That can wait for a little longer."

Michael looked especially good in that new gray flannel shirt, which brought out the green in his irises. His hair had grown out longer so it gave him a messier appearance but not that it made him any less attractive.

"No, it can't." I argued, forcing myself to not let myself get distracted. It was hard to do so when every little thing my boyfriend did always ensnared my attention, even for the briefest of moments.

"Yes, it can." He smirked, a lopsided grin that complimented his smug tone. Allowing his hand to place itself atop of mine, he squeezed it. "Ok fine, I'll start if you let me kiss you."

I scoffed, rolling my eyes. "Are we seriously doing this, Mikey?" I asked, though my voice belied me and revealed how amused I was.

Michael's mouth curled upwards at the sides playfully. "I'll take that as a yes." He whispered, leaning closer to me until our foreheads touched. After a heartbeat, he pressed a gentle kiss on my lips, lingering there for a few moments before drawing back. "There. Now teach me Math."

I stared at him for a few moments, grinning at how happy he looked. It was a big change from the Michael I had known before we started dating, who had looked so lonely and wistful. He was smiling more this past week and it made my heart swell.

"Ok, try and solve this question. If you really _can't_ do it, I'll show you how to."

*

"I actually feel a lot smarter now." Michael commented as we made our way to the grab some drinks from a smoothie shop at a nearby mall. He was standing at the step below mine on the escalator so we were almost eye-level with each other. "Like I can solve any Math problem, you know?"

I laughed at his enthusiasm, messing his blond hair teasingly. "I remember back then it was you who was better at Math than I was." I said as he adjusted the strap of his backpack.

" _How the mighty fall_." He hummed a vague tune under his breath, tapping on his phone screen when we reached the floor where the smoothie shop was located. "Mom just texted me to ask you if you wanna swing by later at our place for dinner."

I felt my cheeks warm at Karen's offer. It wasn't that I didn't want to go, it was just that the fact that Michael and I were dating this invitation would mean something more for his parents. I didn't want to flop. "I'll take a rain check." I replied. "Jake's making his special quesadilla tonight --"

"Oh, ok." Michael mumbled, pressing his lips together. His expression seemed slightly disappointed but all that evaporated as soon as we walked into the smoothie shop.

I didn't know what to get, since I didn't have smoothies quite often so Michael offered to share his with me. After we paid for his drink, we chose an empty booth and sat there to wait for his order to be processed.

Michael sat back against the booth, regarding me from across the table at me. He looked really thoughtful as if he were carefully choosing the next words to say.

Bemused by this, I spoke up. "Penny for your thoughts?"

He shrugged before making a face. "I was thinking of school tomorrow." He admitted before raising his eyebrows questioningly. "Have you told anyone about us?"

I shook my head slowly, wondering if he would be upset that I didn't. Didn't people usually spill the news when they started dating someone new? "Well --"

"It's ok." He said.

Surreptitiously I narrowed my eyes at him to catch any outward signs of disappointment. However there was none, and Michael looked more relieved. "We should probably keep it under wraps until Drew lays it off."

As soon as he said that, my chest tightened with apprehension. A worried frown creased my forehead. "What about Drew?" I winced when I heard how sharp my tone was.

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Apparently she's in that phase of denial ... She still wants us to get back together." He said slowly, not wanting to spark a reaction from me.

I bit my lip, not saying anything in reply, and sat back against the booth. Averting my gaze to the floor, I was aware of how scared I was to lose him to someone who didn't care about him and happened to be very persuasive.

"Oh." The monosyllabic response escaped from me.

Michael reached over and touched my hand like he was assuring me. "Kai, it will always be you."

I nodded. "I'm just afraid that Drew might do something funny." I admitted, regarding him through mg lowered lashes.

He exhaled softly and squeezed my hand. A contemplative expression settled over his features. "Well, I've found someone better ... and I'm not about to give you up just yet." He said.

My heart swelled with warmth as I felt my cheeks warm. "I --" I broke off when our order arrived, distracted by the delicious-looking drink that smelled of tropical fruits.

Michael pushed it to me, eyebrows raised. "Here, you go first." He offered.

Despite myself, I laughed at him. "You don't have to act like a perfect gentleman to impress me. Come on, just drink it with me."

He paused, tentatively, before he obliged. We hadn't even made halfway through the glass when someone called me.

"Kaitlyn?"

I turned around, wondering who it could be and saw one of Perry's skater friends. I couldn't exactly remember his name but the sight of him made my heart skip.

The guy made his way over with an affable expression. "Long time no see, how are ya?" He asked.

"I'm great thanks." I struggled to recall his name. "Howard, right?"

"Mhm." He nodded, laughing. But all that changed when he took one look at Michael. His smile wavered slightly but enough for me to have noticed. "Hi, I'm Howard." Regardless, he kept his composure and extended his hand.

"Michael." My boyfriend shook the hand, flashing a forced smile.

"Cool, nice to meet ya bruh." Howard said. "I actually swung by to grab a drink for Perry but anyway it was great meeting you guys." With that, he excused himself and left.

I glanced at Michael and wasn't sure if my boyfriend's expression reassured me.

Michael's forehead was creased, green eyes following Howard warily and lipa pressed together. But when he turned to look at me, expression changed to appear as if he didn't care at all. I wasn't sure if it was my imagination or whatever, but he looked distracted and worried again.


	41. Chapter 41

"Are you sure you don't want to hitch a ride to school in my van?" My father asked, picking up his workbag that sat on the couch in the living room.

I shook my head, hugging him. "No, I'm walking to school with Michael today." I replied.

He paused, giving me a look. A half crooked smile appeared on his features as he raised an eyebrow questioningly. "With Michael, huh?" He mused aloud, tone taking on a teasing hint.

Heat crept up my face as I nodded, pressing my lips together. I supposed he kinda suspected Michael and I were dating, even though I hadn't said a word about it ever since it became official between Michael and I a few days ago. "Y-Yea." I managed, sounding squeakier than usual.

My mother passed us by, shaking her head with an amused expression on her countenance as she regarded us both. "Well just be careful, alright dear?" She pressed a kiss on my cheek before placing a hand on my father's shoulder. "We'll be off now."

"WAIT!" Jacob came stumbling down the stairs, his shirt wrongly buttoned. "Oh my gosh, _hold on_ ; I'm not ready!" He hopped on one foot as he wore a sock on the other.

Liam emerged from the kitchen, holding 4 paper bags in his hand, lunch for him and his siblings. He took one moment to stare at Jacob and sighed, glancing at me.

I shrugged, shaking my head at my redhead brother, who nearly knocked a family portrait over as he tried to steady himself by placing a hand on the wall. I took one of the paper bags from Liam. "I'll never get why you have this much energy in the morning." I said, making my way down the hallway.

Liam passed one of the paper bags to Jacob, rolling his eyes. "Geez Jake, so much for 'five more minutes.'" He huffed in annoyance.

"Growing boys like me need sleep, _okay_?" The redhead boy sassed. "It's not easy to maintain this spanking hot body. Plus, I need beauty sleep so I don't always look grumpy like you." He poked Liam's nose before giggling as he dodged his brother's indignant kick to the shin. "You'll get the worry lines!"

My father, who was already at the doorway putting on his shoes, casted them an amused look. "C'mon boys. Adam is already outside while you're bickering."

"We're not getting any younger!" Adam called from outside.

" _He_ started it." Jacob pointed accusingly at Liam.

Liam threw his hands up in exasperation.

*

" _I wonder how I'm supposed to feel when you're not here_." Hayley Williams' vocals filled my ears, accompanied by catchy sounding guitar chords in the background over Michael's headphones as I made my way over to his place. He had left his iPod in my bag yesterday, after he said it felt weird putting it in the pocket of his skinny jeans.

The sting of winter wind bit into my skin as I turned round the corner to his street. Shivering a little, I shoved my hands down in my pockets and counted the steps till I reached his house. Setting towards the door, I paused for a moment and drew a nervous breath. It had been a long time since I walked to school with Michael, that being back when we were in elementary school.

At that time, Michael would always take on the role of making sure I abided pedestrian rules, even though I wasn't the sort who was ignorant to those rules. He would usually hold my hand in his and assume a seriously responsible expression until we made it to our school compound.

I smiled to myself at that memory. We were so young back then. I wondered if his past behavior was some obscure method of his to impress me.

Remembering that I was here to meet Michael, I raised my hand to knock the door just as it opened, revealing my boyfriend, who appeared half-asleep. A grin that appeared on his features, erasing all traces of drowsiness, made my insides warm.

"Kai, good morning." Michael pulled me into a hug, pressing a kiss on my forehead.

I giggled, looking up at him. "Morning, Mikey. You're in a good mood." I observed, removing the headphones before returning him his iPod. "Here, you left this yesterday." I said, just as I caught the sight of Karen and Daryl past his shoulder.

After I greeted his parents, Michael informed them he was leaving with me and enveloped his warm hand in mine before we walked down the street to school. He began to talk excitedly about the new high score he had set the night.

As soon as we neared my school, he released my hand, growing quiet. My heart constricted with apprehensively as I wondered what was wrong. Then I remembered; we were supposed to keep our relationship under wraps until Drew stopped bothering Michael.

I bit my lip ruefully and allowed myself some distance away from my boyfriend as we entered the school compound.

*

"Oh god I think I'll flunk my Biology theory papers." Calum groaned, sticking out his lower lip as he dipped a potato wedge into ketchup. "I left so many questions blank."

Wendy's forehead creased quizzically. "They weren't that difficult." She said disbelievingly. "I mean, they were mostly reasoning and labeling."

He scoffed. "Of course it _wasn't_ difficult because _you_ studied."

"With all due respect, I _did_ remind you last night." Luke cleared his throat, giving his best friend a pointed look. "Instead you --"

"Stayed up all night catching up on _Stranger Things_." Calum finished, stuffing the wedge into his mouth. "Yea, yea I know."

Michael raised his pierced eyebrow questioningly. "I heard the show's pretty interesting."

"Interesting doesn't even _begin_ to cut it." Calum replied haughtily. "It's a fucking amazing show if you ask me."

"And you need to focus on your revision." Luke added under his breath.

I watched my friends exchange their opinions back and forth around the table where we sat in the cafeteria. The atmosphere was raucous, like it always was, filled with various conversations of students. From where I sat, across the place I spied Perry and his skater friends.

The strawberry blond haired boy lacked his usual cheeriness, instead appeared exhausted. His head was resting on his hand as he watched his friends all laugh over a joke. My heart squeezed with concern. Even though I wasn't his girlfriend anymore, the sight of him was enough to stir up worry within me.

As if aware of me looking at him, Perry glanced over to the table where I sat and our eyes locked. Not longer than a moment did I avert my gaze, obscurely embarrassed.

Upon noticing me, Wendy's attention on the conversation about tv shows turned to me as she frowned. "What's wrong?"

"I --"

"Hi there." A new voice greeted.

Luke, Calum and Michael stopped chatting at once and looked at whoever it was that spoken.

Cilan smiled affably at us. He was holding a tray that had his lunch in his hands. "Mind if I join you? The other seats are taken so ..."

"Yea sure." Calum nodded.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Wendy's body language change. She ducked her head and was more interested in her food. She didn't even bother to look up, except when Cilan asked how everybody was.

 _Something must've happened between them_. I thought, alternating glances between Wendy and Cilan.

Idly I contemplated whether this was how it looked a few months ago when being around Michael turned me into an awkward mess. If so, no wonder Wendy had given me worried looks.

Upon noticing I was zoning out, I felt Michael's hand brush against mine beside me before his pinky curled around my finger. This was the small affectionate gesture that he liked to do when he was sitting close to me. It reminded me a lot of the times when we were kids. We used to dare each other silly little stuff and would hook our pinkies together like a promise that we'd complete the challenge.

My heart fluttered with warmth as a small smile tugged my lips as I glanced at him, catching him ducking his head to hide the same expression I wore from our friends.

They didn't notice anyway.

*

My head was throbbing once the Physics exam was over. Anxiety gnawed at the pit of my stomach as the invigilator, who happened to be my Geography teacher - Mr O'Neil - collected the papers. Once he was done, he returned to his desk and counted the papers before he cleared his throat.

"Alright so after the exams are over, I have a holiday assignment for all of you." He announced.

Everyone groaned collectively.

"You shall be arranged in pairs for the whole project." He added further before getting up and producing a neatly folded paper from the breast pocket of his shirt.

Surreptitiously, I glanced to my side, catching Michael looking at me. His eyebrows were raised and his lips were pressed into a thin, white line. As childish as it was, I knew the both of us were hoping that we'd be paired up together.

He nodded at me, as if trying to reassure me before turning back to face the front where Mr O'Neil was reading off his list in a stern tone. Not longer than few seconds later did his green eyes glaze over and he sat back in his chair, rubbing his temples.

Frankly, less than a quarter of the class were listening for they were already caught up in exchanging what their answers were for the questions in the exam paper.

I exhaled irritably, wondering why Mr O'Neil needed to give out assignments on our break. No wonder not everybody bothered to listen for their names that were being spouted out by him.

Michael leaned slightly, rolling his eyes. "This is bullshit. Why can't we pick our partners? I mean, it's not like we're little kids." He complained.

I turned my head, grinning. "And you're saying that because?" I asked teasingly, pretending that I didn't know.

He shot me an amused look. "We'd make a great duo though."

"I think you're being biased here." I bit my lip, suppressing the grin that was spreading across my face.

A chuckle escaped from him. "C'mon. We've got awesome chemistry, _plus_ if we get bored of the assignment, at least it won't be awkward for the both of us to procrastinate together."

Before I could reply, my attention was jarred from him when Mr O'Neil called my name.

"Kaitlyn Redford? You'll be pairing up with Perry Brooks." He announced, in a final tone.


	42. Chapter 42

Michael was being unreasonable.

"Well, I could try to convince him to swap Perry for someone else with you." My boyfriend suggested, the tone of his voice rising in pitch at the my ex's name. He was fiddling with the bracelets on his wrist, almost anxiously. A frown was visible on his features as he bit his lip thoughtfully.

I sighed and shook my head at him. I didn't want to know specifically why he was so bent on wanting me to change partners or whatever but I knew deep down he still resented Perry. "It's Mr O'Neil. Every word he says becomes a divine decree." I said, not bothering about the tone of mockery.

"Well, _I_ decree Mr O'Neil divinely _stupid_." He replied irritably with a huge scowl.

I raised an eyebrow questioningly"You do know what decree means, don't you?"

"It's just degree spelled with a fucking _c_."He grumbled under his breath, clicking his pen in frustration.

The noise itself was loud enough to turn the heads of a group of students, all whom had patiently endured hearing Michael's hushed complaints for the past 10 minutes. They glared in our direction but my boyfriend was too caught up in his little tantrum. I had to be the one who shot them an apologetic look.

There was an unspoken agreement between us both that if we wanted to spend time with each other at school, we would hang out at the library. This probably made us seem like a really boring couple to others but in reality we were just using revision and homework as a cover-up.

Since Michael was sitting beside me, I held his hand from under the table. His callused palm was tense for a moment before it curled around mine gently.

Staring at him, I watched as he continued sulking for a few more moments before he gave up and decided to take a look at the revision papers.

Relieved, I drew my hand away and began to turn my attention back to my notes. The quiet atmosphere of the school library along helped me to concentrate a little as I absorbed facts. However no amount of knowledge could keep my mind from wandering away in detachment.

As I began to contemplate whether Michael was worried that I would go back to Perry or he was still jealous, memories of our childhood resurfaced.

_"So how was your day today?" Michael asked, tossing the same blue ball that had started our friendship up and down, as we walked home from school after our first day._

_It had been an exciting day in 3rd grade for there were a few new students in my class. I grinned as I recounted my experience. Michael genuinely looked entertained, a small lopsided smirk playing on his pink lips, until I said, "Also the new guy, Joseph Cabor, was really nice."_

_It was then when I saw his smile falter at once as a new emotion, one I hadn't seen before, flicker in his gray-green eyes. "Oh?" He responded._

_I nodded. "Yea. He's sweet." I giggled._

_Immediately, a crease appeared in between Michael's brows. "Really?" He asked, unimpressed and unconvinced._

_"Um, yea." I replied, slowly, upon noticing the shift in his mood._

_He nodded and averted his eyes to the ground. "Well, that's nice." He said, exhaling. "So I suppose you'll be hanging out with him more from now on?"_

_I stopped in my tracks, staring at him incredulously. My lips parted with surprise. "I was_ just _saying, Mikey. Don't be a butt about it." I protested, feeling my cheeks warm up. "I mean, he_ is _a nice person. And what's not to like about him?"_

_"Well if you like him so much, why don't you talk to him more?" Michael said over his shoulder, a scowl evident on his features. He didn't even bother to wait for me, instead kept on walking and picked up his pace._

_My chest tightened as I watched him disappear around the corner to his street. Michael could be a brat sometimes, and spoiled, but this was something else entirely. He had never acted this way whenever I talked about someone else, particularly boys._

_Biting my lip, I told myself firmly that Michael was just having a bad day. It helped a little, but not enough to dull the apprehension that was swirling in my chest._

I turned my head to glance at Michael, who had his head ducked as he scribbled industriously away on the papers. The mask of concentration on his features made his nose scrunch up a little with a tiny frown to form on his face as his eyes scanned the questions.

Detachedly I wondered if he would act the same way as he did the first time I knew he was jealous if - no, _when_ -he saw Perry and I working on our projects.

"Mikey?"

The nib of his pen stopped bleeding ink on the paper as he lifted his head to look at me. "Yea?"

I bit my lip as I inhaled, shifting in my seat. "It'll always be you, you know?" I reminded him gently in a whisper.

Michael stared at me but didn't say anything. His expression was impassive, I noticed with a start, but his gaze bore signs of flickering hesitation. "I know." He said, after a long moment of silence.

I sighed, ignoring the dull ache in my chest. I didn't know if it was normal to experience this sort of tension - if that was what it could be _described_ as - so early in a relationship. It was only a few days since we made it official between us. Wordlessly, I gathered my belongings and placed them in my bag. "I'll see you later." I said with a final tone, pressing a kiss to his cheek before I left.

*

Since Michael had after-school activities to attend to, I had to walk home alone. By the time the dismissal bell had rung, signifying the end of lessons, I was the first one out of class.

 _It's just for the project. Perry's not gonna act salty or anything_. I told myself, maneuvering around the waves of students exiting classes with excited chatters. I hated being in crowded spaces as it made me felt like I had slight difficulty breathing being in the same proximity as so many bodies.

Making my way down the hallways, I tried to remember whether or not I would find myself the classroom where Perry's last lesson for the day would be.

"Oh, Kaitlyn! I was just looking for you." I turned around at the mention of my name, finding the strawberry blond boy smiling at me. If anything, he looked the same as always. Windswept hair, bright hazel eyes and that adorable grin. It was as though nothing bad had happened between us, and I supposed that was a good thing.

My heart squeezed as I forced a friendly expression in return. "Oh Perry, hi."

He approached me, adjusting his backpack. "Um, are you looking for your friends or ..." He trailed off in a inquiring tone, glancing past me as though he expected someone to call my name or whatever.

I shook my head. "Nah, what about you?" I asked, trying to force the awkwardness back down.

"Mm I was going to grab a snack from the convenience store before going home." He answered before pausing a moment, pensively. "You're walking home alone, right? I mean, Clifford isn't with you." I was aware of the way he spoke carefully.

I stared at him, a little wide-eyed with my lips slightly parted with surprise. How did he know?

 _Of course he knows, dumbass_. I scolded myself. _You walk home with Michael everyday. He'd have to blind if he didn't notice_.

"No, Michael has stuff to do. So it's just me." I responded.

He nodded. "Um, would you like me to walk you home? I'm sure he won't mind and maybe we could discuss on the way."

I hesitated. Michael would mind if he knew I was walking home with my ex. But then again, it didn't mean a thing. We were going to talk about our project, not bring up any romantic advances. Drawing a silent breath, I nodded. "Yea, I guess that's alright."

Perry smiled.

*

We didn't head straight home after school. Well, partially I was responsible for it since Perry said he was hungry and I, in the spirit of convincing myself that this was an opportunity for us to discuss about the project, tagged along.

"Do you think I should get a bag of sweet chili crisps or a packet of koala gummies?" Perry asked, examining the prices displayed on the shelf of confectionaries.

I shrugged in reply, frowning. "Those are pretty unhealthy snacks if you ask me." Right then my phone vibrated in my pocket. Fishing it out, I looked at the screen that had a few text notifications, three from Michael and two from Adam the family group messages.

The texts by my older brother were just questions on what he had the other triplets should prepare for dinner tonight. I didn't really see any point of replying since this was a group message and that they would probably argue on end before they made up their minds.

The ones by Michael were just informing me that he was finished with his extracurricular activity and that he was on his way home. He also asked whether I wanted him to come over to my place later. My heart skipped. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea because my brothers would be home early.

Not that I was planning to do anything inappropriate but I knew how much Adam still disliked Michael.

Meanwhile, Perry opened his mouth to answer but shut it, nodding in agreement whilst considering his other snack choices. "Maybe a sandwich?" He lightly suggested and turned around to find me busy texting.

Glancing up I manage to catch him avert his gaze away with a strange look on his face. Worried, I put my phone away. "Is something up?"

Perry shook his head and laughed dismissively, albeit in a strained manner. "Nah. I was just thinking."

Sensing it was a lie, I resolved against inquiring about it. "Oh, well sandwich is good." I said, at a loss for other things to mention. Mentally I was cringing at how awkward this had turned out. We didn't speak until we were out from the store and I was wallowing in guilt that I might have ruined the whole thing.

"Um, I hope you don't mind me asking." Perry began tentatively as he unwrapped his sandwich. "Totally fine if you don't want to answer or whatever."

I raised an eyebrow questioningly, wondering what he was possibly wanting to ask that made him balk. "Go ahead."

He paused, drawing a breath anxiously. "I was wondering if you'd like to come with me to the movies this Friday night, since exams will be over by then. I mean, if you _want_ to, that would be awesome." He added, half mumbling it to himself.

I stared at him for a moment too long in shock as I racked my brains to come up with an appropriate reason to turn him down. I couldn't say that I was dating Michael, even if I really wanted to, because we made a promise to keep in low profile until Drew becomes tired of bothering him and moves on. But at the same time I wanted to come clean.

From Perry's vaguely hopeful gaze, I felt my heart squeeze with conflict in my chest.

"I --" I bit my lip, averting my eyes from his. It was too much for me to even look at him."I'm sorry, Per. I can't make it on that day. I have some stuff to do."

His expression faltered before he nodded, trying to erase the disappointment in his features. "Well. that's alright."

I didn't say anything in reply, for what else could I say?


	43. Chapter 43

The day before weekends were always the time I got to see my parents for at least more hours than usual weekdays. They were always the time I would look forward to at the beginning of every week.

While my family and I were at the supermarket, I decided to ask my mother what she thought of Michael. Frankly I had been planning to tell her first, and since she was the person in my family that I trusted most with secrets, I thought I should test the waters first.

"Mom?" I asked, following her down the aisle of breakfast cereals. I felt my heart thumping in my chest anxiously as I tried to gather the courage to speak up.

My mother was comparing prices of two particular cereal brands, her reading glasses sitting on the bridge of her nose as she perused the labels. "Hm?" She looked up at me, pushing back a stray strand of her dark hair. "What is it dear?"

I bit my lip and averted my eyes to the floor, suddenly feeling obscurely embarrassed in a way. Hesitation was holding me back and I hated the way I was balking. Exhaling a nervous breath, I inquired with a mild tone. "What do you think of Michael?"

An amused upward quirk of her lips indicated that she was somehow expecting this question, which made me wonder whether she suspected a thing going on between Michael and I. Probably she did, since I've heard that mothers were incredibly good at picking up the signs from their kids. At that moment, I kinda felt exposed.

"What about him?" She questioned.

I felt my own face heat up in response to her parental teasing tone. "N-Nothing, I guess. I mean, I just wanted to know ..." I mumbled, even though my voice was rising in pitch. "It's been some time. Like I know you used to like him as a kid - as in like him for being such a good friend to me - but now that we're older and spent some time away from each other, I thought maybe your opinion of him changed."

"Is there something going on between the both of you?"

It wasn't as if I hadn't anticipated she'd ask this. However, the shock I felt from hearing the question snatched all the replies I had planned in my head in case of this particular situation. Pressing my lips together, I met her gaze.

She smiled at me, understandingly, and enveloped my hand in hers. "Kaitlyn dear, there's no need to be ashamed. Michael was a good kid and I can see he's grown into a handsome young man. I'm _sure_ he'll treat you right, regardless of whether the both of you have something going on or not."

I felt my own lips curve upwards. "Thanks Mom."

"But just remember, you don't have to rush things with him and neither does he need to rush it with you." My mother added. "Take your time and everything will fall into place."

I nodded and felt a new resolve in my chest. "Ok, Mom. But, how did you know Michael and I are together?" I asked, flushing. I knew I hadn't said anything about us.

She gave me a knowing look in response.

*

I didn't know why Michael was being stubborn. It was a trait of his that I had had grown used to but sometimes it did grate on me that he didn't like to listen to others and would rather prefer his own notions.

"You drive a hard bargain, Mr Clifford." I whispered quietly, opening the back door for him as he entered. Though it was really late at night, I didn't really mind the fact that my boyfriend had woken me up by calling to tell me he wanted to sleep over.

Initially, Michael wanted to come over to my room through my window. I had asked him how on earth he had done that the last time and he simply replied that he was half-ninja. I didn't know whether he was being funny or not.

So after some protesting, I made him wait for me in the backyard, not wanting him to risk falling off the roof and possibly breaking one of his limbs in the process.

"Hey." Michael grinned, an expression that lit up the dark kitchen that was illuminated with the light of the moon spilling in from the windows. As he pulled me into a hug, I caught the scent of nighttime winter air and cinnamon on him.

Pressing a quick kiss on his cheek, I urged him to follow me silently to my room. Lately we had been very careful about meeting up in my house, not wanting a repeat of the last time Jacob caught him sleeping beside me. We had been doing this for the past two weeks or so. Not that we did anything particularly inappropriate.

The nights were always spent under the covers, warmth from each other's body keeping out the cold winter chill as we talked softly until we fell asleep. We were definitely taking this slow in some way.

By the time I had closed and locked the door behind me, Michael was shrugging off his jacket after he placed his drawstring bag containing his socks, toiletries and extra clothes - he often came prepared for something - his expression distant.

My chest tightened involuntarily at the sight of him that way. "Mikey?" I said softly, sitting beside him.

He glanced at me, a ghost of a smile playing on his lips before he wrapped his arm around me and buried his face in my neck.

My pulse raced but I returned the embrace, stroking his soft hair. The scent of cinnamon was filling my senses and I felt his heart was just as fast as mine against my chest. "What's wrong?" I asked softly, pressing a small kiss on his temple.

"I'm just tired." He mumbled into my neck. "Can we cuddle?" He drew back, looking up at me with pleading green eyes. Our faces were inches away from each other and I could see my own reflection in his enlarged pupils.

"Of course." I replied.

Soon enough we were already tucked in, my body curled against his as my head lay on his chest. I heard his steady heartbeat and waited until he had settled comfortably, his arm around me protectively.

"Want the lights switched off?" He gestured at the lamp on my nightstand. "Y'know, if your nytcophobia isn't --"

"I'll be fine." I assured and reached to turn the lamp off before he could protest. "So how was your day?" I asked after settling back against him, attempting to start a conversation.

"It was alright, I guess." He murmured in response. "Spent the whole day playing video games. I managed to beat my record in Mario Kart. Also I replayed the whole Silent Hills series."

"No wonder you were late to reply my texts. I knew you were busy. Anyway, you should've played it at night. You know, for the immersion."

"Immersion, my _ass_. Are you kidding me?" He snorted incredulous and shook his head. "I'd shit in my pants then I'd probably have to come right over here in your room and sleep with you."

"Is that why you're here?" I laughed softly, propping myself up to look at him with an amused smirk.

Though it was too dark to notice, I knew he was blushing for his face was turned away, an old habit of his when he needed to hide the flush across his cheeks.

"Can I take that silence as a yes?"

"Oh _shush_." Michael scoffed disbelievingly like I had said a joke that didn't make any sense. Facing me, he bit his lower lip. "I just missed being with you."

The way he said it, in a hushed tone that spoke volumes, made me feel breathless and lightheaded. It was a good sensation that filled my chest with warmth and buzz in my veins. I traced my fingers over his cheek.

"I couldn't sleep." He whispered, suddenly sounding very weary. "I've tried really hard to fall asleep. My body wants to but my mind doesn't want me to." He admitted.

I drew a breath, worried. "Is it just today or ... ?"

Michael shook his head, his arm around me pulling me closer to him. He was silently contemplating for a few heartbeats, which made my curiosity inflate questions in my head. "I've had mild insomnia for awhile. It doesn't always come but when it hits, it ruins the next day for me."

I kept silent, not knowing what to say or how to comfort him. I couldn't exactly tell him to take sleeping pills. I had heard enough from my parents that it was addictive and harmful if overdosed. Not wanting to push it, I simply nodded, even if it felt like the worst thing I could do at this moment.

"I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon as well." He added, with some hesitance. Sighing, he raked his fingers through his hair.

"Do your parents know about your insomnia?"

"They do." And that was all he said, not wanting to further elaborate. After a few moments, he spoke again. "I don't know ... I'm pretty nervous for my appointment."

"Why would you be?"

He didn't answer me.

I had never seen Michael this way and it did worry me a lot. I wanted to go with him but then I felt like that was too much. Besides, I didn't want to intrude and even if he wanted me to come along, he'd ask.

 _But maybe I can do something to take his mind off it?_ I thought.

Leaning forward until our faces were inches apart, I whispered. "Can I just kiss you instead?"

"It's not gonna make my problems go away." Michael muttered, genuinely sounding exasperated with himself.

I shrugged, pecking the tip of his nose. He tensed momentarily, before his other hand slid down my side to the back of my thigh and pulled it over so that I was straddling him.

This wasn't how I had imagined it would turn out to be, in all honesty. I was only expecting him to simply smile and cuddle me, but what was I _supposed_ to do when I was practically on _top_ of him?

Inhaling sharply with surprise, I stared at my boyfriend as a teasing smirk. The look in his eyes stole my breath away as he lowered his lashes, almost seductively. It was driving my thoughts uncontrollably wild.

My pulse was loud enough in my ears to block me from hearing him say, "Alright then. Kiss me."

"I --" I bit my lip, averting my eyes from his.

"No, sweet, look at me." He spoke in a low tone that made me shiver inwardly.

I obeyed as he smiled that dangerous smile of his. It was in this moment I felt horribly inexperienced. In my mind, I wondered at all if it had been a good idea to have brought this on me the first place. I could've just cuddled him instead.

But of course my heart was racing like a stallion, urging me to continue the momentum.

Wordlessly, Michael sat up a bit, regarding me through lowered lashes, and made the first move.

The sensation of his lips against mine made my resolve to hold back melt away. His hands smoothed up my back, holding me closer to him whilst leaving goosebumps underneath the thin fabric of the _My Chemical Romance_ t-shirt I wore.

I kissed him back as my fingers reached and tangled in his hair, tugging slightly.

He groaned, softly, a sound that made me shiver with excitement. Parting my lips with his, he grinned against me for a moment before I was flipped over so that he was on top of him.

I gasped in surprise as he trailed kisses to the side of mouth, down my jawline to my neck on my sweet spot. Not being able to resist the pleasure he gave me, I moaned softly. "Mikey."

He chuckled, fingers brushing under the hem of my shirt. Kissing his way back up, he whispered against my ear with a smirk, "Kai, I think that's enough for tonight."

Lightheaded from the brief passionate session, I frowned in confusion as he got off from me, laying on his side next to me and wrapping his arms around me.

 _Oh great, we're spooning. There's no telling what I might feel next_. My face warmed significantly.

Pressing a lingering kiss on my cheek, he rested his chin ok my head, allowing me to fit into his body. "Good night, sweet."

I bit my lip and squeezed his interlocked hands resting on my abdomen with mine. "Good night, Mikey."


	44. Chapter 44

I should've known better than to hope Michael would stay for morning cuddles.

When I opened my eyes, my vision was partially blocked by a yellow object stuck on my forehead. Squinting against the brightly colored thing, I rolled over and tried to feel around for him. The sheets beside me were still slightly warm.

He had left not long ago.

Sitting up past the constriction in my chest, I frowned and grabbed the object from my forehead. There was the sound of crinkling paper as my hand pulled it off before I smoothed it out, hopped off my bed and opened the curtains, allowing sunlight to spill into my room. It was bright outside and I realized I must've slept way past my usual waking time.

Not that I was bothered by that. It was a Saturday anyway and I had spent one night sleeping in my boyfriend's arms.

Returning to the sticky note in my hand, I read the spidery handwriting and felt my lips curl upwards.

There was a brief explanation on how he had to leave early before he mentioned how he wanted to stay and cuddle me till I woke up or draw cat whiskers on my face with Sharpie. Honestly, this side of Michael made my insides melt with warmth and my heart to flutter. Still smiling, I stuck the note on my headrest before sending Michael a quick text then went to freshen up.

*

"You know what sucks?" Wendy asked in a grumbling tone as she stirred her steaming cup of latte after adding sugar in it. "That I'm paired up with Drew. God, I swear the last time I thought getting her to cast in the play was the last time I had to suck up to her ass."

I bit my lip, patting her shoulder in sympathy. "I know. I hate her too." I glanced around to see if Perry and Drew had arrived yet. The cafe was full today, the strong smell of coffee lingering the air as many inaudible conversations mixed. Still, I didn't see signs of the strawberry blond boy nor the fair-headed girl.

"It's unfair." She rolled her eyes, glaring out of the cafe window. "I mean if we're gonna work together for this project, we're going to have to cooperate. But then I pissed her off the last time so I'm sure she's gonna ignore my ideas and all."

" _You_ pissed her off?" I echoed.

Wendy nodded. "So it was hard to stand hearing her talk shit about everybody everyday. I don't know, she said something that wasn't true about you - I can't exactly remember - but it made me flip my shit. The worst part was everyone in the clique, like they had no independent opinions of their own. They were agreeing with her when I lost it and they just turned on me."

"Well it kinda reminds me of this line from a song I know." I mused aloud. "It's Throne by Bring Me The Horizon. _You can throw me to the wolves / tomorrow I will come back leader of the whole pack_."

"How does this _even_ relate?" She snorted at me, sipping her coffee.

"I don't know since she's vicious like wolves." I shrugged. "It doesn't really relate but I wanted to say it. Anyway, I'm not making sense so I'll just shut up now." I said awkwardly when she stared uncomprehendingly at me.

Laughing, she wrapped her arms around me. "It's ok, dear. I get what you're trying to say - well, not _really_ but that line does sound interesting though. Like being the underdog - er I mean, under-wolf and then becoming the Alpha wolf, y'know?"

A smile formed on my lips as I disentangled myself from her. "And I thought I wasn't making sense."

She grinned at me round her coffee and stayed silent. "But I guess it would be weirder if we weren't doing this in a group. I mean since I'm with Drew - which I probably won't have a problem with considering that I will be as equally as stubborn as she is - and you with Perry, like one on one."

My heart squeezed at the mention of his name. Though we weren't together anymore, a small part of me still cared about him. I sighed, agreeing. "Yea, it would be."

Wendy nodded, pursing her lips together. "At least you two aren't as awkward as I am with Cilan." She murmured, looking rueful.

I glanced sidelong at her, frowning. "Yea, I was meaning to ask you about that. Hope I'm not being nosy or anything." I mumbled.

The expression on her face said it all. She still had feelings for him. She waved her hand dismissively as if she didn't care. Intuitively, I sensed it how bothered she was. "It's cool, beans."

"Beans?"

Wendy ignored the question. "He's dating Drew." She said softly.

I stared at her, lips parted with surprise. "He's - _what??_ "

"It sucks, right?" She laughed without humor. "Having to work with his girlfriend."

"Since when??" I asked incredulously.

"I don't know how long but maybe that was why he stopped talking to me about a month ago? Like roughly around the time you and Perry broke up." Wendy estimated, frowning.

If I wasn't mistaken, Drew broke up with Michael around that time, didn't they? Somehow I felt like I was responsible for this drama. I shouldn't have done whatever stuff I had done with Michael. If only I had remained magnanimous, focused on my relationship with Perry instead of pining over Michael to the point where I ruined it with Perry and Michael with Drew, we wouldn't be in this awkward position.

Scrubbing the back of her hand across her face, Wendy shook her head. "Don't worry too much about it." She spoke but it felt more like she was convincing herself.

"I'm sorry about that --"

"Hey guys." A new voice greeted us, coming from our side.

I started in my seat. "Sweet beans, who the --" I exclaimed in surprise before I saw who it was. "Oh, hi."

Perry was smiling affably at both of us, a file of papers - presumably notes - in his hand. His hair was tucked under a snapback and was in his usual black hoodie thrown over a plain gray t-shirt, jeans and Vans.

Beside him stood Drew, too engrossed with whatever was popping on her phone screen to even acknowledge us. Not that I even bothered but she should at least act like she cared about the Geography project. She didn't even bring notes with her at all. It was hard to believe she was related to Perry at all.

I glanced sideways at Wendy sympathetically. I could tell from the irritated expression on my best friend's face that she was suspecting Drew would dump all the workload on her. Luckily we weren't working on the same topic otherwise Drew would probably copy from us.

Wendy began to get up, moving over to an unoccupied booth where Drew and her could work on their project without disturbing Perry and I.

"So what's the game plan?" Perry asked, flipping his file open and revealing the printed sheets of paper.

"Well, we'll compare notes." I took out my own file.

"I researched about our topic and this was what I found." He said, passing his papers to me. "Not much but we can definitely start from here. Mind if I ...?" He pointed at mine.

I nodded before perusing his notes. "We should highlight the important parts before we sort it out ourselves on the Powerpoint. Then we'll just read the extra details in case anyone has questions." I said.

"Mm, ok."

We spent some time searching for the information we needed, ordering something at intervals so that the waiters wouldn't ask us to leave. It took awhile since our notes were mostly a jumbled and unorganized mix.

Everything was going well until Perry decided to take a bathroom break. Alone at the table, I glanced over at were Wendy and Drew was. From where I was, I could tell my best friend's patience was almost worn thin. They were conversing with each other, Wendy seeming visibly pissed and fed up and Drew with a stubborn look on her face.

Shaking her head, my best friend passed a hand over her face before shaking her head. Excusing herself, she got up and left to go outside for a bit.

Belatedly, I flickered my gaze away as Drew glanced over. Catching me looking, a malevolent smirk appeared on her features. I quickly turned my focus back on my notes when she slid into the Perry's seat across mine. Immediately I felt uneasy and intimidated.

This was the girl who could convince any boy to think she was the right girl for him and also trash-talk a girl until she let in tears. I wouldn't have let this bother me but because Michael said she wanted to get back with him, I was on the defense. Trying not to suppress my discomfort I met her gaze. "Hey Drew."

"Hey Kaitlyn." She responded, cocking her head slightly. "So, you and Michael, huh?"

I stiffened. My boyfriend and I were careful in keeping our relationship a secret at school so how the hell did she know? But from her airy tone, I could sense the uncertainty. However I wanted to rub it in her face that Michael was mine. She hadn't been that great to him when they were dating, according to Michael, so I wanted her to regret doing so to such an amazing person.

Instead, I glared at her wordlessly making sure to show how much I hated her.

She flicked her hair over her shoulder, hardly looking like she cared. "It doesn't matter, does it? Even if you had been really close to each other back then, it still wouldn't change the fact that you don't really know him at all."

My anger slowly changed into confusion. Why was she saying this to me?

"Do you think he'd really be all that honest with you?" She taunted with a sly smirk. "You have no idea who he really is at all, don't you? All you think is that he's a sweet boy who would do anything to make you happy."

My resolve to stay silent snap at the contemptuous and poisonous way she spoke. "Isn't that what any guy would do for someone they love?"

"You think it's love?" She scoffed incredulously and regarded me derisively. " _Please_ , honey, don't be stupid. You think if you knew what he had done, he'd still treat you the same way? Would you still feel the same for him? There's a reason why he hasn't told you much."

I rolled my eyes at her, gesturing. "Do you see that door there? It's _wide open_. I suggest you get your ass out there and stop bothering yourself with other people's affairs." I snapped angrily, pulse throbbing loudly in my ears. "He can tell me _whatever_ the fuck he wants _whenever_ the fuck he wants."

Drew wore an amused expression, still smirking at me.

That was when I realized I lost.

She caught on.

I had revealed that Michael and I were dating by acting defensive.

No wonder she seemed so smug about it. Fuck, I shouldn't have been so _impulsive_! I dropped my gaze from hers, silently cursing at myself for losing my cool as she stood up and left me be.

Even if I was frustrated at myself a tiny part of me wondered whether what she said was true.


	45. Chapter 45

However hard I tried not to let the fact that Drew knew I was dating Michael, it was hard to push back the lump of guilt in my throat whenever I was with Michael. A few days had passed since then but I couldn't escape the sly smile on Drew"s face whenever we were in the same room. I felt like I had broken a promise with Michael and I was afraid that he would really pissed if e found out.

So the day I was curled up beside him on the couch in the living area of my house - nobody was home at that time - I listened to the sound effects of the game Michael was playing on his iPad for a little while longer as I gathered my courage to ask him.

"Kai, you ok there?" He asked, lips brushing my forehead. "You seem kinda ... distracted today."

Wordlessly, I wrapped my arms around him and cuddled him closer, breathing in the cinnamon smell that clung onto him. "Is Drew still bothering you?" I asked, quietly.

Michael was stroking his fingers through my hair when he let out a laugh. "Not anymore; thank God. I heard she found someone else though. Good that she moved on." He shifted slightly so he could look at me. "Were you planning on tellng your family?" He asked in a hopeful tone.

I bit my lip, staring straight at his gray-green eyes. They were pretty to admire but it was hard when I was struggling against telling him that Drew found out about us. What bothered me was that she was trying to get Michael but was dating Cilan. I mean, I knew Cilan could be somewhat clueless sometimes but how could he not know? 

You shouldn't be judging him. I told myself inwardly. Besides, he could be in denial that Drew might be using him just like you were when you were suppressing your feelings for Michael.

I fiddled with a loose thread on his sweater absentmindedly so I had a reason to avert my gaze from his. "Yea, I was." I lied.

A grin grew on his face. "I told Mom and Dad about it last night though." He chuckled as he remembered what had happened. "They were like 'Oh that's great, honey. Who is it?' I think they were trying to be nice but they were, like, giving me these funny smiles when I said it was you."

"Oh."

He raised his pierced eyebrow questioningly. Somehow I was mildly annoyed when he did that because of the way it turned me on. "Are you worried about Adam's reaction?" He asked, thinking that I was concerned about how my brother would take the news. "Because I can tell him if you want me to --"

"No, it's --" I shook my head. "You don't have to. I can do it myself. Besides, I'm not sure if he won't give you a black eye."

"Adam is such an asshat." Michael huffed in exasperation with a scowl.

"He doesn't like you." I rolled my eyes, drawing away from him to pick up the notes from my binder that had escaped onto the floor.

My boyfriend shot me a look of mock disbelief. "But why? I've known him since we were kids and I'm pretty likable. ... Most of the time."

Despite the worry that was bubbling in the pit of my stomach, I laughed. "Sure Mikey. Keep telling yourself that." But after a moment, I fell abruptly silent when I was once again bothered by Drew's words echoing in my head. I knew I shouldn't allow myself to dwell on such things but it was hard not to. Wordlessly, I simply fiddled with the cuff bracelet Michael had given me a few days ago as a gift absentmindedly. 

Sensing something was amiss, Michael nudged me lightly. "What are you thinking?"

"What you'd look like with a black eye." I replied tonelessly.

Alarmed, he drew back with wide eyes. "You're not considering punching me, right??"

Feeling a laugh bubbling up my chest, I looked at him and shook my head. "No, Mikey. Like a regular black eye." I waved my hand dismissively. "Never mind me; my mind is running all over the place."

Michael bit his lip in consideration and pulled his legs up onto the couch, hugging them as he regarded me through half-lidded eyes. "Ok fine. I'll humor you. I should wear thick guyliner and eye shadow some time for you." A playful smirk crossed his features. "Then I'll need dye my hair black again and probably highlight my fringe --"

"Ok we're definitely running down the tangent we're not supposed to tread." I said without looking at him, getting up from the couch while running a hand through my hair. 

He simply grinned at me, stretching his limbs languorously on the couch as his eyes followed me when I went to grab my textbooks.

But little did he know the reason why I had to leave the room was because I couldn't stand the way Drew's words were poisoning my mind little by little, making it hard to look at him.

*

There was no other reason I was visiting the hill at the neighborhood park other than to be alone in my thoughts. The last time I came here was when Michael told me a little bit about himself during the time before I met him again this year. 

It felt like a lifetime ago.

It was cold, the chilly air of winter stinging my skin, but not that I minded much as I sat on the cool grass and stared at the view. There were a few more hours till sunset and I was sure I would be here before I had to return home for dinner. Drawing my knees up to my body, I hugged it and allowed my thoughts to drift.

"Y'know, I still prefer the Disney version of The Little Mermaid." Michael admitted as we rested with our backs on the grass in his backyard. He had his arm under his head, cushioning it, as he stared up in the sky. He was talking about the fairy tale book I had borrowed from the library.

"Ariel didn't deserve to become sea foam. Or whatever that is." He said, clearly criticizing the original tale.

I laughed. "They never said what the mermaid's name was, Mikey." I rolled to my side so that I was facing him directly. I was observing the way sunlight danced on his fair hair, turning them gold, and the sky reflecting off from his -green eyes before I continued. "But I agree with you."

"And Eric was such a poophead. Why couldn't he just marry Ariel?" He sighed, angling his head so that he was looking straight at me.

"Not every fairy tales have a happy ending." I murmured.

He was silent for a few moments. "Well, I want a world where everybody gets their happy ending." Crossing his arms, he sighed in a dramatic manner. "Maybe that's why people are so mean and cranky all the time because they've got nobody to love them."

"Probably." I sat up. "But who knows? Maybe people don't really mean to break other people's hearts until they do something stupid that hurts them."

Michael was silent for awhile. "I'd never mean to break your heart." It was so soft I could've imagined him saying that.

Thinking about that over and over again, I was only aware of how much I could beat myself up with my own mind. To exhausted to allow my mind to drift, I simply lay back against the grass and watched the clouds drift in the sky. There wasn't much I could do besides come up with a script on how to tell Michael what Drew had said to me.

He probably might be disappointed in me that I hadn't told him sooner. Or he might confront his ex-girlfriend. Michael really wasn't afraid of giving people a piece of his mind, when he wanted to.

The sound of a twig snapping snapped me back to focus. Sitting straight up, I whipped around to see what caused that when I saw a familiar boy.

His dark eyes were wide, with apology, and his lips parted. His curly hair was windswept and longer than I remembered.

"Raphael?"

He nodded, awkwardly. "Hola Kaitlyn. I ... didn't realize you come here too." He admitted, somewhat sheepishly.

"Me too." I said. "Did you want to sit here?"

"Oh no it's ok." He shook his head and made as if to leave. In a split second, I was hit by the urge to ask him to stay. Though I knew he was a total stranger and we didn't really know each other besides the fact that we met at a party and he saw me horribly drunk, I wanted someone to talk to.

"Oh no, Raphael. You can stay here. I don't mind." I said with an affable smile.

Hesitantly, he paused before walking over and sitting on the grass at a respectable enough distance from me. "Gracias."

"No problemo." I replied.

Raphael simply grinned in amusement before pushing back the wave of curls that was falling on his forehead. I noticed he had slender-looking hands, which I was sorta jealous of. "How's it going?" He asked, attempting to start a conversation in a rather awkward manner.

"Well, everything's alright I guess."

"I hope I didn't cause any trouble between you and your boyfriend the last time we saw each other." He said. "He seemed pretty pissed."

"What?" I released a nervous laugh. "No, he's just ... protective sometimes."

"Ah, I see."

I hesitated, wanting to voice it out. "But Michael isn't usually like that. He's always pretty chill." I added.

"I wouldn't blame him." Raphael responded, with a slight bitterness in his tone. There was a thoughtful expression in his Latino features as he regarded me carefully. "He doesn't think much of me."

Gazing at him curiously, I cocked my head. What could he be talking about? Unsure of what he meant, I decided to speak out. "You and him have met before?"

Very slowly, he nodded and my heart did a slow flip in my chest. Suspicions began to build up as I wondered what he would say.

You really have no idea who he is, do you? Drew's contemptuous voice echoed in my head, making the turmoil within me worse. I wanted to know but what would it cost me? Some things were better off left unknown however curiosity always seemed to get the best of me.

As if on cue, Raphael began to speak. "As a matter of fact, Michael and I used to be friends back when we lived in Perth."


	46. Chapter 46

The truth would only hurt me. I should've kept that in mind and let the topic slide over when Raphael said he and Michael used to be friends. But it was burning within me, my curiosity, begging me to ask him for more details. My mother used to tell me that my impulsiveness was something I should keep in check.

At that moment, I didn't take heed of her advice. 

"You were?" I couldn't keep the surprise out of my tone when I asked, staring at him with rounded eyes.

The Latino boy nodded, his gaze wearing a distant look as he stared at the grass with a slight crease forming on his brow. "We were very close, once. You see, when strong bonds are formed, one always tends to think they know the other person like the back of their hand."

I bit my lip, inwardly wincing at how true that was. Pushing back stray strands of hair, I glanced at Raphael. "What was he like ... when you two were friends?"

He only smiled bitterly. "I can tell you he wasn't anything like the boy you know now. Not even close." Glancing at me, his gaze was questioning. "Do you really want to know?"

I was silent.

"You love him a lot, that much I can see." Raphael murmured, his lashes veiling his eyes. "But don't you fear that after I tell you, your feelings for him might diminish?"

"Well --" I struggled, a little resentful on how much sense he was making. Everything could change if I knew. I sighed, hugging my knees to my body as I contemplated. "My feelings for him won't change." I said adamantly, ignoring the hushed tones suspicion echoed in my mind. "I've always loved him since we were little and I will always love him."

A ghost of a smile appeared on his features. "Dios, you're just as stubborn as him."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I raised an eyebrows questioningly.

"You're the one who's dating him, not me." He laughed in amusement, shaking his head at me. "Doesn't it piss you off how strong-willed he can be?"

My cheeks warmed. "Well ... sometimes, I guess. I'm worried for him when he goes out of his way for me." I admitted quietly.

Raphael nodded. "Very well. I'll tell you."

I sat up, interested, before I was aware of how eager I looked so I stopped myself. I didn't want to make it seem as if I always suspected something about Michael. I trusted him.

But is your faith in him?

Just when I thought Raphael was going to tell me, he simply stood up and dusted the grass flecks off his jeans. Baffled, I stared up at him.

Catching my gaze, his lips curled upwards at the sides. "I'm sorry but I have to return home. My family is planning to have a night out so I have to get ready."

"Oh, ok." My cheeks burned as I stood up. "When can we meet up?" I asked.

"I'll just give you my number."

*

I found Luke when I was on my way back home. He had his head ducked, eyes on his phone as he walked down the sidewalk; at least that was what I assumed because I was behind him. 

"Luke!" I called out before he could bump into a lamp-post. He stopped short, glancing up and started when he realized he could've been walking up with a sore face. Turning around, he smiled gratefully at me.

"Oh, Kaitlyn. Hi." He laughed sheepishly as he gestured at the lamp-post. "Thanks."

"No problem." I said, standing in front of him when I glared pointedly at his phone. "Don't text while walking. It's really dangerous."

Luke simply laughed again in response, bearing the nervously embarrassed tone. "Sorry. Hey, was Michael at your place earlier?" He asked, pocketing his mobile device. "He wasn't home when I went to his house."

I nodded. "Yea, he was goofing off at my place. Was there anything important he was supposed to do?"

He made an irritated sound, scowling. "I fucking knew it. Ugh, he's been really forgetful these days, like he's distracted all the time." Upon noticing my concerned expression, he backtracked. "Um, he just seems like he's deep in thought all the time. Kaitlyn, don't worry. He's fine."

"I sure hope so." I whispered under my breath.

Apparently Luke heard that because he touched my shoulder in assurance. "He's probably thinking about you all the time."

My eyes widened as I stared at him in embarrassment, blood rushing into my face. "I'm --"

"I was just joking." Luke said gently. "But you never know! Anyway, I could walk you home if you'd like. It's getting pretty late though." He was looking up at the sky which was streaked with orange against its usual blue.

I shrugged, guessing a little company wouldn't be so bad. "Sure."

The way back was quiet, save for the occasional notification ding sound from Luke's phone, which he hadn't silenced. From the corner of my eye, I could tell he was itching to check it but was holding himself back because he didn't want to walk into something.

Since there wasn't a conversation going on, I allowed myself to reflect on the chance meeting with Raphael. I had his number saved in my phone but I was starting to have second thoughts. There was a reason why Michael wasn't telling me anything yet; he was just taking his time, I told myself. 

Maybe he doesn't trust you. My chest ached at that bad thought before I dispelled it from my head, determined not to let my mind affect my relationship with my boyfriend.it wasn't long till I reached home. After thanking Luke for accompanying me, I entered my house and went up to my room.

The sounds of my brothers playing video games in the living room followed me up the stairs.

That was when Adam was coming out of his room and caught the sight of me. He smiled at me in greeting. "Hey Kat." He ruffled my hair.

Making an indignant noise, I swatted his hand away but was laughing. "Quit it, Adam." I opened my mouth to say something but closed it, smacking his arm. "Go play violent video games with your triplets."

"Whatever, sis." He simply flipped me off, with an amused grin, before hopping his way down the stairs. I paused, staring after him and feeling my heart thumping hard in my chest. I was so close to telling him about my relationship with Michael.

Jacob knew; there wasn't any reason why I had to tell him because he was obviously there, eavesdropping with Wendy when Michael and I made it official between us. Liam was on to it too because he was in my room the other day talking to me when he noticed the Michael's sweater under my bed with its sleeve in view (I had no idea how it went there - it must've been when my boyfriend visited the night before).

My parents didn't really mind and they also suspected because of the way they'd wear those funny expressions on their faces when I talked about Michael. However I decided to tell them anyway at dinner. They would be home anyway.

I just had to worry about Adam's reaction, considering the fact that he disliked Michael a lot.

*

It was hard for me to talk about my relationship with Michael at the table during dinner. It wasn't that I was starting to hesitate or that I was afraid to say something about it but because my family seemed to have engaged one another in a conversation about something interesting that happened that day.

Not paying much attention, I was debating whether it was a good idea to talk about my relationship when there would be a lull in the conversation or not as I dipped my bread in my stew. I didn't want to seem selfish, though. Besides, I was sure I might spoil the mood - or rather, Adam's mood.

The said brother's eyes met mine across the table when he regarded me questioningly with raised eyebrows. I simply shook my head in response, shrugging nonchalantly.

I was a terrible liar.

Jacob, in mid-laugh, caught our exchange before he smirked and looked at me. "So, what's going on in Kaitlyn's land?" He asked.

"Can you not?" Liam elbowed him with an admonishing scowl.

"Ow!"

My parents were looking at me at that moment with curious gazes. My heart was colliding hard against my ribcage as trepidation rose in my chest. Suddenly the script I had planned earlier was forgotten and I found myself struggling hard to remember it and stammering. "U-Um, well, funny you should ask."

I wanted to punch myself for saying that.

"Is there something you'd like to tell us?" My mother inquired with a genuinely concerned expression.

I hesitated. Everyone was looking at me that way, which made me uncomfortable to a certain degree. But I didn't want to keep silent about my relationship with Michael for longer. Drawing a breath, I allowed the words to spill out. "I'm dating Michael."

There was a noise and when I glanced to my left, I caught Jacob and Liam exchanging money. They gave me sheepish looks when I glared at them for betting on me.

"That's great." My father said, smiling encouragingly at me. "How long has it been since you both started dating?"

I laughed nervously, fiddling with the cuff bracelet Michael gave me on my wrist from under the table. "About a month." I replied. I hadn't looked at Adam yet, but I knew what I would see; a quiet smoldering gaze. Even if I wasn't looking in his direction, I could feel the weight of his eyes on me. I made up my mind to talk to him later.

"Ah, I see."

"But why did you wait this long to tell us?" My mother asked.

My heart flipped. How could I tell them that the reason why I had been keeping silent about this was because Drew was bothering him. Suddenly I felt stupid for listening to him. These people were my family and it wasn't like they would tell anyone from my school.

"Um, well, I wasn't really sure of it at first." I said, inwardly wincing in disbelief at myself for that little lie. "But it's all good now."

Dinner went on, with the topic of my relationship left behind as Jacob and Liam began talking about what was going on at their college, much to my relief. There wasn't anything more to say about my case, anyway. As the conversation continued, I finally gained the courage to look at Adam.

And I was right.

He didn't look pleased.

*

Knocking on my brothers' bedroom door, I told myself if there were to be any explosive reaction from Adam, I would respond calmly. After all, I didn't want any hard feelings between my brother and my boyfriend.

I wanted him to understand that Michael wasn't a jerk. It would take a little bit more of convincing, considering Adam was stubborn. There was a shuffling noise from inside when the door opened, revealing Adam behind it.

Pierce The Veil's Bulls In The Bronx was blaring from the iPod dock and when I glanced past his shoulder, I noticed the piles of homework on his desk. Guilt bubbled in me when I realized I must've interrupted him from finishing his homework.

"What is it?" He asked in a deliberately calm tone that belied the mildly irritated expression frown that was forming on his brow. His hair was messy, most likely from running his fingers repeatedly through it; it was a habit of his.

I shook my head, waving dismissively. "Never mimd, you're doing homework so --"

"It's fine." He cut me off and stepped into the hallway, closing the door behind him. Leaning back against it, he regarded me with those amber eyes. Though I had never really given much thought on the shade of those irises since we both practically had the same color, it did looked kinda unnerving on Adam whenever he would narrow them angrily or glare.

At that moment, he was simply staring at me expectantly. "Well?"

I started and then averted my gaze sheepishly. "I wanted to talk about Michael."

He exhaled through his nose, audibly, and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Kat. Maybe some other time. I'm not really in the mood to listen to what you have to say about him right now." He said in an even tone.

I stared at him in shock as his words hit me hard. Though I had been expecting him to lash out, the response he had given me was enough to surprise me into a state of momentary speechlessness.

Not having anything else to say as he twisted the doorknob, he turned around and entered his room, closing the door behind him.


	47. Chapter 47

"Kai, remember these?" Michael approached me, holding up a bag of fake bugs - or more specifically, spiders - for me to see with a mischievous smirk on his face.

I squeaked with surprise, nearly dropping the Star Wars action figurine box I was holding as I jerked away from him. "Mikey! C'mon it's not funny!" I protested as he laughed.

"You always hated spiders." He said, putting it back where he found it. When he returned, that stupid grin was still on his face. Noticing my indignant expression, he made a thumbs-up sign and stood beside me, a faint smile playing on his lips.

We were at a toy store in town, browsing for a gift for our friends; Michael for Ashton and Luke whose birthdays were coming up and I for Wendy whose birthday was also coming up. We had just arrived and were having a look around.

"Man, I remember I used to have one of those and I'd put those spiders --"

"In random places in your house." I rolled my eyes, finishing his sentence. "Yea, I know and it wasn't really funny when you put it in my school bag, wasn't it?"

He winced visibly at the memory and shook his head. "Well, maybe not at that time but thinking back on it now ..." He trailed off from the topic when he watched me place the box back on the shelf. "Decided what you want to get for Wendy?"

I shook my head at him, smiling. "No ruining the surprise, though." I said as I made my way to the stuffed animals section.

"I promise I won't, babe." Michael assured with wide earnest eyes before he frowned at me. "Are you going to be one of those boring girls who get teddy bears for --"

"There's nothing wrong with that." I scoffed, elbowing him softly as he leaned close to me when I was choosing a teddy bear. "It's cute and soft and fluffy; basically who wouldn't want to cuddle with a bear?" In the end, I decided to pick the panda, knowing that Wendy had a soft spot for them before facing to Michael,who had his cheek resting on my shoulder and hands wrapped around me at the waist.

I felt blood rush into my cheeks because this public display of affection might raise a few eyebrows but my boyfriend didn't seem like he cared anyway. His green eyes met mine, gleaming playfully.

"Bears are overrated." He whispered loudly.

"Sure, Mikey. Sure."

"I prefer Danny." He continued, in the same whispering tone before releasing me. "He's such a cute lil lion." He said, following me to the counter when I wanted to pay. He hadn't decided on anything yet so I figured he was still making up his mind.

I laughed in response to his statement. "You and your lion."

He smiled at me, in a way that made my head spin and my heart to flutter, and I found it harder and harder to believe that he wasn't this boy I knew back when he was at Perth.

*

I hadn't told Michael about Adam's reaction nor did I say anything about Raphael. Keeping these things to myself made me feel awful inside and the fact that Michael had his hand enveloping mine, it made me feel worse.

Still, he didn't really notice as we walked back home. He was talking about something I wasn't paying attention to - video games, maybe? He was always talking about that these days, not that I minded in any way; I loved to observe him when he spoke. The way his eyes would light up, a smile to form on his lips and the volume of his voice increasing slightly when he was nearing an interesting topic.

I wasn't listening to him, instead going on autopilot, which meant making noises at the back of my throat every once in awhile so that Michael would think I was listening. It was lying, in a way and it was my fault because I was thinking about what Drew had said, what Raphael had told me and Adam's reaction. It was bad for me to overanalyze things but at that moment, 

I had gone silent for too long because Michael had broken off his story and regarded me worriedly. "Is there something wrong?"

As much as I wanted to tell him what was running through my mind I couldn't because he would only be disappointed, if not pissed, that I couldn't hold the urge to know back.

"Nothing." I averted my eyes from him. "I just wanted to put my stuff at home before I head over to yours. Is that okay?" I continued before he could ask any more questions.

Michael looked at me, like he was trying to decide whether to inquire or not before he let it blow over, nodding. "Sure. I'll see you there." Leaning over, he pressed a light kiss on my cheeks then on my lips before he left, walking towards his street. 

I stared after him for a few moments before approaching my house, entering. Nobody else was home at that time so there were no questions I had to entertain. After putting my stuff in my room, I was going down the stairs, thinking I have to talk to Michael about whatever's bothering me.

I didn't want to hide it anymore. It was exhausting putting up with it and I felt like it was putting strains on our relationship. Perhaps he noticed it or perhaps he didn't. Either way, it was better to get it off my chest than to let it eat me inside out.

I was figuring out how to tell Michael on my way to his house, heart thumping hard against my ribcage with anxiety in my veins. How would he react to it? Would he be mad? I knew I was beating myself up with all these thoughts when I was at the front door, stopping short. 

Before I could ring the doorbell or anything, the door opened and revealed Michael behind it. I was mildly surprised, and little scared. Were my thoughts loud enough for him to hear a mile away?

Even if he could hear them, fortunately he didn't show it. Instead he moved aside so I could enter before wrapping his arm around me. Karen was emerging from the kitchen when she saw Michael press a kiss ok my cheek, raising her eyebrows with a half-suppressed smile.

"Hi Karen." I greeted her. "I was just dropping by to --"

"Play video games with me." Michael cut me off and was starting towards the stairs. "You still owe me another round of Dance Dance Revolution."

I shrugged apologetically at his mother who simply nodded in understand before returning to the kitchen. Turning for the stairs, I nearly bumped into Michael who was coming down. He gave me a confused look before holding my hand and leading me upstairs to his room.

I wasn't sure what was up but I didn't protest instead stood awkwardly in his room once I was in there, watching as he closed the door. "So, what's with the notes?" I asked, eyeing the pile of crumpled balls of paper on his desk.

He made a face at them before sweeping them into the wastepaper bin. "Been practicing math problems but that's not the point here." He drew a breath and looked up at me as he sat on the edge of his bed.

I took a seat on his computer chair. We regarded each other in silence, the tension between us thickening. I didn't know what was up but for a moment I was unsettled by the looks he was giving me; the slightly narrowed green slits and thin white line of his mouth.

Michael sighed and ran fingers through his hair. "Something's bothering you, right?" He questioned in a concerned tone.

I shook my head, averting my eyes from his. "I'm fine, alright." I mumbled the lie without inflection. "I'm just tired, Mikey."

"For the whole week?" He didn't sound convinced. Glancing up briefly at him, I saw the look of worry and hurt on his features - hurt?? "Please tell me."

I stood up. "It's nothing to worry about, ok?" I said sharply but deep inside I was hating myself for lying to him. What kind of person was I to lie to someone I cared a lot about? "I'm not in the mood to --"

"Is it because of me?" Even though he was speaking barely above a whisper, his words were loud enough to stop me from leaving. I didn't move and neither did he.

I bit my lip, slowly turning to face him. "It's not you." I said softly, hearing the hints of guilt in my own voice. "It's -- You know what? It's nothing." I said firmly, noticing him regard me in bafflement before squeezing my eyes shut and trying to silent the suspicions in my head. 

Michael would tell me when he's ready. I had to trust him wholeheartedly. Steeling myself, I made my way over to him and sat beside him. "I just ..."

"Cuddle?" He suggested, wrapping his arm around me. He knew I couldn't say no to his gesture, instead laid back with me resting my head on his chest, curled up into his body. He was so warm, his presence was comforting. Stroking his fingers through my hair, he was silent as he pressed the side of his face against my forehead.

"I'm sorry, Mikey." I whispered, tracing patterns over the place where his heart would be. "I shouldn't have made you worry --"

"It's alright." He assured me in dismissal. "I guess it's just mood swings, huh? Period is a bitch."

Despite my mood, I laughed and lofted my head to look at him; particularly his confused expression. "I'm not on my period."

"Um." A hectic flush appeared on his cheeks. "PMS?"

"Let's not talk about that."

"Agreed."

It went back to the comforting silence of both of us cuddling, soaking each other's presence before I started talking again.

"Y'know, I ... I've been wondering. Do you get shit for being my boyfriend?" I asked. "I mean, I'm a shitty person at times."

"What?" He sounded genuinely surprise and bewildered when his body shifted under me. "Why would - Kaitlyn, don't be ridiculous." This was the closest I had heard him to being angry. "You're not shitty."

Oh, but I am. I've been keeping stuff behind you, like when Drew told me you're not who I think you are and when Raphael said that you were a totally different person back then -- Belatedly I realized I was crying on him.

I heard him curse when he shifted again, wiping my face. "Kai, what's going on?" His voice shook. 

"I'm scared." I admitted, rolling away from him so that my back was facing him. "I don't want to ruin things between us. They told me, alright? They fucking told me things that made me wonder about you."

"But --"

"You're not the boy I think you are, are you?" I asked aloud, cutting him off. Suddenly I felt pissed at him. Not only did I lie to myself but to him. And those words, the words that implied Michael was hiding from me as well got into my head. At the back of mind, the rational part, was admonishing my unstable emotional part of me but not that I was paying much attention.

"Tell me." I said sharply, sitting up and frowning over my shoulder at him. "There's a reason why Drew said that I don't really know you at all, why Raphael told me you're not the same person I know and why Adam always looks at you with - with that disgust in his eyes. I'm missing something out, aren't I?"

His confused wide-eyed gaze had turned dark and stormy. The gray was swallowing up the green in his irises. I knew that look of his. "Kaitlyn, I'll tell you when I'm ready." He said with an edge.

"And when will that be?" I demanded.

"When I'm fucking ready!" He snapped, rolling his eyes. "God, Kaitlyn you were the one who wanted us to go slow --"

"But you suggested it!" I shot back, getting off his bed. "I don't really know you at all, and it makes me mad at myself because I honestly think you're still the same boy when you're not."

"Why should you get yourself so worked up over that?" He sounded very exasperated with me.

"Because I'm selfish, okay?" By that point, I felt like an emotional train wreck. Hot salty tears were running down my face.

He stared at me, cheeks flushed with anger.

"I wasn't thinking about you; I was thinking about me. I was afraid that you'd turn out to be some horrible person before we met this year because I let their words get into my head when I should've accepted you. I mean look at you - if you were that horrible person I thought you were, you wouldn't act the way you act now. I'm a shitty person, alright? I don't deserve to be yours."

It was that very last sentence that hit me the hardest. The tight knot in my chest was unbearable but what I said was true. I didn't deserve him if I kept all these suspicions. Like I mentioned earlier, I should've accepted him.

Maybe I didn't really love him.

Maybe I was just in love with the feeling of being loved by Michael.


	48. Chapter 48

"Is it me," Wendy said in between bites of her salad. "Or am I sensing some sort of fall out?" She continued, alternating glances between me and Michael, who sat a few tables away with his friends.

"I'd rather not talk about it." I said flatly. It was hard enough dealing with the horrible guilt of lashing out on him. I couldn't bear looking at him without feeling strangled by the words I had said. Though they were true, I regretted acting impulsively and letting them out.

I heard Wendy sigh beside me. "No, you do want to talk to someone about it."

I didn't reply instead, not wanting her to know how right she was as I stared at my untouched sandwich without much appetite. The din of the cafeteria wasn't loud enough to drown out the aches in my chest as I replayed the event that happened a two days ago in Michael's bedroom. 

"Maybe you should make it up to him." Wendy suggested in a helpful tone but faltered when I didn't respond. "Ok ... I think I'll just shut up and eat my salad now."

My eyes slid to the side. I wasn't looking at her though; I was trying to see Michael. I had done a fairly good job and avoiding my gaze from landing on him during the classes we shared - which was awfully painful, by the way.

Michael was talking to his usual friends. Well, not so much to talking as to simply listening to Calum rave on about something. Even at this distance, I could tell he wasn't paying much attention and had gone on autopilot, nodding when there was a pause in the Maori boy's story. 

He had dyed his hair to the same shade of black when I had first saw him during the beginning of the school year. It set off his pale complexion, and was further accentuated by the black clothes he was wearing.

I turned my gaze away.

Time went agonizingly slow for the rest of my time at school for the day and when the dismissal bell rang, I swept all my belongings and hurried my way out of History class. The school hallway was already filling up with streams of students coming out their respective classes. Pushing past bodies, I tried my best not to get trampled by the throngs and managed to get Michael's class.

The room was being emptied of other students. Standing away from the door at the end across the room in the hallway, I stood my tiptoes and adjusted my backpack as I tried to catch the sight of him. My heart skipped every time I saw someone with fair hair but I had to remind myself Michael had dyed his hair black.

And it wasn't long, a handful of students passing me by before I saw him exit the class.

I sucked in a sudden breath.

He rubbed his eyes, yawning a little as he checked his phone. Tapping a few times, he glanced up and around. His gaze skipped over mine and then past me. Then he walked off.

There I was standing, staring after him as he disappeared into the crowd, trying to choke down the tight knot in my chest.

*

So far, I was barely able to do anything productive on the blank sheet of paper that was meant to be my draft for an English essay that was due tomorrow. Sighing, I twirled my pen in my hand absentmindedly, staring out the window. Nothing particularly interesting was going on outside unless you counted the single twinkling star in the twilit sky.

Music was blaring from my iPod dock but it didn't do anything to block out my thoughts of Michael.

Reflecting on that day's events, I was pissed at myself for being so cowardly. I could've walked up to him during dismissal and apologized to him for running off after I practically left him.

Well, you deserve him ignoring you anyway.

The sound was faint but somehow I could hear it over the music. I swiveled around in my chair, finding Adam peeking into my room round the door. His face was carefully expressionless but he was glancing at my dock. 

"Your music is too loud." He complained, tonelessly. "And really, did you have to hit me for the past two days with the Emo Trinity?" He said, naming one of the playlists I had. 

I didn't move, instead continued to stare him down. "Does it look like I care?"

His mouth set into a disapproving thin, white line when he stepped inside. I watched him as he grabbed my remote and lowered the volume to his preference. Facing me, he sat himself on my bed and regarded me. "You look like shit."

"Well I haven't had the inspiration to write a bloody essay about some topic I could care less." I responded with a humorless laugh. "It's going really good. I'm glad you noticed."

His lips twitched. "This is about Michael, isn't it?"

I risked a glance at him and nearly lost my facade. He looked both pissed and worried sick for me. We stared at each other for a few moments when my resolve to deal with this alone cracked. My eyes began to sting and I found myself blinking away from his gaze, fighting back small sobs by biting hard on my lip.

"Kat --" He began worriedly, starting get up but I cut him off.

"Please, just - Don't --" I struggled to talk past the painful lump of guilt in my throat. My face was moist and warm at the same time from the tears. "It's my fault. It's my fucking fault."

Adam was already in front of me, his hand on my shoulder. "Kaitlyn, it's better if you talk about it instead of keeping it in." He said gently, handing me tissues.

I accepted it but didn't make a move to wipe my cheeks instead scrunched them in my hands absentmindedly. He didn't chide me though, which was strange considering the fact that he would usually tell me off when I wasn't being sensible.

Tentatively, he put his arms around me in attempts to comfort me. The gesture itself made me want to cry more but I struggled to get a hold of myself. Sniffing, I rested my chin on his shoulder, hugging him back as I stifled my tears. "I should've went after him." My voice shook. "But I didn't. I watched him go and the worst part was I didn't follow him."

Adam was silent when he drew back and sat on the floor in front of me. "Why don't you tell me everything from the start?" He suggested.

I stared at him, unable to hide the incredulity blooming visibly in my expression. I had expected him to get mad at Michael and call him names. Swallowing hard, I began to tell him how it all started, right from Drew's words to me till the part I lashed out verbally on Michael on what was supposed to be an intimate moment.

It would've been better if Adam had interjected my story and admonished me for being so stupid because by the time I was finished I was even more aware of what a horrible person I was being to Michael.

"Aren't you going to say something about how stupid I am?" I asked him.

Adam was wordless for a few heartbeats. "No." He paused tentatively as he shifted in his place on the floor, exhaling softly. 

"As much as I don't like Michael, what you did wasn't fair to him. He had his reasons for keeping his past away from you and you shouldn't have prodded him. Also, I don't like how you didn't put your faith and trust in him wholeheartedly in the first place. First you acted as if Drew's and Raphael's words didn't matter then you lashed out at him because those words ticked you off. I mean, imagine how he feels. It comes as no surprise that he ignored you."

I squeezed my eyes shut when every of his words hit me hard. "I was mad at nothing and I was just wasting time." I rubbed my sore eyes.

"Damn right you are." Adam mumbled. "If I were you, I'd apologize to Michael when I get the chance." Then his hard gaze softened. "But if he truly cares about you, he'd forgive you." 

I nodded, tugging the stray thread on the hem of the sweater I wore. At the back of my mind, I remembered that it wasn't even mine. It was Michael's. Slowly, I glanced up at my brother. "I'm curious though."

He gave a short, mirthless laugh. "Curiosity kills the cat," His gold-brown eyes gleamed as he cocked his head. "You, of all people, should know where that besetting sin gets you to, Kat."

My lips folded on each other as I stared at him steadily. "You never really explained to me why you don't like Michael." I stopped playing with the stray thread on the sweater's hem. "Why?"

He sighed in resignation, in the sort of manner only an older sibling would use to show his weariness for his younger sibling's antics. "Does it matter?" He questioned and when he met saw my silently insistent expression, he only rolled his eyes. 

"I'm not exactly a forgiving person if anyone hurts me or my family. Even though Michael had hurt you unintentionally by leaving, I hated him for not telling you the exact time he was doing so. I know it's stupid but in my mind as a kid trying to be the best brother I could be to you, I didn't try to see it from his perspective so I always perceived him as a villain. 

"You could say that those feelings rooted themselves in me because every time I see him now, I remember you crying yourself to sleep every night the month after he left and I'm seized by the urge to punch the shit out of him. And I was so close, Kaitlyn, so close to doing just that when he came to talk to me the other day - I think it was after you told us all about your relationship with him."

I snapped into full attention, eyes wide. "What did he say?" My voice had shot up in pitch. "Adam --"

"He apologized for making me worry so much over you. And I wanted him know what I'd do to him should he ever hurt you in the worst way possible, intentional or not, again." He started to get up from his spot in front of me, a clear indication that he was in no mood to further elaborate nor continue the conversation.

But right before he could step out, I called his name with hesitation. "Adam?" 

He stopped. "What is it?"

"I know it's stupid of me to ask, but in your opinion, do you think that I really am in love with Michael?" I stared at him, afraid he that he would say otherwise and probe that I was just a selfish person.

I didn't think it was possible but I saw a slight upward curl on his lips that made me wonder if I had imagined it at all. "I think you already know the answer to that."

*

The sheets were all tangled up and kicked to the floor after my restless tossing and turning. Though it was cold, the room felt stiflingly hot and stuffy. I had left the curtains open. I was lying on my side, staring out at the window to the night sky where a few stars dotted the darkness.

Silently reflecting on the conversation I had with Adam, I remembered how much he made sense about my shortcomings. Besides that, it seemed like he disliked Michael less than he did before though I couldn't exactly confirm that.

Drawing a breath, I looked at the night sky again before I began to sit up from my bed, seized by my impulses again.


	49. Chapter 49

"And where do you think you're going?"

I froze halfway down the stairs when a voice behind me said that. With my heart leaping in my chest, I forced myself to turn around and face whoever it was who said that.

Jacob was staring down at me with a strangely impassive expression. His hair was a red mess on his head and though his eyes were looking like they were half-closed, his voice was firm. He had his arms crossed and was frowning disapprovingly at me.

Swallowing, I straightened up. "I'm going to Michael's."

"What?"

Heat flushed to my cheeks as I pondered over what Jacob thought I intended to do at Michael's house in the dead of night. "I --"

"You know what, you don't have to explain it to me." He waved his hand dismissively, yawning as he rubbed his eyes. "Just tell me where you're going and if anyone asks in the morning why you're not at home, I'll pretend I don't know anything."

Cool relief flooded my veins, making a small smile tug on my lips. "Thanks, Jake."

"Please use protection if you plan to do some frickle-frackle." He said casually and then noticed my scandalized expression. An amused smirk appeared on his features as he shrugged. "Don't give me that look. That's why you're going, right?"

My face was burning as I scoffed incredulously, turning on my heel. "Don't flatter yourself." I answered and earned a quiet chuckle from him. Tiptoeing my way to the front door, I unlocked it whilst trying not to make too much noise and went out, closing the door behind me.

It was dark outside and a cold breeze had picked up, sending shivers down my spine. As I set towards Michael's house, I began to think about the flaws of my plan and the consequences of sneaking out at this ungodly hour.

I could get kidnapped. My flashlight could die and leave me trying not to think about the shadows around me. A creepy clown could jump me and scare the shit out of me. I'd have a cold the next morning. Michael probably wouldn't hear me out.

I stopped short when I thought of the last possibility. While I should've been more mindful of the other ones I thought of, the notion that he would ignore me was the scariest of all.

"You're being stupid." I mumbled to myself when I reached the yard of his house. The lights were off and there wasn't any sign of anyone awake at the moment. I paused, going round to the back as I struggled to remember where his room was facing.

After about a minute, I gave up. There was no way I could climb up to his room nor could I throw rocks at his window - I would only break them and the Cliffords would not be pleased. Silently wondering how Michael managed to climb his way up to my room, I didn't hear the noise of someone opening the window above me until his voice spoke.

"Are you going to stand there all night?"

My heart skipped, causing my pulse to quicken and my breath to catch. However, I made myself count to ten before looking up, slowly.

And there he was.

Michael was watching me from his window in a casual manner. His features appeared impassive although he was regarding me with an unreadable expression. Then, he cocked his head. "I was asking you a question."

I bit my lip, heat flaming my cheeks as I switched off my flashlight. "I came to apologize." I stated, staring up at him defiantly in case he decided to send me away.

He was silent for a few moments, narrowing his eyes at me as he contemplated. "Why couldn't you do it over a phone call or text?"

"You'd probably ignore it."

"And why now? Why couldn't you apologize to me earlier at school?" He asked evenly. I recognized that tone of his and felt apprehensive. I must've wounded his feelings really badly for him to speak to me that way.

I tore my gaze away from his questioning, embarrassed. "I didn't have the courage." I replied, exhaling. The air was cold and was stinging my skin but not that it bothered to me at that moment. I needed to apologize to him while I still had the chance. 

Fighting back a shiver, I continued, gazing straight at him. "I know what I'm about to say won't make up for how I hurt you but I please hear me out. I shouldn't have lashed out. I should've waited until you felt comfortable enough to talk to me about whatever was bothering you. I was acting selfishly and I wasn't thinking about how you'd feel. I can't say that I didn't mean to hurt you because the damage has already been done but all I can say is I value us - our relationship, or whatever's left -enough to drop my pride and say I'm sorry."

Even when I was done, I still felt like my apology was weak. But then again, all that mattered was that I was being sincere. I waited for him to answer me.

But he didn't and my gaze fell away.

Feeling my heart sink like a stone, I spoke out again, without looking at him. "Bye, Mikey." Turning around, I made for my way back home.

"Where do you think you're going?" Michael questioned before I could reach 7 steps away from where I initially stood.

I stopped. "Home, I guess."

"And you think I'd let you freeze your ass outside?"

I swiveled around, lips parted in surprise. Though his expression hadn't changed, there was something in his features I hadn't seen before. My pulse was running wild but I managed to get the words out. "I deserve it."

He sighed, shaking his head before he disappeared from the window. I stared after him in bafflement, not at all certain what he meant and stood in that spot for a bit. Hearing the back door open, I perked up and saw him beckoning me in.

As much as I wanted to run in to his arms, I had to keep some restraint. Ducking my head, I made my way inside and kept my gaze down on the floor. I passed by him and felt my chest constrict. "Thank you." I whispered and risked a glance at him.

After closing the door, Michael paused and a frown appeared on his brow. "You're cold."

"I'm not." I lied, meeting his gaze as boldly as I could. "And I'm fine."

Rolling his eyes, he scoffed and took my hand in his. I sucked in a startled breath as he felt my cold fingers with his warm hands. Blood rushed into my cheeks and I drew my hand away from his, shaking my head. I bit my lip and turned away from him.

I was embarrassed and confused as to why he was treating me this way. I didn't deserve it. 

Noting my behavior, he simply sighed in resignation behind me. Without saying anything, he walked out of the kitchen and made his way upstairs. Knowing that he was expecting me to follow him, I went with him, staying silent even when he let me in his bedroom. I stood hovering near the door, awkwardly, when he climbed into bed.

Michael paused and raised an eyebrow. "Well?"

I bit my lips, ignoring how hot my face had become. "I'll just --"

"Sleep with me." He said, lying back on his pillow.

I nodded, even though he couldn't see me and dropped my drawstring bag in a corner before crawling into bed with him. I made sure there was enough distance between us before lying down carefully as though he was asleep and I didn't want to wake him up. His bed was warm and it smelled like him; it was comforting.

Though he was facing me, eyes closed, he asked, "Kai, why are you so far away from me?"

"Um, I'm close enough to you." I replied, pulling the sheets over us.

His lips quirked upwards as he regarded me through his long lashes. The way he did had blood rushing into my cheeks and a foreign feeling to bubble in my chest. "Still too far for me, sweet." He argued softly back in a lighthearted manner.

I didn't reply. Noticing my silence, Michael sat up a little and shifted towards me. "You're not going to let me freeze, are you?" He pouted. I had to admit, with his sleepy features and messy hair, he did look endearing and hot.

And it was enough for a smile to surface on my features. "Your bed is warm enough, Mikey." I said, half-suppressing a giggle.

"Nope." Then he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close into his body. I stiffened from surprise before going pliant in his embrace. "There. Much better." He said with satisfaction.

I rested my head on his chest, allowing myself to soak up his warmth. The sensation of it all was familiar and comforting, that the tension I had been feeling for the past few days ebbed away. "I'm sorry, Mikey." I whispered.

He shifted, but only so that his hand rested on my arm before he ran his hand down it slowly. "Don't worry too much about it."

"Ok."

"I missed you." He whispered, locking his eyes with mine in a way that made my breath catch in my throat. With a slight curl of his lips, his fingers brushed my cheek before trailing to my lips. A frown appeared on his face. "What? Can't I caress my girlfriend?"

He must've seen my stunned expression. Attempting to regain my composure, I cleared my throat and flitted my gaze away from his entrancing one and ignored the burning desire in my chest. "Um, well, I find it very sensual and I'm sure if you keep this up, you'll make me combust."

He let out a laugh, delight brightening his features. "Don't deny the fact that you like it." He teased.

"You're such a tease." I sat up, grabbed the pillow and hit him with it. The way he had my feelings in the palm of his hand at that moment was dizzying. It wasn't that I never felt this wanting for him before - those times, it was usually the spur of the moment - but at that moment, it felt like he wanted me to feel that way for him.

I was utterly confused.

Shouldn't this be an awkward period where we just made up to each other?

I felt the mattress shift behind me so I glanced over and saw a guilty-looking Michael.

"I'm sorry." I said.

"Will you stop apologizing?" He frowned at me.

I threw my hands up in surrender. "I didn't mean to overreact. It's just ..." I bit my lip as the thought occurred to me and left my face burning. "When I snuck out to see you, Jacob caught me and he thought that the reason I was going to your place at this time was because - Well he told me to remind you to use protection." I blurted in embarrassment.

"Holy smokes." Michael's eyes widened and a high color flushed his cheeks. His lips were parted with shock before he pressed them together. "Er --"

We stared at each other awkwardly.

"I can't blame him, I guess." I managed, tearing my gaze from his.

"Teenagers' hormones are crazy." He added.

"Especially teenagers." I agreed.

"I can see why Gerard Way sang that song." He mumbled.

I frowned. "Teenagers?"

He nodded. "Teenagers scare the living shit out of me." 

I felt myself smile. "They could care less as long as someone will bleed."

"So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose." Michael continued, grinning. "Maybe they'll leave you alone but not me."

I shook my head at him but I couldn't contain the huge smile on my face at hearing him sing My Chemical Romance. Shivering slightly, I pulled the covers and wrapped them around my body. "But yea, I mean, I don't think I'm ready for that yet."

I cranes my head to look at him, to see his reaction but then I was distracted by the harsh glare of light emitted by his laptop. Squinting, I made out what was on the screen when my heart skipped.

"What the fuck have you been watching??"


	50. Chapter 50

Michael's only response to my disbelieving gaze on him was flushing with embarrassment.

"I can explain." My boyfriend squeaked defensively; his pleading eyes were wide as he ran his fingers through his hair anxiously. He sat up and looked like he wanted to dive for the laptop.

"Oh no you don't!" I hopped off his bed, retrieved his laptop before he could make a move for it and plopped back down on the mattress beside him. 

"Seriously?? Guyliner tutorials?" The grin that was plastered on my face made Michael blush even more. "If you wanted me to show you how to put on eyeliner, you could've asked." By then, I was starting to laugh at him.

He simply sulked and crossed his arms, turning his gaze from mine. "Yea, like you're the expert here. You'd probably do a demo on me and make me look like I've been punched in the eyes or make me look like a raccoon."

I shrugged, nudging him with my elbow teasingly. "Well, look on the bright side. At least with that black hair of yours, you'd look a little like Andy Sixx."

He snorted incredulously and shot me a sharp glare. "Please, humans do not evolve into angels. He's flawless and I'm significantly less flawless than he is" He snatched the laptop from my hands and placed in on the mattress. "And besides, Andy Biersack has blue eyes. I've got green eyes."

I giggled, much to his aggrieved expression. He allowed me to continue having my fit of suppressed laughter, which involved collapsing onto my side and trying to restrain myself from guffawing loud enough to wake his parents up. "So you have a thing for emos now?"

Michael rolled his eyes at me as I sat close to him, laying my head on his shoulder. "Maybe. Maybe not."

I smirked at him, taking one of his earphones and putting it for him before attending to myself. "Sure. You can convince me with that brooding expression and jet black hair." I teased.

He groaned audibly and jabbed the play button. "I do not have a brooding expression and I had a hair appointment made the other day for my hair to be dyed. Don't pretend you don't like my hair. I've seen the amount of Gerard and Mikey Way, Pete Wentz, Ryan Ross and other emo band member pictures you have in your camera roll."

I decided not to make any further comments because he was right and instead, watched the video silently. After a few moments, Michael decided to wrap his arm around me to show that he wasn't as ticked off as he had let on earlier and even pressed a kiss on my cheek. 

Once the tutorial video was over, we decided to watch music videos of bands that we listened to. So far, that happened to be the most platonic thing we had done for the night. Halfway through Bring Me The Horizon's Oh No, I pointed at one of the recommended videos on the screen. "Can we watch that one?"

 

Michael did a double take as he inhaled sharply in surprise. "We are not watching Girls Girls Boys." He chided.

 

"Why not?"

"I'd rather you not ogle at a nude Brendon Urie." Michael scowled. "And we're not going to watch Build God Then We'll Talk either." He said before I could touch his laptop's trackpad.

 

I shook my head at him before tugging a loose thread on my sweater sleeve. Once Oh No was over, Michael exited the browser and closed his laptop before nuzzling into me. "It's time to sleep."

I frowned at him. "But --"

"I know it's Sunday tomorrow but really, it's way past your bedtime." As if to make his point, he gestured at the alarm clock on his nightstand, its display showing the numbers in bold red.

2.17 am.

I bit my lip and nodded before curling up beside him as he drew the sheets over us. Tracing random patterns on his chest as I listened to his heartbeat, I felt my eyelids grow heavier. But before I allowed sleep to overcome me, I asked. "Why weren't you sleeping before I came?"

He shifted and put his free arm around me, cocooning me in his embrace. "Nightmares. And then insomnia was a bitch."

"Oh. It's ok, I'm here now." My lips connected with his. "Good night, Mikey."

He smiled sleepily at me. "Good night, Kai."

*

The next morning came and I found Michael wandering into the kitchen, yawning. His hair was sticking up in random points and he seemed half-asleep - he nearly walked into the doorjamb - but I didn't know how he managed to still look hot. 

I turned my attention back to the stove, smiling. "Good morning, babe."

"Morning, sweet." He flashed me a confused expression then at the table where his family had meals. "What's going on?" He drawled, voice still a little scratchy.

"I'm making breakfast." I said before turning off the stove. He moved aside as I made my way to the table and set the pancakes on a plate from the pan.

"Why?" He asked before taking a seat. "I mean, I'm alright with having just cereal."

I snorted incredulously, putting the pan in the sink. After washing my hands, I walked back to the table and saw that Michael was still eyeing the food with a baffled expression. With a smile, I sat across him. "Just dig in."

High color flooded his cheeks as an embarrassed look overcame his features. "Um, don't tell me I forgot our monthsary or something."

I suppressed a laugh, shaking my head. "Nah. You didn't forget anything. Anyway, you can think of it as a breakfast date because dinner dates are overrated."

At that, a smirk curled his lips upwards. "I'm not really a morning person but damn, you made my day."

As we ate our meal, I glanced around the kitchen before taking a sip of orange juice to wash down the pancake I had. "I was wondering though; where's Karen and Daryl?"

He craned his head up from his bacon. "They know I sleep in till noon on Sundays so they usually go to the farmer's market - kinda like a parents-only date." He smiled at me as he bit into his bacon. "You didn't tell me you can make a mean breakfast."

I felt my cheeks warm. "It's something my family used to do every Sunday until Mom and Dad ... well, they're really busy working all the time."

"Oh."

"Yea."

He drained his cup of coffee. "It would be pretty amazing if we could do this in the future." He grinned.

I stared at him. "Huh?"

It was his turn to allow blood to rush into his cheeks. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "I mean, after we graduate and go to college together - like we could rent an apartment together and - um, like y'know just the both of us --"

I bit my lip as I watched him try to explain himself before he gave up, covering his face with his hand. Honestly it was heartwarming that he thought of this but simultaneously, the notion was daunting. Given the fact that our relationship could be compared with that of the sea - smooth and calm or choppy and rough - I wasn't sure if we could last till we attend college.

But looking at his hopeful gaze, I really wanted to give it a shot. I guess it's gotten to the point where I couldn't picture myself without him and that being an impulsive person, I wanted to say yes to him.

Setting my fork down, I took a breath. "That's a great idea, Mikey." I smiled at him.

"You think so?" He straightened up visibly with a hopeful expression. "I mean, yea, we can definitely --"

He was interrupted by a harsh ringing. We started in surprise before staring at each other curiously. 

"Oh wait, it's my phone." I mumbled in embarrassment before fishing it out from the sweatpants' pocket. My heart flipped at the number being displayed on the screen. "Hold on." I excused myself from the table and hurried to the living room to answer the call.

"What's wrong, Jake?" I asked.

"Adam kinda went to your room to wake you up and he found you weren't in there; he pissed as fuck." Jacob told me in a badly suppressed tone that didn't mask his anxiety."You'd better hurry back home before he murders Michael --"

"Jake, who are you talking to?" A new voice demanded, making my pulse jump - it was Adam's.

"Um my boyfriend." I made a mental note to punch Jacob for saying that.

"You don't have a boyfriend. Wait, you know where Kaitlyn is and you didn't fucking tell me?" Adam's voice rose trenchantly. The phone call ended abruptly and I was left listening to the ugly buzzing in my ear. I glanced at the screen, seeing that the call was ended before running fingers through my hair.

I didn't want Adam to go on full-on Godzilla mode.

"Kaitlyn?" I swiveled on my heel to find Michael hovering at the doorway, regarding me uncertainly. "You're pale. Is something wrong?"

I bit my lip, shoving my phone into my pocket. "I gotta go." I made for the stairs but he held out an arm to block my way. "C'mon, Mikey." I tried to push his arm.

"Not until you tell me what's going on." His tone was close to what could be described as angry. I met his glare with a defiant gaze of my own. "You're not keeping secrets from me anymore."

I wanted to make a scathing remark but bit back at the last moment. We had a good start today and I didn't want to ruin it because of my impetuous tongue. I sighed and backed a step. "It's Adam."

"Sheesh, why is that guy so protective over you? It's unhealthy." He mumbled in extreme annoyance. "It's not like he's your father or anything."

"Adam's my brother." I scowled at him for what he said. "And he's used to looking out for me ever since you left so don't you judge him for being protective of me - even if he's fucking annoying." I shouldered past him and ran up the stairs.

When I was gathering my things in his room which mean unceremoniously dumping them into my drawstring bag, I stood up and turned around before yelping. "Don't scare me like that!" Michael had managed to walk in without me noticing.

"You're not going in your pajamas." He said, scowling at my clothes."

"Why not?" I snapped.

"Because he'll know that Jake called you up to tell you he's in a pissy mood over your absence." He sighed in exasperation before taking my bag from my hands.

I crossed my arms and huffed. "So what are you suggesting?"

"We'll finish eating breakfast, then go and freshen up before we head to your place. That way you can spare Jake from getting decapitated while I get a chance to talk to your brother about what a responsible and caring boyfriend I am." He said smugly.

I sighed, rubbing my left temple as I contemplated over his plan. "You better hope this'll work." I jabbed his chest with my finger.

He let out a low chuckle. "Hey, look on the bright side." He followed me out of his room. "If I'm lucky enough to get a black eye or two, you'll get to see whether I'll look like Andy Sixx."

"Yea, an Andy Sixx with a swollen face."


	51. Chapter 51

Perhaps it was just the warm water or I was up way too early for a Sunday morning but I found myself wondering how on earth Michael managed to smell like cinnamon when the soaps in the shower had fruity scents.

I made my way to his bedroom and found my boyfriend humming under his breath to Blink-182 that was blaring from the speakers. As he was picking a t-shirt from his wardrobe, he heard me coming in over the music and turned his face to look at me.

"Finally!" He expressed his annoyance with an audible sigh, gesturing at me with the t-shirt he chosen. "Why do girls always take so long in the shower?"

I rolled my eyes at him, elbowing him indignantly as I passed by him. "You could've went first instead of attempting to be a gentleman." I retorted and searched my bag for a hair band. "It's not like I would have minded."

Michael smirked, lowering his eyes to mine so that his lashes half-veiled his gaze. "Or I could've joined you in the shower."

My breath caught at the thought and I flashed him a pointed glare. His flirtatious gaze was directed to me in response, making blood rise to my cheeks. Frowning, I simply tied my hair up into a ponytail. "I have a question, though."

He was folding the clothes he wanted to wear neatly on his bed. "About us showering together?" He glanced up, saw my expression and amended himself. "I mean, we can totally do that some other time but not right now since we've got an appointment with the Hell Brother but yea, what's your question?"

I sat on his bed, smoothing the creases on the sheets. "How come you always smell of cinnamon when the soaps in the showers have fruity scents?"

An amused expression crossed his features. "I guess it's because Mom burns cinnamon incense once or twice a week in the house so the smell probably sticks on me. She says it's to help with memory or something." He raised his pierced eyebrow at me. "Does it smell bad ... ?"

I shook my head, letting out a soft giggle. "I was just wondering. Anyway, what are you going to talk to Adam about?"

His eyes clouded with what I identified was the worry he had suppressed before he wiped that away in a moment. "You, obviously." I knew that while he was trying hard not to show it, he was terrified of Adam. 

I recalled what my older brother had said about Michael talking to him the other day so I guessed the experience might have left some effect on my boyfriend. Standing up, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close to me. I didn't feel the need to say anything.

His eyes locked on mine as his hands rested on my hips. They flickered when he rested his head on my shoulder, burying his face in my neck. I could feel his warm breaths against my skin and fought back the urge to shiver. Stroking his hair, I kissed his temple. Against him, I could feel how fast my heartbeat was. After a few more moments, I drew back and released him but not after he pecked my lips and left with a smirk on his face.

It was enough to break the icy worry in my chest.

*

"You're shaking, Mikey." I noted worriedly, glancing down at our intertwined hands as we walked up to my front door. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to."

With a solemn expression on his face which I suspected was more of a facade so not to show me how terrified he was, Michael shook his head and gave me a weak smile of assurance. "I want to." He said.

I narrowed my eyes. "You're shaking really hard and your breathing is fast." My voice cracked thinly. "I don't want you to have an anxiety attack --"

He inhaled sharply, removing his hand from mine. "I'll be fine." I could see the beads of sweat forming from under the collar of his shirt. I didn't trust him though; I had seen him have one the last time at school and I wasn't looking forward to seeing another episode again.

Sighing in defeat, I stood on my tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his lips. "If you say so." I murmured. "But I'll have you know I'm really worried for you, Mikey." When I reached into my pocket to grab the house keys, Michael curled his hand around my arm and I nearly yelped with surprise. His grip was strong.

Suppressing the urge to complain, I slid the key in and unlocked the door before stepping inside, with Michael behind me. My heart skipped a beat but temporary relief in my veins. In the hallway approaching me was Liam with his arms crossed. There was a frown set into his face and a questioning look in his eyes.

I stopped in my tracks and felt Michael let me go. "Um, I --"

"Just a heads-up but Mom and Dad both know you snuck out." Liam cut me off, whispering.

My breath caught as I stared. "Fuck." I hissed and glanced at my boyfriend who looked just as worried as I was. "Oh no, how did they know?"

Liam opened his mouth to answer. "They --"

"Liam, who was that at the door?" The sound of my father's voice, sounding trenchant, echoed down the hallway from the living room. I stiffened, mouth drying up as my heart thudded against my chest.

Liam shot both Michael and I an apologetic expression and sighed before replying my father. "It's Kat, Dad."

Exchanging looks with Michael we entered the living room and was met with the stern and disapproving stares of my parents. Fear and guilt blossomed in my chest as Liam scurried away to leave both my boyfriend and I in the living room.

I noticed, belatedly, that I was standing very close to Michael and made to move a few inches when his shaky hand closed in on mine behind my back, squeezing it. His palm was clammy with sweat but I was more concerned he might have the anxiety attack again. I held onto it and met my parents' gazes.

"And what do you have to say for yourself?" My mother asked me, regarding us both admonishingly.

"I shouldn't have snuck out." I mumbled and was grateful that Michael was holding my hand because I was shaking too. "I --"

"Young lady, I'll have you know that that sort of behavior is unacceptable." My father said and then narrowed his eyes at the close proximity of both Michael and I. "I know that the both of you have grown very close after ... some time this year but this is no excuse to sneak off like that without us knowing, even if it was just to apologize to him after having a fight."

I winced at how that was directed at me. Dropping my gaze to the floor, I nodded weakly.

My father gestured at Michael. "And you, young man, I'd like to have a word." He stood up and headed for the back. Michael stared after him for a few moments then looked at me. Momentarily forgetting my mother was still in the room, he leaned forward and I had to quickly pat his shoulder to remind him.

Expression flashing apologetically, he hurried after my father with a flushed face. I turned to my mother before sitting down beside her on the couch. "Mom --" I began but stopped myself upon seeing the look on her face. Swallowing my guilt, I dropped my gaze to my feet. "I really didn't mean to make you guys worry."

She exhaled, shaking her head. "Kaitlyn, I know you have feelings for Michael and it's mutual between the both of you but you have to understand that we were worried sick that something might've happened. What if you got jumped or kidnapped?"

"I know, Mom." I murmured quietly. "But I swear I'm alright --"

"Not only that, at the age that you both are." She continued, using the steely calm tone that was reserved for scolding me. I remembered the number of times she had used this on me and each time it scared the crap out of me that I was afraid to do whatever it was that made her scold me in the first place.

"I know that all of this relationship is exciting but you don't have to rush things this way." She added and a rush of horror flooded in; she thought I did the deed.

With my cheeks burning in embarrassment, I spluttered. "Mom, I swear I didn't do anything like that when I was at his place last night. We just watched Youtube and then went to sleep." I protested.

"Not an excuse."

I wanted to say more and then gave up, hanging my head low in defeat. Detachedly I was expecting her next words to tell me that I should probably break things off with Michael. The thought of it made my chest ache painfully as it had gotten to the point that I didn't want to be with anyone else but him.

"If you're going to ground me and tell me to break up with Michael, then just say it." I spoke in a defeated voice.

She was silent, unmoving, for a few moments before her hand enclosed on mine. Shock ran through me and I lifted my eyes to hers. "Mom?"

"Your father and I have decided to ground you till the next two weeks." She said and I half-sighed with relief and half-groaned in complaint at the the time frame I was supposed to be grounded inwardly. "But, we won't ask you to break up with him."

My eyes rounded with surprise before I quickly masked my expression with a questioning frown. "Really?" I bit back too late when I realized how stupid that was.

My mother let out a breath, shaking her head as she placed her hand on my cheek. "Just don't get yourselves into a mess again and we won't take measures to separate the both of you."

Cool relief welled in me and I was about to reply when I heard footsteps down the hallway. Turning my head, I saw a pale faced Michael walking past us. My muscles tensed then I had to stop myself from rushing to him when I saw my father behind him. 

The words my father said to both my mother and I were static noise to my ears as the worry made the lump in my throat painful. What had happened? When the door closed, I turned to my mother but she was already getting up.

I sighed, giving up on asking her as I braced myself for being grounded for the next two weeks.


	52. Chapter 52

"So you're grounded too? Damn, high five through the phone." Michael's voice said in my ear with a humorless chuckle. "Some week this turned out, huh?"

I bit my lip, staring up at the ceiling as I adjusted my phone. "Yea." I sighed, thinking about all the stuff that happened so far. The suspicions, the fight, the not-talking-to-each-other part, the sleepover and other stuff. My fingers picked on the loose thread on the sweater Michael gave me absentmindedly.

Soft music was playing on the iPod dock as I thought of something to say to Michael before the silence on our phone conversation got awkward. "So how was Dad?"

I heard him release a breathless chuckle and imagined what he was doing at that moment. He was probably lying on his bed, a hand under his head, running fingers through his newly dyed black hair as he stared up at the ceiling.

"Scary, in a way." He replied after clearing his throat. "I mean, I've known your dad since I was a little but I didn't think he'd be giving me the talk, like 'you hurt my little princess and you can kiss your baby-making parts goodbye.'"

I made a face. "He didn't actually say that, did he?"

"Well." He paused. "Maybe."

"Michael Gordon Clifford."

"Of course he didn't, babe." He snorted. "He was very straightforward about it. He made it clear that while he was fine with our relationship he didn't want it to get out of hand, so to speak."

I sat up on my bed and turned to look at my window. The day had passed by uneventfully, its hours dragging till night fell. The sky outside was dark, the only illumination coming from stars and the moon besides the lights from my neighbors' houses. I couldn't count the number of times I had done that tonight, hoping that Michael would be right there. It had gotten to the point that I craved his touch so much. "Y'know, I could use some cuddles right now."

Michael sighed dramatically. "Sadly, the Cuddle Master can't pay a visit tonight." He paused. "Grab a pillow."

"Why?"

"Just do it. Alright, so just hold the pillow and imagine it's me." He said. "Feel any better?"

"That's very helpful." I answered sarcastically, earning a cheeky giggle on the other side of the line. "See you at school tomorrow?" I said past a yawn, drawing the cover up to my chin.

"Will do. Sweet dreams, Kai."

"Night, Mikey." And that was that. The line went buzzed at the end of the call and I placed my phone on the nightstand. As Northern Downpour began to play, I thought of my earlier conversation with Adam, who told my parents about my absence this morning.

I was still fuming that he ratted me out although at the same time, I was too tired to even waste my time on being angry with him. He was only looking out for me. However, the more I allowed myself to recall, I couldn't help but resent him for it.

I remembered how Michael wanted to confront Adam and convince him not to worry so much about me. 

A random idea came to my head. While it was near impossible that Michael and Adam would agree to it, I had to try it out.

*

"You want me to do what?" I had anticipated Adam's outburst to be a little more vocal but all I got was a steely, disbelieving tone. Adam's fork was halfway to his mouth as he frowned at me.

Jacob cast him an irritable glance from his cup of coffee and rolled his eyes. "Are you deaf? She just asked you whether you'd like to hang out with Michael."

"I heard her but I wasn't sure if she's being serious about it." Adam snapped, kicking the redhead in the shin from under the table.

"How serious can't one be on a Monday morning?" Liam mused aloud, earning an appreciative look from Jacob and an exasperated glare from Adam. "Jeez, Adam, wake up and smell the coffee."

At that, Jacob's lips curled instantly upwards into a mischievous grin. "You can smell mine. It's espresso."

"I hate the smell of coffee." Adam replied, pushing Jacob's hand away. "And no thanks."

"Guys!" I said to grab their attention before one of them could start a fight at the table. Sighing defeatedly, I regarded Adam entreatingly in attempts to weaken his resolve. "Hanging out with Michael won't be as bad as you think. I just want the both of you to get along and not be at each other's throats."

The oldest triplet made an impatient noise at the back of his throat and exhaled audibly as he tried to assess how serious I was with the suggestion. "I'll think about it."

I was so thrilled that his response wasn't a flat no. I clapped my hands in excitement with a huge grin. "Alright, I'll tell Michael!" Reaching down, I grabbed my backpack and made for the door when Liam called out.

"Kat, wait!" I turned around and was handed a lunchbox by the blond brother. He ruffled my hair, causing me to groan in protest and swat his hand away. Smiling with brotherly amusement, he said, "Go out there and grab school by the balls. Kill some bitches and make everybody proud."

"Mm thanks." I rolled my eyes but he held my arm to stop me. "What?"

"Your phone?" He held out his hand. "May I remind you that you're grounded so --"

"So no phones during daylight hours. Ugh, yes I know Mom." I responded in annoyance, reached into my jeans pocket and gave him my phone.

He smiled with satisfaction and waved me away. "Now shoo. The Redford brother have arrangement to make to take over our college."

"Bye to you too."

*

Threading my way to the crowded hallways was quite an effort as usual, with the jostling and shoving around, I finally made it to homeroom in one piece. I made my way to my seat at the back and found Luke seated at my desk with his feet propped up on my boyfriend's lap. Calum was at Wendy's place, smirking at his best friends when I cleared my throat. They turned to look at me.

"Oh, hi Kaitlyn." Luke waved at me.

"What's going on?" I gestured at Luke's feet on Michael's lap with a baffled frown.

Calum laughed, which added to my confusion. "Tell her, Michael."

Michael only gave me an aggrieved shrug and sighed. "Kai, it's nothing you should worry about unless you hate it when your boyfriend loses to a guy named Luke Hemmings at Dance Dance Revolution. I'm his footrest for the day."

"Ottoman." Luke corrected with a horrible British accent. "Watch the words you use, Mr Clifford.

I shot them both an amused expression at their odd bet and placed my binders on my desk. "That's very interesting but I have some stuff to talk to Michael about."

Luke nodded and took his feet off Michael's lap, much to my boyfriend's relief - I wondered whether Luke's feet were really heavy - and wandered off with Calum to their respective places. Taking a seat on the chair, I faced Michael. "So how about you and Adam hang out this weekend?"

"Seriously?" He blurted out. I would've been fooled into thinking he was excited for it, except he wasn't looking excited rather incredulous. "Me and Adam? Like alone?"

"Yea?"

"Nope."

I flashed him a disbelieving glare. "Here's your chance convince him that you're 'a responsible and caring boyfriend.'" I quoted, frowning at him. "C'mon, Mikey."

Michael opened his mouth to argue then broke off. "You have a point." He mumbled in halfhearted agreement. Running fingers through his hair, he regarded me from the corner of his eyes. "I'll agree to it. But only if you come along."

"What's the purpose of the whole thing if I'm going to be third-wheeling on your bro-date?"

"We're not bros and it's definitely not a date. More like a sacrifice to appease an angry divine being but whatever. I just want to make sure you'll be there in my final moments."

I exhaled audibly. "You don't have to be so dramatic. Besides, it'll be fun."

He shook his head at me. "I'll have you know that while I really like being your boyfriend, you're a really tough girl to handle."

*

When the day Adam and Michael had agreed to hang out together, I had dragged Wendy along to watch on them. While she made a few complaints about how weird it was to be spying on my brother and my boyfriend, I suspected that she really didn't mind the whole affair as she was curious to see the outcome at the end of the day.

"Twenty bucks." She said when we were watching Michael and Adam have lunch at a restaurant across us.

I glanced at her with confusion. "What?"

She smirked at me. "That's how much you'll owe me if one of them starts a fight."

I was nervous about the whole thing and fervently hoping that the two boys would get along that her bet made me flash her an defiant expression. "They won't strangle each other, relax." I turned my attention back to Adam and Michael. From this distance, I could see them conversing in a serious manner.

The gnawing sensation at the pit of my stomach intensified when I noticed Michael's gestures got a little more obvious. Adam sat stock-still but I suspected he was very tense. My worries were growing. I didn't know if I could stand watching any of them get hurt because of the other. Biting hard on my lip, I barely noticed that Wendy was saying something until she said my name.

"-- Kaitlyn."

In a daze, I looked at her. "What?"

"Have you seen this picture before?" She showed me what was displayed on her phone screen. At first I thought it was a meme, probably an old Dat Boi or Pepe the frog but when I saw the image, I did a double take.

My heart flipped. "Can I borrow your phone?" When she passed it to me, I had to squint a little to make out the what was on the screen. The picture was dark and blurry with a few other figures but I could still recognize one of their features. "Is that Michael??"


	53. Chapter 53

The picture that Wendy had shown me the other day was still sitting in my phone's camera roll for about a week now. I hadn't bothered to delete it, even though after some time of inspection the image was too grainy and dark to even confirm whether the person I noticed right away had Michael's features. 

When I made my way through the cafeteria to pick a place to sit, I saw Wendy and Calum occupying a table a few feet away. Walking over, I sat down beside my best friend, giving her a gentle nudge in greeting and shot Calum a smile.

"Yo, Kaitlyn." Calum grinned, taking a sip from his chocolate milk. "If you're looking for your boy, he's in detention."

I was in the midst of unwrapping my sandwich when I stopped with a frown of concern. "Why?" I asked. "Ok what did Michael do this time?"

Calum shrugged nonchalantly, sticking his lower lip out. He went back to his salad and chewed on a lettuce leaf before continuing. "He and Luke pulled some prank and let's just say that the Chemistry teacher didn't have the same sense of humor." He answered and earned an exasperated groan from me.

Wendy patted my shoulder sympathetically as I rubbed my temple. "I told him that the silly prank would get him into trouble." I sighed resignedly, remembering when he texted me the night before to tell me about his prank. "And he dragged Luke into it."

"With all the honesty present in my body, a majority of the student population don't like Mr Pierson because of his sunny disposition." Wendy said sarcastically, naming the Chemistry teacher. "So I can't blame them for doing that."

"True." Calum agreed, snarfing down the last of his salad.

"That doesn't justify things." I said.

Both Calum and Wendy narrowed their eyes at me at the same time, which I found very unnerving. Then Calum started to smile teasingly while Wendy wriggled her eyebrows at me. Heat rose to my face.

"What?" I muttered defensively.

"Aha, you're being so worked up on it because Michael got in trouble with Luke." Calum jabbed a finger in the air.

I stared at him in incomprehension to what he was implying.

"So, you're wishing it was you instead of Luke. Don't lie to me!" He added with a laugh when I started to sputter protests in response. "Admit it, Kaitlyn."

"I'm not jealous of Luke." I snapped, burying my face in my hands to conceal the high color that was breaking out on my cheeks. "I hate you guys."

"Whoa, no offense, but imagine if Michael and Luke were dating." Calum said to Wendy.

In that treacherous moment, my best friend mumbled something that sounded like 'oh tea pee.'

"What? No!" Calum crossed his arms, frowning in disagreement. "Muke is not the OTP here."

Wendy scoffed and rolled her eyes. "What? You mean Malum's the OTP here?"

"Yes!"

"Sorry honey but we ain't got enough space for that."

"Not on my watch."

"You're not wearing one." Wendy pointed out. 

'That's not what I meant."

"Guys!" I interrupted before they could start hurling insults at each other in attempts about their strange one true pairings. "Ok, Calum. I actually wanted to ask you something." I informed, reaching into my pocket to retrieve my phone.

The dark haired boy turned to me, wearing a questioning look in his eyes as he watched me for a few moments before I found what I was looking for.

"This." I said, showing him the picture Wendy had shown me the other day. Handing my phone to him, I observed his reaction to it. A crease appeared on his eyebrows but that was all I could see as he had his head ducked to peruse the picture. 

After a few moments, he lifted his head and shrugged at me. "What about this picture?"

I bit back my impatience. "Zoom in on the second guy to the right. No, sorry, I meant my right." I instructed. "Yea, that guy. Don't you think he looks familiar?"

"I think he does. Oh, but how you wish he doesn't, don't you Kaitlyn dear?" My heart skipped a beat as I glanced up to find Drew smirking in a superior manner at the three of us. 

Blood pulsed in my ears and I was very tempted to wipe that expression off her face but decided against it; she wasn't worth the trouble. Drawing a breath, I met her smug gaze. "Yea, good day to you too." I deadpanned.

Her lips quirked upwards with amusement. "What a shame, though."

A noise escaped from Wendy's throat before I registered it as a laugh. "Nobody invited you over so please leave us alone and we won't interfere with your - whatever drama that's going on in your little narcissistic world." She snapped.

Drew hardly acknowledged her instead continued to goad me when she saw my uncertain expression. "Just as I thought. Poor thing. You haven't learned, have you?" Everything about her mockingly sweet tone made me feel sick to the stomach. Frankly, I wondered why I was even letting her bother me.

Balling my fists at the side, I exhaled and stood up. "Ok, I get it. Being the hung-up little shit you are, you think you can get back at me by feeding me all these things to cause tension between Michael and I so that we'll break up and you can get Michael back." I said. 

"But since it wasn't enough for you, you decide to throw yourself at Cilan," I casted a quick look at Wendy but her face was turned away so I couldn't see what her reaction was. I had a feeling that the mention of his name hurt her in a way but I continued. "To hurt my best friend and to rub it in my face to say 'Look I got one of your friends so that's one less person you'll be socializing with.'"

"And if that isn't enough you spread this picture. Yes, I know it was you. I know that's Michael there with a bunch of random people I don't know and the only people I can think of who knew what he was like back in Perth are his parents, his best friends from kindergarten and you. Only one person would do this to him. That's you. I'm sorry, Drew. If this is your way of getting me to separate from Michael, nice try but my boyfriend will tell me if he wants to."

When I was finished, everyone at the table had fallen silent. It was oddly satisfying and I was proud of myself for not blowing up although there were a few times I was practically shoving it in her face. Speaking of her face, I noted the expression on her features. It was as if she hadn't expected me to speak my mind.

With a nod of my head, I left the table and the cafeteria, determined to get away from all the commotion. My head was starting to feel light as I wandered down the hallways searching for the restroom. When I found it, I pushed my way inside and went straight to the sink. Turning on the faucet, I splashed the cold tap water on my face to fight off the dazed haze in my mind.

I couldn't believe I had said those stuff to Drew.

A breath dragged itself out of me as my eyes flicked upwards to look at the mirror. "You can't be in here. This isn't the guys' restroom."

Behind me, Michael shifted on his feet before shutting the door behind him. For good measure, he locked it. His green eyes were unreadable or that was just because I wasn't looking at him directly, instead at the way his hair stuck out, tousled, in a manner that made my fingers itch to run through them. 

"I thought something was up since you basically walked past me when I was right in front of you." He sounded both rueful and concerned.

I sighed and turned around as he approached me to close the distance between us. My gaze traveled from the hem of his denim jacket then up to his eyes before my hands rested on his chest. "I'm sorry. I was just wondering how I told Drew off what a horrid person she was, more or less."

A soft chuckle of admiration fluttered past his parted lips that were curved into a smile. "Seriously?" His green eyes gleamed in approval. "That's my girl." He whispered, brushing his fingers over my cheek in a way that made me shiver inwardly.

I fought back a badly suppressed smile. "What are you doing wandering down the halls? Don't you have a date with detention?" I chided, hands traveling up to cup his face as I stared at him as sternly as I could.

A cheeky grin appeared on his features. "I told the teacher I needed to go to the bathroom. Luke isn't really the best company in those types of situation."

"So much for Muke."

"What?"

"Nothing." Instead of further elaborating on what I said earlier, I stood on the tips of my toes and kissed him. Wrapping my arms around him for support, I felt him shift and pull me closer by the waist. My heart fluttered in response when he returned the kisses with a grin against me.

Michael let out a soft groan when my fingers went for his hair and tugged them gently, a sound that send shivers down my spine. His hands left my waist while his body pressed on mine in attempts to close whatever remaining space between us. His heart was pounding hard in his chest.

I felt something digging against my back and realized detachedly that it was the sink and that Michael had me pinned against it for some reason. Not that I cared a lot about that fact at that moment.

He was beginning to part my lips with his when somebody tried to open the door. We sprang away in surprise, flushed and wide-eyed as I heard whoever who was trying to enter the restroom swear, followed by another voice.

"Ah well, probably some couple decided to take their private affairs in there." The first voice said.

"Fuck that! Why can't they just use an empty classroom or something." The other voice snapped impatiently. "It's not like the teachers check or anything during lunch. Could you guys hurry up in there?"

Both Michael and I didn't respond.

"C'mon let's go look for another restroom." The first voice told the second one and a string of grumbles and cusses followed before they faded away.

I glanced at Michael, who was looking like he was trying not to laugh. "That could've went worse." He chuckled before moving closer to me.

I let out a giggle, agreeing. "Yea."

He stared at me for a few more moments before a crease appeared on his eyebrows. "I've gotta get back to detention. Should I wait for you after school?"

I shook my head. "I have extracurricular stuff so you go on ahead. But meet me at the hill? Y'know the one in the park?" I asked.

He nodded before pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead. Drawing back, he opened his mouth to say something before he shaped a smile at me and left.

I stared after him, still feeling a little breathless from the way he had kissed me earlier. Sighing, I pressed my lips together and tried to work up something to say about the 'picture' to him later.


	54. Chapter 54

I should've remembered that my mother would be home that afternoon I was planning to meet Michael at the hill.

Since I was still serving the 'grounded' sentence, it was suspicious to my mother that I wanted to go to the park alone after school. "It's just a quick walk to, uh, clear my mind from the Maths homework I did earlier." I said airily, hoping she'd be convinced.

"Mhm." She responded, frowning at her phone screen as she played 2048. "Well in that case, ask Liam to come with you." Upon noticing my badly-suppressed disappointed expression, she shook her head at me. "You did say it was a quick walk, didn't you? I'm sure some quality sibling time won't hurt."

I pressed my lips and nodded before exiting the living room to go upstairs. Knocking on my brothers' door, I waited for a bit when Jacob opened it slightly. "What's the password?"

"There is no password." I sighed wearily.

"Not entirely wrong and not entirely right." The redheaded triplet mused, lips quirking into a grin. "Alright, get your ass in here."

I didn't move. "Where's Liam?" The sound of the toilet flushing down the hallway answered me. "Ah, okay never mind."

The blond was triplet was walking up to us with a calm expression, a newspaper tucked under his arm. "Lemme guess, Mom wants me to accompany Kat somewhere, doesn't she?" He said when I opened my mouth to explain. He sighed, pushing back strands of his hair from his forehead. "Where to?"

"The park." I replied, regarding him entreatingly. "I want to go the hill just to, ah, clear my mind from stuff."

Both Jacob and Liam narrowed their eyes, something I found unnerving as they did so at the same time. Jacob leaned on the doorjamb, resting his arm on the doorknob while Liam crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow. I bit my lip and tried to hold my stare. After a few silent arguments exchanged between the two triplets and I, Liam shook his head. "You never go there unless you're upset."

I was startled that he knew and judging from Jacob's expression, I realized he knew that bit about me as well. Shifting uncomfortably on my feet, I said, "I'm not upset. I swear."

"Hm." Jacob hummed, unconvinced. "Well, it's not my turn today to look after this whippersnapper so good luck, sonny boy." He used his best impression of our grandfather's voice and patted Liam's shoulder, barely managing to duck away from his brother's indignant punch.

Liam turned to look at me. "Ok, just give me two minutes and I'll be downstairs."

*

By the time I had waited by the front steps for Liam did my brother emerge from the house, whistling 'It's A Small World.' He gestured at me and we made our way to the park. The walk there was spent in silence, not a single word exchanged between us. It would've been awkward had it not been Liam swearing under his breath with his head ducked as he played some video game on his phone.

I had to keep my hand on his arm so he wouldn't step off the sidewalk and get run over by a car or something, much to my slight annoyance. Since he knew better than to follow me around, Liam waved me off as he sat on one of the park benches, muttering something about how he'd check on me in awhile at the hill once he was finished with his game. Nodding even though he wouldn't see me, I went straight for the hill, jogging up the hill till I reached the clearing.

I was near breathless by the time I had neared Michael, who was sitting on the grass and staring off into something. In that moment of the pure excitement of seeing him, I almost forgot what I had came here to do. "Hey." I said, touching his shoulder as I sat down beside him.

Michael glanced at me with a small smile but I could tell something was up. He was fidgeting with his bracelets, tugging them repeatedly; it was a gesture that told me he was feeling very anxious. Worried, I placed my hand over his and laced my pinky through his. "Mikey."

He bit his lip, averting his eyes from me. "Kaitlyn, before I begin, what do you think I was doing in that picture?"

I stared at him, in equal parts shocked that he somehow knew that I was going to ask him about the picture and that he basically confirmed he was there in it. I swallowed back, drawing away from him. "I never said anything about a picture."

"Calum told me that you asked him about it." He said tonelessly. "Don't look at me like that, I know you saw the picture. Fucking bitch Drew must've leaked that." He made an angry noise and exhaled loudly. "What do you think of me?"

I held my breath, unable to move. Frankly I wasn't surprised that Drew was the one who did that. Biting my lip, I raised my hand to touch him but realized that maybe he didn't want me in contact at him; he was willing himself not to cry - I could tell - because of the way he was avoiding looking at me and chewing the insides of his mouth furiously.

"You were ... doing shots and there's a line of coke on the table." I said on a single exhalation. "It looks like you were really drunk or high at a party with other people and --"

"And what do you think of me now?" Michael demanded, voice cracking. He raised his eyes to mine.

My heart squeezed painfully in my chest at that instant I saw the broken boy behind his gaze. "You're still my Michael." I whispered.

"The reason why I never wanted to tell you about what Perth was like and how I lived was because of that picture. I was fourteen then." He paused when he heard me gasp softly. "I told you about how antisocial I was when I first moved to Perth right? It wasn't really the whole story. Well, I met this ... this guy when I was thirteen and I was just so infatuated with him at that time, I just rolled with whatever he did. Anything he said, I'd do it for him. And since he was really popular he introduced me to his friends, who invited me to parties like these."

"I got over him after a couple of months after I turned fifteen but at that time puberty was starting to work on my looks so it wasn't a surprise for me when people started to notice me. And the worst thing was I liked their attention. I started to hang out with the wrong crowd, my grades started slipping and my parents were worried for me. I didn't do drugs or anything, just on the occasion when I needed the high so that I could sleep with some of the people at the parties I snuck into."

"I met Raphael too at one of those parties through a mutual friend and we hit off really well. I got caught one night for trespassing and vandalism by a police officer. I was with my friends too but they had all ran away. My parents found out about, obviously, but charges weren't pressed against me because that officer was my aunt and well, she decided to give me a chance - I don't even fucking know why - but I somehow wished she didn't. You could imagine how my family felt when they knew the sweet-loving boy they loved turned into such a rebellious monster. They sent me to therapy for some time."

"I was in such a bad state and I was just mad with everything. I wasn't cooperative for the first month of therapy and I hated going to the center. My parents sat me down one day when I refused to attend the sessions to have a talk. I thought they'd blow up on me for doing the stuff I did but they were disappointed and that was worse. Instead of giving me a lecture that I wouldn't listen they started talking about Sydney. And the first thing I thought was you. I mean out of all the people, you."

"I remembered how hard it was to leave back then and since I had pushed those memories far in the back of my mind so that I wouldn't think about you, I lost it. I yelled at them for reminding me of what I did to you and I stayed in my room all day. That night my father came into my room when I was in my room, tempted to cut again. He took the blade from me and I didn't even protest because I was too overset to do anything."

"He sat there as I thought about what I did and it was awful because I'd keep crying. Then after awhile, he asked me if I wanted to go back to Sydney. At first, I didn't want to. I couldn't face you, not while I was that sorry pathetic excuse of a human. He told me I could still make things work if I tried hard enough."

"The next few months at therapy wasn't an easy process. I'd keep wanting to go back to my old methods and there were a few times that I was tempted to commit myself to destructive acts. That was when Calum, Luke and Ashton came in. They kinda heard about it from my parents, I think, and they were just so supportive and they believed I could recover. At the best part was they didn't judge me. They visited a few times and decided to hang out with me like I didn't use to be a problematic kid. By the time October came last year did I finally feel like I've gotten better. And I guess you can piece together what happened next."

I stared at him, unable to respond to what he had just told me. I was feeling sick to my stomach yet at the same time I felt proud that he managed to pull through of that phase. But however much I wanted to say anything, I couldn't. Biting my lip, I pulled my gaze away from his, unaware that I was tearing up.

"Please say something." He pleaded softly. "Kai." His voice cracked.

He didn't understand that I was trying my best to get the words out of me but my lips just wouldn't form them. I shook my head. "I'm sorry."

His green eyes widened. I heard him suck in a breath and the sound of it made my nerves tingle with fear. I looked up at him hurriedly, meaning to explain myself why I had said that but it was too late.

Michael thought that I now saw him in a different light, a bad one. Before I could stop him, he snapped his mouth shut, avoiding looking at me and hurried away.

"No, wait!" I scrambled to my feet but at that moment I slipped on the slope, falling chest-first in the dirt. "Fuck!" I brushed the soil and dried leaves off my clothes and ran in the direction where he had left but I couldn't see him anymore. "But I don't care what you did, you're still my Mikey." I said under my breath even though he couldn't hear me, wherever he was.


	55. Chapter 55

"Can I come in?" I asked right away when the front door of the Cliffords house opened, revealing Daryl behind it. He stopped short, lips parting at my abruptness before he took in the sight of my flushed, wild-eyed appearance. I realized how rude I was and amended myself, "Sorry, I'm just worried about --"

"Michael?" His surprised expression softened into understanding when he caught my expression. "Ah, he looked pretty upset when he came home just now. He's in his room. Don't worry, I checked on him earlier and he hasn't done anything self-destructive yet." Daryl moved aside to let me in but I didn't move.

I was frozen for some reason. Did I really want to barge in on Michael and throw myself to him? I mean, he must be awfully confused and conflicted after telling me everything that he had been withholding from the whole time about himself and I wasn't sure if he would take my apology and explanation. I bit my lip, dropping my gaze to the ground. "Oh it's alright, I guess."

Daryl stood there uncertainly before he beckoned me inside. "Come along." He said gently. "Maybe you should sit. You look - uh, just come in." I could hear the awkwardness in his tone and wondered if this was how parents felt when they found themselves tangled up in the drama of their kids' relationships. If so, I felt embarrassed for putting him through this.

He made me sit in the living room while he went to get some tea for me, much to my protests. I perched at the couch, tugging the bracelet Michael had given me when we passed the first month of our relationship; it was a habit I had picked up from him and while it kept my mind busy, I didn't want to ruin his gift. Stopping myself, I bit my lip and leaned back against the couch in attempts to calm myself down.

The sound of a tray being set on the table across me brought me back to the present. I opened my eyes to find Daryl pouring two cups of tea, one for each of us. "Thank you." I said as I accepted the cup from him.

He nodded and allowed me a few moments to collect myself. My phone began to vibrate in my pocket. "Excuse me for a bit." I told Daryl before fishing my phone out. The screen was lighting up with texts from Liam demanding where I was. I replied to him that I was at Michael's house talking to Daryl only to receive a text that he'd be on his way to pick me up. I didn't reply, showing that I didn't care one way or another, and put my phone back in my pocket.

"I'm so sorry, Daryl, for causing Michael to be in that sort of mood he is right now." I said guiltily.

Daryl nodded and raised his eyebrows questioningly. "Did you two have a fight again?"

I winced inwardly at the word fight but shook my head, taking a sip of my tea. When I heard the cup rattle against the saucer I set my tea down, not trusting myself for the fear that I might spill it. "Not exactly. Michael told me about ... what he was like back in Perth and I may have said something that he misinterpreted."

He nodded once again like he understood and detachedly I wished he wouldn't because it was making me uncomfortable. "I'm assuming you're here to apologize?"

"Yes." I bit my lip, hesitating. "But the reason why I didn't come in right away was because I thought he wouldn't want to see me. I mean, I said the wrong thing and it upset him a lot so I figured he needed space."

"I see what you're doing there." Daryl cleared his throat and straightened in his seat before regarding me straight in the eye. "Y'know, I'm very much aware that Michael sneaks over to your place on weekend nights."

My heart skipped in alarm as I stared at him.

"And I'm also aware that the both of you have been becoming very very close to each other in such a short amount of time."

I swallowed nervously. "Um, do you think that's a bad thing?"

He sighed like he had heard this question before; I suspected that he and Michael probably had 'The Talk' recently and felt heat rush into my cheeks. "Well, I wouldn't say I approve or disapprove but seeing from the way the both of you started off the beginning of this year, I'm glad that the both of you are starting to make it up to each other after so long in a very unconventional way."

"Um yea." I mumbled in agreement, trying not to think too much of all the times Michael and I had fought and torn our hearts open before we actually made up and decided to date each other. That felt like a lifetime ago and it was starting to feel much less complicated than the situation I was in. Funny how that worked.

"I know my son and believe me when I say that while he needs time to think about things alone, he also needs someone to be there for him when he does."

That sounded very contradictory and I wasn't sure what to make of that.

"What he needs is someone to listen to him, something both Karen and I didn't do when he was going through a very destructive phase." His eyes flickered with regret as he looked at his clasped hands on his lap. "And someone to tell him that he'll be okay. It was hard for him when we moved to Perth as he had spent a majority of his childhood having four best friends that were the closest to him: Calum, Luke, Ashton and you."

I bit my lip, only realizing the reason why he used to get jealous when I talked about someone else. "Oh." I couldn't give an other response than that.

Daryl exhaled. "Fitting in was hard for him for some reason and it would often upset Michael when he couldn't make any friends as easily as he did when he used to live here. But I guess a part of him thought that he'd be able to find people exactly like you guys but then when he realized he couldn't he closed off like a door. In a way, you could say that he really prefers familiarity. But anyway, you're here to see him right?"

I hesitated. "I'm not sure if he wants to see me." I mumbled, feeling my chest ache at my own words. "He's probably pissed at me."

"Michael could never be pissed at you." Daryl said with a surprising tone of gentleness and genuine understanding that I shot up to stare at him in shock. "He only gets angry at himself when he doesn't get things right and I think he's feeling that right now. So you go up to his room and reassure him."

I sucked in a shaky breath. "You think so?"

"I know so."

A small rush of relief flooded through me, easing me out of the tension I had been holding earlier. Nodding, I stood up. "Thank you so much for talking to me about this, Daryl."

Daryl smiled at me and nodded as I steeled myself to head to Michael's room. At the top landing of the stairs, I stared straight at door, the only barrier between my boyfriend and I besides air, which didn't offer much resistance. I drew a shaky breath and rested my hand on the doorknob. It was cold to the touch against my warm skin. Pushing back all negative thoughts, I turned it and entered.

I wasn't surprised to find Michael lying on his side on his bed with his back facing me. "I don't feel like talking, Dad." He said wearily, as if Daryl had checked on him a couple of times and he was tired of it.

I shut the door softly behind me and approached the bed. Michael didn't move, not until I climbed into bed with him and wrapped my arms around him from behind. He started, tensing before whipping his face to stare at me. Blood rushed to his pale, tear-stained cheeks as he tried to process the fact that I was burying my face in between his shoulder blades.

"Kaitlyn, what are you doing here?" He sounded both shocked and wary.

"Being here for you." I said, lifting my face away from his back. He shifted so I could put my other arm around which was awkwardly bent against me and and his body. I heard him suck a breath as I traced patterns over his abdomen, something he once told me he liked when he was staying at my place one night.

"I thought you hated me." Michael admitted in a tiny voice, allowing his eyes flutter closed as I continued what I was doing to him. "Because I used to be so --"

"I don't care." I cut him off, shifting upward a little so I could attach my lips to the skin just right below the back his earlobe. He sucked in a breath before letting out a soft sound, his hand moving to cover mine on his abdomen. "You're still the same Michael to me."

"You think so?" I could tell he was fighting back a moan from how low and breathless he sounded. "Fuck, Kai, if you keep this up, I'll --" He let out a groan when I nibbled him teasingly. 

"You'll what?" I asked innocently, smirking into him. "I know that you had a difficult time in the past but that isn't the thing that defines you. The most important thing is that you pulled through and got better. I mean, look at you now, Mikey."

"But I couldn't work up the nerve to tell you about myself sooner."

"Better late than never." I whispered. "Anyway, let's not think about that right now." I held him closer to me, earning a soft noise of protest from him before he softened against me. Tracing one last pattern, I slipped my hand downwards under the hem of his shirt experimentally.

Michael melted under my touch, releasing another pleasured breath. "Kai, you know what I said about you being the big spoon." He barely managed to keep his voice even as my fingers brushed his warm skin.

I smirked, pecking his jawline. "And you know what happens when I'm the big spoon, Mikey." His lips curled into a smile as he turned his face to press his mouth to mine. I felt him strain to turn to face me but I pinned him down, putting my leg over his to put him in place.

Michael let out what sounded like a moan and a chuckle as I bit his lower lip playfully. "You're such a tease, sweet."


	56. Chapter 56

The day the second month of our relationship was celebrated was the day I realized that maybe I shouldn't have made fun of Michael for watching eyeliner tutorials for the past week.

After getting ready for our date, I went downstairs to find Adam speaking to Michael in the living room. At first, the sight of the two distracted me from properly looking at Michael's appearance. I cleared my throat.

Only when did Michael turn to look at me did my jaw drop in utter shock.

A cocky smirk played across Michael's lips as he leaned back against the couch as Adam regarded me with some form of confusion. "You okay, sis?" My brother asked, baffled.

Michael wiggled his eyebrows in a manner that made heat rush into my cheeks. He must've practiced a lot because his eyeliner skills were much better than mine, which was saying much. He wore Sum 41 t-shirt that sported a few holes under a leather jacket that was paired with a pair of ripped skinny jeans and his boots. His fringe had blue streaks. If anything, he seemed very satisfied with my reaction.

"You look good today." He complimented, eyeing me up and down, much to Adam's disapproving gaze. I felt conscious of my clothes now, consisting of a tie-dyed t-shirt and jeans. I was going for an indie girl look but if I stood next to Michael, I had a feeling I'd look so out of place.

"Thanks. You too - I mean, you look fucking hot I just --" I snapped my mouth shut, realizing what I had blurted out in embarrassment. Michael threw his head back and laughed before rising from the couch.

"Don't worry. sweet. You're fucking hot too." He winked, pressing a chaste kiss to my cheek.

"Somebody get me a bucket." Jacob said as he walked in between us. "Adam, you want a bucket too?"

Both Michael and I glared at him as Adam shooed us out of the house. "You two better behave yourselves. If anything funny happens -" he narrowed his amber eyes balefully at Michael, who shied away, "- you can kiss your balls goodbye."

"What about her?" Michael asked, standing behind me. "She doesn't get any brotherly threats?" I flashed him an incredulous look when Adam sighed.

"Just ... behave yourself too. And take care." My brother said.

*

"I've never been to an amusement park for a date." I said, peering out the window of the train Michael and I were riding to get to the city from where we lived in the suburbs. He was sitting beside me, hand over mine rubbing slow circles on it. 

"You have. Last time." Michael snorted as I sat back against the seat, turning to look at him. It was hard not to drool while I was regarding him and I had to focus extra hard on what he was saying so I wouldn't get distracted by his appearance. His green gaze flickered over to mine.

I rolled my eyes. "When?"

"On my seventh birthday." He said with a serious face.

I couldn't help but laugh at him. "We were only kids back then, Mikey. And it wasn't even a 'date' - I mean come on, you invited other kids too."

"Yea ... well I didn't really like them even though they were from my class." He added thoughtfully. "I think one of them got chickenpox and it spread to me."

I shrugged and returned my attention back to the window where the landscape was zipping by. We lapsed into silence; it wasn't the type of quiet that was awkward but the sort wherein we just appreciate being with each other. I felt Michael rest his head on my shoulder and a smile curling my lips upwards as he lifted our intertwined hands and pressed a kiss on mine.

It wasn't long till we reached our stop. Hopping off the train, we made our way out of the station and had lunch at a nearby cafe. All I could say about our meal was that Michael had an appetite.

After that, we walked our way to the amusement park. The atmosphere of the place was lively and cheery, the sounds of music and laughter filling the air. Michael's hand squeezed mine, making me look up at my boyfriend.

"So, uh, let's go buy the tickets and then we decide which rides to go?" He asked, glancing around. I nodded in agreement and we went to purchase our entrance passes. Putting the wrist tag on my hand for me, Michael placed his on while I perused the map of the amusement park. There were a lot of stuff to try out and Michel wanted to try the roller coaster out.

I gave him an amused frown and elbowed him. "We just had lunch. Do you want to lose it right now?."

"Oh come on, don't be a wet blanket." He laughed insouciantly with a playful gleam in his eyes. "It's not that bad. I mean I've tried it with Cal, Ash and Luke last month when we had a boy's day out." He waved his hand dismissively.

"Was that before or after you had lunch?" I questioned, thwacking him upside the head with the map.

"Those details aren't important." He stuck his tongue out at me. "C'mon. Its my turn to choose what we get to do for our monthsary."

*

Fortunately, Michael didn't make us ride the roller coaster right away. We decided to go for the tamer attractions. After riding the carousel where Michael fulfilled his dream of riding a unicorn, we went straight for the maze of mirrors. There was already a line and while we were queuing up, my boyfriend was speaking animatedly about unicorns.

I watched as Michael went on about his imaginations of braiding a unicorn's mane when I noticed a couple of girls staring at us - or rather, him. They looked about our age, were seriously hot and they were giggling amongst themselves. For a moment, I felt my chest tighten. Michael realized I was zoning out when a mischievous smile played on his lips.

He inched closer to me as our turn to enter the mirror maze came. "C'mon." Michael said gently and led me inside.

Momentarily I was disoriented by the number of reflections of us. I stopped short when he whistled in admiration. "Look at all these mirrors." He did some funny poses in front of them in attempts to make me laugh, which was successful.

"Yea." I put my hand on his arm, wondering if there was an employee overseeing us; they were probably entertained by my goofy boyfriend. "Um, let's try this way." I started forward with Michael behind me, weaving around the mirrors when I finally thought I managed my way around.

Somewhere along the way, I let go of Michael. Big mistake.

"Kaitlyn, wait." I heard Michael say from behind me. He sounded frantic, for some reason.

Suspecting that he was onto something, I sighed and swiveled on my heel with a frown. "What is it --" I froze, realizing I was alone. My heart slammed against my ribcage as a mini panic attack came. "Mikey?"

"Kai, where the fuck did you go?" His voice rose worriedly, echoing around the walls and mirrors that had separated the both of us. "Oh my fucking - Kaitlyn, I can't find you!" The crack in his tone when he called out to me had my anxiety levels spiking as I hurried to find him, occasionally bumping into my own reflections and getting false starts.

"Shit, how the fuck did we get lost? Mikey?" I swiveled in a circle. "Holy lord, I don't - Fuck, where are you??" I was in the middle of the maze, yet I couldn't locate where he was from where his voice was coming at, much less spot him past the many reflections of me. I jumped when I saw something move behind me and whipped around, only to find that it was just me. My chest tightened as I neared the mirror.

I noticed how pale-faced with worry I was. I could only wonder how my boyfriend was holding up. "Just stay put, Mikey. I'll find --" I glanced around in attempts to guess which direction Michael could be in.

"There you are!" A huge gasp of relief escaped my lips as I turned to find Michael turning round the mirrored corners. He was flushed, wild-haired and sweating. "Goddammit, I was so sure --" He was cut off abruptly when he ran into a mirror.

Giggles of laughter erupted from me as I jogged up to Michael, who was glaring balefully at the mirror. "Sweet mother, we should stick together." I chortled, dusting him off.

"Yea, I should probably buy one of those child wrist-leash thingys." He pulled me into a hug, nuzzling his face into my cheek. The gesture made my heart flutter with warmth. "C'mon, let's get out of here." He said. 

We found our way out after and as Michael wanted to take a bathroom break, I decided to wait for him at a cotton candy stand. There was almost nothing to do besides watch people so I checked my phone. While scrolling through my social media feed did I receive a text from my father. Frowning, I clicked on the notification and read the text.

Where are you now?

I replied to him that I was out with Michael. Almost immediately a new text from him came in.

We need to talk later at home.

My heart leapt as worry pulsed through me. I tried to recall if I had done anything wrong because I didn't want to get into trouble a few days after I was let off the 'grounded' sentence. Frowning, I chewed on my lip, staring at the screen as the words blurred together.

"I'm back!" My attention snapped towards Michael who was jogging over. My lips quirked upwards in amusement when my eyes traveled to downwards.

"You have toilet paper stuck to your show." I pointed at his shoes. He swore under his breath, flushing in embarrassment and removed it. Clearing his throat, he regarded me.

"So, do you want cotton candy? It's on me." He moved past me. We decided to share one together as it was huge. Michael got us the classic pink one and we were nibbling bits of it. The day went by like a blur as we had fun trying out the different rides and attractions.

After some debating, Michael eventually agreed that we'd save the ferris wheel ride for last instead of the roller coaster. I had honestly thought he wouldn't freak out on the ride but when we reached the peak, his hand squeezed mine really hard before a scream tore out of his mouth when the roller coaster train went down. After the ride, I had to give him some time to reorient himself.

"Seriously, Mikey?" I grinned, elbowing him as we waited in line for the ferris wheel. He still looked a little green from the ride and had a hand on his head.

"Not a word. I should not have eaten those corn-dogs." He mumbled, clearly embarrassed and earned a laugh from me. Enclosing my hand with his, he pulled me against him and rested his head on my shoulder, shutting his eyes. "Wake me up when we're about to go on the ride."

"Sure."

*

"What if I do enough with body movements so that the whole thing falls off?" Michael asked the aloud as we climbed into the carriage. The initial motion sickness caused by the rolled coaster earlier had worn off once it was our turn so he was back to his energetic self.

I took a seat across him and toed his foot. "Don't jinx it, Mikey." I chided as he peered out the window, excitement written all over his face. "What if that really happens?" I asked.

His eyes flitted to mine before he got up and sat beside me, putting his arm my waist. "It's okay. I'm secretly a superhero who has weird ass powers so I'll save you." He winked, earning a blush from me. Chuckling, he rubbed his thumb on my bare arm. "It won't happen, babe. I want to enjoy this romantic ride with you." Michael wiggled his eyebrows. 

I laughed, resting my head on his shoulder and placing my hand on his thigh as the last carriage was boarded by a family of four below us. The ferris wheel began to move higher and higher. It would've been nice if it was sunset but the view as our carriage ascended was good enough; we were overlooking the harbor and there was a bridge to our left.

Wind had picked up, blowing involuntary shivers down my spine. I wished I had though of bringing a jacket. Michael noticed and shrugged off his jacket. He passed it to me, making me wear it before settling back to his comfortable position with his arm slung around me. "This is nice, y'know?"

"It is." I agreed, turning to look at him. He was looking at me with a doe-eyed gaze and a smile playing on his lips. "I really enjoyed every moment of our date."

"Yea?" He chuckled, pushing back the hair that was getting into his face from the wind. "Me too. But you know where we should go next?"

"Where?"

"The Sydney Aquarium." He snorted.

"Well, it's educational and fun. We might find Nemo. What? I'm being serious here." I bit my lip to stop a huge grin from taking over my face.

"I know. I know." He smirked. "I mean, it's all about the ambience. And the blue aesthetic too."

"You're such a goof." I pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose.

"I'm your goof." He corrected, tucking away a stray strand of hair from my face. He stared at me for a few moments with his lips parted slightly. "God, I'm --" he broke off, flushing red.

"What?" I said worriedly, frowning.

He bit his lip, averting his gaze. He appeared hesitant. With a sigh, I placed a hand under his chin and kissed him.

His mouth was hard on mine from surprise but softened, returning my kiss. I cupped his face with my hands. A sigh escaped from me when his hands went around me and pulled me onto his lap, making me straddle him. The sudden movement earned a startled noise from me but as soon as he detached his lips from mine and pressed them to the sensitive skin on my neck it turned into a moan.

My hands went to his hair; it was soft to touch. I tugged his hair gently and in return, he nibbled harder. The sensation of him against me created a strong desire for him to touch me swirling on the pit of my stomach. "Fuck, Mikey." I shifted on his lap, drawing away with a shaky laugh. "We're in public."

Michael's gaze darkened. "Ah, well. We'd better keep it PG then." He joked, leaning back against the seat.

I smiled, noticing how pink his lips were from kissing me that hard and traced my fingers over them. "I'm so in love with you." I whispered.

His eyes widened as his mouth parted. We stared at each other - I was hoping he'd say something back while he was struck speechless. When he didn't say anything, I felt my heart constrict. Maybe I had said that too early. Biting back the twinge of pain, I began to move but he held me in place.

"Kaitlyn, I --" He broke off, inhaling. A soft laugh escaped from his chest. "You make me feel so happy. And hearing you say that to me ... I - Wow."

"Wow?" I smirked, ruffling his hair. "Are you gonna leave me hanging?"

"If you can't hang, there's the door." He gestured.

"Don't quote Sleeping With Sirens to me." I warned but I was laughing. "And we're still suspended mid-air in this metal box so I don't think I can leave."

Michael grinned, leaning closer to me. "You're all I could ever ask for, Kaitlyn. You're my everything."


	57. Chapter 57

"Hey, um, did Dad send you a message saying 'We need to talk later at home'?" I asked Liam when he came to pick me up from the train station.

My brother frowned from the steering wheel, glancing at me momentarily before returning his attention back to the road. With a nonchalant noise, he shrugged and lowered the volume of the stereo which was playing a band my brother got hooked on called SHVPES. "Well, yea I did. Just now when I was out with my friends. What about it?"

"What do you think he wants to talk about?" I turned to face him.

A small smile played on his lips. "The Talk." He said, placing special emphasis on his words. Earning an unamused look from me, he sighed and scowled. "Okay, fine. I'll admit it: I make the worst kind of jokes in the family. I honestly don't know, Kat."

"I hope it wasn't because of that sponge cake incident last week." I shuddered at the memory of it.

"Mom and Dad must never find out about that." Liam agreed. "If they did, we're in huge trouble." Shaking his head, he turned a corner and not long after, we reached the driveway of our house. Hopping out of the car, I picked my backpack up and made my way to the door with my brother trailing after me.

Inside, I could hear the sounds of the television flowing down the hallway, drowning out the soft conversation. I frowned, looking at Liam in question but he was walking past me to greet my parents in the living room. With a shrug, I followed him and did the same. I was tempted to ask my parents what my father wanted to talk to all of us about but they were deep in discussion so I left them be.

As curiosity was starting to get the best of me, I went upstairs instead of pestering my brothers.

*

One could feel the unasked questions floating about the dinner table.

Chasing peas around the plate with my fork, I was beginning to wonder what the suspense was all about when my father cleared his throat.

"So, I have something important to tell you kids." My father looked at each and every one of us carefully before he and my mother exchanged glances. For some reason, this made me uneasy and suspect that something shocking would be announced. I wondered if they were about to break it to us that there would be a new Redford on the way.

"Your father has gotten a work promotion." My mother said.

Jacob was first to clap his hands. "Dad, that's fucking awesome!"

"Language." My mother chided while Adam kicked Jacob under the table at the same time. Shaking her head, she pursed her lips and apparently she was giving me a strange look.

Sensing something was amiss, my questions got the best of me and escaped past my lips. "And?" I asked.

My father drew a breath. "There's no other way to say this but we'll be moving to the States next month." 

As soon as his sentence finished, I felt myself go lightheaded. I stared at him and his next words sounded as though they were spoken underwater. My throat closed up and suddenly I found myself getting up from the table and walking away. Each step I took felt like the ground was parting away from me as I stumbled away from the kitchen.

The time I was certain the whole world stopped spinning was when I locked myself in my room and slid down to the ground with my back against the door. I was vaguely aware that there was the coppery taste of blood in my mouth from biting my lip too hard. My father's words echoed in my head, repeating and repeating until they sounded unfamiliar.

I pulled my knees up to my body, rocking back and forth. It was only then did I feel like I've done this before, only the last time I did this Michael was on my bed smirking down and me and quoting BMTH. It happened a lifetime ago.

I thought about the way his green eyes lit up, the way his lips curved, the smugness in his tone and, well, generally everything about Michael. Then I thought about how I might never get the chance to see him face-to-face when we moved away and the ache in my chest intensified, making me struggle to breathe right.

I didn't want to leave Michael!

But most of all I couldn't bear the thought of him dealing with my absence. He had some pretty self-destructive habits back then and I didn't want him to revert back to them. 

"Kaitlyn?" I heard my father's voice past the door. A wave of anger rose all of a sudden, making me want to snarl at him for accepting that job promotion. But a small part of me held that back and I found myself standing up from my curled sitting position and facing the door.

"Yes, Dad?" I said in a surprisingly flat voice.

The door opened and my father peered round it. He took in the sight of my tear-stained cheeks and bitten lips and then sighed ruefully before entering. I backed away and sat down on the edge of my bed while my father sank down beside me. I couldn't think of anything else to say other than harsh and selfish words so I kept silent.

My father placed his hand on my shoulder. "Kaitlyn, I understand that this will be hard for you."

"That doesn't even begin to sum up." I said coldly, averting my eyes from his concerned gaze.

"But think of all the opportunities and new things you could experience." He reasoned.

I stared at my feet. "Which part of the States are we moving to?" I asked.

"New York. In Manhattan, to be precise." He said as if that was a good thing. And perhaps if Michael didn't come into the picture, I would've been thrilled. But all I could feel was icy fist tightening over my heart. 

I swallowed, wiping my face with the back of my hand. "Ok." I replied.

He opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it. "I love you, Kaitlyn." He hugged me. And the most selfish thing was I didn't say it back to my father.

*

I was lying on my back, staring at my ceiling with bleary eyes. Over the past hour, my mother had came into my room and tried to reason with me that I should try to at least look forward to moving away and that it wouldn't be the end of things with my friends here. She had said we could still keep in contact by using real-time video calls but inwardly I was yelling that that couldn't compare with being with them physically. 

Some form of desperation had overtaken me, causing me to ask her whether I could stay with someone - any of my relatives - and she basically told me that I should be open to new experiences hence I should be looking forward to leaving Australia. At that point, my mother saw my expression and then knew - from a strange maternal instinct - that I was thinking about Michael. Eventually, she left my room without saying anything else to convince me, leaving me feeling numb all over.

I was now clutching my phone to my chest, aching to call Michael and hear his voice. However I was certain he'd notice something was wrong if I talked so I decided against it.

Ten minutes ticked by but it felt like hours when the temptation became too strong for me to resist. Without thinking, my fingers tapped on my phone screen, unlocking it and then dialing his number. Holding it to my ear, I listened to the tones before Michael picked up.

"Hey, Kai." His cheery and upbeat voice was at odds with what I was currently feelings but it did make the pain ebb away a little. "What's up?"

I drew a shaky breath, my fingers gripping my sheets hard enough to create little rips. "Just checking in." I managed in what I hoped didn't give me away entirely. In the background, I could hear noises of video games mingling with music and chatters. He was probably having Ashton, Calum and Luke over.

He chuckled in response and I heard the sounds fade away as if he had walked away from the room he was in. "Missed me that much already?"

If only you had an inkling of what my parents had told me. I replied silently.

"You could say that." I said instead, turning to my side. "Having a guys' video game marathon?"

"Yep. Actually Ash wanted us to watch The Hobbit but then Calum figured it would be much better if we played XBox instead. Anyway, the debate went a little messy but we're all good now." He paused. "So, what are you up to?"

I hesitated then the pang of guilt stabbed me. "Just watching old MCR videos."

Michael snorted. "No wonder you sound emotional." My gut constricted at the fear that he might realize that I was lying. A moment passed before he continued, giving no indication that he sensed my lie. "Okay that was Calum yelling at me to get my ass back in the game."

"Oh, ok." I mumbled. "Sorry to keep you from the game." I added. "I love you, Mikey."

"I love you too, Kaitlyn." He replied and then hung up.

I was left to listen to the ugly buzzing on my phone so I left it on the nightstand and tried to get some sleep.

It was sad when I could find no solace in my dreams.


	58. Chapter 58

"Seriously??" Wendy goggled at me when I told her about the news as we walked to school together the next morning. "Wow, that's pretty far! USA, huh?"

I nodded, trying to ignore the twisting sensatiom in my gut that had been occurring since the night before when I hung up on Michael. My eyes still felt dry from crying and I felt really tired from spending nearly the whole night staring, bleary-eyed, at my ceiling. Sighing, I tugged Michael's leather bracelet on my wrist absentmindedly; it was a habit I had picked up from him and while I knew that I might somehow break the bracelet, pulling it took my mind off things.

"I don't know how I'll deal with it. Everything's gonna be so different." I said, shouldering my backpack.

"Obviously." She snorted. "But think about it - there will be so many new things to see and do."

"You seem very enthusiastic about me leaving." I muttered under my breath, thinking she wouldn't hear me.

Wendy swiveled to frown at me, shaking her head with a sad sort of expression. "Kaitlyn." Her tone was almost chiding. "I'm really not. I'm just happy for you. I mean look at you. You get to move out of this place and --"

"Experience new things. Yea, I know." I sighed, getting weary of the phrase. Fishing my phone out from my pocket, I clutched it tightly for an indecisive moment before putting it back inside. I was well aware that time was starting to tick away yet I hadn't figured out a way to tell Michael about it. The only things I could predict was either getting him upset by telling him the news or watching him as he withdrew from me.

The rest of the walk to school with Wendy was spent in silence, mostly with me deep in contemplation while she snuck glances of concern at me. When we reached the main entrance, I hadn't even noticed that she had excused herself to speak with someone from her extracurricular club. The whole time I felt numb all over, dreading the moment I'd have to tell Michael about the news.

The universe was perhaps feeling cruel, or kind - depending on how you looked at it - when I caught the sight of Michael waiting patiently by my locker with a slight smile on his face. Normally my heart would leap at the sight of him but now it could only clench painfully to the size of an orange. Fear clamped itself on my legs, holding me stock-still on the spot. He hadn't noticed me yet but he would soon.

I wasn't a coward but the image of a heartbroken Michael flashed behind my eyes and made me turn away quickly from him. It was a useless sort of attempt to get away from him as I'd be seeing him in homeroom. Suffice to say, I sought refuge in the nurse's room under the facade that I had particularly bad menstrual cramps.

*

The lessons leading right up to lunch period were agonizing and I didn't absorb any knowledge. It was in Geography class when I had mentally thrown out yet another speech I had come up with to tell Michael about last night. In a restless state of anxiety, my pencil scratched away listlessly on an empty sheet of paper on my desk as my mind blurred with random ways to start the small talk before hurling the news at my boyfriend.

The teacher had to call my names about three times before someone who sat behind me kicked my chair hard enough to jolt me out of my reverie. Due to the lack of my attention on the class, the teacher issued a warning that I'd better start listening to the lessons unless I wanted to fail. I was relieved when the class was finally dismissed but then at the same time fear leapt at me again and I fled to the library instead of the cafeteria.

I tried to lose myself to books and music playing in my earphones but the guilt weighing on my conscience for dragging time out caused me to drift off about every half minute. Giving up, I set the novel I had been reading down on the table and sighed, rubbing my temples.

"Kaitlyn?"

I started, looking hurriedly to see who it was who called me and saw none other than Perry regarding me with concerned hazel eyes. My throat closed up as I stared at him with a mix of expressions.

"You okay?" He asked, taking a step closer. He was clutching a couple of textbooks in his head - presumably to do some research.

"Yea." I managed but I was shaking my head.

His worried expression softened, making my chest ache with familiarity. He set his books on the table before taking a chair and sitting beside me. I was tense the whole time, watching him, but the moment he looked at me I lost it.

"I feel awful." I admitted as my eyes began to sting.

Perry paused a moment before placing his hand on my shoulder. "Whatever you want to say, it's safe with me." He said gently. The way he looked at me, the amount of concern he had in his eyes, made something crack in me. Without warning, I felt tears threatening to spill.

"I'm moving to the States next month and I haven't figured out how to tell Michael about it. I'm just so scared about how he'd react because I'm leaving. And what makes it so horrible is that we've finally patched things up after so long. It's so fucking unfair because I'm happy where I am at this point in my life and my dad got that stupid work promotion. It reminds me too much of how Michael left when we were little and I don't want him to go through what I did! I just - I hate it!" My voice rose but shook in an effort to keep the volume to minimum for the fear of being kicked out of the library. "It's only been a day since my dad told me about it but it feels like months. I love Michael but I could bear to see how he'd handle the news."

Perry's hazel eyes wore a sad, rueful gaze. "It's always the hardest being the one who stays behind, isn't it?" He said, sounding raw.

I nodded. "I love Michael so much and the thought of him --" I shook my head. "I'm scared to see his reaction to what I'm about to tell him."

"I know it's daunting and all but you should probably tell him." He said levelly. "It's best if you do now so you won't have any regrets later."

"I know." I responded miserably.

"Don't let fear rule over you. You've gotta do what's right, even if it seems impossible."

I drew a breath, taking a minute to consider his words carefully. At that moment, I was grateful that Perry happened to be in the library at the same time I was to talk to me about this. I didn't necessarily feel better but it gave me the courage. Glancing up at him from my hands, I gave him a small smile. "Thank you, Perry."

"Anything to help you --" he broke off in surprise when I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug. He made a startled noise of protest before he relented.

"I'm sorry, Perry. For hurting you before without meaning to." I whispered.

His hands shook on my back but his voice was steady. "I'm sorry too."

*

Time was not on my side for the rest of the day, trickling by at the speed slower than that of a snail traveling in slow motion. By the time Calculus, the last lesson of the day, ended, I swept up all my belongings unceremoniously into my bag and hurried out of the class. The hallways was beginning to clog up with the flow of students exiting the rooms, the cacophony of voices all speaking at once flooding without warning.

Jostled around by the crowd, I tried to search for Michael but then realized my efforts were futile. With a sigh, I waited outside, watching as students pass by me. Once or twice did my heart skip when I thought I saw my boyfriend, only to notice that it was always the wrong person. My hand tightened around the shoulder strap of my backpack as minutes ticked by. 

"Michael!" I called out when I finally caught the glimpse of him at the steps of the main entrance. He flashed me a smile before waving goodbye at his best friends and jogged over to where I was. Before I could say anything, I was enveloped into a hug and a kiss to be pressed on my temple.

"Where have you been?" He asked, somewhat worriedly with wide green eyes as he drew back from me. "Haven't seen you all day."

The catch in his voice made my chest constrict painfully with guilt. Heat rushed to my cheeks as I averted my gaze from his, suddenly unable to speak. "I ... um ... We need to talk." I said.

He blanched visibly with alarm. "What happened?" He questioned lowly.

I bit my lip, shaking my head and gesturing at our surroundings. "Can we talk about it on the way home? It's really noisy here."

Michael swallowed, the look of worry still etched on his features, but managed an "Ok."

*

We had only made a block away from school when Michael spoke again. "So what did you want to talk about?" He asked anxiously.

My heart began to pound painfully against my ribcage, so loudly that I was certain my boyfriend could've heard it. Once again, words were blocked off and I found myself struggling to tell him. It was already hard enough to explain but the way he looked at me worsened the whole thing. There was no other way I could sugarcoat the news so I said with a dead sort of voice, "I'm moving."

I looked up at him and it was like all the blood had drained from his face, even his lips which were always pink paled. Against my volition, the backs of my eyes began to sting once more and I was sure the looks on both our faces were devastating.

We had stopped walking, now staring at each other with a mute sort of horror, disbelief and shock rolled up into one nasty burrito that left us struggling to find something appropriate to say in this situation.

"What?" The sound of his voice sounded like that of a dying man's. "Where -- No! That - Kai, you're not joking, are you??" He demanded, voice rising with desperation.

I started at the volume but shook my head, covering my mouth with my hand. "Dad told me. Last night."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to ruin it!" I snapped. "We had such a good day and I didn't want to spoil the rest of it by having you spend the rest of the night sleepless."

"Well --" He stopped himself from yelling, squeezing his eyes shut as the angry flush on his face faded. "Oh, Kai."

I couldn't bear it any longer; while I was biting my lip hard enough to draw blood in an effort not to cry, clearly my action didn't work as warm moist streaks slid down my cheeks. My vision misted with tears and then it was a blur. I found myself in Michael's arms, face buried in his chest as sobs escaped from me, muffled apologies.

He was shaking very hard and so was I, but he didn't say anything, instead held me tighter until it hurt to be crushed in his arms. I barely realized the moist spots on my shoulder where Michael had placed his face on and cried there.

*

We were in my room later, lying on my bed. Michael decided that he was too overwhelmed to return home after all that and offered to stay with me.

While kisses didn't make anything feel better yet, cuddling was much more therapeutic. It was nice, being so close to his body that the warmth, safety and comfort of his arms around me dulled the ache of everything that has happened for the past 24 hours, even if my muscles were starting to cramp up from staying in the same position for awhile.

His pulse under his chest was slow and steady, making me wonder if he had fallen asleep at some point in the past hour. Not wanting to wake him if he was, I sat up a little only to find him staring at the ceiling with unseeing eyes. I bit my lip, inching up a bit and placed a small kiss on the corner of his mouth. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He sighed, glancing at me before running his fingers through my hair. "Not yet, no." He replied, in the tone of a man defeated. He knew that I had already tried to reason with my parents, to no avail, and decided it was best if we just cuddled in silence.

I pushed away the strands of his hair from his face; they weren't blond, still sporting the dark shade of raven black that he had dyed some time ago. It was like the color of his hair now matched our mood. His hand closed around my wrist and gently pushed it so that my palm was on his face. I looked at him.

"Kai, I don't want you to go." Michael said quietly.

"I love you, Mikey." I responded sadly, brushing a thumb over his cheek.

His breath caught. "I love you, Kai."

Not knowing what else to do, I settled back on my spot on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. It was the only thing that was comforting, besides his warmth and his embrace.

"So how long have we got till you leave for New York?" He asked in the same subdued voice.

"A month."

His hand tightened over mine that rested above where his heart was. His heart rate was quickening under my touch. But before I could ask, he let go of my hand and held me tighter.


	59. Chapter 59

People always say that telling the truth would set you free from the guilt of holding back and prevent the temptation of speaking lies. For me, the truth didn't give me freedom; it gave me misery.

For a couple of nights I had spent them staring sleeplessly at the ceiling, thinking about how different things would have been if my father hadn't gotten that work promotion or if my mother had allowed me to stay with someone. It ate me up from inside till out.

"Kai, you look exhausted." Michael commented softly when I glanced up at him briefly from my homework across the table. "Have you been sleeping properly?"

I sighed, shaking my head in the slightest before stifling a yawn. We were spending time in the library during our free period and the quiet atmosphere was tempting my heavy eyelids to droop lower. Stretching my arms over my head, I said, "Have you been sleeping properly?"

His lips thinned into a white line as he set his Physics textbook down. Like me, there were dark shadows under his eyes and he looked even paler than he had been last week. He curled and uncurled his fists with a pensive expression on his features. "I just wish things were different." He muttered ruefully.

"I know." I responded, resting my head on the table as I stared at him. There were so many things I wanted to talk to him about, to discuss how our relationship could continue in the future but despite time ticking away, Michael often closed up or changed the topic when I tried to bring it up. It had taken about seven attempts over the course of three days before I gave up completely.

Time.

We had about twenty-seven days, approximately three weeks left till I had to leave. Back at home, my parents were already telling me to get ready and to arrange my stuff into two groups: the things I wanted to bring and the things I'd be leaving behind. Somehow I wished I could bring Michael along and I did suggest it to him earlier as a joke; he then said I might as well stuff him in my suitcase and we had a laugh about that.

"Kaitlyn?" 

I was brought out of my reverie when he spoke. "Yea?"

"I was thinking we could make a list of things we should do before we --" He broke off, green gaze turning darker with a sad look. "-- before you go. So, y'know, we have the best of memories before we go our own ways."

The phrasing of his sentence sounded fishy to me. Straightening up in my seat, I frowned at him and tried to read his expression. "What do you mean 'go our own ways?'" I asked carefully, feeling a knot tightening in my chest.

He regarded me steadily. "I think it's best if we discuss this outside." He said, casting a look in the direction of the librarian who was already glaring at the both of us for talking a tad too loudly.

With a nod, I began to gather my belongings and placed them into my bag. Zipping it up, I stood up and followed my boyfriend out of the library to the hallway. It was eerie how deserted the place could get when classes were in session. You could practically hear our footsteps echoing around the walls. We stopped just by the lockers between an empty classroom and the music room.

I turned to face him at once with worry percolating in the pit of my stomach. "So what were you trying to say?"

Michael drew a breath, closing his eyes like he was steeling himself for the next words. "I think we should break up."

At first my mind couldn't process his words, confused, when it occurred to me. I felt my pulse weaken momentarily. "What?" I gasped, staring at him with utter disbelief.

He winced as if he wasn't enthusiastic on repeating himself. "Kaitlyn, you're leaving for New York. That's like a thousand miles away from Sydney." He said slowly. "Look, babe, please don't get mad - I don't want us to fight."

A choked noise escaped my throat as I backed a step, the lightheaded sensation intensifying. "I-I --"

"Long-distance relationships don't work."

"We could try." I pleaded, shaking my head as a desperate hitch overtook my tone. "Don't give me that look, Mikey. I-I don't want to break up with you. I can't bear it --"

"And neither can I." He cut me off abruptly. He opened his mouth as if to say something but exhaled loudly, avoiding my eyes. "It's for the best."

"At the expense of my feelings?" I demanded and I felt my backs of my eyes begin to sting.

"My feelings are involved in this too!" His voice rose, shaking. "God, Kaitlyn, if only you'd listen to me."

"I am listening." I snapped.

"Then why do you keep interrupting me?" He shot back, face flushing angrily. "Just let me explain why." He said, taking my wrist pleadingly.

I shook my head, glaring at him with a mix of frustration, bewilderment and betrayal. Drawing my hand away from him, I said rather coldly, "No, you don't have to. I've heard enough from you today. Just - leave me alone!" I shouted when he took a step forward to close the distance between us.

Hurt flashed across his features as he gasped at my response. We stared at each for a few moments that were filled with tension. My chest rose and fell with the shallow breaths that escaped me. When I was certain that he wasn't planning to follow me, I pushed past him and flounced to nowhere in particular, feeling the weight of his gaze on my shoulders as I left him standing there. Frustratedly, I scrubbed the back of my hand on my face, not surprised at all to find it coming away wet.

*

Whenever I felt angry, I had the tendency to be rash and selfish.

While I knew I couldn't stay being pissed at my own boyfriend for long, I found myself at the slope of the hill in the neighborhood park yanking the grass savagely out of the ground. I still couldn't believe he had suggested that we break up, after all that we had been through. Every time I thought about what happened earlier, it filled me with a fresh wave of hot fury.

By the time I was finally exhausted from being so mad at Michael, my fingers were stained green from pulling grass out. Sighing, I pulled my knees up to my chest and closed my eyes, allowing myself to relish the cool breeze that was blowing. It wasn't long before I started to cry again, wondering what on earth had gone wrong with my relationship with Michael.

All along for the past two months we had been dating, I was so certain that we finally made it up to each other and were able to move past our old disagreement and bitterness. Yet I kept reflecting back on the moments I had spent with him, trying to see if there had been any changes in his behavior that indicated that he was growing tired of me.

Or maybe it was because our relationship had been growing too intense for him to handle, causing him to want to distance himself. I had told him that he was in love with him and perhaps he thought it was expected of him to reciprocate - if that was true then it was probably the guilt catching up to him.

But then that wasn't likely because when I told him I was moving away, he looked shocked and frightened at the prospect of me leaving him. He was even too shaken to return home and had insisted on staying with me in my room until he fell asleep.

A thousand more possibilities flooded in my brain, clamoring for my attention when it felt like my head was going to blow up from the thoughts that swelled.

"There you are."

I flinched, head swiveling to see who it was and finding Jacob sitting down beside me. The look on his face was that of a worried one although what he was attempting to achieve with that smile of his, I didn't know.

"Hi Jake." I said, quite tonelessly. "Were you guys looking for me?"

The redhead paused to consider his reply. "Well, yes. But then I convinced Adam to call Michael to see if you were with him since you never answer your phone when you're with him."

The sound of my boyfriend's name sent a pang to impale itself in my chest. "Oh."

"Yea but Michael said you weren't with him and you had a bad disagreement with him in school earlier." He continued. "Anyway, I thought you might be here to sulk. Nice view by the way." He commented in a cheery tone, gesturing. "I can see why you like it here."

It was true, though I didn't say anything.

"So I'm guessing the scenery helps you think although I can't see how it does when you've got your face buried behind your arms while you're sobbing."

"Gee, thanks for noticing." I said sarcastically and Jacob's expression flickered.

"Was it that bad?" His tone dropped to barely above a whisper.

Slowly, I began to nod.

He sighed, shaking his head before putting his arm around me and patting my head. "There, there." He said soothingly and I felt tears threatening to spill. "It's best if you talk about it but if it still upsets you --"

"Michael wanted to break up with me." I blurted out, breath hitching at the last word.

Jacob regarded me, half in shock and half in horror. "Seriously?" He gaped and I nodded. Blinking rapidly, he began to frown and cock his head. "Now why do you think he would suggest that?"

"He said it himself." I said bitterly, staring at my curled hands on my thighs. "Maybe it's because I'm not good enough for him anymore."

"No, sis, don't say that."

"Then why would he want to break us up?" I demanded, flushing hotly. "After all we been through, I really thought he'd have more sense to not say that at this time."

"Kat." He started to say placatingly.

"What?"

"Did you give him the chance to explain?" He asked gently, despite me snapping at him just now.

I stopped short, suddenly aware of how I'd walked away from Michael without giving him to a chance to explain himself properly. The full weight of guilt crushed me when I knew I could've at least heard him out so that I wouldn't be sitting here miserably and getting angry at something like this. I bit my lip, cursing myself inwardly before meeting my brother's questioning gaze.

"You didn't." Jacob sighed and shook his head at me. "Sometimes, I wonder what goes in your head. You should've at least --"

"I know, Jake. I know." I groaned, suddenly feeling like an idiot.

"I think," Jacob said carefully. "That he wants to break up with you to spare the both of you from the problems of a long-distance relationship. Look at this way, you'll both be in different timezones and the time you can communicate with him is practically limited. And what's to say that you'll grow tired of this, or him for this matter, and start looking for someone else? Get my point?"

"Oh." I whispered, feeling my heart constrict to the size of a walnut. "Oh Lord, I've been so caught up with myself - Shit, I'm so stupid."

Jacob opened his mouth to answer but closed it immediately, thinking better of his response. "You'd better go apologize to him."

I rounded at him in disbelief. "Michael's probably still mad at me! I mean, I snapped at him earlier and he didn't take it too well --"

"Are you scared of him? C'mon, sis, I thought you loved him." He said, smirking.

Heat flamed my cheeks defiantly. "I'm not scared of him! And present tense, please, I still love him." I bit my lip, taking a moment to consider. "D'you think Mom and Dad will be pissed if I'm a little bit late for dinner today?"

Jacob stared at me, surprised that I had made my decision so quickly. "Um, I don't - They said they'd be back at seven --"

"Perfect." I said, checking the time on my phone. "I've got at least an hour to make it up to him." My heart was pounding, a new resolve flooding through my veins. "Thanks Jake for helping me sort things out." Before he could reply, I squeezed him into a hug to which he protested.

"Yea, sure." He mumbled as I got up. "Wait, your backpack." He began to call out.

"Take it home for me, please." I replied over my shoulder.

"I'm not your fucking maid, y'know!"


	60. Chapter 60

"You took shorter than I expected." I heard Jacob's voice say loudly over the noise of the television when I passed by the living room. My brothers were occupying the whole couch as they played - well, just Jacob and Liam; Adam was reading a book - Street Fighter on the game console.

"How did it go? With Michael - JAKE!" Liam cried in disbelief when the older triplet pushed a hand in his face. "I swear to God you're going to catch these hands if you don't stop cheating every ten seconds." He snapped and elbowed Jacob for good measure.

"Nothing." I deadpanned, feeling like a rather deflated balloon as I sank down on the armchair and propped my feet up on the ottoman.

My redheaded brother called for a time-out before looking at me with a questioning look. "Seriously? No arguments? No tears? No make-up sex?"

"You need to go to Church and wash that brain with Jesus soap." Adam scowled admonishingly at the middle triplet and thwacked him with his hand, earning a martyred sound from Jacob. He turned to me, narrowing his eyes like he was trying to detect any lies behind my eyes; he wouldn't find any. "What did Michael say? I hope he hasn't, like, broken your heart twice in the same day." He said with an undertone.

I rolled my eyes, huffing. "He said nothing. When I got to the Cliffords' no one was home. I tried texting him too but he hasn't responded."

"Like hasn't responded as in ignored or unread?" Liam inquired.

I shrugged once more and they stared at me expectantly as if the weight of their gazes could crack my resolve to withhold. Not wanting to entertain any more more questions, I retreated upstairs to my room where I was certain I wouldn't be bothered. So much for my enthusiasm, I thought as I laid my head on my mattress and stared up the ceiling.

Although I should've considered this extra time as an opportunity to think of what I wanted to say to him, my mind was going through a idea-drought. I could try calling him but the thought of him needing some space for himself nagged at me so my phone was placed on the nightstand instead and looked at my room properly. 

Some of the stuff I wanted to bring along were already packed in boxes, occupying the corner of my room. A bubble of dislike popped in me at seeing them there because it was like they were reminding me that there would soon be more of them and that the date that I'd leaving my childhood home for a foreign land. With an irritated sigh, I shut my eyes tightly as though I willed this reality to fade away like a dream. It didn't work, of course, and I really had to get ready for dinner.

As I left my room, the music playing on my iPod dock blocked out my phone's notification ding.

*

I was sure that every dinner we had before we moved to the States would at least have a discussion about how our lives would change in New York. Tonight was no exception and my parents were talking about how I'd love the school that they enrolled me in and how amazing it would be to meet new friends. Truth be told, I wasn't listening, instead making noises of false agreement while I ate my food.

"Aren't you excited?" My mother asked for what felt like the third time.

"Yes, I am." I replied, lying through my teeth.

My father's smile faltered slightly but I could tell both he and my mother were a little disappointed in my response. After that, they kinda left me alone and began to speak with my brothers about the opportunities they'd be finding there.

"I love waving them away sometimes; can't be too greedy, y'know." Jacob said and Adam choked from keeping his laughter suppressed while Liam shook his head at his brother. While I was wishing that dinner would be over soon so I could go back to my room and check if Michael had read my text, I was dreading dish-duty later because that would mean I'd be cleaning up with my father, whom I knew would be asking a lot of questions.

And as expected, right after my brothers and my mother left to do their own thing, while I was gathering the plates my father turned to me from washing at the sink. "So, Kaitlyn." He began, cleaning the cutlery.

I felt the knot of anticipation tighten at the pit of my stomach as I avoided looking directly at him. "Yea?"

"Listen. I know it's going to be hard --"

"Leaving everything I've grown up with and gotten used to behind. Mom's told me that at least seven times for the whole week but who's counting anyway, right?" I didn't intend it but I sounded cold and angry.

The crease on his forehead deepened. "I do not like your tone, miss." He said in a steely calm.

"I just - Today's been rough." I said contritely. Sensing that he wanted me to further elaborate on that, I continued. "It's hard knowing that the time for saying goodbye to my friends is getting closer and closer and schoolwork is just getting harder to keep up with. I shouldn't have taken it out on you, Dad; I'm sorry."

His eyes softened with understanding. "I see." The clinking of plates and running water filled the gap of silence he took to think. "And how is Michael taking it?"

I didn't answer. Thinking about what my boyfriend had said, even though he had a logical reason for his words, still left a sting in my chest. Instead of telling my father the truth, I asked rhetorically "How should he be taking the news?"

Again I had let my tongue slip and I was bracing myself for him to tell me off again. However, he simply shook his head. "I was in love when I was younger too. I know what it's like to feel the way love for another person sets your blood on fire, the way they always occupy your thoughts every single day and how you just want to be with them all the time. It's hard to let go but if that person falls out of love with you, it's even more difficult to accept the fact.

"I'm not warning you that Michael won't love you the way he does in the future but all I'm trying to say here is that you're both young. And feelings can change. Your relationship with him has blossomed so fast over the course of the year and I know it's intense, in a way, but at this age, you could do with a little finding out about who you are without him. Think of it more like a deep search within your soul and maybe when the times comes, you'll be ready and mature enough to decide if Michael really is the person you want to spend your life with."

After hearing those words, I wasn't sure how I felt. A part of me wanted to disregard his words yet my father had lived longer than I did so his advice was way logical than my own. Nodding, I took a breath and said, "I understand. I think I do need a bit of space."

The corners of his lips turned up by the slightest. "I love you, dear."

"I love you too, Dad."

*

Time was ticking by at a glacial pace as I waited in front of my laptop for Michael to give me a Skype call. The text he had sent me told me that he'd be willing to Skype me at nine o' clock but my phone was displaying 21:07. I was sorely tempted to go first but then he probably wasn't ready to talk to me and I thought I wasn't as well, what with the bundle of nerves constantly bunching up in my chest.

I was having a look at the Hot Topic website when I received the notification that he was calling me. Faster than I thought was possible, I was already clicking Accept and soon Michael's face appeared on my screen. Maybe it was just the glare from his laptop but he did look pale. I bit my lip, ignoring the dull ache in my chest when I saw him.

We stared at each other for a few moments before he coughed. 

"Hey." I said, hating how the awkward tension made my voice sound higher in pitch.

He shifted in his seat. "Hi." He replied before we lapsed into silence.

Not wanting to drag this out further, I resolved to go first and say whatever was on my mind. I needed to get it out of my head so that it'd stop biting at me every minute. "Listen." I began. "I just wanna apologize for blowing up on you earlier and not giving you the chance to explain yourself."

"I ... thought as much."

"I've been thinking about it, actually." I said and I thought I saw him stiffen in his seat. "I talked to Jake and Dad and I think it's best if we break it off." I stole a glance at him, expecting him to protest but I was only greeted with the sight of the sad look in his eyes. "And yea, um, like it wouldn't be fair to tie us both to a long-distance relationship. Coz, we're still young and commitment like that isn't something that we should bear at this time for so long."

"True." He said softly. "I suggested we break up because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you'd find someone else - a boy or a girl, doesn't matter, just someone. And then we'd start to chat to each other less. But it's not just that. I'm scared that I might do the same to you too. I don't want us to hurt that way."

"I feel the same way too." I murmured. "The fall would be long and painful if we keep holding on so might as well let go, right?" I tried to say without sounding like I've been struggling hard not to cry but I wasn't successful. The backs of my eyes were stinging, warning me with the threat of oncoming tears. It was getting harder to look at him through a screen.

He was biting his lip hard when he drew a breath shakily. "It's easy to say but it's harder to do it."

"We don't have to jump right away. Let's take it one step at a time."

"Okay." He nodded but still wasn't facing his laptop. "So, after you leave, we're done with this. Our relationship." He said but he sounded uncertain. He passed a hand over his face and I knew right away that he was crying.

My chest constricted painfully and I felt my own tears spilling down my cheeks. "Yea." I swallowed past the sore lump in my throat. "It's inevitable."

"I'm going to miss you so much." His voice broke. "I'm going to miss you so fucking much and --" He broke off sniffling, using the hem of his shirt to wipe his face. "Kai." 

It hurt to hear him call me that way with that nickname of mine. There was a time when it was endearing but now it sounded like a desperate plea for help I couldn't respond to.

I sobbed, touching the screen over the area where his heart would be. I didn't want us to be talking through a stupid Skype call; I wanted him to be physically here so I could hold him. "Oh, Mikey."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for making you fall in love with me." His words were starting to become almost incoherent.

"I'm sorry for hurting you those times when I could've forgiven you." My trackpad was getting wet and I was sure it would spoil but I couldn't be bothered because all that I could focus on was him.

"I love you, Kaitlyn Redford."

"You will and always come first in my heart, Michael Clifford."


	61. Chapter 61

"You know it always will be you." Michael's warm breath on my skin made my insides tingle with an electric sensation. His intertwined fingers tightened around mine as he drew away from me, lying on his back.

We were on his roof watching the meteor shower but I was sure that we missed it out because we were just to caught up with each other. I curled closer into his body, my gaze flicking up to see if there were any streaks of light crossing the dark sky above us. "Are you sure you read the date right?" I giggled when I saw his perplexed expression after he checked his phone for the time.

"I think I did." He said but sounded unsure. "I feel like I've ruined the whole setting, y'know. It was supposed to be romantic." He sighed ruefully.

"It's alright. I enjoyed the date. What could beat spending a night under the stars with your boyfriend?" I said, booping his nose.

He let out a soft chuckle and caught my finger. "Yea." He replied when a sad look overcame his features and I felt my heart crack.

I placed a kiss on his forehead. "You're coming tomorrow, right? To the party." I asked, hoping the question would change the topic before the both of us would talk about something that would make the both of us cry. The idea for the event tomorrow was a little excessive but my mother had wanted to throw a farewell party so we'd be in better spirits before we leave the day after; I hadn't really agreed to it but then I didn't intend to burst her bubble so I had kept quiet when she suggested.

His green gaze met mine. "Of course." He said, grazing his fingers on my cheek. "I wouldn't miss it for the world" He added.

A smile formed on my lips. "I'll see you there." I said and he leaned up to kiss me. Then we were picking our way carefully back to his room before I left to return home.

*

The house was relatively clear of our belongings, save for the furniture which my relatives said they'd be claiming after my family and I left. My mother was obsessively checking on everything to make sure all was in order until some of our guests - two of my maternal aunts - arrived.

Soon, the house was filling up with more and more people who came to wish us goodbye. My brothers and I had invited our friends and I could see them getting emotional with them. Wendy was here too and apparently she had brought Cilan along - I figured the two had already made up because they were laughing along and talking about their usual topics of discussion. They were somewhere in the place although I couldn't find them because my relatives kept stopping me so that we could have a conversation.

I was speaking with a few of my cousins when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Breaking off , I turned around to find Michael smiling at me. My heart leapt with joy at seeing him here and I threw my arms around him into a hug. "You're here." I whispered near his ear.

"I did promise." He said, placing a kiss on my temple before he drew away from me and regarded my cousins, who were staring wide-eyed at him. After he smiled as I introduced him to them, we walked a little away to a less crowded part of the house, which happened to be near the staircase.

"So." He began with a nervous tinge to his tone.

"You look good." I said, eyeing his outfit in approval while his cheeks reddened immediately.

He shook his head and glanced around. "I'm under-dressed for the occasion." He pointed out. "Everyone here is looking all proper and here I am." He tugged the hem of his shirt like he was showing off the graphic design on it. "With this ratty t-shirt that has a couple of holes in it and skinny jeans. I even fucking wore my piercings, like what the fuck was I thinking when I got dressed. No wonder your grandparents glared at me just now." He said but I could tell he wasn't really bothered.

"At least you're wearing BMTH. I mean, that's already a possible sign that you have good music taste." I said, tapping his chest on the Spirit Umbrella.

"What do you mean possible?" He demanded, narrowing his eyes. "It's confirmed that I have good music taste." He said cockily and I laughed. Then his eyes traveled over me when a small smile appeared on his lips. "You look beautiful."

I flushed and looked down at my outfit. "It's a dress, Mikey. You look like you've never seen me wearing one." I averted my gaze away from his sheepishly.

"I have." He protested and stared at me again with that look on his face. "But you just look really hot today and you're making me nervous." He admitted, voice shaking at the end as his cheeks turned red.

"I make you nervous?" I frowned in amusement at him but frankly, he was also making me nervous as well.

"Since I knew how much I liked you. Which was, by the way, a long time ago back when we were kids." He added and the goofy grin settled itself on his features, making his green eyes shine. My heart fluttered at the sight, filling me with a warmth that only he could make me feel.

Raising myself on the tips of my toes, I placed my lips on his and the fluttering feeling intensified. His lips were as soft as I remembered as they molded with mine, starting off slow and gentle with the kisses. His hands went to my sides while my arms slung around his neck. He made a soft noise when I nipped his lower lip playfully and pushed me against the wall.

"We should take it upstairs." I broke a little away from him, breathless, and looked around to see if anyone had caught us.

He made a noise of assent before I led him away from it all.  There it was, the flames burning beneath my skin as we entered my bedroom. Clumsily locking the door, I only had time to turn around before he was attaching his lips back to mine, pressing me up against the door and kissing me passionately. "Wait, Mikey." I broke away.

His eyebrows arched but he moved away so I could get my back off the door.

"I wanted to give you something." I said as I went to my desk. The drawers were already empty save for a photograph I had printed. It was a picture of the both of us at the Ferris wheel on our second monthsary date. As I gave it to him, his eyes shone with tears. I tried to say something but words failed me so I placed a kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you." He said, looking down at the photo. "This - It's us." He laughed softly. "Oh gosh." Then he met my gaze, hand reaching into his pocket before he produced a small box. My eyes widened as he opened it, revealing a sun pendant.

"Michael --"

"It's a matching set." He responded to my unasked questions, showing me the chain he was wearing; it had the moon. "I hope you like it." He added softly as he helped me to wear it.

"I love it." I whispered, admiring it.

He smiled before putting a kiss on my cheek, slowly making his way to my lips. All I could think of was him and him only as we collapsed onto bed with him on top of me. Our faces were inches away from each other, breaths tangling.

I knew what I wanted at this point and he did too.

"Are you sure?" He could barely ask the question without groaning in pleasure when my hand brushed the tight bulge on his fly. "Fuck, Kai, are you sure you want to do this?" I could see the hesitation in his face fighting with desire. He was panting, struggling to keep his composure but I could tell he was having a hard time when I kissed him.

"I am."

*

I could feel the tension building up within me as I looked around the departure hall in attempts to keep my mind busy. My eyes went to the large monitor overhead that displayed the time for the flights, half-hoping that mine would be delayed for a bit. A few feet away my parents were saying emotional goodbyes to my aunts and uncles who came to see us off. I could hear my mother repeating over and over again that she'd be sure to contact everyone once we landed.

My brothers had disappeared off to somewhere, probably looking to buy some snacks so I was left with the task of looking after the luggage. It all felt so surreal knowing that my flight was about two hours. I kept looking at the entrance as if I was expecting a tall, wild-haired boy to appear from it. My chest hurt, remembering the fact that Michael and I had broken up last night, for good. It was hard to do it and we ended up crying so it was a really big and emotional wreck. I hadn't slept much and barely managed to drag myself together to get ready.

I bit my lip as I reached for my phone, ostensibly to check the time. But the longer I stared at the screen, I was tempted to give him a call and check on how he was doing. But as often as I willed myself to dial his number, I found myself hesitating and hesitation led me to exit from the Contacts app. Knowing that it was best if I left things be, I put my phone back in my pocket just as my parents and brothers came back.

"Let's go to the check-in counter." My father said and we did. After that it was all a matter of waiting for hours to pass by. My mind kept on replaying all the times I had spent with Michael, from when we were kids till present, and I had already made a few trips to the restroom to wash my face.

The pleasant voice in the overhead speakers announced that our flight could now be boarded and I felt my stomach flip. How had time flown so fast? I checked my phone one last time to tempt fate but I was only greeted with the lockscreen of Michael and I smiling at me. Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I felt tears threatening to spill as the finality that it was all over between us both sank in.

Then a text came in.

Have a safe flight, my love.


	62. Chapter 62

The air was crisp with the smell of autumn as I held Jaxon's tiny hand in mine, leaves crunching underfoot as we approached the playground.

Jaxon's bright amber eyes were wide with excitement as he bounced with every step. Like his father, he had inherited the same mahogany brown hair that always fell in a tousled mop, no matter how many times it had been combed in a day.

"Look, there's Rowan!" He pointed at a redheaded little girl who was busy playing hopscotch with a few other children, tugging my hand impatiently. His enthusiasm to see his best friend reminded me a little too much of my past, striking a dull ache in my chest.

I smiled down at him, forcing back the painful sense of wistful longing bubbling up my throat. Squatting to my knees so that I was eye-level with Jaxon, I patted his cheek. "Alright you can go and play with Rowan. Just be careful, alright? I'll be over there at that bench if you need anything." I pointed to where I would be waiting.

"Ok!" He giggled, giving me a hug before dashing towards his best friend. "Ro! Ro!"

Rowan's head whipped around, a huge grin spreading over her sweet features. "Jax! You're here!'

I watched after them, smiling for a few heartbeats before setting towards the bench where I could keep an eye on Jaxon. Truth be told, I had been very busy lately and taking care of him had been pretty much a breather I needed from work.

After deciding the little boy would be alright, I took a few minutes to check my work emails on my phone. I had been so busy perusing the contents of a particular email from my workplace that I hadn't realized I forgot to check on Jaxon.

I glanced up, only to feel my blood suddenly crystallize to ice.

Across the playground, Jaxon was speaking to a stranger, who sat on a bench by himself.

My heart pounded hard in my chest, worry quickening my pulse as I jogged over as fast as I could. A million thoughts rushed into my head as to why Jaxon would be away from Rowan.

"Jaxon!" I called out, my voice high with anxiety as I grasped his wrist. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry --" The words choked in my throat the moment my eyes landed on the stranger's features.

All the years I had spent trying to lock those memories away came flooding back. The curve of his lips, the grays in his green irises, the way he raised his eyebrows, everything about him crushed me like a ton of bricks.

Sensing something was amiss, Jaxon glanced up at me with a concerned frown, bright amber eyes questioning.

"Kai." Michael said, by way of greeting, with a small smile.

"Oh, um hi Mikey." I was trying not to lose my composure but my voice quavered at his name.

Jaxon alternated looks between both of us in confusion. "What's going on?"

"Oh, Jaxon." I gestured at the man who still made my heart ache with that dull pain at the sight of him. "This is my old friend, Michael." I said, barely managing to get his name out of my mouth without feeling like I've ripped a Band-Aid open.

"Hi Mr Michael." Jaxon smiled, oblivious to the growing tension between the man and I. "How did you two meet?"

"Hello there." Michael replied, ruffling his hair affectionately. "Oh it's a long story that started off in the kindergarten playground." He shrugged. He was keeping up this act way betted than I did.

Jaxon's gaze rounded with recognition. "I met my friend Rowan too in kindergarten!" He exclaimed, clapping his hands with excitement.

"Well, why don't you go and play with Rowan? I'm sure she's waiting for you." I smiled at the little boy. "Besides, Michael and I have a lot to catch up with."

Jaxon nodded obediently, taking one last look at Michael with an affable grin before dashing off in search of Rowan.

I released a small sigh of relief before turning to Michael. It was then when I took a good look at him.

His hair was no longer the tousled blond mess that I remembered, now cut short but he had left his fringe untouched. He didn't look as if he had aged though beautiful gray-green eyes looked older. There was a trace of stubble on his cheeks and he looked thinner. He was clad in a leather jacket worn over a plain gray t-shirt, with a pair of jeans that hugged his legs and boots that complimented the whole look.

Despite the small changes in his appearance, he was still the boy who made me smile every day, who had snuck into my room almost every night, and the boy who promised to come back for me. My heart constricted painfully in my chest at the memories we shared.

I hadn't expected to see him again, but then I was in Sydney so the chances of running into him were there. I just didn't think the universe would plan for us to meet again.

Michael patted on the spot beside him, gesturing me to sit.

I could only oblige, wordlessly, as I took my place and inhaled deeply. I caught the faint sweet cinnamon scent and felt my breath hitch a little. "It's been awhile." I began, smiling awkwardly at him in attempts to be magnanimous.

He nodded, a ghost of a smile playing on his soft lips. "It has." He agreed, fiddling with the sleeves of his jacket.

I couldn't help but notice. "You're not wearing your bracelets." I said softly.

He lifted his left wrist before rotating it over so I could see the silvery ridges over the blue traceries of veins against his pale skin. "I guess." He mumbled before glancing at me. A million thoughts seemed to flash over his features but he didn't voice them.

I didn't want this to lull into an awkward silence so I spoke whatever was on my mind. "It's good to see you again."

"Same to you." Michael smiled before pressing his lips together. His eyes flitted towards the playground before back to me. "Jaxon's a sweet boy." He said, almost tentatively at first.

"He is." I agreed, my heart swelling with joy at the thought of that little boy.

"He came over earlier to ask me what was wrong. He said I looked sad, though." Michael added thoughtfully. "He's a sweet kid."

I bit my lip and dropped my gaze to my feet. I had to agree with Jaxon, though I wondered if it had anything to do with what happened years ago. But I didn't dare to ask for the fear of ruining things between us. "Jaxon really cares about others."

He nodded. "That's precious." He paused, drawing a breath as though he was steeling himself. "He kinda takes after you. Who's the lucky guy?" He asked, sounding strained.

I couldn't help but be shocked at what Michael seemed to be implying. "Jaxon isn't my son. He's my nephew." I squeaked.

"Wait what?" A wildly incredulous tone took over Michael's voice as he stared at me in bemusement. "Then ..."

"He looks like Adam but he's more like my sister-in-law, Sarah, on the inside." I said with a laugh, inwardly embarrassed.

Michael looked ashamed. "Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought --" He broke off, burying his face in his hands. "Oh God." He groaned.

I felt myself grin with amusement as I patted his shoulder. "It's ok, Mikey."

"I feel like an idiot."

"You just thought wrong." I assured gently.

Slowly, he removed his hands and turned to look at me. Silently, his lips folded into a thin, white line as he nodded slowly. "How's everything?"

"Ok. I guess." I mumbled. "It's been really stressful lately but I'm coping. You?"

"Same here." Michael said politely but his tone was halfhearted. He definitely looked different, and sad, I noticed.

"What's wrong?" I asked worriedly, frowning.

He shrugged. "It's just - I'm not really --" He broke off, groaning a little. "Do you mind if I told you what's bothering me?"

I paused, taking a moment to rethink. But this was Michael. I could never say no to him. "Sure, go on."

Michael took a deep breath and began. "Kai, I really miss you. Not a day goes by without me thinking of all the times we shared. I know I'll sound selfish for saying this but I really regret not showing up at the airport when you were leaving."

"Mikey it's fine. We broke up anyway --"

"No, please let me finish." He pleaded and I let him continue. "I should've came to say goodbye but I was too afraid to. I couldn't let you go even after I promised and I've spent everyday trying to find out what happened to you for about a year. Then for the past 4 years I gave up and tried to move on.

"Honestly, it didn't feel real. I'd always fail relationships because my significant others always found it hard for me to open up. I even tried dating someone who - I'm so sorry - looked like you. I didn't know what was going on and neither did I want to. I just wanted to get it over with. But no matter how hard I tried, I was stuck. It was like I'm sleepwalking. I don't want anyone else but you, and I'm selfish for telling you that because I'm sure you've got somebody else --"

I stopped him before he could go on any further. "What are you talking about, Mikey?" My voice shook with disbelief when I asked.

He looked as though someone had pulled a rug from under him, flipping his world upside down. A hectic flush spread across his pale cheeks. "I'm sorry." He apologized quickly and averted his eyes but I could see the heartbroken expression flash over. "I'm sure you have someone else. I shouldn't have --"

"I don't have anyone else." I whispered softly.

His eyes widened but he said nothing.

"You will and always come first in my heart, Mikey. I could never give it away when it already belongs to you."

Michael's lips parted. "W-Wait, so ... You still love ... _me_?" His voice was shrill with utter disbelief.

The urge was back, the insane desire that I had been forcing down the moment those wistful green eyes met mine returned.

My eyes fluttered shut as my lips touched his. That breathless sensation was always there whenever we kissed. Warmth bubbled through the cracks of my broken heart, mending the damage as he returned gently like he always would.

He placed a hand on my cheek cupping it as he subtly deepened kiss, filling me with what I had been deprived of for years.

"Kaitlyn, I still love you." He whispered when he drew back a little, resting his forehead on mine. "Nothing has changed."

I felt my lips, still tingling from his touch, curl upwards. "I still love you as well, Michael."

"I'm moving to New York by the end of this month because of a job opportunity." He informed.

"Wait, did you say New York?" I pulled back in surprise, staring at him.

He nodded, grinning. "That's where you live, right?"

Since I had been struck speechless by the news, I simply nodded in reply.

"Can we start over?" He asked, enveloping my hand with his warm one. The way his green eyes regarded mind, the way his features were now filled with hope, there was no way I could say no.

"Yes, we can."


End file.
